40
My new daily routine is wonderful. Liam drives me to the university every morning, and now that I don’t have to worry about paying tuition anymore, my mind is free to concentrate on my studies. He picks me up in the evenings, brings me home and we have mind-blowing sex. A wonderful and satisfying routine.
Johanna always comes in for the second class and sits down next to me looking vibrant and determined. During our breaks we sit on the lawn, share our meals, and chat about everything except her job. Occasionally she abandons me, goes to the restroom and comes out lively and energetic. I want to talk to her about the dangerous drug she’s using and about her problematic job, but now that I live off the black hole, I'm ashamed whenever I feel like I'm judging her and decide against confronting her. She always leaves at the same time. I don’t ask questions and she doesn’t volunteer any information.
I’m sitting in Professor Sawyer’s last class. He introduces the new professor and despite all the praise he showers on her, I feel terribly sad. I look around at the other students and notice they have the same expression as me. It bothers me. They can’t grieve like me. I feel like he’s my professor; it’s hard for me to share him with all the other students in the room.
Class ends and I remain in my seat. I watch him as he says goodbye sweetly to some female students who are crying. Finally, he puts his papers away in his briefcase and turns to leave. Then he notices me. His smile widens and instead of signaling me to come to the stage, he comes over and sits down next to me.
“I sent you several emails, but you didn’t reply to any of them,” he says, concerned.
“It’s hard for me to accept the fact that you’re leaving me,” I say honestly, avoiding his gaze.
“I’m not leaving you.” He leans back and looks at me. “I’m leaving the university. And I want to continue the research with you. If you answered my emails, I'd be able to explain to you that I’ve taken care of it.”
“While you’re in Los Angeles and I’m here?” I ask bitterly.
“Come see the university there,” he says, and I widen my eyes in surprise. “I checked, and I’m sure we can fit you in the honors roll courses there as well. There’s really nothing keeping you here.”
His words shock me. I can’t get a word out.
“I know it’s not an easy decision,” he says and stands up. “But think about it. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision eventually.”
He leaves the room and I remain seated, staring at the whiteboard. If only I could erase from my head the first night I went to the bar. But I can’t, and my heart is definitely keeping me here.
The black motorcycle is waiting for me in the parking lot. As soon as I see his tousled hair, my heart starts pounding wildly and I smile happily. I sit behind him and hold him tight all the way home.
As soon as we walk inside, he grabs my face, kisses me passionately and pulls my clothes off. It’s only an hour later, when we shower together, that I realize how disturbed he is.
“Is it a mess out there?” I ask as I dry off.
“I’d call it chaos,” he answers and rubs the back of his neck. I pull him back to bed, sit down on his back, pour oil on his shoulder blades and rub it in. He groans with pleasure.
“It’s a real battlefield out there. We’re getting hit and then we hit back…”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I say harshly and start rubbing his neck. “I’d rather not know anything about it. Your world will stay yours, and my world will stay mine.”
He doesn’t say anything, but I can feel his muscles stiffening. I continue massaging him for a long time. Finally, he turns around, hugs me and returns to the shower.
I go downstairs and look over my notes. He comes down several minutes later, takes his file, kisses me and walks toward the door. As he touches the handle, he turns his head to me.
“Elena, I understand you’re trying to separate our two worlds,” he says and opens the door. “But keep in mind that a man should be able to vent at home with his woman, and let out all the tension that builds up inside him.”
He leaves and I stare at the door. I know that he’s right, but nothing he can say will persuade me to get sucked back into that world again. I choose not to share what I am going through in my world, and he’ll have to deal with the fact that I refuse to be a part of his. His words burn my heart, but I decide to ignore them, and I turn to my studies instead.
The days pass and my routine remains the same. He doesn’t try to share anything with me again, and I convince myself that our intimacy is strong enough for him to accept me exactly as I am. He still looks troubled, and I do everything I can to comfort him between the sheets. Our conversations get shorter and our physical contact gets longer and deeper.
Johanna starts to miss our second class as well, and I cover for her as much as I can.
We’re sitting on the lawn, going over notes for our next exam.
“I missed you,” I put my paper down and smile at her.
“I missed you, too,” she nods and gets closer to me, laying her head on my shoulder.
“Sometimes I wish we could go back to the way we were before,” I say and sigh. “Our cute little apartment, when all we wanted to do was sit and study.”
“I don’t miss that so much.” She giggles. “Don’t get me wrong, I miss you in the apartment. Sometimes the silence there drives me crazy. But I'm having fun.” She sits up and leans against a tree trunk. “I have a job, I have many new friends and I finally feel that I have a real life, that I am really alive.”
“It's not a real life.” I shake my head. “Stripping and dancing in front of men for money. Getting addicted to hard drugs…”
“I am not addicted.” She answers angrily and I realize our conversation isn’t going where I wanted it to. But I can’t change its course now.
