25. Sawyer
CHAPTER 25
Sawyer
LOVE IS LIKE A RATTLESNAKE
I think about Wyatt’s little speech all morning as I brush Ella’s hair and teeth, pick up the house, and make the tomato soup.
Jump in with both feet. Move toward the light. It’s that simple.
Ordinarily, I’d take his words with a grain of salt. I love my brother, but he’s never been the guy you go to for any kind of wisdom or advice.
Right now, though, I have to admit that he’s living the dream. He’s got the girl. He’s thriving at work. He may still gamble like a degenerate, but he usually wins. When he doesn’t, he just … lets it go.
Why not give his advice a try? Who knows, maybe he’s right about just showing up consistently, and showing Ava we belong together.
Really, what other option do I have? She’s not looking for a grand gesture or pretty promises. I can only be there for her in the way her ex wasn’t. Maybe that will be enough.
It has to be enough.
By the time the house is clean and the soup is done, I’m beat. I really start to feel it just as Ava texts me that they’re on their way.
I’d love to be able to sit and take five, but I’m so tired that I’m worried I won’t get back up. So I pour myself more coffee and push through, assembling the grilled cheese sandwiches, emptying the dishwasher, and quickly filling out a form online for the soccer camp Ella’s attending over spring break. They give them these cute little jerseys that she’s obsessed with, but if I don’t get the form filled out in time, she won’t get one. I can just imagine the meltdown she’d have once she found out.
By the time Ava pulls up, I’m fading fast. Telling myself I’ll get a boost when I see her, I make my way to the front door. Ella sprints ahead of me, shouting Junie’s name.
“She’s here! She’s here!”
Laughing, I open the door. “She is! It’s Junie! And Miss Ava!”
Ava’s eyes catch on mine, immediately lighting up. The contents of my rib cage turn upside down as I take in her smile, her tousled hair, the sweatshirt she’s wearing that’s already stained with marker.
She’s so pretty, it fucking hurts.
“Hi,” she says.
“He—” I clear my throat. “Hey. Hi, Ava. You look gorgeous.”
“You look tired,” she replies, stepping inside to loop an arm around my neck and pull me in for a hug.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, it registers that Junie darts inside the house too. She grabs Ella’s hand and they disappear down the hallway.
Chuckling, I wrap my arms around Ava’s waist and pull her snug against me. “Thanks for the compliment. Turns out Ella isn’t a fan of sleepovers. I had to grab her from my brother’s at two in the morning.”
“Oh, Sawyer, Jesus. I’m so sorry. If you wanna go lie down?—”
“Nah.” I bury my face in her neck. “I only wanna lie down with you. Since that’s not an option, why don’t we have lunch instead?”
Her breath hitches when I turn my head a little, my scruff catching on her skin.
“Smells good in here.” She kisses my cheek, and my blood pulses. “Don’t tell me you made that soup from scratch.”
“Had to counterbalance the fake cheese somehow.”
“Sawyer.”
I tighten my grip on her waist. “Yeah, pretty girl?”
“I missed you.” It’s a whisper.
The intimacy of that admission, the sincerity in her voice—it splits me in half.
I kiss her neck. “I missed you too.”
Lord, what I’d give to be able to take her to bed right now. I’d lay her down. Fuck her slow, because in this fantasy we’d have all day and all night to spend together. Then I’d pull her to me and we’d fall asleep. After a long nap, we’d wake up and I’d fuck her again before making cocktails. She’d sip her mezcal negroni while I made some comfort food. Steaks, maybe, with roasted potatoes and my mom’s spinach and pecan salad. Something chocolate for dessert.
But then there’s a bang somewhere in the house, and I’m yanked back into messy, exhausting, very loud reality.
“Y’all okay?” I yell.
I hear a pair of giggles in reply.
“Thank God they’re cute.” I reluctantly let Ava go. “Thanks for comin’ over.”
She eyes me. “You sure you’re okay?”
“I’ll be all right.” I run a hand over my face. “Just wish you and I could have a little more alone time is all.”
