Chapter 32
It was well after midnight when Gunter finally shuffled back to his rooms. Questions from everyone had eventually devolved into Roca and Chalo trying to one-up each other in who could send more dragons, mages, and supplies to Burkhard.
Gunter was pretty sure it was Lisette who’d finally texted the queens, Anawarkhi and Diya, to chastise some sense into their mates.
Dieter then called for bottles of wine to be brought up from the king’s private reserve to soothe ruffled feathers and toast their plan to destroy the Jaeggi.
When it was clear serious discussion was at an end, Gunter had packed up his laptop and quietly slipped away. It was a momentous occasion, but he missed Nikki. He needed to wrap his arms around them more than he needed to be intoxicated with a bunch of dragons.
Just one problem.
Nikki wasn’t in their rooms.
Gunter normally wouldn’t be too worried about this.
Nikki could very well be getting a snack, sneaking something out of the greenhouse, or any number of things.
But any time Nikki was confronted with something Jaeggi, the mage emotionally took damage.
And after spending a full afternoon speaking with Lina, reliving what those days must have been like with the Jaeggi, Gunter possessed no doubt they’d taken damage.
He’d hoped, truly, that after everything they’d done and said to each other, Nikki would feel stable enough to not feel the need to escape. But Nikki wasn’t here.
And Gunter had a feeling he knew where they probably were.
He hesitated a long time, just inside the threshold of the doorway, debating on what to do. On how to handle this. Gunter absolutely didn’t want to put more pressure on Nikki. He wanted to lower the wall, give Nikki the confidence that they could share anything with him.
If that was possible. Gunter was well aware there were no magic words that could readily fix trauma.
And then the dark suspicion he wasn’t enough for Nikki raised its head.
Despite Nikki’s reassurances, maybe the reason Nikki felt the constant urge to escape was because they didn’t feel they were Gunter’s mate.
If staying in Burkhard meant being reminded of the Jaeggi over and over, wouldn’t the logical choice be to leave?
Nikki could escape over into the Americas and likely not have this problem.
They could live a full, free life and never have to think of the Jaeggi again.
Gunter really hated his logical brain sometimes, but it was a real fear he couldn’t dismiss. He’d never said ‘I love you’ to his mage. He’d never once said they were mates. He’d been trying to give Nikki time. But had he given them too much time? Or not said enough?
He stood in the doorway, thinking it all through. It had been five minutes. It had been five eons. The time really didn’t matter. But he finally came to a conclusion and went for his desk drawer, yanking out the passport that had arrived for Nikki.
One more time, he’d give Nikki all the power, all the options.
And whatever Nikki decided, he’d abide.
Gunter tried the courtyard first, hoping to find them there, as it would mean Nikki was still in the castle.
But he’d barely put a foot in it when he saw the garage door open, the little red car missing.
Shit. Would Gunter need to chase after them?
Although where Nikki would even go was a question.
They weren’t perfectly comfortable driving yet, and the road up here had a lot of twists and turns.
Panic beat a live drum in his chest. Gunter was all set to sprint for his car when he realized the front gate was open, too. And from this angle, he could just see the back bumper of Nikki’s red car.
Thank god. At least they were still here.
Gunter ran that direction, moving quickly. The engine was off, at least, although what Nikki’s plan was, who knew. Gunter had never met a more unpredictable person in his life.
Rounding the side, Gunter called out hoarsely, “Nikki.”
Nikki’s head came up and around, their eyes widening as they took in Gunter. Immediately, they opened the door, but their expression was worried. Their entire body language looked tight and unhappy.
Gunter’s gut clenched in dread. He felt, pessimistically, as if his worst fears were about to be realized.
Before Nikki could get a word out, Gunter offered them the passport.
A slender hand took it, their eyes searching Gunter’s with no comprehension. “Why are you handing me this?”
“Nikki, if you need to go, you can go.” Gunter felt like he was choking on his own words, but they had to be said. “I know that being here, being faced with the Jaeggi on a continual basis, is hard for you. If you need to leave, you can.”
Nikki’s eyes grew round, mouth dropping for a moment. Then they looked at the passport in their hand as if not recognizing their own limb. “Do you want me to go?”
“No.” Gunter had never felt closer to tears in his life.
Not since the destruction of his clan. He was terrified he was saying this all wrong.
