Forty-Five
And I’m sorry that I
Didn’t pick up the phone
That I left you alone
That I wasn’t there
‘A Hundred and One’ from Dreamers
I meet Kira at a coffee shop the next day, after work. I left a bit early, but I don’t think anyone noticed. I said it was for my interview.
‘Why did you agree to see me?’ I say after we get our drinks.
Kira shrugs. ‘It was a very over-the-top way to get my attention. It deserved a response.’
‘How’s the end of term going?’ I say.
‘All good, everyone’s starting to take it easy you know.’ She shrugs, takes a sip of her coffee. ‘Honestly, it’s been quite shit without the three of us hanging out. How about you? You’re doing the work experience, right?’
‘It’s so good,’ I say. ‘I’m really enjoying it. I like doing this stuff! Even the boring bits.’
‘How about hanging out with Tori all day?’
‘She’s not so bad. I mean, we’re both doing this competition, but I think . . . I think she respects me now. Since I stood up to her that time.’
‘I wish I could have seen it,’ says Kira.
‘I was definitely inspired by you,’ I say. I think about it. ‘And I was inspired by me. It was time I started saying what I thought.’
‘Well, the letter in The Common Room really sounded like that.’ Kira smiles.
‘Did you like it?’ I say.
Kira rubs her chin. ‘I liked seeing you speak out publicly as yourself, you know. To Faye and I in private, yeah, you say what you think. But to everyone else, you’ve always been afraid. So I was impressed to see you less afraid.’ She pauses. ‘And the public apology was nice.’
I take a deep breath. ‘I am sorry, Kira. I’m sorry I said you were interfering, you were jealous of me and your expectations of life are unrealistic,’ I say, trying to remember everything I said on my birthday.
‘That cut me deep, you know?’ she says. ‘Like, I know they’re sky-high ambitions. I know wanting to be, not even Prime Minister, but wanting to be someone, is unrealistic. But what hurts is I thought you would have believed in me.’
‘I do believe in you,’ I say urgently. ‘If there’s one thing I believe in it is your ability to crush it. If anything, I’m the jealous one. I’ve always been jealous of your focus.’
She shakes her head. ‘Let’s cut jealousy out of this.’ She reaches over the table and takes my hand. ‘I forgive you, Selena. It’s going to take a lot more than a fight to break our friendship.’
I smile at her. ‘I’m glad. I realised how much I needed you.’ I look at her slyly. ‘But you will never guess what I did by myself.’
‘What?’ she says, leaning forwards.
‘I sent off my UCAS.’
‘No!’ she says, banging her hand on the table. ‘Really?’
‘Yup,’ I say, leaning back, happy to have told her. ‘And you know when I did it, the main person I wanted to tell was you!’
‘I’m pleased for you. What did you apply for?’
‘English Literature and Language. Keep my options open. And only London universities.’ I feel a tension in my chest. ‘I still don’t like the idea of leaving home, but I thought I should just send in the applications and figure it out later if I get accepted.’
‘Yes, Selena!’ says Kira, hitting the table. ‘I’m glad you’ve worked out how to do it your way. That’s all that matters. We’re all different, and that’s okay!’
‘I’m just so glad I can tell you about it. I really needed to start reversing the list of people I pissed off.’
‘Who else have you pissed off?’ she says, laughing. ‘Faye told me about your mum and the vase, which is really bad . . . but you got to admit, Tori’s boyfriend throwing up in it is an image.’
I shake my head. ‘The list was you, Mum and Ty,’ I say. I then fill her in on everything that happened with him and Ollie. ‘So then he said he thought we should be friends because he might be moving away in the summer, and he doesn’t want us to fall out again.’
‘And you kissed on your birthday?’
‘Yeah.’
‘And you told him you liked him?’
‘Yeah.’
She leans back. ‘Well, girl, that really is something.’
‘I was hoping for some advice!’
‘Well, it sounds like he likes you, and you like him, and you both told each other you like each other, so I’m not really sure what else you can do here.’
‘Well, he’s never explicitly said he likes me.’
‘He kissed you back, I would say it’s implicit.’
‘So what do I do?’ I say, sitting forwards. ‘What would you do?’
‘I would walk up to that man and tell him he’s being ridiculous and kiss him.’
I bury my head in my hands. ‘You make it sound so easy.’
‘You asked me what I would do. In all seriousness, I would tell him this is stupid. None of us really know what’s going to happen in the future. Why be stopped by possibilities?’
‘Even you, who knows exactly how your life is going to turn out?’
‘That’s the point – I know how I want my life to turn out, I don’t know how it actually will. Sometimes you’ve just got to do what you want to do in the present.’
‘So I should try and convince him.’
‘If you don’t try, you’ll never know. Think about the Secret Sender.
Yeah, there were a lot of bad things that happened, and yeah you got completely carried away with it – but if you had never put yourself out there, you wouldn’t have realised you liked writing so much.
Not doing anything at all would have been way worse. ’
‘Have I told you enough yet that you were right about that?’
‘You wrote it all in the school newspaper, but I won’t get enough of being told I’m right.’
‘I think I forgot how annoying you were during this silent treatment.’
Kira flicks her hair with her hand. ‘Well, I’m back. So you better get used to it again.’