SESSION 18
Dr. Kim waited until Noeul stopped turning the ring around his neck before speaking. “You’ve talked a lot about Gong hurting other people.”
Noeul’s fingers stilled. “Yes.”
“But not much about the first time he hurt you.”
Noeul looked away. For several seconds, he said nothing. Dr. Kim didn’t push.
Finally, Noeul exhaled. “I remember it. Of course I remember it.”
Dr. Kim leaned back slightly. “What happened?”
Noeul stared at the floor. “That afternoon was perfect.” A faint smile touched his lips. “Minho and Haneul came over to our place. We were playing video games, laughing… just being stupid. For a while, everything felt normal. Like we were ordinary kids spending a lazy afternoon together.”
The smile disappeared. “But perfect moments never lasted long with Gong.”
“I heard our bedroom door open,” Noeul continued. “Then his footsteps.”
“Did you know something was wrong before you saw him?”
“Yes.” The answer came immediately. “My stomach tightened. Gong had been having a hard time. He’d been shutting himself in his room more often than usual. So when I heard him coming toward us, I already knew.”
“Knew what?”
“That something was wrong.”
“Noeul,” Dr. Kim said gently, “that’s different from knowing what he was going to do.”
Noeul glanced at her. “I suppose.” He looked away again.
“When Gong appeared in the doorway, he looked at Minho first. Then Haneul. Then me.” Noeul swallowed. “There was something in his eyes.”
“What?”
“Suspicion. Anger. Maybe fear too.”
“Fear?”
“He thought everyone was leaving him.”
Dr. Kim nodded once.
“His jaw was clenched. His hands were already curled into fists.” Noeul gave a small shake of his head. “And I still smiled at him.”
“What did you say?”
“I asked if he wanted to play with us.” His voice softened as the memory returned. “I said, ‘Hey, Gong. We’re just playing for a bit. Do you want to join us?’”
“And?”
“He didn’t answer. He just kept looking at us.
” Noeul’s fingers tightened around the ring.
“Then he asked why I hadn’t told him they were coming.
” He let out a slow breath. “I told him I thought he was resting. That we didn’t want to bother him.
” His mouth twisted bitterly. “That was the wrong thing to say.”
“What happened?”
“He heard the word bother. And suddenly it became, ‘So I’m a bother now? Is that what I am to you?’”
Dr. Kim watched him carefully. “And what did you do?”
“What I always did.” Noeul gave a small shrug. “I tried to calm him down.”
“You were how old?”
Noeul hesitated. “Sixteen.”
“And you believed calming him down was your responsibility?”
Noeul frowned. “Someone had to.”
Dr. Kim didn’t respond.
“He started saying I didn’t want him there. That I wanted to be with Minho and Haneul instead.” Noeul rubbed both palms against his trousers. “He thought they were taking me away from him.”
“Had he said things like that before?”
“Yes.”
“But not this intensely?”
“No. Not like that.” He stared down at his hands. “I told him they were our friends. That we’d all been together since we were kids. Haneul and Minho were his friends too.”
“What did Gong say?”
“That they weren’t.” Noeul’s voice became quieter. “He shouted that they were trying to take me away from him. That I always chose them. That I didn’t care about him anymore.”
“And how did that make you feel?”
Noeul hesitated. “Guilty.”
Dr. Kim’s expression changed slightly. “Even then?”
“Yes.” Noeul looked surprised by the question. “He was my twin.”
“That doesn’t answer why you felt guilty.”
Noeul’s jaw tightened. “Because he believed I was abandoning him.”
“Were you?”
“No.”
“Then why did his belief become your guilt?”
Noeul looked away. “I don’t know.”
Dr. Kim let the silence remain.
Noeul continued before it became too uncomfortable. “I kept telling him I loved him. That nothing would change that. But he wasn’t listening anymore.”
“He became violent?”
Noeul nodded. “He pointed at Minho and Haneul and told them to get out. Then he hit them.”
“Haneul too?”
“Yes.” Noeul’s mouth tightened. “Blood came from his mouth. His cheek was red. Haneul still tried to talk to Gong.”
“What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Gong, please. It’s us. Your friends.’” Noeul paused. “That was Haneul.” A faint, painful smile crossed his face. “Still trying. Even while Gong was hurting him.”
“What did you do?”
“I told them to leave.” The answer came quickly. “I knew Gong wasn’t going to stop.”
“You stayed.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
Noeul looked at her as if the answer were obvious. “Because Gong was my brother.”
Dr. Kim waited.
“And?”
Noeul’s eyes narrowed slightly. “And someone needed to stay with him.”
Dr. Kim nodded slowly. “So Minho and Haneul left.”
“Yes. Haneul hesitated. He wanted to stay.”
“But you sent him away.”
“I had to.” Noeul swallowed. “When they were gone, Gong turned on me.” His fingers stopped moving.
“What did he say?”
