Twenty-Seven
You’ve got some new friends
I’ve seen them around town
Kicking cans, smoking joints
Are you sure they’re the one?
‘New Friends’ from The Brink of Teenage Freedom
The next day, Ollie gives me a whirlwind tour of Manchester. We go to record stores, museums, eat street food on the side of the road.
In these moments, I forget about Ty, I forget about the Secret Sender, I forget about everything that’s happened since August, without Ollie. It’s like I’ve gone back to a time when everything was simpler, and I was much happier.
I start getting the familiar tingling sensation again, whenever Ollie is around me. Find myself catching his eye and then quickly looking away. I feel like I can and can’t bear to be around him, without really knowing how he feels.
Okay, I have to tell him.
Tonight. It’s his birthday, it’s the perfect time.
‘So what are we doing tonight, birthday boy?’ I say, linking my arm through his. I feel overly flirty, but I need him to start seeing me in a different way. Hopefully he already has.
‘Well, I’ve invited all my friends to Bravos. I think we’re meeting them at seven?’
Wait, what? I think back to our original conversation – he had mentioned going out with his friends.
How am I meant to confess my undying love in front of a bunch of strangers?
It’s okay, I can wait until we get back to his house. You can see stars in the sky at night, which would be a romantic setting. I can do this.
When we get to Bravos, I realise it’s a pool bar, with some arcade games in the corner. I didn’t know Ollie is so into pool. He had barely touched a cue when we lived next door.
‘This is the cool place to hang out,’ he says, letting me in. ‘So I booked a bunch of tables for us to play at.’
Soon everyone starts to filter in.
There are three guys and two girls. One redhead girl, one blonde girl, two dark-haired guys and one blonde guy. With their pristine clothes and discerning looks, I feel like I’m standing out.
‘Team, this is my oldest and dearest friend, Selena,’ says Ollie. ‘We’ve literally known each other our whole lives. Selena, this is Thom, Scott, Mike, Keeley and Diane.’ He points at each one in turn but I have a hard time remembering the names, let alone remembering who they belong to.
‘Nice to meet you,’ I choke out with a smile.
The red-haired girl, who was pointed out as Diane, rushes to me and gives me a hug. ‘We’ve heard so much about you,’ she says with a northern accent.
I exhale. Okay, this will be fine. I hug her back.
‘Really looking forward to hanging out with you this weekend,’ I say. And I mean it.
‘Let’s get this party started!’ says Ollie, holding up the cue.
Ollie and another guy start to play pool.
I hover by the corner of the table. I had imagined more catching up time, but I guess we can do that later.
A couple of people who have turned eighteen already grab alcoholic drinks, but I am not keen on breaking the law this far from home, so I stick with Coke.
‘Hey,’ says Diane. ‘Do you know how to play pool?’
‘No, not really,’ I confess. ‘But maybe tonight I’ll learn.’
‘I like the attitude,’ she says, laughing. ‘Is this your first time in Manchester?’
‘Yes. I went to look around Liverpool uni yesterday – kind of by accident – then came straight here.’
‘That’s so funny, I’m mostly looking at London,’ she says.
‘Why?’
‘Because I want to get out of here, you know?’ She casts her arms around. ‘There’s got to be something more than the life I know. Not just London, but Scotland too. I want to get away. If going abroad wasn’t so complicated and expensive I would do it.’
I stare at her. ‘I can’t imagine wanting to leave anywhere that bad. My friend does too, but she’s crazy ambitious.’
‘Fair. It’s not ambition for me, really. I think the future is wide and interesting, and if I don’t grasp it now, when will I ever?’
When will I ever? The words ring through me, and I stare at her.
‘Anyway, how’s your time been exploring Manchester? We’re so glad you’re here.’
‘It’s been great to look around,’ I say. I don’t tell her I thought it was going to be just me and Ollie. I’m trying to get over how crushed I feel about it, by focusing on how nice Diane is.
‘That’s good,’ she continues, oblivious to my feelings. ‘I know tonight he really wants to celebrate his eighteenth.’ She looks at me and smiles. ‘I’m so glad you made it for him. It must be rubbish to turn eighteen and not have all your old friends there.’
‘Well, it looks like you are all pretty close already,’ I say, watching Ollie grab his opponent around the neck in a bear hug.
‘Yeah, he’s fit in well,’ she says, as we watch Keeley walk up to Ollie, tugging him towards her by the arm. ‘You can thank Keeley for befriending him. I think she has a thing for him. But you know, it’s all will-they-won’t-they right now.’’
It feels like the ground is spinning out underneath me. I grip the ledge behind me, as if it can anchor me upright.
‘But,’ says Diane, who now must have seen my feelings on my face, ‘he’s told us loads about what good friends you are.’
But why hasn’t he told me about Keeley? I realise, with deep dread, what I had imagined would happen if I came up here.
Ollie would realise he loved me all along.
He would want us to be together. And despite all my mixed emotions and feelings with Ty, I realise it’s what I’ve been hoping for all along.
But he has invited me as a friend.
‘Are you okay?’ says Diane, looking at me with worry.
‘Perfect,’ I say. ‘I’m going to go play.’
I stride over to Ollie. ‘My go,’ I say, placing my hands on his shoulders. ‘Shall we play?’
