33. Sawyer
CHAPTER 33
Sawyer
EMERGENCY CONTACT
I have the wildest dreams.
Everyone is in them. I hear Wheeler’s voice. She sounds strangely subdued. Duke is there too, asking her if she’s feeling okay. She asks for a trash can. There’s a beep.
My hands are warm. I hear Ava’s voice now. She’s singing a song from The Little Mermaid . Softly, softly.
I hope she has Ella. Elly Belly Boo, she loves you, she’ll take care of you.
Is Junie here? I don’t hear her, but I need to get it together so I can make it to drop-off.
Fuck Dan.
My head is fucking killing me.
At one point, I think I wake up. Pain slams into me like a freight train. There’s a searing pain in my side. I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, holy shit I’m going to die, aren’t I?
Ava’s voice again. A sense of deep, deep calm comes over me.
Who is taking care of Mule?
I’m dying of thirst. My torso lights up with pain every time I breathe. It’s my ribs, I think. My lungs too. My bottom lip has its own heartbeat.
Bits and pieces of the car accident come back to me with startling, terrifying clarity. Did it actually happen? Am I still dreaming? Whose scream was that? I think it was mine, but I’m not sure I’d ever made a sound like that before.
What happened to that little boy? What about his mom? Did I hit them?
Oh, God, please let them be okay. I did everything I could to avoid hitting them, right?
Mom shows up in my dream. She’s holding hands with Dad. They look very young, but they’re cute together. Tender, the way Ava is tender with me.
My handsome boy , Mom says, gently running her fingertips through my hair. You need your rest. Try to sleep. You’ll wake up when you’re ready.
Ready for what? I want to ask her.
Also, who is going to grill that chicken for the girls tonight? I need to wake up, get going. I also need to remember to put those strawberries I cut up into Junie’s lunch box. The metal insert for it was still in the dishwasher when I left.
Searing pain slices through my skull. I make a strangled noise, but that just makes the burn in my throat worse.
I hope Ella isn’t a total nightmare getting ready for school.
I’m so proud of Ava. I wish I could see her. I’m scared and I’m hurting and I just want her here.
She’s my person. Weird if I ask her to be my emergency contact?
Nah . I can just picture her smile when she shakes her head and says, Of course I’m your emergency contact, cowboy.
Now I’m the one smiling. My lip lights up with pain, but I don’t care.
She’s here .
Somehow, I know Ava is here. Maybe because my hands are so warm. And that Little Mermaid song I keep hearing—I have to laugh. The girls sing it nonstop in the bathtub together, their off-key rendition reducing Ava and me to stitches.
Our little family. I love us, and I will forever be pissed at God or the universe or whoever is in charge if I’m taken away from them.
A tingling sensation works its way down my spine and through the rest of my body. The pain in my head and side lessens. The song and the dreams stop.
But the warmth in my hands—that stays.
* * *
“Now that he’s out of the ICU, we’ll just keep an eye on him for the next few days. Once we can take out that chest tube, he’ll likely be discharged the following day.”
It’s a voice I don’t recognize. A woman with an accent I can’t place.
The voice that replies? I smile just hearing it, making my bottom lip burn.
She really is here.
“How much pain is he in?” Ava asks.
A fuck ton , I want to answer. My head is still killing me, so much so that I can’t open my eyes. My lip hurts, and my side is sore as hell.
But apparently I’m still alive, so I’ll take the pain.
I’m also still warm.
“We’re doing our best to keep him comfortable. He’ll have a raging headache from the hematoma?—”
“The brain bleed.”
“Right.”
Ava’s voice trembles a little when she replies, “That sounds so serious.”
“We’re monitoring it, along with his respiratory function. So far, everything is looking really good. Going forward, he’ll need to be careful moving around with those fractured ribs. The stitches in his lip and that nasty bruise from the seat belt will definitely cause him some discomfort, but again, we’ll do our best to keep him in a good place.”
“Thank y’all so much.”
“He’s doing great, Ava. And so are you.”
“Coffee is my new best friend,” she says with a laugh.
You’re my best friend , I try to say. Instead, I make this weird rasping sound that scrapes the sides of my throat raw.
“Sawyer? Sawyer, honey, are you awake?”
God, I love it when she calls me honey .
Prying my eyes open, I blink at the sudden onslaught of light. Late afternoon sun slants through a room with white walls and a tiled ceiling. A heart monitor beeps from somewhere behind the bed I’m lying in.
Christ, my head hurts.
My gaze meets Ava’s. When I take in the purple circles around her bloodshot eyes and the crease in her forehead, my stomach dips.
