38. Can you choke on your own heart?
Chapter 38
Can you choke on your own heart?
Luca
“ G od, how do you do this every day?” Parker asks, huffing and puffing on a bench and dripping sweat fucking everywhere.
I throw another towel at him. The first one is in a wet pile on the floor. “How do you eat ramen every day?”
He wipes his face. “Thanks. And I don’t eat ramen every day.”
“The noodle cup things count, dude.”
“Okay, fine. I eat ramen every day.”
“At least those have veggies in them.”
His lopsided grin is kinda goofy looking. But so are his purple and green striped gym shorts. “Yeah, and that’s why the girls never steal them like they do the other ones. Well, Lil does if she’s high and there’s no other ramen options, but she picks all the veggies out.”
“Seriously?”
He laughs and wraps the towel around the back of his neck. “It’s funny shit. Lil picks them out, and Ari makes stuff out of them. Faces, dicks, words…” His smile fades slightly, and he leans back against the wall. “Huh…”
“What?” I grunt.
“Your face went from marginally amused to incredibly irritated.”
I take a drink from my water bottle and try to flatten my expression, but jealousy is more in control than anything else at the moment. “I’m fine.”
“Very convincing.” He nods, smirking. “You’re absolutely not giving off possessive vibes right now.”
I flip him off, and he cackles. I’ve never known a guy who laughs as much as Parker does.
“I’m protective, not possessive.” Am I, though? The amount of times I think of Ariana as mine a day is… well, it’s a lot.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, you’re both. Wear that red flag like a cape, my friend. If she had a problem with it, you would know. She’d say something or do something. Maybe hand you your own balls.” He tilts his head thoughtfully.
“I don’t doubt it.” My girl is fierce.
Fuck. Did it again.
He stands and tosses both towels in the hamper. “You got time to come look over some more shit?” There’s no proof the attack behind the theater wasn’t random, but Parker and I aren’t convinced.
“Yeah. We probably have at least an hour before Ariana even crawls out of bed.”
“You get the goofiest grin on your face when you talk about her. Or think about her. It’s cute.” He claps me on the back and heads for the bathroom, where he usually takes a shower after our workouts. “She gets that same goofy grin about you.”
A few hours later, I’m almost wondering if Ariana actually hates my guts. Almost. She and Lil drag me all over the goddamn mall or whatever the fuck this place is. A shopping center on an indoor river? Jesus. Fucking. Christ. They spend thirty minutes smelling candles while drinking iced coffees. Another thirty minutes is spent smelling body washes and sprays and lotions. They leave each store with at least one big bag full of stuff.
I spend an hour averting my eyes while they shop for bras, panties, and little lacy things, and I honestly have no idea what the fuck is in the four bags they saunter out with because if I focused for even a second on Ariana in that fucking store I was going to get thrown out of the place for having a raging hard on. Then they move on to shoes. Not just shoes, but stilettos. Ariana looks over her shoulder at me, a bratty but promising smile on her face. Fucking minx. There’s no way she’s not doing this shit on purpose.
It takes every ounce of willpower I possess to keep my dick in check all day long. It’s hard enough to keep my focus on our surroundings instead of in my pants under normal circumstances. Throw in lingerie and heels, and it’s game over.
I can’t even relax when we step outside. Something feels off. Tourists are everywhere. Everyone has their phones out, taking pictures. I don’t like it. But as much as I would love it if Ariana stayed home where she’s safe, she’s got a wild spirit. I love that about her, but it scares the fuck out of me.
Blinking in the darkness, I stay silent as I try to identify what woke me but hear nothing. I grab my phone and groan when I see it’s after two in the morning. The water bottle on my nightstand is empty, so I roll out of bed and head down to the kitchen.
I hear Ariana a split second before I see her. “Fuck, it’s cold in here.”
“You probably wouldn’t be so cold if you were wearing pants,” Lil sing-songs.
Shit, if only she had said that five seconds sooner… But no, I just had to turn the corner at that moment and see that Ariana is, in fact, not wearing pants, and her boy short panties are cut high enough that they show the perfectness that is the bottom of her plump ass cheeks. I held those ass cheeks in my hands just over twenty-four hours ago and was hoping to do so again tonight, but we never got enough time alone to do more than share a quick kiss.
She shrugs and says, “I sort of forgot pants exist for a minute. You know the thought of frozen pizza makes me lose all focus.”
“That’s true of a lot of things.”
I bite back a chuckle, then groan as Ariana bends over to put a frozen pizza in one of the ovens. There’s four ovens. Couldn’t she have used a higher one?
