Chapter 13
thirteen
WREN
After all the ice skating, I’m exhausted. Even if I got all amped up from kissing Ryan and practically skipped up to the spare bedroom. By the time I’ve changed into pajamas and my head finally hits the pillow, I’m out cold.
When I wake up the next morning, it’s on the late side. The clock says twelve past ten. I shuffle to the bathroom, then lock my bedroom door and climb straight back into bed.
I touch myself while thinking of Ryan.
It doesn’t take long. My fingers know exactly where to go. My brain is full of him. His mouth, his hands, the way he said little girl like he was tasting the words. I come fast and hard, biting my lip to stay quiet. But I don’t stop there. I do it again. Then again.
Three times. Because I’m greedy. Greedy for him.
It’s not just sex. It’s the way he looked at me, the way he kissed me. That’s what wrecks me. That’s what I can’t stop replaying. It felt like he wanted me. Me. But that can’t be real, right?
Why I think that arrogant, smug asshole is a good thing to fantasize about, I don’t know. I have no explanation for it. If anyone knew—Jay, the girls on set, Ryan himself. I think I’d dissolve into a puddle of humiliation. He can never know. No one can.
I think about what Elena said to me when she pulled me aside at the end of the night last night. Be memorable or be gone. Every single move I make now feels like it might be the one that gets me fired.
It certainly makes staying in bed much more appealing.
When I finally emerge from my bedroom at noon, Jay and Calla have deserted the house and left me to figure out my own schedule.
That works for me, honestly.
I climb back into bed and spend the rest of the early afternoon watching Bob’s Burgers reruns.
It’s nice to just veg out. No eyes on me.
No pretending. Just stillness. This is the only time I feel like I get to exist without performing.
No microphones, no dates, no pretending.
Just a blanket, cartoons, and the satisfying ache between my legs.
Eventually, I drag myself into the shower. Afterward, I dry my hair and quietly tuck away Ryan’s special jersey. The one I stole a few years ago, the soft one he never lets anyone touch. Into the bottom of my bag like it’s contraband.
It smells like him, like cedar and mint and a hint of whatever cologne he’s always worn. I used to curl up in it at night and pretend he’d given it to me. Now it feels dangerous to keep.
I change into a black crop top with The Kills scrawled across the front in pink, then pull on a stretchy pair of black leggings that sit high on my waist. I crown the look with my black Converse and my same coat.
I feel… hot. All this time, I thought you had to feel powerful to wear clothes like this. But in actuality, wearing these clothes gives me a weird, heady sense of power.
Like, for once, I can be the one who turns heads and breaks hearts.
Ta-da. Time to go try out my new outfit on a soft, receptive audience. I am ready to hang out with my big brother.
It’s Saturday night. I already know what Jay’s plans are. He’s always at the Tin Shed Pub on Saturdays for trivia. I try to join him as much as possible.
The Rustin siblings are many things. Stubborn, impetuous, absolutely unwilling to admit that we’re ever wrong. But we’re an unstoppable trivia team. We’re usually joined by a few of Jay’s friends too, so I know it’ll be a casual night of shouting answers over greasy bar food.
A small part of me kind of expects to see one particular giant hockey player sitting right next to him. I promise myself I won’t be disappointed either way.
He probably won’t be there. But if he is… what will I say? What will I do? What if he acts like last night meant nothing?
When I show up at the Tin Shed, I’m surprised by the crowd.
The pub is packed. As I slip in the door, an old vinyl record spins in the corner.
A dozen mismatched tables are already full of shouting regulars.
It’s hot and bright in here. I have to wade all the way to the back of the room to find Jay and Calla.
Every step into the pub feels like I’m walking across a stage. My coat’s too warm, my leggings feel like sandpaper. I already regret the lipstick. What was I thinking? I’m not Calla. I don’t float into rooms and own them.
But a year ago, I would’ve been somewhere in the background, hiding behind my laptop. Hoodie up. Eyes down.
Now I’m standing here in a pair of glittery Converse and an outfit that turns heads. I don’t shrink away from it. I don’t apologize for it.
This version of me doesn’t fade into the wallpaper. She’s a little scary, but she’s also mine.
“Hey,” I say, giving Jay a quick hug before turning to Calla. I pull her into a longer, more satisfying one. Her curvy body is made for hugging. Not like mine. Skeletons make jokes about how gaunt I am.
Me, I’m all elbows and flatness. No one ever looked at me like I was built for anything but disappearing. Sometimes I’m pretty sure even Jay forgets I’m in the room.
I slide into the chair beside Calla. Jay shifts his gaze to his wife.
