Chapter 17
I Would Rather Die
One week later
Jordan
I rang the doorbell while checking the list of names I had memorized on my phone.
It was the fifth and last name on the list, which meant my last hope.
So far, it was a fool’s errand, but I hoped my luck would change because I was getting desperate.
I was a drowning man gasping for the last breath of air.
A man, dangling over the edge of the cliff with a dark abyss under him.
A man, who miscalculated, made a terrible mistake and ended up suffering for it.
When a woman opened the door, I put on a rehearsed smile. She had red hair streaked with gray, a turban on her head, and a nervous look on her face. She looked fifty-ish, but I could be wrong.
“Not another exorcism?” she said, checking me out. “You’re the cutest thing, but it would be the third one today, and honestly, I don’t know if—”
“I’m not here for an exorcism, ma’am,” I cut in. “May I come in?”
She gave me a once-over. “What do you want, cop? I have a feeling it’s not palm reading.”
“No, it’s not,” I replied. “In fact, I’m looking for a friend. I can pay.”
As it turned out, those were the magic words because she let me pass.
“Come on in, then. Are we talking about a missing person?”
“No,” I said, looking around. “At least I hope not.”
I had visited a few similar establishments during the past few days, and they all looked pretty much the same. It meant skulls, candles, and dim lighting, with the smell of herbs and wax permeating the space.
“Your timing is good,” the woman said, lighting yet another candle. “The spirits are restless today so—”
“You misunderstood me,” I interrupted her. “The friend I’m looking for mentioned you. Well, he mentioned someone named Verna… a medium like yourself. That’s why I’m here. And you’re the last Verna on my list, so I’m pretty desperate.”
The woman frowned. “Who’s your friend? Is he dead?”
“No. He disappeared a week ago, but—”
“What’s his name?”
“Adam Markland.”
“What’s your zodiac sign, hun?” she said, sitting at the table and shuffling a stack of cards.
“Aries.”
“Interesting. Please, sit down.”
“Look, I did something stupid,” I admitted, sitting across from her.
“I kept a secret from this person, and now he won’t talk to me.
He’s not answering my calls or texts. He took a leave of absence, and he never returned home.
I know it because I have the keys to his apartment, and I have been sleeping there since he disappeared. I would give anything to—”
“Breathe, Jordan,” the woman said, smiling. “Incidentally, are you a dreamer or a realist?”
I frowned. “How do you know my name?”
She pointed at the crystal bowl in front of her.
“I see things.”
“Right,” I murmured, rubbing my forehead. “I’m a realist, I guess. Look, if you know Adam… my Adam…”
She took my hand in hers as her expression turned serious.
“The friend you’re looking for, Jordan… he’s more of a dreamer. Not the usual kind, but he keeps his hope safely stored.”
“Why?”
She shrugged. “Trust issues? Because he’s the loneliest person in the world? Both?”
“Look,” I said, gulping. “I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll pay you. I’ll beg. Just tell me where Adam is.”
The look in her eyes gave me her answer even before she spoke. “I would like to help you, Jordan, but I really don’t know where your friend is.”
“You’re exorcising demons, and you can’t help me with a missing person?” I snapped, only to regret it. “I’m sorry, Verna. I’m desperate. And in love. I’m just… I apologize. I’ll get out of your hair.”
I was at the door when she spoke. “This friend of yours… is he the forgiving type?”
“No,” I admitted, smiling bitterly. “He will never forgive me, which makes me an even bigger fool.”
“What do you hope to achieve, then?”
“I need him to know that what I feel for him is real,” I told her the truth. “That’s all. Anyway… I wish you a good night. No, wait, I didn’t pay you. Do you take credit cards?”
When I turned to look at her, Verna Bulut smiled. “This one is on the house, cop. I like a good love story.”
“It’s not exactly a love story,” I said with a sigh.
“Whatever you want to call it, hun. By the way, there’s a blues joint across the street. Why don’t you go there and have a drink or two?”
“I don’t want a drink, Verna,” I said, feeling defeated. “I tried, and it’s not helping. Also, I’m not sure I like blues.”
“You’re such an Aries,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Change is a good thing, Jordan. Don’t you ever forget it.”
Adam
“Fuck this blues dump,” Thelma scoffed, staring at the empty glass in front of her. “It’s too early to leave. The night is young, am I right?”
“Actually, it’s late,” I said, wrapping her jacket around her. “People who work here need to rest, too. Come on, let’s go. I’ll give you a ride home.”
“You don’t have to do that,” Thelma grumbled. “I don’t need your pity. I’m not that old or that drunk. I’ll take an Uber.”
“Should I call it for you?” I said, following her to the door.
