18. Divine Sin
Zach
O h shit.
Oh fuck .
I moaned as Stavros’ tongue slid against mine, hot and bitter and stroking, searching. I was pushing him away, wasn’t I? I needed to be fucking letting go, running out the door, or apologizing. Or throwing myself on a fucking pyre.
Oh shit.
Stavros’ arms banded around my ribs, pulling me closer, hips grinding together in sudden and fiery friction.
Oh fuck.
It was too fucking much and not nearly enough. When our mouths parted for air, reality hit me like a brick to the chest.
"Fuck...fuck!" My hands balled into fists on Stavros' shoulders. I jerked to pull away, but his arms held me in place.
"Zach, Zach." The rough bristles of his beard nudged my temple. His mouth, that mouth I could still taste, made soft shushing noises like he was comforting a child. "It's okay, Zach. You're okay. You're safe."
"No." I buried my head in his shoulder, simultaneously wanting to disappear and curl against his chest. My gaze rolled to the side, finding Deyva staring at us in our locked embrace. "You two are together and...fuck, I'm so sorry."
"Zach." Deyva stepped forward, her hand finding gentle placement on my shoulder. "You have nothing to be sorry for, nothing at all."
Stavros let out a chuckle, his hands loosening around me just an inch. "I don't think she minds, Zach."
"Just the opposite, actually." Deyva wet her lips with her tongue, her eyes red and hungry. I wondered what we tasted like to her. "That was brave, and...really, really sexy."
"Don't beat yourself up. I know that's where your mind is headed." Stavros' arms released slowly from around me until his hands rested near my elbows.
His expression was concerned, protective. Seriousness, but without the stern judgment of the priests who had raised me. I knew that look well—he wore it the same day the bus dropped me off in Bethel. Stavros was not concerned with my immortal soul, but concerned for my well being.
"There's nothing wrong with what you just did, what we just did," he said.
"If you want to explore this, I'm willing to do that with you.
I just—" He glanced at Deyva, tongue flicking out over his lips in the same way hers did.
"My main priority is that you feel safe and comfortable at all times. I never want you to feel pressured."
"I—but..."
There was no question of whether I felt safe with Stavros.
He'd been a mentor to me, watching my back and growing closer as a friend since I ended up here.
I'd rib him about his habits with women and he'd entertain my many theological discussions.
I trusted Kais too, but he'd always been more closed off.
I never connected with him like I did with Stavros.
With him, it had always been there. A simmering undercurrent I thought I had under control.
If Deyva hadn't shown up, it probably still would be.
She was the catalyst, somehow bringing forth everything I tried to bury.
I was scared to death to face it—that I had sexual desires toward men and women equally. I felt like a fake, a failure.
And yet also...relieved? Like a burden had been lifted? The person I trusted most knew my darkest, most shameful secret, and it turned out he was the same as me. He still cared and wanted to look out for me. But...
"You two are together." It was the most coherent thought I could string together, looking between Deyva and Stavros. "I know you haven't made vows or anything, but—"
Deyva snorted, reaching up to scratch absently at one of her horns. "Yes, we can get into how patriarchal and oppressive sexual fidelity is later. What do you want, Zach?"
I turned back to Stavros. "It doesn't bother you that she just said that?"
The older priest shrugged his broad shoulders. "She's had all of us in our dreams. And yeah, I kinda figured Dey didn't subscribe to the same principles of monogamy as us."
"I guess I've never really been in a relationship before, come to think of it." Deyva tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Stav, wanna be my boyfriend? I'll let you fuck Zach."
My heart nearly beat out of my chest at the words, but there was a comforting plainness to how she said it too. Like the notion of us together was as normal as her offering us this arrangement.
Stavros coughed out a surprised laugh, a blush darkening his cheeks. "Uh, sure babe."
"Zach, want to be my other boyfriend? You can play with Stav all you want. You don’t even have to let me watch, but I’d be very grateful if you did."
"Um—" Yes! Yes, yes, yes. My hands tightened on Stavros and I barely nodded before she continued.
"Great, it's settled." She clapped her hands once.
"We are now in a relationship, so no more worrying about those boundaries being crossed.
Now back to the matter at hand. Zach," she pressed her palms together as if in prayer, "Stavros and I support you, whatever you decide.
Nobody wants you to feel guilt or shame for who you are. "
Stav's forehead nudged mine, a simple reminder that he was still close, but would back off if I showed any reluctance.