“‘Why do you always choose them? Why never me?’” Noeul closed his eyes. “I told him I chose him. I said, ‘I’m here, aren’t I? I’m always here for you.’” He opened his eyes again. “That was true.”
“I told him no one could take his place. I asked him to calm down. To breathe. To talk to me.”
“For a moment, did you think it worked?”
“Yes.” Noeul nodded. “His expression changed. The anger disappeared for maybe a second.”
“And then?”
“It came back. He said I didn’t care about him. That I was just like everyone else.” Noeul laughed once, without humor. “I kept saying I cared.”
“Did he believe you?”
“No.” Noeul’s eyes dropped. “And then he hit me.”
Dr. Kim didn’t interrupt.
Noeul took a slow breath. “His hand came across my face. I remember more about the shock than the pain.” His fingers touched his cheek instinctively. “He had never hit me before.”
“Gong had been violent before.”
“Yes.”
“But not toward you.”
“Not toward family.” Noeul shook his head. “He could hurt people easily. He got into fights all the time. But he always had a line.” His voice weakened. “Or I thought he did.”
“What happened after the first blow?”
“He screamed that I was lying. Then he hit my shoulder. I crashed into the wall.” He swallowed. “Then he kept hitting me.”
Dr. Kim remained very still.
“I tried to cover myself. I kept saying, ‘Gong, stop. Please stop.’” Noeul’s eyes were fixed on the floor now. “He just kept saying the same thing.”
“What?”
“‘You don’t care about me.’ Again and again.” His throat tightened. “Every blow… ‘You don’t care.’” His eyes filled. “And the worst part was that he sounded hurt.”
Dr. Kim frowned slightly. “Why was that the worst part?”
“Because I still wanted to comfort him.” The confession came out before Noeul could stop it. He looked up. “Even after he hit me. He started crying, and I remember thinking that I should go to him.”
“To comfort the person who had just beaten you.”
“Yes.”
Dr. Kim’s tone remained neutral. “But you didn’t.”
“No. I knew it would make things worse.”
“So you left.”
“I ran to our bedroom. I collapsed onto the bed.” Noeul stared at his hands. “I couldn’t breathe properly. I was shaking. Then I cried.”
“What did you think?”
Noeul was silent for several seconds. “That Gong had hurt me.” His expression hardened. “And not just physically.” He rubbed his thumb across the ring again. “He was the person I had protected my entire life. My twin.”
“The person you believed would never cross that particular line.”
Noeul nodded. “He had crossed it.”
Dr. Kim leaned forward slightly. “And what changed after that day?”
Noeul looked at her. “What do you mean?”
“You said it was the first time.”
“Yes.”
“So what did you learn?”
Noeul frowned. “I learned that he could hurt me.”
“Anything else?”
Noeul thought for a long moment. His expression slowly changed. “I learned to watch him more carefully. I learned what words upset him. What expressions meant he was getting angry. When to send people away. When not to touch him.”
The room became very quiet.
“And what happened to your own feelings during all of that?” Dr. Kim asked.
Noeul didn’t answer.
“You became very good at monitoring Gong,” Dr. Kim continued gently. “But who was monitoring you?”
Noeul gave a short, bitter laugh. “No one.”
“Again.”
Noeul looked at her.
“You gave me the same answer when we talked about Haneul’s death.”
Noeul’s expression tightened.
“You were a teenager trying to predict another teenager’s moods, protect his friends from him, calm him, and protect yourself.”
“He was sick.”
“Yes.” The answer came without hesitation. “And?”
Noeul frowned. “And what?”
“Does his illness make what happened to you less real?”
Noeul immediately looked away. “No.”
“Does it make it acceptable?”
“No.”
“Does it mean you were responsible for preventing it?”
Noeul’s jaw tightened. “I could usually calm him.”
“That isn’t what I asked.”
Noeul closed his eyes. “No.”
Dr. Kim waited.
Noeul swallowed. “No. I wasn’t responsible.” The words sounded unfamiliar in his mouth.
Dr. Kim didn’t congratulate him. She simply nodded.
Noeul looked down at the ring around his neck. “He cried afterward.”
“I know.”
“And I still loved him.”
“I know.”
Noeul’s voice grew smaller. “Sometimes I think that’s the part I hate most about myself.”
Dr. Kim studied him. “That you loved your brother?”
“That I loved someone who hurt me.”
Dr. Kim was quiet for a moment. “Those are not mutually exclusive experiences.”
Noeul looked at her.
“Someone can hurt you and still be someone you love,” Dr. Kim continued. “That doesn’t make the harm love.”
Noeul went still.
“And loving the person who hurt you does not make you responsible for what they did.”
For several seconds, Noeul said nothing. Then his gaze dropped to the ring again. “That was only the beginning.” Noeul turned the ring once between his fingers. “The first of many.”
Dr. Kim nodded. “But it was the first time you learned something you carried for years.”
Noeul looked at her.
“That keeping Gong calm might be the price of keeping everyone safe.”
Noeul’s fingers tightened around the ring. He didn’t argue.