Chapter 43 – KNIGHT
KNIGHT
white walls.
bright lights.
too bright.
wrong wrong wrong.
burn eyes.
make head hurt.
memories crash like waves.
not here.
back there.
strapped to table.
metal biting into wrists.
can't move.
can't breathe.
doctors in white coats circle like vultures.
their faces blur.
shift.
become masks.
no.
not masks.
faces that smile when they hurt me.
"Subject 0663 is responding well to the neural inhibitors."
snap out of it.
not then.
now.
but the smells.
antiseptic.
chemicals.
same as the pain-place.
the lab.
exactly the same.
and the sounds…
machines beeping.
humming.
monitoring.
try to focus.
try to remember where I am.
palace.
Surhiira.
with Cosima.
heart slams against ribs.
she's here.
she's on the table.
the table.
terror spikes so sharp I can't breathe.
she's lying there like I did.
like they made me.
strapped down helpless while they—
no no no.
she chose this. she wanted this.
didn't she?
can't remember.
can't think.
too many voices overlapping.
present and past bleeding together.
can't fucking tell which is real anymore.
"We need to calibrate the inhibitors before we proceed."
"Hold him down. He's fighting again."
stop.
please stop.
pain.
searing through skull.
through spine.
screaming but sound won't come—
then Cosima's fear spikes through our soul bond.
the soul bond we always had.
clear.
sharp.
unmistakable.
not my fear bleeding over.
hers.
she's afraid.
actually afraid.
something is wrong.
something is going horribly wrongwrongwrong—
Azarel shouts behind me.
guards move.
trying to restrain him.
trying to keep him from her.
"Stop the procedure! You'll kill her! Stop it now!" he yells, thrashing, twisting, fighting to get to her.
the words slam into me.
kill her.
they're killing her.
NO!
a roar tears out of me.
one word.
first word.
only one that matters.
"COS… I… MA!"
claws slash.
guard screams.
goes down.
blood sprays white wall.
another guard charges.
metal arm catches him.
throws him into equipment.
crack of bone.
crunch of metal.
doesn't matter.
only she matters.
"Knight, stop! You're having a flashback!"
Geo's voice.
Geo is trying to grab me.
pack.
don't want to hurt pack.
but he's in way.
between me and Cosima.
between me and mate who's dying.
shove him aside.
harder than intended.
his knee buckles.
he staggers.
curses.
catches himself on equipment.
knocks it over.
Nikolai moves in my peripheral vision.
slash at him.
warning.
he dodges.
barely.
they don't understand.
none of them understand.
she's DYING.
they're fucking KILLING HER.
roar again.
try to make them hear.
try to explain.
but only have one fucking word.
"CO-SI-MA! CO-SI-MA!"
she doesn't answer.
can't answer.
sedative too strong.
but can feel her through bond.
fading.
no no no—
Azarel still fighting guards.
four of them now, holding him back.
he's screaming.
"Knight!" Azarel yells. "Stop the fucking machine!"
Azarel knows.
Azarel understands.
lunge toward machine.
toward table.
toward her.
have to stop this.
have to—
guard strikes at my face with baton.
hard.
my mask.
clatters across floor.
air hits exposed flesh.
cold.
wrong.
exposed.
can't be without mask.
not safe without mask.
they punish without mask.
hands fly up.
instinct.
hide my face before they see.
before punishment comes.
don't remember what I look like.
but when people see me, it hurts.
blood pours down my face.
forgot about the claws.
always forget.
not hands anymore.
not human anymore.
just weapon.
my claws tear my flesh.
pain explodes.
hot.
sharp.
blood pours from my claws.
thick.
blinding me.
stumble back.
vision blurring.
red everywhere.
catch movement in chrome equipment.
through all the blood.
something there.
a monster.
too close to Cosima.
I roar.
it roars.
I lunge.
attack the machine.
claws slash through chrome.
through equipment.
sparks fly.
machines die.
but the monster won't fucking die.
keeps staring back.
bleeding.
roaring.
Raven yells in fear.
"Knight, stop! You’ll hurt Cosima!”
Geo's voice joins his.
"It's just your reflection! That's YOU!"
me?
I freeze.
monster freezes.
no… worse than monster.
monsters are whole things.
this is... pieces.
pieces that shouldn't be alive.
patchwork skin.
unblinking blue eyes.
torn scarred eyelids.
side of nose torn.
grin full of sharp teeth.
exposed jaw muscle.
no lips.
no cheeks.
flesh torn.
shredded.
I’m not just a monster.
I'm… disgusting.
can't move.
can't breathe.
can't—
"No!" Raven screams.
why is he screaming?
my face?
me?
I—
something stabs my side.
electric spear.
shock explodes through body.
familiar.
too fucking familiar.
pain-place.
electricity.
punishment.
body locks.
conditioned response.
shock means freeze.
freeze or worse pain comes.
but fighting it.
have to fight.
Cosima needs me to fucking fight.
rip spear out.
throw it.
lunge forward.
claws connect with something.
someone screams.
guard.
throw him aside.
getting closer.
have to be closer.
where is she?
can't see.
too much blood.
wipe eyes again.
desperate.
more bleeding.
more wounds.
vision just red.
just blood.
shapes moving.
guards between me and her.
can't see how many.
another shock.
stronger.
legs buckle.
catch myself on equipment.
it crashes down.
brings more machines with it.
alarms shriek.
"Don't hurt him!" Raven pleading. "He's just afraid—"
Azarel snarls. "He's trying to save her! Listen to him!"
more guards pile on.
blood pours faster.
warm rivers down face.
into eyes.
can't see.
can't fucking SEE.
blood smears across vision.
everything red.
shapes blur.
spears again.
chest this time.
body seizes.
world whites out.
can't breathe.
stop fighting or worse comes.
fighting anyway.
thrashing.
guards becomes shadows.
can't tell where they are.
only know they're between me and her.
lash out at them.
too many.
all over me like ants.
pinning arms.
pinning legs.
more electricity.
more chains.
no no no—
something sharp pierces my neck.
Azarel's voice, raw from yelling.
"NO!" he roars.
Raven is crying.
sedative floods my veins.
pumping in through jugular.
keep thrashing.
keep fighting.
can't leave her.
can't—
vision already dimming.
not just blood now.
drugs too.
can't tell red from black.
can't see her anymore.
where is she?
reach out.
claws scrape floor.
everything slipping.
Nikolai snarls.
"Stab him again and I'll fucking gut you."
Geo's voice joins his. Almost a bark.
"He's pack. Back the fuck off."
a hand on my shoulder.
don't know whose.
don't care.
everything's fading.
try to say Cosima's name again.
try to call out to her.
try to tell her I'm still fighting.
comes out as broken growl.
broken like me.
I failed.
I failed her.