"God made you exactly as He intended." His breath fanned over my face. "But if you don't want this with me, or anyone, no one will push you. I promise you, Zach."
I watched his lips move as he talked, the want now overwhelming. It was steadier, not explosive like moments ago, but no less consuming.
I lifted my chin, angling my mouth toward Stav's. A small movement, but one he saw and understood. Dark eyelashes fluttered down as his mouth slanted over mine, lips pressing with a firm tenderness that wasn't entirely lust-fueled.
My heart pounded so hard, I was certain he could hear it. My body felt weightless, solid only where he touched me. I reached up, finding his coarse beard beneath my fingers as our mouths parted and reconnected with a sharp inhale of breath.
Strong arms locked around my waist, holding me secure, while I couldn't help but sigh and melt into him. This was Stavros—he'd never prey on me or let me fall. Who knew if or when I'd fully come to terms with how I felt, but I couldn't feel more glad that it was him with me.
His tongue slid into my mouth again, licking and tasting, enjoying me.
I'd always loved the way he smelled, the rustic shampoo and beard oil he used.
Now his scent was everywhere, his taste coating my tongue, and I wanted to be baptized in it.
To be born anew without all the shame, guilt, and fear riding on my shoulders.
My lips tingled and pulsed, sensitive to touch and thirsty for more. Stavros paused after a long, languid kiss, our ragged breaths mirroring in the space between us before his lips slid across my cheek.
"You decide how far this goes," he murmured, low and sexy on the corner of my jaw.
Over his shoulder I spotted Deyva watching us with flushed skin, red eyes, and the same hungry look I recognized from my dreams.
"Here, Zach. Feel this."
I opened my mouth to ask what, when the pulse of emotions hit me. Warm affection flooded through me, comforting and secure like a fire and hot chocolate in the winter. Weaved in were sharper emotions—heady desire and a fierce protectiveness, like the rich bite of wine.
"What is—"
"This is how Stavros feels about you," she said. "It tastes beautiful, but it's not meant for me. I thought you should feel it."
Stavros' cheek was against mine, lips resting on my neck while his hands still clasped around my back. I knew. She didn't have to show those emotions to me, I already knew. Still, getting confirmation from Deyva erased all doubt of what I wanted. At least for right now.
"You can feed on us, right?" I asked her. "If we, um..."
"I can, yes." Her teeth pulled at her lower lip. "But if you'd rather I—"
"Stay. Feed." My hands dove into Stavros' hair, pulling his mouth back to mine for another kiss. "Maybe you could give me some pointers, and um," I felt like smiling for the first time in weeks, "you are my girlfriend, I guess."
It was a bit of a jump. I’d barely finished apologizing to her, but she’d saved my life once, and then my dignity with Azariah. And I wanted, needed, to know what it felt like to do all the things I’d dreamed of with her, in person.
Deyva grinned and let out a girlish squeal, bouncing on her toes. "Oh, my boyfriends are so cute! Okay, you guys sit on the bed and I'll watch."
Stav chuckled as we made our way to his bed, our knees brushing as we lowered down. "Didn't think we'd be putting on a show, did you?"
"I came up to apologize to our girlfriend," I smiled against his lips. It really did feel nice to say that. "And yeah, didn't expect any of this to happen at all."
"Like I said." Stavros pecked my lips, turning so he had a leg on either side of me. "You decide what happens here. Nothing more."
Our lips slid against each other again, mouths open and tongues exploring.
Distantly, I heard Deyva dragging a chair closer as our hands moved more freely.
Dragging my lips across his beard, I found the warm skin of his neck.
His moan encouraged me, and I sucked harder over the thrumming pulse.
I got a secret thrill out of giving him a hickey that matched his other one from Deyva.
Strong hands slid up my thighs, fingertips digging into my leg muscles. My cock had been stiff since he first held me, but it was aching for him right then.
"Zach," he rasped, still leaning into my kisses and sucks on his neck. "Do you want me to...?"
"Yes." I gasped the word out, barely audible with how tight my chest had become. "Please, Stav. Touch me."
He caught my mouth with a growl, teeth grazing my lip as his palm pressed to the front of my slacks.
A whimper burst out of me, both from the harshness of his kiss and the delicious pressure on my cock.
I bucked into the touch, ground myself against his hand, and groaned as Stavros pressed closer to rub himself against my hip.