Noeul Jung Havana, Cuba
Noeul Jung
Havana, Cuba
December
Woo, oraenmaniya,
This is my first letter to you.
I know we talk regularly, so maybe writing feels unnecessary. But there are things I can’t seem to say when I hear your voice. Maybe because you’ll tease me. Maybe because I’ll hear you get emotional and lose my courage.
So, for once, you have to read everything your hyung wants to say without interrupting.
I miss you.
More than I know how to say.
I hope you’re reading this after a long day at school, surrounded by classmates and noise and life.
I hope your room is messy because you’ve been too busy drawing.
I hope you’re eating properly. And I hope you’re not staying awake until three in the morning playing games and then blaming your teachers when you can’t keep your eyes open in class.
Yes, I’m still your annoying older brother, even from the other side of the world.
I’m in Cuba now. The sunsets here are extraordinary, deep purples and burning oranges stretching across the sky. Everything feels vivid. Alive. Sometimes I sit outside and watch the sky change until there’s almost no light left.
I think you would love the colors.
There’s something I need to tell you, even though I’ve tried to explain it before.
I’m sorry.
There were times when I pulled away from you, when I disappeared into myself and left you wondering whether your own brother still wanted you in his life.
I know that hurt you.
I knew you needed me. I knew you were waiting for me to answer your calls, open the door, come back to you.
But desperation covered everything inside me. Depression narrowed the world until nothing existed beyond fear and guilt.
And underneath all of that was another fear I rarely admitted aloud.
Gong.
I was terrified of becoming him.
And you were too precious to risk.
So I did the only thing I thought could protect you.
I stayed away.
But please believe me when I tell you this: it was never because I stopped loving you.
Never.
Some nights, thinking of you was the only thing that kept the room quiet.
I would remember you as a little boy following me everywhere.
You stealing food from my plate even though yours had exactly the same thing.
You asking me to look at another drawing when you had already shown me twenty.
You falling asleep beside me while I studied.
You getting angry whenever I treated you like a child, then coming to me five minutes later because you needed something.
You were never a burden to me, Woo.
You were one of the reasons I survived.
So, I need you to do something for me.
Live your life.
Please.
Don’t count the months until I come home. Don’t worry every time I don’t answer immediately. Don’t make your happiness dependent on whether your hyung is having a good day or a bad one.
Go to university. Paint. Fall in love. Make friends. Travel. Make stupid decisions sometimes, although preferably not too stupid, because I’m still allowed to lecture you.
Be eighteen. Be young.
I still need time away, but I will come home, Woo. I just don’t know when yet.
Do you remember that new PS5 game we talked about?
Don’t you dare finish it without me.
We’ll play it together when I come home. Just like we used to.
Saranghae, Woo.
More than I have ever been good at saying.
Jal jinae.
Your hyung,
Noeul
P.S. I want you to have this painting.
Tell me what you see in it when I come home.