But Gunter only had the truth to offer. “No, I don’t want you to go.
I love you. You’re my mate. I don’t know if you realize that.
I want you to stay, but I keep finding you out here, like you want to leave—”
Nikki launched themself out of the car, catching Gunter around the neck and holding on tightly. “I’m not leaving. I love you. I’m not leaving.”
Gunter latched on, shuddering in relief. He buried his head in Nikki’s neck and breathed. It felt like the first time in ages he could take a full breath. Thank god. Thank anything anyone cared to name. He’d been praying for this answer. He’d dreaded he’d never hear it.
Nikki pressed several kisses to his forehead, cheeks, and one to Gunter’s mouth, their hands framing his face. There was a smile on Nikki’s face, one tempered with amusement. “You idiot. I knew you were my mate the first time we met on the battlefield.”
The events of the past several weeks spun in a lazy circle and then settled to form a rather different looking picture. Gunter was floored enough by those words he almost staggered in place. What, really?! “Is that why you stuck so stubbornly by me?”
“Of course. I didn’t really understand the feeling then, not at first. I just knew I wanted you, and I liked being with you. I felt very strongly you were the person I should be next to. But I’ve never been in any doubt you’re my mate, Gunter.”
If the wave of relief got any stronger, Gunter would turn into a puddle of it.
Right here. He kissed his precious mage, relishing this moment.
He’d spent five hundred years waiting for it, and it wasn’t at all what he envisioned, but Gunter finally had his mate in his arms. And he couldn’t complain.
“I love you,” Nikki told him firmly. They glanced back at the car, grimacing.
“And I’m apparently scaring you really badly with this habit of mine.
I promise you, sweetheart, I’m not trying to leave you.
There’s nothing in heaven, hell, or on earth that can force me to leave you.
That is absolutely not why I’m out here. I just have to know I can leave.”
“You’ve said this before. But I’m seeing a pattern develop here, Nikki, and it’s not a healthy one. Every time you encounter something that brings up bad memories, you feel the urge to escape. I don’t know if simply giving this time will help you. And…can I be perfectly honest?”
“I expect you to be.”
“This does scare me. It terrifies me. Part of me still fears you choosing not to stay, even though you’ve been adamant about staying with me.
But the Jaeggi are constantly attacking us.
The fear and anxiety they bring might drive you out.
You’re strongly sure it won’t happen, and I believe you, intellectually.
But my heart goes into palpitations when I don’t know where you are.
I don’t know if I can handle multiple repetitions of this event without my heart failing.
Because I don’t know if it’s just you needing a minute outside, or if the Jaeggi have gotten their hands on you again.
And I can’t rest easy until I’ve laid eyes on you, made sure you’re safe. ”
Nikki’s expression twisted. “I knew it bothered you. I didn’t think of it from that angle. Sorry, Gunter, truly.”
Gunter kissed them, softly. Because he couldn’t say it was alright—it wasn’t—but he wanted Nikki to know he wasn’t angry with them.
“Tori and I talked of me maybe seeing his therapist. I’ve thought it over…and I think it’s a good idea. I don’t know how to untangle myself. There’s a lot I want to work through.”
Gunter had hoped to talk Nikki around to the idea.
Hearing them say it unprompted delighted him, as it meant Nikki really had come to terms with the idea on their own.
That was the best mindset for therapy, no question.
“I’m completely supportive of this idea.
I’ll drive you in to the sessions myself until you’re completely comfortable driving. I might even join you on a few.”
“Yeah?” Nikki’s head canted to the side before nodding slowly. “That’ll be good.”
“For now, though, how about we go back inside?”
“I’m all for that. Uh, Gunter?” Nikki let go of his neck to give the car a sheepish look. “Can you put the car back into the garage for me? I got out here and realized I’m not all that comfortable backing it up, and there’s not really enough space to turn around here.”
“Oh. Is that why you were just sitting here?”
“Well, I was enjoying the view, too. I would have called you in a minute to come rescue me.”
Laughing, Gunter pressed a kiss against their forehead. “Yes, I’ll put it away for you. Then come back to the room. I want to spend time with you.”
Nikki perked up hopefully. “Sexy time?”
“If you like.” Gunter adored that expression. He was also rather heated up by it. Sexy time with Nikki was always good.
“How about I run ahead? I’ll be nice and naked on our bed by the time you get to me.”