“You can’t function without that powder of yours, and you’re living off dirty money.”
“And what money are you living off?” she asks dryly. I close my eyes and shudder.
“I didn’t mean to offend you,” I say sadly. “I’m just worried about you.”
“I know,” she hugs my shoulder. “But you really don’t need to.”
“Why don’t we spend an evening together, just the two of us?” I beg and she shakes her head apologetically.
“I can’t take a night off. Especially not now that I’ve gone over to…” She falls silent and I look at her nervously. “Okay, I'll try to see what I can do.” She changes the subject and stands up. I want to ask her what she meant, but she blows me a kiss in the air and runs off to the exit.
I go back to the lecture hall and repress our conversation. When the last class is dismissed, I am impatient to meet my man in the parking lot. I run outside and the black motorcycle is there waiting for me.
“I’ve had an annoying day,” I say to him.
He glances around tensely. “Get on,” he orders harshly. He drives fast and when we enter the house, I throw my bag on the floor and pull him towards the stairs.
“Not now.” He says harshly and I look at him in disappointment. “Sit down,” he gestures towards the couch and I sit down, agitated. “Elena, you have to come to the bar tonight.” The sentence shoots out of his mouth and I look at him in shock.
“But we agreed that I don’t have to work there anymore, I don’t want to—”
“You’re not coming as a waitress,” he answers irritably. “You’re coming as the Duchess.”
“No!” I gasp. “I don’t want to play that role anymore. I don’t want to be part of that world.”
“You don’t have a choice,” he replies coldly. “After a long and difficult period, both sides are now willing to negotiate and put an end to this story.”
“I don’t want to hear. I don’t want to talk about it.” I clamp my hands over my ears.
Liam sits down next to me and moves my hands gently. His expression softens, and so does his voice. “Elena, I wouldn’t ask you to do this if it wasn’t important.” He puts my hand over his mouth and kisses it. “The Jews agreed to mediate. And to show our respect, the senior partners from both sides have to be there.”
“What’s that got to do with me?” I ask.
“You took over and claimed ownership.” He kisses my hand again. “In our world, you’re a senior partner in our organization now. There has to be a unanimous agreement by all the partners including you, otherwise we won’t be able to end this war tonight.”
I’m amazed by what I’ve just heard. I’m considered a senior partner in the organization? I feel dizzy and I tilt my head sideways pleadingly. “Liam, they can’t still believe that I’m really connected to this whole thing.”
He doesn’t answer, but pulls my hand and leads me to the dining room table. He turns on his computer screen and clicks on several links. Finally, he reaches a website that looks like another news site, except that the background is completely black.
“It’s not just another news site,” he says, as if he has just read my mind, and he smiles at me. I sit down on the chair and he stands behind me. “This is the Dark Net, remember?” he asks, massaging my shoulders.
“I know there are thousands of these networks, but I’ve never seen a site like this one.”
“Look away from the screen a minute,” Liam puts his hand on the mouse and I see that he is scrolling down quickly. “Now look. Look at this.” He clicks on a link and a new page opens with an article and a picture. It turns out that someone at the club took a picture of me on my first evening as the Duchess.
“Oh no,” I mumble and start reading the article. “Turn it off.” I say and move back in fear. “Why did they write all these terrible things about me? I never did that. It’s a lie.” I clutch my head in panic.
“Part of it is true,” he sounds amused.
“I’ll sue them.” I stand up and start pacing. “I’ll sue them, and they’ll have to take down all that horrible stuff before someone who knows me sees it.”
“It doesn’t work like that.” He comes closer and I move away. “You’ll never be able to find out who posted that information. And even if you do, I believe you realized by now that we don’t solve things in court.”
“It’s horrible!” I clutch my head again and collapse on the sofa.
“Will it make you feel better to know that there’s no chance that anyone who knows you will ever see it? It’s the Dark Net, don’t forget.”
I look at him suspiciously. “It doesn’t make me feel better.”
“Then will it make you feel better to know that my Duchess is admired and revered?” he sounds amused again and I raise my head and look at him threateningly.
“Everyone thinks that your Duchess is the head of a crime organization, a cruel sadist. And you don’t even care.”
“Of course I care. I’m very happy about it.” He laughs and I hit him with a pillow. “Well, the truth is I don’t care what people think about you.” He shrugs. “I know who I chose to live with, the other stuff doesn't really matter.”
His simple but romantic sentence doesn’t comfort me. “It’s horrible. Just horrible.” I mumble again and he pulls me into a hug.
“I promise I’ll never ask you to go back to the bar again, but tonight you need to do this for me.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“You can. You have to.” He groans, and when I see his troubled expression again, I close my eyes and nod.