“Hey, cowboy.” She blinks, sniffling, and arcs her thumbs over the back of my hands. “How are you feeling?”
I try clearing my throat and end up croaking, “Like hell.”
“Oh, Sawyer, I’m so sorry. I was—we’ve all been—” Ava blows out a breath. “Worried.”
“How long have you been here?”
She grins, tears leaking out of her eyes. “The question you should be asking is how long you’ve been here.”
“Is the answer the same?”
“Yeah.” Rolling her lips between her teeth, she nods. “A little over twenty-four hours. I know you’re in good hands here, and that you’re going to be okay?—”
“That’s good to know.” I chuckle, then immediately wince at the pain in my side.
“But I couldn’t leave you. Cash and Mollie have the girls and kept them overnight while you were in the ICU. Your brothers are taking turns coming to check in on you.”
“I’m fine.” I try to sit up a little, but my arm gets tangled in a tube that—fuck me—appears to be attached to my side.
“You’re not, though.” Ava gently presses me back down against the pillows. “That’s the chest tube they had to insert to help you breathe. You have three fractured ribs, a punctured lung, a busted lip, and a brain bleed, which you got when you flipped your car to avoid hitting some pedestrians.”
My heart hiccups. “They’re okay? I didn’t hit them?”
“You didn’t hit them, no. Everyone is fine. A little shaken up, but otherwise fine.” Her expression softens. “How like you to ask about them first. You’re going to be fine too, even if you don’t feel particularly wonderful at the moment.”
Eyes burning, I let out a hot, short breath through my nose, because using my lungs fucking hurts.
“Thank God everyone is okay,” I manage. “That could’ve been—yeah, a real tragedy. I can’t imagine if I had—” My voice catches.
Ava reaches up and wipes away my tears, feathering her fingertips over my face. Despite the pain and the shock, my body immediately relaxes at her touch.
“Bet that was scary.” Her voice is tender. “The woman said she turned to pick up a toy her little guy had dropped, and next thing she knew he was running into the road. It’s a miracle you didn’t hit him.”
I nod, even as a weird feeling settles in my gut.
“You’re thinking about your parents, aren’t you?” Ava asks. “How they didn’t get that miracle.”
I can’t get over how well this woman knows me.
I can’t stop crying.
“They were in this dream I had while I must’ve been out,” I reply. “My parents. My mom told me I’d wake up when I was ready.”
Ava’s smile returns. “She was right. They had to intubate you—give you a breathing tube—so your lungs could rest and you could heal. Apparently the pain meds they gave you were …” Ava clucks her tongue and gives me the okay sign with her fingers. “Which is probably why you were having such wild dreams. I like the idea of your mom and dad visiting you, though. That’d mean the whole crew was here—your brothers, your parents. Even Sally and Mollie were here. I mean, the kids weren’t, obviously, because they had to go to bed. But you had a whole crowd here rooting for you, Sawyer.”
I look at her through a film of tears. “And you’re the one who stayed.”
She takes my hands again and gives them a squeeze. “I sure as hell ain’t leaving you.”
It hurts like a motherfucker to laugh, but I do it anyway.
“Thank you,” I say.
“I know this concept is hard to grasp for someone like you who never wants to be a burden. But you don’t have to thank people for showing up for you when you need them. I’m happy to do it.” She gives my hands another squeeze. “Really, I’m honored, because I finally get to return the favor for all the times you’ve shown up for me.”
I’m too choked up to respond. I just let her hold my hands and I quietly sob, tears dotting my mint-green hospital gown.
The crying feels cathartic, even if I’m terrified of my chest tube somehow getting dislodged.
This is what I was searching for this whole time. Somebody who stays. My parents couldn’t. Lizzie didn’t.
But here is Ava, refusing to leave my side even though it’s a major inconvenience. She doesn’t love me any less for being laid up.
In fact, I get the feeling she might love me more.
At the very least, I feel loved. Supported.
“I love you,” I say.
She grins. “I know.”
“One thing.”
“Shoot.”
“Please tell me my dick still works.”
She laughs, hard. “Yes, Sawyer, I believe you’re going to make a full recovery. How about this—Nurse Ava will confirm that your appendage has full functionality once the doc gives us the thumbs-up?”
I pretend to scowl. “But Nurse Ava, I am not a patient … patient.”
“Oooh, the new name is fun.” Ava’s eyes gleam as she gives her shoulders a little shimmy. “My hospital, my rules, Mr. Rivers.”
“My bed, my rules.” I gesture to the gurney.
She laughs. “When we get home. Maybe .”
My heart swells. Home . We have one now. Together.
Really, we have each other. And Ava feels more like home than anything else ever did.