Chapter 1
CHAPTER ONE
RAMONA
O ne of the many therapists I’d seen recently suggested making a running list to turn to when shit got dark.
I was no longer in as much of a dull fog as I’d once been and found myself taking note of the things that gave me that bright feeling, even if I never wrote them down. Now, I swept the back of my hand across my brow and waved back at a grinning Dahlia. She tottered toward a makeshift kitchen set on the other side of the room while Ollie was already sitting and playing with a group of babies his age.
Number Seven.
Wrangling them both into the car then into their Montessori school was both harder and easier than I’d thought it would be. Harder because the newness of my presence was already wearing off, and my brother’s children weren’t just excited to see me anymore. Ollie had cried when Sylvie handed him to me this morning, and Dahlia had pouted and whined when she realized that she wouldn’t be staying at home with Sylvie and I. But we’d made it. I’d buckled them into their car seats, drove my brother’s SUV all the way to their school, and gotten them into the building without losing one of them or any serious injury. I could imagine myself doing this for a while .
“Hey! Ramona, right?” A deep, friendly voice shoved the darkening clouds threatening my mind. I blinked and looked up at the man—male—grinning down at me. His honey blond hair was a little mussed, and his tan skin was smooth and lightly freckled. The faint hint of wildness entwined with the more bland human scent was enough to highlight his shifter heritage. His nostrils flared a little as he took an inhale, his shoulders relaxing on the exhale.
Mine did the same. “Um, yeah. Why?”
He pursed his lips and turned back around to where the kids were playing. The male’s broad shoulders somehow looked soft and warm beneath the rugby-style shirt. When he looked back at me, he seemed a little more uncertain, but his friendly demeanor didn’t fall. He waved a hand toward Dahlia who was now leading some other children in cooking some make-believe dish. “I’m a student teacher for the older kids, but Sylvie mentioned you’d be here to drop off Dahlia and Ollie today.”
I looked him up and down, noticing the way he nervously swept his palms over his slacks. When I met his eyes again, the first non-shifter Wolf I’d ever really spoken to, I felt my body take notice of the large, sculpted muscles that blended with the delicate kindness that radiated from his face.
Exacerbated by the gray muck of the past few years, I hadn’t felt even a nudge of attraction for another person in years, and since I’d been in Antler Pointe, I’d been too preoccupied with making the most of this… new life. At least to pay attention to anyone that wasn’t my family.
Ordinarily, I’d balk from the overly-familiar way this male spoke to me, but I forced myself to stay facing him and soften my tone. “Okay. Did you want to talk about something or…?”
He lightly smacked himself on the side of his head, and I had to admit that the gesture was… cute. “I’m being so weird,” he muttered to himself, and I tensed in anticipation. His large palm stuck out stiffly toward me, “My name’s Delaney.”
Nervousness was pouring off of him, enough that even I could smell it, faintly bitter. But when I fit my much smaller hand in his, it cleared almost immediately, and a giant puppy dog smile spread across his face. Good god, the guy even had dimples. “Nice to meet you. Uh, is there something I can help you with?”
Delaney dropped my hand and nodded excitedly. He lightly grasped my arm and pulled me further away from everyone else milling about, starting their day at school or dropping their children off. Normally, I’d struggle or rip a stranger’s hand off of me, but he seemed nice.
His wide eyes and long lashes blinked, and I found myself leaning in. He kept his voice low, “Sylvie said that you’d be there tonight.”
I released a breath after his meaning seeped through my frazzled thoughts. “Y-yeah. Are you a member?”
A noticeable blush colored Delaney’s cheeks, and he nibbled at his bottom lip. “Not yet. But I want to be. Are you?”
I shook my head. “No. This will be my first meeting. If you know Sylvie, you know who my brother is, then.”
Somehow, Delaney’s eyes got even wider. He nodded gravely, like it was some terrifying honor to be sister of the Pack Leader. “I-is it okay if I sit with you? During the meeting?”
My brows nearly rose to my hairline as I took in this large male—I honestly wouldn’t have been surprised if he was a football player or something—who was staring back at me like a scared kid on their first day of school.
The Antler Pointe Pack was a group of shifters, mostly Wolves, and their mates that resided on this stretch of land. I wasn’t too familiar with pack customs, but I knew the basics from what I’d gathered being around my brother. Especially these past weeks after moving in with his family.
They met every other week, with one full moon run each month. At their last meeting, O had put it up to a vote for the pack to allow me to attend their meetings, which I hadn’t asked him to do but was silently grateful for. The two meetings I’d had to sit out involved me and an empty house. A year ago, that would’ve been welcome. Amazing even.
Now… I was getting better, but I didn’t completely trust myself.
“Sure, I guess. If you want.”
Big, solid arms brought me in, and I found my cheek smushed into Delaney’s chest. Orange and vanilla, his scent wrapped around my stiff body as I tried to figure out whether to return the embrace or wriggle out of it.
During my deliberation, he dropped his arms and grabbed his cheeks that were red again. “Oh god, I’m sorry. I’m just so relieved to know someone that’s going. I’ve been worrying about it since Sylvie gave me the news.”
My skin didn’t feel like it was crawling with ants, and his wide, remorseful stare was apology enough. “S’okay.”
Delaney glanced over my shoulder, back to where all the children were congregating for the start of their day, and nodded decisively to himself. When he looked back at me, he gave me a soft smirk. “Awesome. Thanks, Ramona. I’ll see you tonight.” Then, his lips twisted, “Um… can I hug you again?”
My lashes fluttered in surprise, and when his shoulders fell a little, I found myself nodding woodenly. I wasn’t going to just kick the large puppy when he was already vibrating with nerves.
