Chapter 18 Flo
I’m driving back to Evan’s land. The sun will be setting in about thirty minutes, so we have plenty of time to get back home.
Leo sits in his car seat in the back with Donkey on his lap, licking on a lemon-flavoured lollipop.
After the fun in the park, we headed into the city centre, where Mae and Poppy went home, and Leo, Donkey, and I raided the local candy store because I wanted to prove to him that there are better things out there than pickle-flavoured gum drops.
We got heart-shaped marshmallows.
Twizzlers.
Gushers.
Cotton candy-flavoured popcorn.
And a couple bars of Hershey’s chocolate, which will probably be melted by the time we get home.
But I promised Leo we could pour them into moulds and turn them into dinosaur-shaped chocolate bars instead.
Of course, I’ll have to give myself a hit of insulin before eating my controlled portion of the candy, but I have to treat myself now and then.
“Did you have a good day, Leo?”
“Yeah!” he calls from the backseat. “Donkey did too!”
“I could tell. He ate so many gushers, I’m surprised his donkey belly isn’t going to explode.”
“I won’t let him!”
That makes me giggle. “You’re a good dad to him.”
But Leo turns the conversation around on its head, asking me, “Flo, do you have a dad?”
I blink. “Um, yes, I do.”
“Do you have a mom?”
My throat runs dry, and it’s hard to swallow. “I do, bud.”
“I don’t,” Leo says nonchalantly, and I peek at him through my rearview mirror to see he’s gazing out of the window. For a three-and-a-half-year-old, he’s incredibly smart and tuned into his emotions. His tongue licks at his lollipop again, but his eyes are beginning to droop.
“You have one, she’s just not around at the moment.”
Panic begins to set in because I’m not sure if that was the wrong thing to say.
What are you supposed to say to tell a kid when they inform you that one of their parents isn’t around?
He’s too young and innocent to understand that his biological mother was too selfish to love him.
That she became a mother, which is a responsibility for life, but then decided she wanted out, and left his father with the weight of being a struggling single dad.
“Will she come back?”
Tears prick my eyes at the question, and my teeth draw my bottom lip into my mouth.
The car suddenly feels like it’s losing oxygen, and I open my window a little more, breathing in the warm summer Montana air.
These are the types of conversations Evan is supposed to tackle.
They need to be handled with care, and I suddenly feel as if I’m not qualified to touch this delicate situation.
“That’s probably something you need to ask your dad, Leo. He knows more about it than me.”
“Am I… a bad kid?”
What?
Has an invisible force just punched me in the gut? It sure feels like it. “Absolutely not, Leo. You are not a bad kid. Lots of people don’t have two parents, for many different reasons, so never think that it’s your fault, okay? Ever. You’re the best kid, and I love being your nanny.”
“I love you being my nanny,” Leo responds sleepily, smiling.
He thinks the reason his mother isn’t around is because he misbehaved? No child should ever be made to feel that way. Protectiveness swarms me. How dare someone make this little angel think of himself in such a way. I'm swear, I'm going to—
We round the corner to be met with a line of stationary cars, and I have to press my foot on the brakes, making my heart nearly launch out of my chest. The car behind me creeps up, stopping and adding to the line.
“What’s going on?” I mumble to myself, confused why we’re stopped on the small back-country road.
After a few minutes of waiting, I get out and see a large tree lying in the middle of the road, its bark bent and leaves scattered everywhere. It’s huge, and considering we drove this way only a few hours ago, it must have only just fallen.
A few men are working on it, using chainsaws to cut the tree into pieces so they can move it. However, due to the thickness of the trunk, it’s taking them a while even to dig the chainsaw into the bark.
“Sorry, darlin’,” one of the men says, wiping at his sweating forehead. “Fell down a little while ago. Must have been weakened by the storm we had. We’ll try to move it as quickly as possible, but just sit tight for now.”
“There’s no other way around?”
He gives a wave of his gloved hand. “Not that I know of. We’re working on it. You'll be on the move soon.”
How soon is soon, though? Sure, Evan’s place is only ten minutes from here, but if they can’t move the tree before it gets dark, I don’t know how I’ll cope. I haven’t even attempted to drive when the sun’s set since… what happened to Megan.
“Okay, Leo,” I say as I slip back into the car.
“Little hitch in the road, but we’ll be back soon.
” I try not to let my voice waver, and luckily, Leo doesn’t notice, offering me a piece of candy from the bag beside him.
