Cayden
FIFTY-TWO
“Where did those come from?” I glance at the flower bouquet sitting on the island as I walk in and drop my duffel bag on the floor.
Practice was brutal today, and I had forgotten I had interviews lined up about the prospect of winning the Vezina Trophy again this year.
I almost felt bad for the poor guy asking me questions. It’s not his fault the last twenty-four hours have been my own personal hell, and the last thing I wanted to do was sit down and pretend life is great.
All I want to do is spend time with my daughter before she goes to bed and pray I can actually sleep tonight without waking up in a sweat and reaching out for someone who isn’t there.
“Luna sent them to me. You would know if you would talk to her,” Mae quips, cutting up a potato with more force than necessary.
“We’re not talking about this again,” I warn in frustration.
Seeing the card next to the flowers, I read the note, and her familiar handwriting is like a punch to the gut.
Mae, I can’t imagine how hard yesterday was for you. I hope you have found some peace knowing you still have the best part of Jules with you every day in Scarlett. I thought these flowers might bring a smile to your face and remind you that even in loss, there is still beauty to be found.
P.S. If you could, please give Cayden a hug for me. I know he’s hurting right now, even though he won’t admit it. Maybe a hug will make him feel less alone.
Love, Luna
I set the card down and feel like I’ve just been sliced wide open.
Even when I push her away…even when I know my text from yesterday hurt her…
She still doesn’t give up on me…still puts her heart out there even when I don’t deserve it.
“You need to talk to her, Cayden,” Mae says quietly. “There’s been enough heartbreak in this house. Life’s too short not to smile every day.”
I stare at the card, my chest painfully beating against my rib cage. Not wanting to get into this while my daughter is still awake, I walk toward the living room where she’s watching TV.
“I’m going to read Scarlett a book before bed,” I say, hearing Mae sigh sadly behind me.
Putting all my focus on my daughter, I change her into her pj’s before combing her hair and helping her brush her teeth.
When she climbs into bed, I lie down beside her, my back propped up on her pink upholstered headboard.
“I want Luna to read tonight,” Scar says, stopping me in my tracks as I reach for her book.
My gaze lands on her nightstand, and I see the new picture that now sits next to the other one of Jules and me holding her as a newborn.
Reaching for it, I stare at the picture of the three of us at Scarlett’s birthday party. I’m holding Scar, and my other arm is wrapped around Luna. We’re all wearing big grins and look just like a happy family.
Luna surprised Scarlett by making her a photo album of all the pictures of her birthday party, and Scar insisted that we put this one by her bed.
I set the picture back and wrap my arm around my daughter as she snuggles against me, clutching Stormy to her chest. Her pink bracelet catches my eye on her little wrist. It was the one I bought the day we got ice cream with Luna.
It was one of the gifts I gave her on her birthday, and she hasn’t taken it off since.
The moon and two stars…
“Luna’s not here tonight, Scar. Is it okay if Daddy reads to you tonight?”
She nods her head, and I pick up her ballerina book that I know every word by heart because it’s the one she always wants to hear.
“Luna gone?” She whispers in a small voice.
My chest feels tight like a rubber band about to break at any minute.
“No, babygirl,” I finally manage to get out, not even sure myself what the answer is. “She’s just at her place tonight.”
She seems to accept my answer, so I start reading, the words flowing automatically as my mind is somewhere else…with someone else.
When she finally closes her eyes, I kiss the top of her head and untangle myself from her small body before tucking the covers around her.
“I love you, babygirl. All the way to the moon and stars,” I whisper.
“All the way to Luna and Mommy,” she says, sleepily. “Mommy sent us the moon.”
My whole body stills at her words.
A rush of warmth spreads through my body as I gaze at my daughter.
I’ve felt before that Jules would have picked someone like Luna for her daughter…for me, knowing I needed someone who could get past my barriers I had put up and still love and accept what they see.
Thunder rolls in the background as the patter of rain starts beating against the window. I walk over to the curtain and part it back as the wind thrashes the trees down below.
The sight of the storm brewing outside sends chills down my spine. Ever since that night I received that call, every storm leaves a frightening reminder of what can happen when Mother Nature gets out of hand.
Shutting the curtain, I turn on her nightlight, making sure the monitor is on in case the storm wakes her up, and head downstairs.
Mae is still in the kitchen finishing dinner when I walk in.
“I broke my promise,” I say, sinking onto the stool.