This time, I wasn’t squished. Just held for a moment that made me feel so calm and full, my own arms wrapped around his back to return the embrace. He was like the morning rays of summer sunshine.
We mutually untwined our arms, and with a last dopey smile at me, Delaney said goodbye. My gaze followed his retreating form that went to start his day, and my chest and belly felt warm, like after eating a favorite meal from my childhood.
Number Eight.
All the way to the car, I pondered the exchange. There was certainly something nice about the body contact— Am I touch starved ? Was it possible to be when I now had little Wolf pups climbing on me more often than not?
The leather seats of the car burned the backs of my thighs, and I rolled the windows down as I pulled out of the Montessori school. My brother was at work, my sister-in-law gone to a coffee shop to work on her new book, so what was there for me to do?
After grabbing my own coffee and saluting a typing-away Sylvie, I stopped by the pharmacy to pick up one of my prescriptions I had sent here when I moved into my brother’s home. After that, there was nothing else to do but go home. I knew no one else in town, didn’t have anyone worthwhile to get to know.
A blue-stained tongue flitted through my mind, but the image was watery, seen through two panes of glass as we drove away the first night I arrived. Much clearer, though, was his scent. Clove and chiles. Humid nights and spice to roll around in, to revel and be loose in.
I refused to just walk around town until I caught a whiff of it. Even when I caught traces, stating that he was still somewhere , what the hell was I going to say if we collided? He’d said no words to me, just done his job, and we’d left.
No , I reasoned with myself, I need to concentrate on being here, helping my brother’s family, and just—moving .
I pulled into my brother’s preferred spot in front of the cabin and cut the car off. The sun was fully bearing down, now, with no clouds to shield me from its burning. My skin was slick beneath my hoodie, and it only barely started cooling when I walked into the icebox that was Orion and Sylvie’s home. The scent of it rang strongly of them and their children, and temporarily swirling with… me. It was easy to point out, the thing that only barely belonged, but I was grateful to have a space that was warm .
Typically, I posted up on the couch with a book or the TV turned to whatever that could hold my attention. The garden out back was Sylvie’s domain, with me only her bumbling assistant, so I didn’t dare touch it while she was away. My brother’s work shed beside it was locked when he wasn’t around, and I knew fuck all about carpentry or woodworking.
There were enough books to keep me occupied for a century or two, but, somehow, it felt like I’d already made it through half of them. I wandered the house aimlessly, feeling the smooth wood, cold tile, and soft rugs beneath my bare feet. Picked up stray toys when I encountered them then returned to my march to keep moving.
They said idle hands are the devil’s playthings, and when I crossed through the kitchen again, I felt dark, self-serving desires take hold. I knew where everything was, now, and it would be so easy. With no one home and my quick healing, no one would have to?—
I ran out of the house, into the blazing summer heat that felt far too early for May. I let the soles of my feet burn on the patio, my bare legs be slapped and marked by the sun. And when my phone started ringing in my back pocket, only to be an incoming call from my mother , I flung my phone away from me. It landed with a soft thud, in the grass somewhere, but there was no way I could handle her, no way I could not reveal where I was or that I’d left everything. And then she would guilt and shame and pull it out of me what I’d done, what I’d tried to do. Then she’d be unbelieving at the same time as trying to drag me back, and it would suffocate me. I could feel it plugging my throat now, going into my lungs, and, and?—
My fingers scrabbled at the neckline of my hoodie while my legs carried me to the shimmering water just some feet away. Running, now, I pulled it over my head, felt the phantom-tender scrape against my forearms. At the edge of the lake, I flung down my sweatshirt and unbuttoned my shorts, jumping out of them, uncaring, just needing to feel something, to get the dark haze off.
The water wasn’t cold, but it was far cooler than the air around me. I kicked up a raucous splash, naked and barely conscious in my panic. With desperate mental hands, I tried my best to pull up my list. The soft lake floor squelched between my toes, usually a wholly unpleasant sensation but now something to cling onto. I went and went until only my head was above water.
“O-one,” I recited once it finally, finally became tangible, “The first sip of coffee in the morning. For the taste and ritual of it.”
I released my feet from the bottom of the lake, moved my arms until I was floating on my back. I let my front bake under the sun and fought for another breath.
“Two,” I said with a hoarse, tear-filled whisper. “A pile of soft blankets and pillows after a hot shower. Three, being called ‘Mona’.”
I filled my lungs to their capacity, emptied them till there was nothing left. Imagining a square and following the borders with each draw. “Four. Being ‘Auntie Mona’.” That one elicited a tear that became the water of the lake, accepting and holding my secrets and weakness.
Stuttering and bobbing with the tranquil water, I felt the urge I almost succumbed to shrink and fall back. For now. “Eight. A…” my lip trembled, so I puckered my lips to force the next exhale, “a hug from a stranger.”
I was past the point of judging myself for how pathetic it sounded, just let my confession get carried into the leaves hanging above and started again. I recited it like a chant, a prayer, while the world turned and shifted and moved around me. Fish swam below, the birds flew above, and I waited until I felt all the bends of water around my skin. The drops seeping across my scalp and up the sides of my neck.
It could’ve been minutes. Could’ve been hours, but when I finally emerged with my list tucked away again, I retrieved my clothes with pruny but steady hands. I refused to look anywhere else, bear witness to other parts of me, lest having to dive into the water again to shock my system.
I reluctantly took up my phone after reminding myself that my brother and sister-in-law also couldn’t get in contact with me if I left it in the yard. And the girlish hope that… Dad might call, too.
My shower was long, scalding, and after fully enacting Number Two, I indeed lay down on the guest bed with one of Sylvie’s books in hand. Darkness that wasn’t mine was welcome, and I reread the story of female rage and gore while I kept myself bound in softness and calm.