Chapter Six #2
She shrugged. Was that what the major would have done in the same position?
“In his mind, he probably knew he didn’t need it, and didn’t think beyond that.
” Had he been a selfish man? Probably, most were, but in his own way, he thought he was taking care of her.
“Regardless, Weymouth lavished gifts on me, took me all over England. Not only to his properties but also to the seashores, the Roman baths, to the Lake District, up into Scotland, then down to Cornwall.” Long trips, mostly, but in a well-sprung coach and with plenty of books to keep her occupied, she didn’t mind.
“It was all lovely, of course, and I appreciated that he wished to expand my horizons.”
“But not what you wanted at the time.” There was an intensity to the major’s expression that sent tingling awareness over her skin.
“Exactly.” With nothing else to do, Penny stared into the fire.
“By the time our fifth anniversary came around, I had overcome the disappointment that my marriage would never be what I’d imagined.
I would never have those gentle moments of bonding or feel as if I were the single most important person in my husband’s life.
” She rested her empty teacup on the low table in front of the sofa.
“Gifts and trips don’t replace time spent with me.
Why couldn’t he merely share an evening with me without expectation? ”
“I don’t know. Some men have trouble with that, especially if they aren’t truly in love with their spouse.” When a frown tugged at the corners of Cornelius’s mouth, she couldn’t look away. “Was he ever in love with you?”
“Oh, I rather doubt that. Fond, perhaps, but love?” She shook her head. “I never felt that from him.”
“Ah.” For long moments, the major stared into the fire. “Did you love him?”
“I felt affection for him to a point, but there were no feelings that might indicate love. We were… comfortable with each other.”
“Bah. He should have been so damned deep in love with you that he showed you by spiriting you off every chance he got. At the very least, he should have said something.” When he met her eyes, tears prickled behind her eyelids. “Did he ever change? Grow into something more than affection?”
“No.” She shook her head and attempted to blink away her tears.
“He had a mistress, not much for the carnal side but for the companionship, for he and I didn’t have much in common.
I didn’t begrudge him the mistress, for I didn’t understand what it was that he needed, and he’d already had a wife before me.
” For long moments, she was silent. Had she already shared too much?
“But eventually, I was lonely. When he discovered I’d been writing to you in the early years of our marriage, he asked me to stop. ”
“Yet he kept a mistress.”
“What was fair for the gander apparently wasn’t fair for the goose.”
“Ah. I’d wondered why the letters stopped.
Birchfield didn’t know either.” He leaned forward in his chair, and once he set his cup and saucer on the table, he rested his forearms on his knees with his hands dangling between.
That only called her attention to his powerful thighs and what his shaft had felt like in her hands.
“Did you not enjoy a robust carnal life? A man with a fresh-faced, young wife should have spent a good portion of his time in bed.”
“Oh.” Heat raged in her cheeks. “Do you want the truth of it?”
“Yes, for you’ve been telling the same up to this point, haven’t you?”
She nodded. This time she danced her gaze away from him to focus again on the flames in the fireplace.
“Weymouth bedded me once a month, and half those times didn’t end in intercourse, for he was only able to maintain that stiffness occasionally.
” Surreptitiously, she wiped away a tear from her cheek.
“I can count on one had the times he sent me flying in bed,” she admitted, in a barely audible whisper.
“What?” Shock went through his voice. “Shit. If he couldn’t maintain an erection, he could have at least pleasured you by other means.”
The way Cornelius had done so in the bookshop jumped into her mind, and the heat renewed itself in her cheeks. “He didn’t, for I suspect he couldn’t be bothered with the effort. I wasn’t the one who interested him; his mistress was.”
“Damn.” He cursed beneath his breath. “I’m so sorry, Penelope.”
Finally, she allowed herself a reaction to his using her given name instead of the shortened version. “Why do you say my Christian name instead of Penny?”
“Why not? It’s beautiful. So are you. What did Weymouth call you?”
“Penny or poppet or sometimes pet.”
