CHAPTER 67
That night, Noeul slept with a faint smile.
Three days later, everything was ready. He spent his final hours savoring the quiet routines of the apartment—the warmth of Mrs. Kang’s presence, Ji-Woo’s endless messages, the ease of being near Duri.
They had grown used to sharing a bed, though neither had crossed that last boundary. Noeul couldn’t. Not yet. And Duri never pushed.
That night, Noeul lay beside him, listening to his breathing. For a long time, he simply watched him sleep. Duri’s light brown hair had fallen across his forehead. Without thinking, Noeul reached out and carefully brushed it aside. His fingers lingered there.
How am I supposed to leave you?
But staying because he was afraid to lose Duri would make everything he had told him meaningless. He needed to know that one day, if he returned to those arms, it would be because he chose them, not because he needed someone to keep him alive.
Noeul’s gaze fell to the black hoodie Duri had thrown carelessly over the chair earlier that evening. He stared at it for several seconds. Then, almost guiltily, he slipped out of bed, picked it up, and pressed the fabric briefly against his face. It smelled like him.
Noeul folded it and placed it inside his bag. “You can complain when I give it back,” he whispered.
Nearly an hour later, Noeul sat up again. His bag waited in the wardrobe. Fresh clothes. Passport. ID. Everything prepared. His hands shook as he dressed, each movement deliberate and restrained.
Before leaving the bedroom, he stopped beside the bed. Duri was still sleeping. Noeul looked at him for a long moment, memorizing the face he already knew by heart. Then he bent down and pressed his lips gently against Duri’s forehead.
“Danke, Duri,” he whispered. “For everything.”
He straightened before the temptation to stay became stronger than his determination to leave. When he opened the bedroom door and stepped into the hallway, his heart pounded loudly enough to drown out his thoughts. He was almost at the elevator when Duri’s voice stopped him.
“Were you really going to leave without saying goodbye?”
Noeul froze. Duri’s voice was unfamiliar, tight with anger and edged with hurt.
“After everything I did for you, you were just going to disappear while I slept?”
The moment the words left his mouth, Duri fell silent.
“No.” His voice was quieter when he spoke again. “That was wrong.” He took a step back. “You don’t owe me your life because I helped you keep it.”
Slowly, Noeul turned.
Duri stood there, fists clenched, his chest rising and falling as if he were holding himself together by force alone.
“Please,” Noeul said softly. “Pretend you’re asleep. I need to go. I need to leave everything behind and heal.”
“You’re leaving Ji-Woo?”
Noeul shook his head.
“Does he know?”
“No. He would try to stop me.”
“And you think I won’t?”
Duri stepped closer, then stopped. The sight of Noeul’s trembling hands was enough. His anger weakened.
“You’re leaving me?”
“No,” Noeul said quickly. “Never.” He swallowed. “But I can’t give you what you want. Not like this. I don’t want to wake up every morning wondering whether I love you or whether I just need you because you saved me.”
Duri said nothing.
“I want to know the difference,” Noeul continued. “I need to know who I am when nobody is protecting me or telling me who I’m supposed to be.” He swallowed. “I just want to be Noeul for a while.”
“I don’t know how long it will take,” Noeul admitted. “I don’t know who I’ll be when I’m done.” His voice faltered, but he forced himself to continue. “If you meet someone…”
Duri cut him off. He stepped closer and brushed his thumb beneath Noeul’s eyes, catching a tear before it could fall. “You’re such a crybaby.”
Noeul gave a broken laugh.
“I don’t want promises you can’t keep,” Duri said quietly. “And I’m not going to promise I’ll spend my entire life standing in the same place waiting for you either.”
Noeul’s face fell, but Duri continued.
“Because that would make you leave carrying another burden.” His hand remained against Noeul’s cheek. “So go.”
Noeul stared at him.
“Go wherever you need to go. See whatever you need to see. Find out who Jung Noeul is when none of us are standing around telling you.” A faint smile touched Duri’s lips. “And if one day you decide you want me…”
His green eyes held Noeul’s.
