Chapter 15 #3
Warmth encases me, knowing he wants to hurt Lucas for what he’s done to me.
Knowing he wants to protect me. But the truth is, I’ve never really thought about it—that aftercare was even supposed to be a thing.
Maybe that’s what I get for only ever being with one guy; I thought our dynamic was normal.
But I’m starting to think that’s no longer the case.
And that realization hurts. “I mean…I guess?” The lie isn’t convincing.
I don’t know why I want to keep that from him.
Probably the shame that comes with never knowing my worth. It’s embarrassing.
“That’s not the right answer, sugar, and you know it.” Despite the softness that encases his voice, I can hear the edge to it.
He’s so good at seeing right through me.
Always has been. “I didn’t know that it was supposed to be like this,” I admit.
“When Lucas and I…” His jaw tenses at the mention of his name, knowing that he’s had me in ways that should’ve been his first. He’s…
jealous. “No. He never did anything like this afterward.”
Nathan mutters something indecipherable under his breath before pulling me into his arms. “You don’t just get someone off and then send them on their way like they don’t matter.
When you love somebody, and I mean really truly love them because you’re not about to tell me that he did, you don’t treat them like it’s just sex.
I’m going to erase every trace of him from your body, heart, and mind, and you’re never going to have to wonder what it’s supposed to be like again. ”
It sounds like a promise…and maybe it is.
But I still can’t stop my mind from wandering, trying to decipher how we can possibly make this work with the wounds we both still need to heal.
I’m working on forgiving him for everything that happened after Miles died, but I’m not there yet.
And there is still so much that I have to get through with the divorce, the trauma from losing Hallie…
everything. He has his own shit to worry about, too, and we have Claire living here with us now.
It’s just a lot, and I have no idea how to navigate it.
“What are you thinking about?” he murmurs into my hair where he plants a kiss.
Not knowing how to tell him the truth, I opt for a change from the subject taking place in my mind. “Why did you never tell me?”
His answering silence lets me know he understands exactly what I’m asking.
He said he’d waited for seven years. When he answers, it’s hesitant, as though he’s searching for the right words.
“I was going to. God, I wanted to so badly, but I was afraid. You were with Lucas already and you seemed so happy and I was so terrified that you’d say no.
Or look at me differently. That you wouldn’t return my feelings.
That it would all blow up in my face and I wouldn’t only lose you but I’d lose Miles, too.
You both meant so much to me. You both still do even though he isn’t here anymore.
It wasn’t worth the risk and there were so many things that felt like they were working against me. ”
I search his eyes, seeing not only the longing there, for a secret kept for years, but also his pain. “So you decided you’d just live without me ever knowing?”
He shakes his head. “He knew…”
My brows furrow. “What?”
“He knew how I felt about you. The night he died, he told me. I remember what he said even after all this time. ‘You’ve always had her best interests at heart and you still do, which is why you’re being stubborn about this.
That’s why I trust you with her. If you care about her, and she feels the same way, what’s the harm?
’ At first I didn’t possibly think he was being serious, but I should’ve known better.
He was my best friend, of course he could read me.
And when he told me that you felt the same way, I decided I was going to tell you.
I had created all of these invisible lines in my head because I didn’t want you to think I had been waiting for that moment or that I was taking advantage of you.
I was worried it looked wrong, but then the crash happened.
I was convinced you were going to hate me because I lived and he didn’t.
” The exhale he releases is sharp, his voice breaking on the last word.
There is so much grief on his face and I know he recognizes the disbelief that crosses mine. “He…he approved?”
He nods. “He wanted us together, consequences be damned. He wanted both of us to be happy even if it meant rocking the boat.”
Tears prick my eyes, and I squeeze his hand, grounding myself in his touch. “We would’ve been, if you’d given us a chance.”
“But I blew it a long time ago.” I wish he knew that he didn’t, but I’m not ready to give my heart away again, even though it’s always belonged to him. “I should’ve told you, I should’ve been man enough and fought for us. For the future Miles pictured for us.”
Pure, unfiltered ache fills me with his words. “And yet you didn’t.”
“You don’t have to believe me when I say this, but I truly thought I was doing the right thing, even though it hurt like hell.
I ran because I cared for you, because I wanted to spare you from my baggage.
No—that’s not it. I was being selfish because I was terrified for the way you’d look at me.
But, sugar, Thea, I have never stopped. I never stopped caring.
I never stopped wanting this. I never stopped wanting you.
” A tear escapes, trailing down my cheek at his confession.
“I don’t have an answer for you…” My voice is barely above a whisper. I don’t want to go back, I want more than anything to move forward. And yet, my cracked heart doesn’t feel capable.
His lips press into a thin line, pain etched across his face.
“You don’t have to say anything. I just needed you to know that…
you’re my heart’s home. And if there’s even the smallest part of you that still—no.
I won’t ask you for that. I just needed you to know the truth.
And if you never return my feelings, then I can live with the distance.
With having whatever moments you’ll give me.
Having any piece of you is better than having nothing at all. ”
When I don’t respond he goes on. “I shouldn’t have said anything, I’m sorry.”
I turn in his arms, my hand cupping his cheek. “No…no. I’m glad you did. I just don’t think I’m ready for this. I don’t want to walk away from you, or lose what we could have, but I don’t really know how to be by myself and I think I’d like to get to know her.”
“I understand. You don’t have to be ready.
I’m not asking for you to figure things out right now, but it was tearing me up inside to keep it from you any longer.
If you rejected me, at least I know I could try to move on and live with the pain of that versus the pain of regret.
You’re it for me.” He smiles at me then, and it might be small, but it’s honest. Real.
We lay there for a while, just enjoying each other’s company when I say, “I don’t regret what happened tonight.
I’m not sure why I felt the need to tell you that, but it seemed like you should know.
” And it was true. I don’t regret it. But it can’t happen again.
I need to figure out a way to be myself without being tethered to someone else.
He doesn’t respond, and that’s okay. We continue to lay in each other’s arms until his light snore fills the bedroom.
“You aren’t a moment,” I whisper. “You’ve never been just a moment…”