‘Do you even know how to play?’ He laughs, swinging me around by the waist, until we’re both facing the pool board. I take the cue from his hand, rest my head on his shoulder.
‘I hear you’ve been telling everyone how I’m a sporting legend,’ I say. ‘So I trust that I have an innate ability.’
‘Let’s go then,’ says Ollie.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Keeley.
Her face is blank, but I can tell there’s a quiet fury underneath it.
I don’t know what I’m doing any more. I want proof Ollie wants me.
That I haven’t come all the way here for nothing.
And would telling him how I feel be the most rational thing to do?
Maybe. But that would require confrontation and this feels more subtle.
Who needs rational, when you could look cool?
I’m fed up of trying to please everyone, of always having to do the right thing.
Ollie and I start playing, and I contemplate faking being bad so he teaches me how to play. But it turns out I’m just bad.
‘Come on, Pia,’ says Ollie. ‘What was that? Here, let me show you.’
He gets behind me and manoeuvres the cue. I feel hot under his touch. I feel his breath on my neck as he instructs me to pull back the cue and shoot.
The ball goes in.
I whoop, punch the air, and everyone cheers. Except Keeley, who now has her arms crossed.
I don’t feel good about this. I know she’s jealous of me. But I’m grateful for Ollie’s attention. Maybe I am important to him after all. This is the way things have always been. She’s the newcomer, not me.
Keeley taps Ollie on the arm. ‘I think she’s got it,’ she says, with a strained smile. She glances at me. ‘You said you were going to play that driving game with me. They’ve got it here.’
‘Oh yeah,’ says Ollie, laughing. ‘Keeley claims she’s a better driver than me, so we thought we could race and find out.’
Keeley looks at me pointedly. ‘It’s two players only.’
Message received. My heart drops a bit when Ollie leaves me to go play the game with her.
I start talking to two of the guys, Thom and Mike. Thom is quiet and doe-eyed, very sweet. Miles is brash, loud, and for some reason his accent sounds like Ollie’s, even though he tells me he’s from Chester.
‘So what are you doing for uni?’ asks Mike. He has one of those voices which always sounds like he’s yelling.
‘I want to do English, but I’ve not sent my application yet.’ It’s the first time I’ve said it confidently to a stranger, and it feels good. I’m in control of my own future.
‘Mine’s already sent off. I had to put down some snap choices. Although fingers crossed for Oxford. To read PPE, of course.’
There’s not much else to say, except I have no idea what PPE is. I thought it’s what builders wore on construction sites.
‘I’m so excited to get out of here,’ says Thom. ‘See the world, meet new people.’ He’s moving his hands around excitedly. I had taken him for an introvert with his quietness, but after two drinks he has become very talkative.
‘I don’t know, I quite like home,’ I say, looking into my Coke. ‘I like my family and friends.’
‘Oh me too,’ says Mike. ‘I don’t want to leave these buggers anytime soon. But don’t you feel excited by it all?’
Just then Ollie appears, with Keeley and Scott at his side.
‘Hope you’re only telling them how I was the best neighbour ever, Selena,’ says Ollie.
‘Absolutely,’ I say.
‘Even more than Mr All-American?’
I flush. I feel a twinge of . . . I don’t know. Guilt? Confusion? ‘He’s fine,’ I say. I don’t want to talk about Ty to Ollie.
‘Well now both you and Ollie are here,’ says Mike. ‘You’ve got to tell us some stories about him as a kid. Was he always this cocky?’
‘Ollie . . . cocky,’ I say, tapping my finger on my chin, pretending to look contemplative. ‘It is a word that has been used to describe Ollie before, I guess.’ I get a lot of laughs.‘As for embarrassing childhood stories? Let me see . . . ’
‘Now this is what I’m here for,’ says Diane, appearing back from the bathroom.
Ollie groans.
‘Well, he had this little rabbit blanket he took absolutely everywhere, for one,’ I say. ‘It got so tattered its ears fell off so I had to convert it into a guinea-pig.’
‘I had a rabbit blanket too,’ says Keeley, touching Ollie’s arm. ‘When you come over, I’ll show you some photos. I wonder if it’s the same one!’
‘I don’t know if that’ll make the story better or worse,’ jokes Scott.
‘Okay, I think that’s enough.’ Ollie laughs awkwardly. ‘Why can’t you tell everyone about some of my greater achievements? Like when I scaled that tree in front of the entire park. No need to ruin my reputation so early on. Keep some things a surprise.’
‘Well, the biggest surprise is that she was coming here at all,’ says Keeley, a bit too sweetly.
‘Oh, I think I mentioned it,’ says Ollie, putting his hand behind his head.
‘Not to me you didn’t,’ says Keeley. ‘I would have remembered.’
Ollie looks stricken. ‘Come on, Keels, why don’t you come with me to the bar and we can talk.’
Keeley gives me a smile as Ollie takes her by the arm.
As I watch him go, I feel the final pin of deflation. That look in his eye. The concern. I’ve seen it before. With me.
There’s nothing more to do here except to accept tonight is not going to be the night I tell Ollie about how I feel. I can’t, after I’ve seen him with Keeley. I need him on home ground, in the place where our connection feels the strongest.
I need to tell him back home.