“What promise?” She asks, stirring the vegetable soup on the stove.
“I made a promise to Jules on the day she died that I would never forget her. That I would remember her every single day of my life until I take my last breath.”
Setting the spoon down, her eyes soften. “Oh, honey,” she sighs, walking over and sitting next to me. “You won’t ever forget her.”
“But I did,” I say, shaking my head.
We haven’t talked about yesterday. When I came home, I refused to say a single word. I knew if I started talking, I would break. I was ashamed to even face Mae. I had forgotten the day her granddaughter died. The one person who promised to always love her.
“Why didn’t you say something?” I ask, Mae, my heart breaking wide open. “I left that morning for practice with a smile on my face,” I choke out. “I was joking in the locker room seconds before Coach asked me what I was doing there.”
“You were happy, Cayden. For the first time, you weren’t wrapped up in grief or guilt on that day. It hurt me every year to see you blame yourself or feel guilty that you are the one who gets to watch Scarlett grow up.”
“How do you do it?” I ask, running a hand through my hair in frustration. “I don’t understand how you can look at me after I betrayed your granddaughter like that.”
“You didn’t betray her,” she smiles sadly. “You’re finally living again, and that’s exactly what Jules would want you to do.”
I stare out the window and see the storm getting worse. The loud crack of lightning seems to shake the building as the rain continues to rage against the glass.
Glancing at the monitor, I still see Scar sleeping through it all, oblivious to the chaos outside.
“She told me tonight that Mommy sent us the moon,” I say quietly.
“She did?” Mae asks, surprised, before a smile appears on her face.
“Yeah, she did,” I sigh, watching the lightning flash across the sky. “Is it really possible? Do you honestly believe that Jules had a hand in this…that she wouldn’t hate me for loving someone else?”
I say the words before I can stop them.
I know what I’ve been feeling.
But to say them out loud makes everything real.
What surprises me the most is how right it feels.
“Yes,” she laughs, wiping her eyes. “It’s not only possible, but it’s true.” She reaches in and hugs me, and my arms naturally wrap around her. “Jules would never hate you, Cayden, for finding love again. If anything, she would love you more.”
“I love you, Mae,” I say, breathing in her warm cinnamon scent that always has a way of making everything seem better.
“I love you too, honey.” She squeezes me tight before letting go.
Reaching over, she pushes my phone on the counter toward me.
“Now call your girl and beg her to forgive your stubborn ass. If I were you, I would start with the I love you part.”
Feeling like I can breathe for the first time in two days, I pick up my phone and find Luna’s contact before hitting call, not wanting to wait another second to hear her voice again.
I frown when it goes straight to voicemail.
I leave a message asking her to call me back before setting my phone down.
Thunder booms overhead, and I walk to the windows overlooking the city.
The streets, usually flooded with headlights at this hour, are now scarce, with only a couple of brave drivers out in this weather.
I watch the wind whip at the trees, and the streetlights swing on the wires as the fierce rain pushes through.
My heart starts to beat frantically in my chest as I walk over to my phone and try to call Luna again.
When it goes straight to voicemail, my stomach twists.
Luna always answers her phone even if she’s busy.
I try again and hear no ring as it sends me to her voicemail again.
Not being able to stand here and wait, I grab my keys off the counter.
“Are you okay alone with Scarlett if I leave for a few hours?”
“Of course,” Mae says, watching me pull on a hoodie and flipping up the hood. “Are you sure it’s safe to go out in this? Her phone’s probably just dead. She’ll call you once it charges.”
“If she were home or at the studio,” I say, throwing on my shoes, “she would’ve charged it. I have to make sure she’s okay in this storm.”
Panic rises in my body, but I shove it down as thoughts of that night three years ago resurface.
Luna’s okay.
She has to be.
“Please be careful driving,” Mae whispers, holding me tight. “I can’t lose you, too.”
“I’ll be careful. I’m not going anywhere,” I smile, trying to make Mae feel better even though I’m seconds from losing it on the inside.
I walk to the door and turn the handle.
“Cayden,” she calls out, causing me to turn. “Bring our girl back home safely.”
“I plan to.”
I leave without another glance, my heart in my throat as I take the stairs at a run, not even bothering to wait for the elevator doors.
I keep trying her phone, hoping she will answer, but it keeps going straight to voicemail.
Thoughts of Luna lying in a ditch somewhere flash through my mind, blurring the past and present together.