Chapter 47 #2
They stare at each other. I can practically see them sizing each other up. Finally, Jay nods once, sharp and decisive.
“Okay, then.”
“Okay, then,” Ryan agrees.
After dinner, Ryan kisses my cheek and tells Jay thank you for dinner. “I’m going to head out,” he says. “Give you two some space to talk.”
“You don’t have to leave,” I tell him.
“Yeah, I do. This part is between you and Jay.”
He’s right, and I know it. As much as I wanted him here for moral support, this conversation needs to happen without him.
“I’ll see you at home,” he says, and the casual way he says it makes my heart flutter. Home. Our home.
After he leaves, Jay and I migrate to the living room.
I curl up in the corner of the couch, the same spot I always sat in when we were kids.
Jay takes his usual chair. The room feels different without Ryan here.
Smaller somehow, but also safer. Like we can finally say the things we’ve been holding back.
“You love him,” he says. It’s not a question.
“Yeah. I do.”
“And you’re happy?”
“I am.”
He nods slowly, like he’s trying to accept something he doesn’t want to be true. “Then I guess that’s what matters.”
“But?”
“But I’m having a hard time with this, Wren. Not just Ryan, but all of it. You moving in with him, taking this new job, this whole new life you’re building. It feels like you’re pulling away from us. From me.”
And there it is. The real issue. Not Ryan’s reputation or my moving too fast or any of the other surface-level concerns Jay’s been voicing. The real problem is that Jay is scared of losing me.
“I am pulling away,” I say quietly. The words feel both terrifying and liberating to say out loud.
Jay flinches like I physically hit him. “Why?”
“Because I need space, Jay. Not because I don’t love you, but because I’ve spent my whole life being Jay Rustin’s little sister. I don’t know who I am outside of that.”
“You’re Wren. You’re brilliant and funny and kind and?—”
“In your shadow,” I interrupt. “I’ve been in your shadow my whole life. In high school, I was the girl whose brother was the Insta influencer. At work, I was the girl whose brother knew everyone in the industry.”
The words come pouring out of me now, years of suppressed frustration and resentment that I’ve never let myself fully acknowledge.
“Do you know what it’s like to walk into a room and have people light up when they realize who my brother is? To have every conversation eventually circle back to you and your career and your achievements?”
I’m standing now, though I don’t remember getting up. Jay looks stricken.
“To feel like I’m just an extension of you instead of my own person?”
“Damn, Wren,” Jay says quietly. “I didn’t know you felt that way.”
“Because I never told you. Because I was scared that if I stopped being the supportive little sister, you wouldn’t need me anymore. And if you didn’t need me, then who was I?”
I sink back onto the couch, suddenly exhausted. “Remember when I got accepted to that summer internship at NBC when I was in college? The one in New York?”
“Of course. You were so excited.”
“And do you remember what the first thing you said was when I told you?”
Jay thinks for a moment, then his face falls. “I asked if you knew anyone there. If you needed me to make some calls.”
“Right. Because even when I accomplished something on my own, your first instinct was to take care of it for me. To fix it or improve it or make it better somehow.”
“I was trying to help.”
“I know you were. But Jay, do you have any idea how that made me feel? Like my own achievements weren’t enough. Like I couldn’t be trusted to handle things on my own.”
“That’s not what I meant…”
“I know that’s not what you meant. But that’s what happened. Over and over again, for years.”
We sit in silence for a moment, both of us processing. I can see Jay trying to reconcile the version of our relationship that exists in his head with the reality I’m describing.
“I never wanted you to feel small,” he says finally.
“I know. But I did. I felt like I only existed in your spotlight’s shadow.”
“You’re not just useful to me at all. You’re family. That’s different.”
“I know you love me. But love isn’t enough if it comes with conditions.”
“What conditions?”
“That I stay the same. That I don’t grow or change or want things that make you uncomfortable. That I keep letting you make decisions for me because it makes you feel needed.”
Jay is quiet for a long time. I can see him struggling with everything I’ve just said. Finally, he looks up at me with tears in his eyes.
“I don’t know how to be your brother without taking care of you.”
“Then we need to figure out a new way.”
“You’ve always mattered,” Jay says fiercely.