“As if you were a relative or worse, a child.”
“Perhaps.” This time, she looked at him, surprised to see annoyance in his expression.
At her or at the marquess? A heavy sigh escaped her.
“Then it became obvious he wasn’t able to father children.
I struggled with my own form of mental ghosts after that, for the dream of being a mother was gone for me.
And with him, it would never be realized. ”
“There are only so many times I can say that I’m sorry for the life you were forced to live.” Pain shadowed his eyes. “I wish I had been in England.”
“To do what? Whisk me away? I was married, and Weymouth would have seen you in prison.” But the imagery was appreciated. “We all have our demons, and as you said, we all need to learn how to either evict them or live with them.”
“A paraphrase, certainly.” When he chuckled, a tickle moved through her chest. “Why did you wish to tell me this tonight?”
Why indeed.
“I needed to tell someone, and I remembered how lovely it was that long-ago summer night when we talked in the hedge maze.”
His expression turned guarded. “We were different people back then.”
“Agreed, but to be honest, I like the woman I am now over the young woman I was then.” Briefly, she held her bottom lip between her teeth.
“Thank you for listening. My mother never believed me when I brought the subjects up with her. Instead, she blamed all the problems in my union on me. So when you came by the bookshop that first day and kissed me, I was unexpectedly linked to the past.” A ball of tears lodged in her throat.
Why was she such a silly goose when it came to this man? “And then with what we did today?”
“Which time?” he asked with a waggle of his eyebrows.
Heat again slapped at her cheeks. “When you sent me to near insanity while I talked with Johnathan at the bookshop.” She shook her head with the ghost of a grin.
“That made me think of everything I’d missed out on during the course of my marriage, and I’ve vowed not to let any more moments slip past.”
“You are still young yet, and have a whole future ahead of you with the man of your choosing.” His eyes narrowed slightly. “Why didn’t you take a lover? I’m certain the marquess wouldn’t have begrudged you that.”
Because you weren’t available?
“I can’t know that. After all, he did ask me to stop writing to you.” A snort escaped her. “I’m not the sort of woman to do that. If I fell pregnant and tried to convince Weymouth it was his? Everyone would know I lied. That scandal would have been larger than the infidelity.”
Oh, why did I tell him that? Penny, shut up!
Once more he frowned. “So you tossed away the best years of your life on a man who treated you like a porcelain doll or an object on his curio shelves?” As he spoke, he gestured with a hand to one such shelf where Weymouth had kept objects d’art from France.
Did he think her foolish?
The thought that he might made her heart hurt. “That’s what a good daughter of the ton does.” Tears filled her eyes. “However, I’m done doing what everyone else thinks that I should. I want to live for me now.”
“Good for you.” The major nodded. “I’m proud of you.”
“Mr. Chandler told me this morning that he’s sold the bookshop, so that he and his wife can retire to a cottage in the country.”
“What?” Shock again echoed in the room. “And he didn’t give you the option to continue to run it for him? He could have still enjoyed a bit of income.”
“He told me I was too fancy of a lady to work in a shop. By May Day, I won’t even have the shop to escape to.” It left her with an emptiness in her chest, and a sense of panic about the future.
What am I going to do?
“And you feel after that, you won’t have a purpose any longer, is that right?”
“Yes,” she admitted in a breathless voice, as she stared at him.
“You won’t marry again?”
“Not unless the man in question completely turns my world tip over tail, and thus far, I haven’t met a man like that.”
He snickered. “More’s the pity.”
She frowned. “How do you know how I’m feeling?”
The grin he shot her had the power to weaken her knees had she been standing. “It’s how I felt when coming home from the war. Well, after I was released from hospital.”
Penny nodded. “How did you overcome it?”
“I’m not sure that I did.” As shadows once more reflected in his eyes, he turned his head to stare into the fire.
“Well, I hope that, for us both, we are successful in finding the path we need to walk, because I don’t enjoy this feeling of unease and not having a place in the world.” For the moment, his company was enough.