She grins. “If it makes you feel better, I should be free next Saturday and Sunday. It’s Dan’s weekend to take June, so …”
“Guess Ella will be practicing her sleepover again, ’cause I’m invitin’ you over to my place.”
“What if you come to mine? Leave the clothes, bring the condoms.”
Heat gathers in my dick. I reach over and grab her ass, giving it a hard, rude squeeze. “Consider it done.”
In the kitchen, Ava opens some longnecks while I make the grilled cheese. The girls are busy putting on every princess dress, bracelet, pair of sunglasses, and sparkly high-heeled shoes Ella owns.
“Wow,” Ava says with a gasp. “Ella, you look just like Rapunzel, only with a maximalist twist.”
“Rapunzel is my favorite!”
“I know. We watched it at my house when you came over this week, remember?”
Junie yelps with joy. “Can she come over again, Mommy, please?”
“She’s welcome any?—”
“Ow!” I don’t mean to shout. But like an idiot, I grabbed the lid of the skillet with my bare hand because I was so happy and so tired that I was clearly brain-dead.
I shake out that hand, gritting my teeth in an effort to calm—or maybe ignore—the screaming burn on my palm.
“Daddy, you okay?” Ella asks.
“Yeah, Sawyer, are you all right?” Ava’s eyes are wide.
I manage a tight smile. “Yeah. I’m good. Just—give me a minute.”
I turn toward the fridge, but Ava stops me.
“You grabbing ice?”
“I was, yeah.”
“You’re not supposed to ice a burn.” She turns on the faucet and waves me over. “Run it under water instead. Can I see?”
“I’m all right.”
Ava gives me a look. “Sawyer, you just burned yourself. Show me your hand, then put it underneath the faucet. Now.”
“You’re cute when you’re bossy.”
“I’m always cute. Now show me your hand.”
Furrowing her brow, she clucks her tongue when she sees how red my palm is. Gently wrapping her hand around my wrist, she guides it underneath the cool water.
“That feels good,” I murmur. It’s not just the water. It’s her touch. The warm feeling I get being taken care of by her.
Being near her.
Her hair falls into her face, and she tucks it behind her ear with her free hand. There’s a freckle on her chin I resist the urge to kiss. Her leg brushes mine as she continues to hold my hand underneath the water.
Didn’t realize how manic I felt until, well, she got here. Suddenly I feel calm. And very, very tired.
Stay forever , I want to say.
“I’ll be okay,” I say instead.
Turning her head, she looks at me. “You’re not okay. You’re so tired that you just burned yourself. Go lie down. I’ll feed these turkeys and take them outside while you sleep.”
“I don’t need?—”
“You do.” Her gaze bores into mine. “This is what I’m talking about, Sawyer. You gotta let people help you. You’ve been up all night and I can tell you’re about to fall over. Go lie down. ”
Searching her green eyes, I’m gripped by this feeling of—Christ, I can only describe it as being completely and utterly overwhelmed. Like the dam inside me suddenly gives, releasing all the pent-up everything I’ve been holding back. The joy and the frustration. The panic, the anxiety, the fear.
The hope.
Most of all, though, what I feel is tired. The kind of bone-deep exhaustion you can’t ignore.
I look at Ava. She looks back. It’s obvious she’s not going to let me do anything but go to bed.
It’s obvious she cares.
The girls are happily playing dress-up. Lunch is pretty much done. The kitchen is clean, although the dishes will need to be scrubbed after everyone eats.
“I’ve got it,” Ava says, reading my mind. She nods at the grilled cheese I already made. “Grab a sandwich and go.”
“You sure?”
“I’m sure.” She shuts off the water. “If you don’t sleep for at least three hours, I’m leaving.”
“Three hours?” I scoff. “I need fifteen minutes, tops?—”
“Three. Hours. Understood?”
I can’t help but smile. My chest floods with relief as the realization hits me that I’m really allowing myself to do this.
I’m going to take a fucking nap . In the middle of the day. While I have guests in my house, and while dirty dishes pile up in my sink.
“Yes ma’am.”
