Houston
After dropping Teaghan off at her car, I contemplated my next move.
Speaking of Leslie shifted how I felt about visiting her gravesite.
She had the best headstone money could buy, and I was frustrated that I hadn’t been to see it.
I wondered if she was upset that I hadn’t come to see her.
Turning my car around abruptly, I forced myself to man up and go sit with her.
I like Teaghan and for the day I had already shared enough with her.
I needed to have a conversation about my heart being released.
The sun was going down once I pulled up to the cemetery.
I placed my phone in the glove box, shut the car off and waited until I gathered the strength to get out of the car.
I needed to smoke or drink. However, after Leslie passed, I gave up cigarettes.
She was healthy, and she still managed to leave abruptly.
Smoking and drinking every night was sure to accelerate my death.
I cut it all. But right now I wanted to pick up one of my bad habits to ease my mind.
Dropping my sun visor, I looked at the picture of Malone and me.
I took a deep breath and exited the car.
This was the first step in assisting him.
Right now I was empty. There was no way I would be able to pour into Malone if I myself was empty.
Malone deserved more from me. He deserved to see me fearless and healed.
Slowly walking with my hands in my pockets, I replayed my conversation with Teaghan. The words selfish, accountable and excuses swelled my head immensely. It was time to grab a hold of my life.
Reaching her tombstone I ran my hands on the top of the gray marble curves. I ran my fingers over her name and the date she graced the earth with her warmth. As my hand reached the photo of us the tears came.
“I miss you so much, Leslie.” My heart was beating as I gripped the marble.
It was rigid like my heart and cold like my vibes.
The tears were coming, and it made it hard to catch my breath.
I was weak and overwhelmed with the guilt I felt.
Calming myself, I closed my eyes and took a moment to just have another moment with her.
Just us, I would ask that she release my heart today.
“Leslie, forgive me for not coming sooner. It’s been hard, so damn difficult to come to terms with you being gone.
I used to think I was strong. I could do and conquer anything, but losing you has shown me just how weak I am.
I can’t look at your pictures, I can’t think of what you smelled like and sometimes it hard interacting with Malone because he reminds me so much of you.
He scrunches his nose like you. He’s so damn smart just like you.
What did I do to deserve this? I know I’m supposed to learn something from this but what?
Broken, devastated and overwhelmed. That’s what I feel day in and day out.
Raising Malone alone is hard and something I have to admit that I’m failing at.
I’ve kept him from you and you from him.
That’s bullshit and I know it. I’ve been robbed of my joy and that shit burns.
And now I’m robbing Malone. He doesn’t smile like he used to when you were around.
I don’t hear his hearty laugh anymore. So on top of missing you, I’m missing him also even when he is right there.
I just realized all of this today. It fucks with me.
We had something so strong and it was gone in the blink of an eye.
I came today because I met someone. Her name is Teaghan and she wants to help us.
Her soul is pure and genuine much like you.
I think that’s why I’m here. I feel like a chump for saying that another woman brought me here but it’s true.
I’ve never lied to you and I won’t start.
I’m fighting the toughest fight of my life right now.
I need help. I need restoration. I need peace.
I will always love you, but I need to start releasing the pain and fury.
It wasn’t anyone’s fault you left and instead of moving like a man that lost I’m moving like a man scorned.
I can’t be that anymore. We need love, real love.
And with releasing the pain I can have it.
I just hope you understand. I’ll be back soon with Malone. I promise to explain who you were.”
Without moving, I took a moment to think of the good moments I had with her and where we left off.
The good times were plentiful. Not having anyone to share life with halted everything.
Time stopped and my heart stopped. It no longer expanded when I accomplished something.
That couldn’t happen anymore. I needed to grow.
No more struggling to make myself appear happy.
I wanted that for real. I deserved that for real.
Malone deserved to be a kid, a happy loved kid.
Standing to my feet, I decided to pull it together and start
over with my life. Whether Teaghan joined or not it was time to allow Leslie to rest. I know she had been looking down and weeping from my actions.
She would want so much more for me. Living a life full of sorrow was never the plan.
She didn’t want that while she was living, and I know she didn’t want it that way in her death.
Her death wouldn’t be in vain, something had to come from it.
Dusting the dead leaves off of my pants, I started back for my car.
As I took each step away from her I felt lighter.
It was like watching the flowers bloom right before my eyes, the sun seemed to shine in the dead of night and the wind whistled around me singing a tune of liberty.
It was time to be quiet enough to allow the universe to tell me what I needed.
It was time for me to get loud, loud enough to ask for it just the same.