“Come find me.”
Noeul’s tears finally spilled.
“If I ever get the chance to be with you, I want you to come back because you want me. That’s all.”
Noeul lowered his gaze. “Then you have to let me go.”
Duri exhaled, sharp and shaky. “I know.”
Noeul stared at him.
Duri held out his hand. “Let me take you to the airport.”
Noeul looked at that hand for several seconds before placing his own inside it. “Okay.”
The city stretched past them in streaks of light as Duri’s SUV cut through the night. Noeul fidgeted in the passenger seat, his leg bouncing uncontrollably.
“So,” Duri said eventually, forcing brightness into his voice. “Where to first?”
“Japan,” Noeul replied. “Tokyo. Mount Fuji. Onsen.” His eyes softened. “I’m not just looking for a place. I’m looking for peace.”
“That’s a good choice,” Duri said. “Some of my best memories are there.” After a pause, he added, “And after that?”
Noeul looked through the window at the city disappearing behind them. “I want to travel.”
“Where?”
“I don’t know yet.” A small smile appeared. “Wherever I feel like going.”
“Shouldn’t you tell your family first?”
“I should,” Noeul admitted. “But if my mom cries, I won’t leave.”
“And Ji-Woo is going to kill us both.”
Noeul grimaced. “I know.”
“You’re the one telling him.”
“Of course.”
“I’m not taking responsibility for this.”
“Coward.”
Duri laughed.
“How long?” he asked after a while.
Noeul’s smile faded. “I don’t know.”
“Weeks?”
“I don’t know.”
“Months?”
Noeul turned toward him. “Duri.”
“Fine.”
Silence settled between them again. Then Duri laughed, the sound dry and quiet. “You’re terrible at goodbyes, hyung.”
“Coming from the guy auditioning for a melodrama?”
This time, Duri laughed for real. Noeul watched him. He wanted to remember that sound.
By the time they reached the airport, neither of them had much left to say. Duri helped him with his luggage and walked beside him until they reached the point where he could go no farther. Then they stopped.
Around them, people hurried toward departures. Suitcases rolled over polished floors. Announcements echoed overhead. Families embraced. Couples kissed goodbye.
Noeul looked at Duri. Suddenly, leaving became real.
Duri shoved his hands into his pockets. “Well.”
“Well,” Noeul repeated.
“You have your passport?”
“Yes.”
“Phone?”
“Yes.”
“Medication?”
“Yes, Duri.”
“Wallet?”
Noeul almost laughed. “Are you my boyfriend or my mother?”
Noeul realized what he had said. Neither corrected it.
Duri looked away first. “Message me when you land.”
“I will.”
“And if something happens…”
“I’ll call.”
“Even if it’s three in the morning.”
“I know.”
Duri nodded. Neither moved.
Noeul’s chest tightened. There were so many things he wanted to say. I love you seemed too frightening. Wait for me seemed too selfish. So he stepped forward instead.
Duri’s eyes widened when Noeul lifted both hands to his face. Noeul looked at him for a moment, then leaned forward and pressed a slow, gentle kiss to Duri’s forehead.
Duri went completely still. Noeul remained there for another second, his forehead resting against his.
“Thank you for loving me when I couldn’t love myself,” he whispered.
Duri closed his eyes. “Hyung…”
“I don’t know what happens after this,” Noeul continued. “And I won’t ask you to wait for me.” He pulled back enough to look into Duri’s eyes. “But I want you to know something.”
His fingers trembled against Duri’s cheeks.
“I’m not leaving because I don’t love you.”
Duri’s breath caught. Noeul smiled through his tears.
“I think I’m leaving because I do.”
Duri pulled Noeul into his arms. Noeul held him just as tightly.
When they finally separated, Noeul picked up his bag. He took several steps toward security before turning around. Duri was still there.
Noeul lifted his hand. Duri lifted his.
Then Noeul turned away. Every step hurt. But he kept walking.