“Good.” She holds up the plate with the sandwich on it. “Now go to your room.”
I take the plate. “Okay, when you say it like that, I get a little excited?—”
“ Sawyer .”
“All right, all right. I’m going. Ella, be good!”
“I be good!” she calls back.
I wanna kiss Ava. So I do, a quick peck on the lips. I know I’m risking the girls seeing us—I have no idea what we’d tell them, or if we should tell them at all—but I’m too tired to care.
I shove my grilled cheese in my mouth, and then I fall face-first into bed.
I’m asleep before I even take my phone out of my pocket.
* * *
I wake up with drool on my pillow. I’m a little sweaty.
Prying open my eyes, I see that the light in the room has changed. It’s warmer, almost golden.
My stomach flips. What time is it? How long was I out for?
The house is silent.
Sitting up, I press the heel of my hand into one eye, then the other. I slept hard. I don’t remember what day it is or how I got to my bed.
All I remember is Ava ordering me around.
My palm smarts as I dig my other hand into my back pocket, grabbing my phone. Oh, right. I burned this hand lifting the piping hot lid off a skillet.
“Holy shit,” I murmur when I see that it’s four fucking o’clock .
I slept for over four hours. Ava came over at eleven thirty, right?
To be honest, I could probably sleep for four more.
Really, I could sleep all day and all night and still not be caught up. But beggars can’t be choosers, and I really do feel a hundred times better than I did earlier. I’m able to think clearly. My body doesn’t hurt.
Go figure, letting people help you really, er, helps.
I have a text from Ava. Kinda scary that I was in such a deep sleep that I didn’t hear the notification, but I imagine she would’ve woken me up if there was an emergency, right?
AVA BARTLETT
Hey! I didn’t want the girls waking you up, so I took them to my place. I had an extra car seat in my car for Ella that Lee uses sometimes. Give me a ring when you wake up, which I hope isn’t for several more hours. Proud of you for getting rest [heart emoji]
Seriously, when am I gonna stop smiling like an idiot?
Lifting the phone to my ear, I come up with a plan.
First, pack up the liquor.
Second, hit up the grocery store.
Third, head to Ava’s.
No, wait, first I need to slip some condoms into my glove box. Just on the off chance we can get the girls to watch a movie. I only need a few minutes. Ten tops. It will be quick, but I’ll make it good.
“Well hey there, cowboy,” Ava singsongs when she picks up. “How was your nap?”
“Fucking amazing. Thank you. I drooled on myself and everything.”
“Did you have a little sweat going on?”
“Hell yeah I had a little sweat going on.”
“So satisfying when that happens. Means you slept well.”
“Like a rock. How are the girls?”
“The girls are doing great. We stole your bubbles and have been playing with that big wand thing you got all afternoon. We broke for a snack, and now we’re coloring at the kitchen table.”
“Ella’s been okay?”
“She asked when you were going to come over a little while ago. But other than that, she’s been happy as a clam.”
There’s a sudden, heavy warmth in the center of my chest. I press my fingers into my breastbone, trying to figure out its source. It keeps growing, getting warmer, bigger.
It makes me want to laugh. Not only has Ella been at someone else’s house for an extended period of time without issue. She’s also already comfortable enough with Ava for that to happen.
Guess I’m not Ava’s only fan. I know Ella loves how fun Ava is. How easily she can access her silly side.
I love that too.
“Relieved to hear that,” I say.
“How’s your hand?”
“It’ll be fine. I was more tired than I’d thought. Thanks again for the break. I really appreciate it, Ava.”
I imagine her digging her teeth into her bottom lip.
“I know you do.”
“So, listen. I’m gonna grab a quick shower. Then I’m gonna head your way with dinner.”
A pause.
“That sounds so nice.”
“You like steak?”
“I do, but?—”
“Mezcal?”
“Love it. But you already made lunch, so I thought I’d make din?—”
“My turn to take over, and your turn to rest. That’s how this works. I’ll be there in an hour.”
She sighs. “You sure?”
“This is what you were talking about, Ava,” I tease. “Let people help you.”