Chapter 30 Flo #2
He looks at me like I’ve just slapped him in the face, and regret clouds me.
“Flo, of course not.” He curses under his breath.
“I tried to back out of this, but I wasn’t given a choice.
I was going to leave Leo at home, but he loves parties, and frankly, I’m not going to let Zara’s presence ruin experiences for my son.
” Evan shakes his head at me. “I never asked you to come with me because I wanted to rub it in her face, Florence. Having you here with me felt right, because in the short amount of time you’ve been here, you’ve become a very important person in mine and Leo’s lives. ”
My lungs draw in a breath, and the moment stretches out as a burn rises behind my eyes. “Did you see the way she looked at him, Evan? Her own kid. It was like she didn’t even know him.”
He dips his chin down low. “It’s not something I wasn’t expecting.”
“And now she’s fucking pregnant. I mean, what’s so special about that kid, huh?
What does that child have that Leo doesn’t?
” Tears are dribbling down my cheeks now.
“What did he ever do to deserve his own biological mother looking him in the eye, and walking away again, just like she did when he was born?”
Evan’s face is expressionless.
"That child in there,—”I point towards the hotel—”feels like he's a bad kid because of her, and he deserves more than that.”
“You’re right. He does deserve more than that,” is Evan’s calm and collected response, and when I leave the floor open for him to continue, nothing comes.
It’s unnervingly still around us. Only our breaths can be heard.
“You don’t even seem upset, Evan.” I wipe at my nose, eyebrows pulled together. “His mother is in there, and you don’t even want to confront her? Ask her why she did the things she did? Ask her why she’s lying to everyone, including her husband, about having a child before him?”
That sparks something inside of Evan, and his pupils shift to coal-like before he inhales sharply. “Again, you’re right, Flo. I’m not upset. I’m past that point now. What’s confronting Zara going to do? Spilling the secret in front of everyone here tonight? Holding her accountable for her actions?”
My face falls.
“She’s had years to respond to my old messages, keeping her up to date on Leo.
Him hitting his milestones. His first words.
His first birthday. I never got a response, so I stopped.
What would begging someone who doesn’t want to be in her son’s life do?
If I’ve learned one thing from all of this, it’s not to chase someone who hates the idea of being caught.
I have no feelings for Zara, not sure I ever really did, and that part of my life is now behind me.
Would I like Leo to grow up knowing his biological mother?
Of fucking course I would, because I lost one of my parents when I was young and I don’t want the same for him, but that woman in there doesn’t want it, and like you said, Leo deserves better than for someone to be a part of his life because they feel like they have to, not because they actually want to.
My son will not receive a half-ass attempt at being a parent.
I won’t allow it. He deserves all or nothing. ”
Evan’s eyes are glassy, and his hands wrap around my waist.
“I’m okay with not knowing why she did what she did, Flo. I don’t need the answer, because frankly, I don’t think it’ll make sense to me. And I can live with that.”
“I’m sorry.” Guilt swarms me. “I understand your reasoning, I really do. I just want to break the woman’s beautiful fucking face for what she did to you and Leo.”
Evan flashes me a half smile. “And that’s one of the things that makes you you, trouble.”
“It’s you she hurt, not me. I don’t know why I’m so fucking upset.” I dab at my face.
“I do.” Evan strokes a stray tear away. “I don’t think this is really all about Zara.
I think this is because that situation in there made you realise that you love Leo, Flo.
And not the he makes you laugh and you’ll think of him from time to time kind of love, but the heart-pounding, protective, soul-consuming love that I feel towards him.
I can see it, and I guarantee you that so can he. ”
I sniffle.
“It’s okay to love my son, Flo.”
More tears fall. “I do love him, Evan. I love him so much. Like he’s my own kid, and I know I shouldn’t. I know that’s probably what you were trying to avoid with all of this, and I went and fell in love with him, anyway.”
I think it’s probably not just Leo I love, though.
“I’ll miss everything about this. Waking up to that stupidly annoying Whisker Wheelers theme song every morning, pouring Donkey’s milk and cereal into his egg cup just to make Leo happy, coming to watch you practice, even though you think it’ll convince Leo to become a football player one day, but I know you secretly love how he claps for you because no one that mattered really ever has. ”
Evan drags his bottom lip into his mouth, eyes liquified.
“The whole world has been against you and Leo for a long time, Evan, and I know you’ve come to accept it. You swallow it. You expect it. But I want you to know that you won’t get that from me. I’ll always be on team West, even after I’m gone.”
“Fuck, Flo.” Evan drops his head to my shoulder, arms snaking around my waist tighter.
“Thank you for trusting me with him. It means a lot.”
“Thank you for being, I guess, the mother that Leo never had. I’m so happy he got to experience it, even if just for a little bit. We’re both proud of you.”
Now we’re both crying, and I remember Gracie telling me that she hasn’t seen her brother cry since their dad died. It strikes something inside of me, like a thunderbolt has just pierced my heart.
He brings his lips to mine, the kiss soft and tentative, and his words hit me, like I hadn’t properly taken them in.
The mother Leo never had.