I take one, but immediately place the wrapped sugar in the cup holder beside me, where the rest of my emergency candy is.
My eyes are on the car clock, counting down the time until sunset.
Thirty minutes.
Twenty minutes.
Ten minutes.
Anxiety rushes through my veins because even if the men were able to move the tree now, it would still mean I’d be driving in the dark, and I feel a panic attack coming on from just the thought.
Leo’s eyes have been shut for almost fifteen minutes now, so it seems the sugar rush has now turned into a slump. I take the time to pluck the lollipop from his loose grasp so he doesn’t drop it, and slip out of the car to take a breather, resting up against the hood.
The tree is almost in five movable pieces, but the heat is slowing the guys down. I bounce impatiently until I can’t take it anymore, and my nose begins to sting.
With eyes locked on the disappearing sun, my heart thuds, and I pull my phone from my sundress pocket. I dial Evan’s number, and he picks up on the first ring.
“Flo? Is everything okay?”
“No.”
“What’s wrong? Are you and Leo both alright?” He speaks in a breathless rush, panic setting in.
“We’re fine, but there’s a tree down on the road, and I know it sounds pathetic, but I hate driving in the dark, and the sun is about to set, and I’m terrified I’m going to freak out and crash.
I couldn’t forgive myself if I got into an accident with Leo in the car, and–and–shit, I don’t know.
I’m Leo’s nanny, and I should be able to drive him around at night, but I can’t and—
“Flo.” Evan’s voice is soft. “Flo, listen to me. Calm down for me and take a deep breath.”
I do as he says, filling my lungs.
“Where are you both?”
“On the back road leading to your land. About ten minutes out.” My heart is beating too fast. I swear it’s going to fall out of my ass.
“Near the lake?”
“Yeah.”
I hear shuffling. “Alright, I’ll leave now, so I’ll be there soon, okay?”
“See you soon.” I cut the call and slip back into the front seat, dropping my head down onto the steering wheel.
Who’s so scared to drive at night that they have to call the dad of the kid they nanny to come and pick them up? Shame fills me, wriggling around, feeling like a parasite in my blood.
Internally, I’m so hard on myself. I know it’s toxic, and I’d be the first person to tell a friend to stop it if I saw them doing the same, but for some reason, when it comes to myself, I let my insecurities run riot from time to time.
Driving in the dark—it’s something I want to do, but I just can’t.
I still remember being there when my mom received the call from the hospital saying that Megan had been involved in an accident.
I was fifteen and was about to learn to drive myself.
My sister spent a week in hospital with broken ribs, internal bleeding, and a concussion.
It had been raining that night, and Megan admitted she’d been driving too fast over a bumpy road, which was the reason she’d lost control and wrapped herself around a tree, but I just can’t seem to shake the fear that the same could happen to me, no matter how careful I am.
And perhaps I won’t be as lucky as Megan had been.
Why am I spiralling? Flo McKenna doesn’t spiral.
Evan reaches us quickly, and he pulls up beside us like a madman, eyes darting to a sleeping Leo in the back of my car while he strides to me. His jaw works as his eyes work down the entire length of my body, checking me over, and he asks, “What’s going on, Flo?” as he tilts his head to the side.
I flick my hand to the tree parts that are currently being lugged onto either side of the road, clearing the path. Cars begin to move, and Evan waves for the person behind us to go around as they stare at us in confusion.
“I can’t drive in the dark.” I prepare for a laugh or an eye roll, but it never comes. Instead, Evan dips his chin in a nod, furrows his brows with concern, and pulls my quivering form to his chest. His hands smooth over my back, rubbing comforting circles.
“Relax. You don’t have to. Do you feel okay?” Evan pulls back, eyes darting to my CGM.
“My blood sugar is fine. I just totally freaked out.”
“You’re okay,” he reassures me, bending down a little so he can look me in the eyes. “I’ll drive you back, and then I’ll come and get your car.”
I arch an eyebrow. That means he’d have to walk from his house to here, which would probably take him at least an hour, even if he walked quickly. “Absolutely not.”
“I didn’t ask for your permission, trouble. Come on, get in the car.” He opens the passenger side door for me before getting Leo.
The drive back to Evan’s is quiet and relaxing, and I even close my eyes for a brief moment, letting the sound of the tyres slowly rolling over the path soothe me.
Sitting in the passenger seat at night feels different to the thought of driving. My stomach doesn’t twist in the most harrowing way, thinking about how I have a hunk of metal that relies on my skills at my fingertips.