“I called it, sweetie, but thanks.”
We stepped onto the street just as her Uber arrived, and Thelma hugged me. “See you tomorrow? Same city, same time zone?”
I grinned. “You better believe it.”
After she left and the car disappeared from my sight, I lit a cigarette, only to hear a familiar voice behind me.
“I didn’t know you smoked.”
I smiled despite every inch of my body waking up after it had been clinically dead.
“I recently gave in to all my vices,” I said, taking a puff. “Smokes, booze, bad women, and equally bad men. This time next week, I’ll probably be on crack.”
“Men?”
I could hear both disbelief and frustration in the voice. Desperation, too.
“Incidentally, I was wondering when you would find me,” I said, turning around. I’d been bracing myself for this moment, but nothing could prepare me for the golden heat in those amber eyes.
“Am I too early or too late?” Jordan said, stepping toward me. I took a step back to a safe distance as if he could hurt me physically, which he couldn’t. The only damage he could cause was to a certain organ in my chest that was already shattered.
“I guess it depends,” I replied. “Are you talking on behalf of Internal Affairs or the LD?”
Jordan shrugged. “Does it matter? You’ll blame me either way.”
“Probably,” I agreed, looking toward the spot where I parked my car. “This subject is riveting, but if you’ll excuse me, I have a plane to catch.”
“Here’s your key,” Jordan said, extending his hand. “You don’t have to be homeless to avoid talking to me.”
Careful not to touch him, I took the key. It was mine, after all.
“I’m not homeless,” I said, slipping the key into my pocket.
“Where do you live?”
“In a motel. Look—”
“Can we talk?” Jordan interrupted me.
That just pissed me off, but I let it slide. After all, I was having fun. “Sure. Talk.”
He walked up to me, looking both desperate and enraged at the same time.
“I’m sure the concept of undercover work is not foreign to you,” he said through his teeth. “I lied to you because I had to lie. I kept things from you because it was the job. I hope you can understand that.”
“Oh, I get that,” I deadpanned. “But did you spend two years trying to get close to me under pretenses or not? Did you make me think you liked me or not? Did you let me shove my dick into your ass, making me feel as if you, in fact, wanted this—”
“I wanted this!” Jordan exclaimed, wiping away the rain running down his face, because the storm descended upon us. “You know I did. Why are you acting otherwise?”
“I’m not acting,” I said matter-of-factly. You’re the one who has been acting, Agent Slade, or whatever they call you in your department.”
“I quit my fucking department!” Jordan shouted as the lightning cracked above us.
“I did it a year ago when I asked for a transfer to the LD because I was addicted to you, just like I’m addicted to you now.
I stayed in the worst department in the country because I hoped that a day would come when you would smile at me. How pitiful is that?”
“You just don’t get it, do you?” I asked him, genuinely baffled. “I opened my heart to you. I trusted you. I let you into my life while ignoring the gut feeling that told me you were a lying piece of shit.”
“Oh, give me a break,” Jordan said, laughing bitterly. “You were an ass to me for years. If I can forgive you for that, you can do the same.”
“I’d had cigarette butts put out on me, you leech,” I bellowed, because he just wasn’t getting it. “I’d been beaten and flogged, betrayed and abandoned, but it all hurt less than what you did to me. Do you want to know why? Because I didn’t fucking care!”
“I love you, okay?” Jordan said, sounding strangled. “What do you have to say to that? Or doesn’t it mean anything?”
Oh, the elusive L word. I never thought I would hear it in my life, but there it was. Or maybe it wasn’t. His words were obscured by the howling wind and the storm, so I wasn’t sure I heard him right.
“It means a lot,” I said, wiping the rain off my face. “Just not in this lifetime.”
“Oh, fuck off!” Jordan bit out. “Can’t you love me back, you stupid jerk?”
Unfortunately, I already did. I loved that annoying, lying fucker who sneaked into my heart so cunningly that I never even noticed it.
It made me so angry that I would have hurled that L word at his face when the world around me flipped on its axis.
One moment I was on my feet, and the next I was high in the air, amongst the clouds.
An earthquake later, or it felt like it, I found myself on the ground.
I could hear the cars honking. People around me were screaming.
Only the flickering curtain of stars above me seemed indifferent to it all.
“I told you, cop!” A voice in the distance reached me, vaguely familiar. “Those mashed potatoes you shoved in my face were a big mistake. By the way, Bull sends his regards.”
Skull Crusher.
I recognized his voice, just as the world around me darkened. The last thing I could remember was the amber eyes filled with panic above me, and a panicked voice calling me.
“Adam! Can you hear me? I called an ambulance. Please say something.”
I tried to say something. I tried to smile. But I was already gone.