“I know that now. But for the longest time, I didn’t. I can’t keep living my life trying to be small enough to fit in the spaces other people leave for me.”
We’re both crying now. I hate that having this conversation hurts him, but I need him to understand.
“I’m not asking for your permission,” I continue. “I’m not asking you to like my choices. I’m just telling you that I need space to figure out who I am when I’m not trying to be the perfect little sister.”
Jay wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. “How much space?”
“I don’t know yet. I just know that I can’t keep calling you every time I have a decision to make. I can’t keep looking to you for approval before I do anything. It’s not fair to either of us.”
He nods slowly. “You’re right. I’ve been treating you like you’re still fifteen.”
“And I’ve been letting you.”
“So what now?”
“Now I figure out who I am on my own. You figure out how to be my brother without trying to be my parent.”
Jay is quiet for a long time, just looking at me. Finally, he smiles, sad but genuine.
“You know, I always thought I was protecting you. But maybe I was just protecting myself. The idea of you not needing me anymore scared the hell out of me.”
“I’ll always need you, Jay. Just differently.”
“Different how?”
“Like a sister needs a brother. Not like a child needs a parent.”
He laughs, shaky and wet. “I don’t know how to do that.”
“We’ll figure it out.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
He stands up and comes over to the couch, pulling me into a hug. I bury my face in his shoulder and let myself cry, really cry, for all the years I spent feeling invisible and all the conversations we should have had but didn’t.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to be small.”
“I’m sorry I never told you how I felt.”
“You’re telling me now.”
“Yeah. I am.”
We hold each other for a long time. When we finally pull apart, something feels different between us. Cleaner. More honest.
“So,” Jay says, settling back in his chair. “It’s serious with Ryan?”
“Yeah. It is.”
“And the new job?”
“I love it. I’m good at it.”
“I’m sure you are.” He pauses. “Are you happy, Wren? Really happy?”
“Yeah. I really am.”
He nods. “Then I’m happy for you. Even if I still think Ryan’s an ass.”
I laugh. “He can be an ass. But he’s my ass.”
“God, that’s disgusting.”
“You love it.”
“I really don’t.”
But he’s smiling when he says it. I know we’re going to be okay. Different, but okay.
“You know,” Jay says as I’m getting ready to leave, “if it had to be someone, I guess I’d rather it be someone who’d take a punch for you.”
“You think Ryan would take a punch for me?”
“I think Ryan would throw himself in front of a bus for you. Which is the only reason I’m not throwing him out on his ass.”
“Thanks for that ringing endorsement.”
“Don’t push it.”
I hug him one more time at the door. “I love you, Jay.”
“I love you too, little sister.”
“Not so little anymore.”
“No,” he agrees. “Not so little anymore.”
I walk out to where Ryan is waiting, leaning against the driver’s side door of his car with his arms crossed. He straightens up when he sees me.
“How’d it go?”
“Good. Hard, but good.”
I reach over and take his hand.
“Thank you for coming tonight.”
“Always.”
“I mean it. You didn’t have to do that.”
“Yeah, I did. We’re a team now, Wren. Your battles are my battles.”
I used to believe I had to stay quiet to be loved. That I had to make myself small to fit into the spaces other people left for me. But I was never small. I was just waiting for the world to listen.
I never needed to sparkle. I just needed someone who saw me in the dark.
I used to be the girl behind the camera. Now I’m not behind the camera anymore. I’m not the extra in someone else’s show. I’m the whole damn storyline.
And I’m doing it all as myself. Not as Jay’s sister or Ryan’s girlfriend, but as Wren. Just Wren.
It’s terrifying and exhilarating and absolutely perfect.
“You okay?” Ryan asks as we sit in the car.
“Yeah,” I say, and I mean it. “I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.”
“Good,” he says, bringing my hand up to kiss my knuckles. “Because I like you here.”
“Just here?”
“Here, there, everywhere. As long as you’re with me.”
“You’re a total sap.”
“Yes, but I’m your sap.”
“Yeah,” I agree, leaning over to kiss him. “My sap.”
He smiles against my lips. I sigh into his mouth, knowing that what we have is forever. He’s a book with endless chapters and all I have to do is keep turning the pages.