“Hey, babe,” he says. “Can you give me and Wren a sec to catch up?”
Calla rises from the table and nods. “Of course. Bennett asked me to talk to him about wedding cake for an event they’re having, so I’ll just go do that.”
She slips off. Jay moves into her seat and smiles at me.
“What’s up, sis?” he asks. “I haven’t heard a word from you in days. Are you all right?”
I take a deep breath and nod. “Yeah, absolutely. I’m sorry I didn’t text you back. Work has been crazy.”
Jay raises an eyebrow. “How are things at The Last Kiss set? Hope it’s not too hectic for you.”
That gives me pause.
“Well… funny you should say that. I thought I’d be pulling my hair out running around as a production assistant, but it turns out that’s not what they need me for.”
Jay stills and gives me a hard look.
The moment stretches between us. For a second, I hate lying. But I also hate that if I tell him the full truth, he’ll try to fix it. That’s what big brothers do. I can’t afford to be fixed. Not right now.
“No,” I say quickly. “Not like that. I’m actually filling in for a contestant. Hanging out in front of the camera. It’s… surreal.”
“Whoa. How did they talk you into that?” His brow furrows. “You’ve always been extremely camera shy.”
I bob my head. “Yeah, I still am. But the head executive producer promised me a big fat bonus and a promotion if I played along. She and I have a plan. It’s kind of fun to be the secret mole, so to speak.”
I trail off for a second.
“Ryan is on the show,” I add quietly.
I don’t say the other part. That I kissed Ryan. That I can still feel it. That every time I look at him, my stomach flips like I’m sixteen again and hiding a stupid crush in my diary.
Jay’s face screws up. “Wait. You guys are on the same show? I thought maybe they shot multiple seasons at once or something.”
I can feel heat spreading up my neck and across my cheeks.
“He is the bachelor. And I’m playing along. Pretending to try to win him over. It’s… silly.”
That is an understatement if I’ve ever heard one.
“Wait. You and Ryan are supposed to be…?” Jay squints.
“We’re not supposed to be anything, really,” I say quickly. “Technically, I am supposed to be competing for him. To keep me on the show. But really, I’m just making him mad. You know how pissed off I make him.”
Jay’s shoulders relax a little. “Oh. I see. So it’s just business as usual between you two, huh?”
I make a face, instantly feeling bad about the lie. It was a little white one, at first. But now it’s grown into a big, hairy monstrosity. Still, I’ve already said it. So I just let it lie.
“Yup.”
Jay cocks his head. “Do I need to straighten Ryan out?”
“No, no,” I say, shaking my head and patting him on the arm. “I’m fine. I swear. We’re just playing pretend in front of the camera. Honestly, nothing physical has even happened between us.”
Which is not even close to the truth.
I blush, but Calla returns to the table just in time, still talking to Bennett about a cake. Jay’s shoulders relax a little more.
“If you need me to, I’ll straighten Ryan out,” Jay repeats. “I can talk to him. Tell him to watch out for you.”
“Please don’t do that,” I say quickly. “This is my job. It’s only for another seven weeks. Then I’ll have a promotion and be well on my way to a career in executive producing.”
He wrinkles his nose, but nods. “Come here.”
He pulls me into a hug, warm and solid. I let myself sink into it for a long moment. Jay is a good big brother and he gives great hugs.
Then, chaos arrives.
My friend Iris shows up with Cora. They’re Calla’s sisters. Cora, cool and intimidating in a sleek black dress and sharp heels that scream “courtroom drama.” Iris in vintage boots and a cropped jacket, looking like a hurricane of fun.
Calla waves them over. I catch Bennett rising from his seat to offer it to Cora, but she pointedly ignores him and takes the empty seat beside Iris instead. Iris squeals, pulling me into a quick hug.
“Where have you been?” she demands. “You have so much to tell me about working on a reality show.”
I smile and wiggle my eyebrows. “Later. I promise. Let’s just get settled in and ready to play.”
“Okay.” She winks and moves closer to Cora. “Just let me know when you’re ready to dish.”
Bennett gets up to grab us menus while Jay proudly displays his clipboard, trivia quiz already printed out and color coded. “Are you ready for some sibling duo power?” he asks.
“You’ve got all three of the Nikolakis sisters here,” Cora says, dry as ever. “We still might not stand a chance against table six.”
She jerks her thumb toward a table of clipboard-wielding older women in matching baseball caps that read Table Six Trivia Warriors .
It’s funny, but also terrifyingly nerdy.
Jay and I exchange a look.
“We’re not losing to table six again,” I mutter.
“No, we’re not,” Jay agrees. “I won’t stand for it.”