Chapter 10 #2
“Well, let’s say it makes you feel confused. Maybe you made a mistake or two after you drank it. It’s messing with your head and your… libido.”
“That doesn’t sound good. What are the benefits of this pill?”
“I sleep like the dead. I’m less jittery. People don’t irritate me as much. In the mornings, when I wake up, I’m… well, not happy, but content. I feel different, but I’m not sure I like it.”
“So this pill helps you sleep, gives you comfort, and makes you feel like a different person? It sounds good to me, despite the occasional side effects. What’s her name, by the way?”
Verna’s giggle made me fidget in discomfort.
“No, it’s not like that… It’s more like a friend thing. Well, not that either. An ex-enemy thing turned… comrade, maybe? It’s like… have you ever eaten something that tastes delicious but makes your stomach feel funny? Do you like lemons? Am I making any sense?”
“More than you know,” Verna said patiently. “Change is good, Adam. Sometimes, it pulls you out of your comfort zone, but we all need a good shake-up from time to time.”
“Yeah, I don’t know about that. I would prefer if things went back to how they were.”
“Are you sure about that? Were you happy? Were you rested? I’m thinking no. That’s why you should give this a shot. Accept a helping hand. Not everyone is out to get you. There are still good people in this world, and you shouldn’t be afraid to let them into your life.”
“Hmm,” I hummed, mulling it over.
“Everyone needs someone, Adam.”
“Maybe you’re right,” I admitted with a sigh. “Anyway, thanks for the chat. Charge it to my card, will you?”
“No problem. Thanks, hun.”
“Thank you, Vern. Talk to you later.”
I hung up, gazing into the distance where the city lights flickered, restless like me. I always felt alone in the world, but nights like these, starless and silent, brought out something ugly in me. So ugly that if I were a wild animal, I would go out and hunt.
Change is good.
Verna’s words clung to my ears like a tune impossible to shake off.
Change is good.
I didn’t have to decide tonight if she was right, but I didn’t have to spend the night alone either.
Jordan
I was pacing my living room like a rat in a maze, at war with myself.
I knew it was a bad idea, but I couldn’t let go of it.
The phone was in my hand. Should I do it, though?
Should I call Adam and ask him if he would like to come over?
I wanted to. My hands itched with how much I wanted to.
How could I go to sleep knowing that he was somewhere, unable to do the same?
I was in a position to help him out, but the pressure in my chest told me it was more than that.
It was probably why I was still mulling it over instead of calling him.
Call him.
Don’t call him.
He’s an asshole.
He changed.
People don’t change.
Maybe sometimes they do.
Finally, I told the voices in my head to fuck off and dialed Adam’s number.
I was wondering if I was making a mistake when my doorbell rang.
I rolled my eyes and went to answer the door, only to blank out when I found Adam standing on the doorstep.
When his phone started ringing, I immediately hung up, swallowing with difficulty.
“You were calling me?” he said, peering at his phone.
“Yeah,” I mumbled, clearing my throat. “Erm… yeah. I wanted to ask you about… Never mind.”
I moved to the side so he could come in, only to realize he’d brought a bag with him that smelled delicious.
“What’s that?”
“Food.”
He brought me food. That was unheard of.
“How did you know I was hungry?”
“You’re always hungry, Jordan.”
That was true, only in the past, he would rather let me starve than bring me a meal.
“Also,” Adam added, looking uncomfortable. “I need that thing again.”
I frowned in confusion. “What thing?”
“A sleepover.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. So… What will it cost me?”
It will cost you a fuck.
I flinched at the thought in my head. Jesus. No.
“Um…” I mumbled, trying to think of something else. “I want us to hang out.”
Now it was his turn to look confused. “Hang out?”
“Yeah, like sit in front of the TV and… hang out.”
He scratched his head. “I guess I can do that. What else?”
“I want a cuddle.”
The word made my cheeks burn, as he cocked his eyebrows in the unspoken what the fuck.
“A what?”
I decided to go all in, although what I was about to say was also the truth.
“Today is the anniversary of my parents’ death. I feel awful, and I need a cuddle.”
“Oh,” Adam muttered, his expression turning serious. “I see. Also, I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault. So… what do you say?”
“How long would this cuddle thing have to last, and how is it done?” he asked me, sounding genuinely baffled.
“One minute should do it. You hug me, and you get a hug in return,” I replied, trying hard not to laugh.
“I agree to a one-minute cuddle if you promise not to hump my leg like you did the other night,” Adam deadpanned.
I gasped, appalled. “I did not!”
He grinned. “Chill, I’m teasing you. So, apart from that hanging-out thing and a one-minute cuddle, what else do you want?”
“Fifteen bucks.”
I wanted to ask him for more money out of sheer principle, but I didn’t want him to go broke over a good night’s sleep. Our paychecks were an atrocity if I ever saw one, which got me thinking.
“I don’t know why I’m doing this,” I admitted as Adam took out his wallet and paid me.
“Out of the goodness of your heart?”
“No, not this. I meant our job. Why am I a cop when it’s a soul-wrenching, heart-breaking ordeal, and it pays little to nothing?”
Adam shrugged, taking the food containers out of the bag. “I like putting thugs behind bars.”
“Yeah, me too, I suppose. See, we’re not that different after all.”
“Not so sure about that. Incidentally, what would you be if you weren’t a cop?”
“A tattoo artist,” I replied.
He chuckled. “I wasn’t expecting that. Why?”
“I like the idea of creating art on people’s bodies. Also, it would make me look cool, and attractive to women. Well… I should probably say men.”
When a sky-blue gaze found mine, I regretted saying that.
“Are you sure about that gay thing?”
“Yup,” I replied, looking away so I wouldn’t have to look at him. “Do we need plates?”
“How can you be sure? You haven’t tried it, have you?”
How was I supposed to answer that without telling him that no woman in my life ever made me feel like him?
“No, I haven’t tried it,” I replied finally. “But I know.”
After Adam joined me on the sofa, we ate our noodles while watching the football game on TV like normal people. Friends, almost.
“This is actually working,” Adam murmured, more to himself than to me.
What did he mean by that? Us, hanging out?
Us, eating together? Us, sleeping in bed together?
Also, I wasn’t sure if this, whatever it was, worked.
Why? Because the food container in my lap could barely hide my erection.
Because I wanted more than a cuddle and a sleepover.
Because I wanted that cold, uncaring man to care about me.
Because I wanted us to fuck. Kiss, make out, fuck…
any of it. All of it. Sadly, he was straight, and even if he weren’t, I was the last person he would put his mouth on.
Except that he already had. Fuck. Why was life so confusing?
After we finished eating, I brought a pack of Coronas from the fridge, and then we just sat there in silence. The room was dimly lit, making his blue eyes darker and the scar on his face paler.
“Can I ask you something?” I said, fiddling with my beer bottle.
He shifted his gaze from the TV to me. “Sure.”
“If I tell you something about me, will you tell me something about you?”
“Why should I?”
“Do you like sleeping here?” I threatened, only half-joking.
Adam rolled his eyes. “Fiiine.”
“How did you get the scar on your face?”
For a few moments, he was staring at me, probably debating with himself whether to answer.
“The same way I got the ones on my back,” he said finally. “But I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Is there anything you want to talk about?” I said, eager to keep the conversation going because I liked getting his attention.
When he draped his arm over the armrest above my shoulders, I flinched. He kept doing that, and it was driving me crazy. First, it would bring him too close to me. Second, it would put him in the position where he could stare at me, like right now.
“What happened to your parents?” He asked me an unexpected question.
“My father was an army man,” I replied, gazing into the distance. “He and my mother were flying to some military event in South America when their plane crashed. Their bodies were never found, but… we had a funeral after enough time passed.”
“How old were you when it happened?”
“Fifteen. Uncle and aunt took me in after that, but I was devastated. It was the only time in my life that I was glad I didn’t have any siblings, because I didn’t want anyone to suffer as I did.”
Adam nodded. “I’m glad I’m an only child too, but for different reasons.”
“Is your mother still alive?” I asked him.
He shook his head. “A combination of sleeping pills and brandy was her way out. She couldn’t stand her fall from grace.
You know... from being a beauty queen and the mayor’s wife to being the wife of a convicted felon.
After her death, it was foster care for me until I was old enough to say otherwise. ”
He was telling it with a guarded expression that made me realize he’d never said it to another soul in his life. I was sure of it.
“I’m sorry. It must have been tough.”
Adam shrugged. “I survived.”
But at what cost? He was jaded, bitter, and churlish. As far as I knew, he had no friends, and I never saw him with a woman. Most of his colleagues detested him, never realizing what I always suspected. Adam Markland wasn’t a beast. He was a wounded beast.
“I have scars, too, you know?” I said, feeling the need to even the playing field, or maybe I only wanted to make him feel better.