Intending to return to my room, I back up around the corner but freeze when I hear Lil ask, “Same nightmare?”
Ariana sighs. “Same nightmare.”
“Sometimes I’m surprised you never have any other bad dreams. Like the shed or sniper stuff.”
“That shit doesn’t haunt me, Lil. Nothing else haunts me. Only that one night, that one memory that my fucking brain decides to relive sometimes while I’m asleep and at my most vulnerable.” Ariana pauses and takes a deep breath. “The pain, the fear… it all comes back. And while that trauma therapy helped, it can’t make the nightmares go away completely. I’m supposed to be thankful they only come around once in a while. And I am, I really am, because I remember when they happened every fucking night, and you all had to take turns sitting up holding me while I cried for months.”
My heart clenches, and I barely contain the anguished groan that tries to leave my mouth. I lean against the wall, my head tilted back, and look up at the ceiling, but I’m not seeing it through the mist that covers my eyes.
“But I would be a lot more thankful if I never had to relive that night again.” Her tone is sad. Bitter.
“I would be, too, Ari,” Lil says softly. By the soft shuffling sounds they make, I’m pretty sure they’re hugging. And while I’m ridiculously jealous because I’m not the one hugging Ariana, I’m glad someone is. Glad she has Lil.
They’re both silent for a minute before Lil asks, “Do you think Dad’s told Luca about it yet?”
“You mean about the second worst night of my life? No, probably not. Luca doesn’t look at me like I’m broken yet.” Ariana’s voice turns weary.
“He’s not going to look at you like… Wait, what the hell do you mean, the second worst night?”
“Well, it had the top spot until you made me watch that terrible superhero movie. Anything with both Batman and Superman should be good. That thing that was not good.”
Lil chuckles. “Only you could get me to laugh in the middle of this fucking heavy-ass conversation.”
I think I’m having a heart attack. What the fuck are they talking about? I clench my hands into fists, fighting the urge to rub one on my chest .
“It’s one of my best skills. Like catching grapes in my mouth. And I really hated that movie. Even Henry Cavill couldn’t save that fucking train wreck.”
“But really, Luca should probably know, for safety reasons, if he doesn’t already,” Lil says. “And I don’t think he’ll look at you like you’re broken.”
“Dad can hardly talk about it, Lil. He probably hasn’t mentioned it.”
“It was a hard night for him. It was a hard night for all of us.” Lil sighs, “But Dad… I mean, he hardly let you out of his sight for a whole year. And I’m honestly surprised we’re allowed to do half the shit they know about, let alone get away with the shit they don’t know about.” Ariana snorts a laugh, but I can’t enjoy the adorable noise this time because I’m silently dying in the hallway. What the fuck happened to my girl? And why hasn’t Marco told me about it if she’s in some kind of danger?
“But even if Luca doesn’t know about it, he’s not going to let anything happen to you. That boy, he’s done for, over the moon for you.”
“Lil—”
“And don’t pretend like you don’t feel the same way about him. When he’s around, your eyes light up like it’s Christmas morning, and there’s a million caramel macchiatos, peppermint white mochas, and pumpkin spice lattes under the tree. You should tell him how you feel.”
“I can’t, Lil,” Ariana whispers.
“And why the fuck not?” Lil asks, clearly upset with her best friend.
“Because he doesn’t deserve to be saddled with my bullshit.”
“It’s not bullshit, Ari. It’s trauma. It’s your personal history, and yeah, there’s a lot of dark in it. It’s… it’s fucked up. But it’s not all you are.”
“It’s drama. It’s baggage. It’s scars and fucking screaming in the middle of the night. It’s me not being able to sleep alone. I come with a lot of bullshit.” I almost rush into the kitchen to take her into my arms, but I don’t. It’s not the right time.
I really shouldn’t be listening.
I can’t make myself walk away.
“You better not be referring to me as bullshit, by the way, because you know I go wherever you go. For life. Ride or die, best friends forever, sisters of the heart, platonic soulmates, and all that jazz.”
“You’re not bullshit, Lil. You’re the main reason I haven’t gone completely crazy. You and Mom and Dad and Becca and Ford, you all took me in and gave me a home and a family when you didn’t have to, and you’ve been there for me ever since, even through the worst kinds of shit.”
“You’ve been there for us, too. You’re the reason I’ve gotten out of so many bad situations over the years because you’re a little badass fighter babe. You’re also the reason I’ve gotten into a lot of trouble over the years.” They both laugh softly. “But we’ve always wondered if we would find people who would just… get us. Who would fold into our weird mix and just roll with it. And as much as it pains me to say this because he’s my cousin, and I’ll always think of him as that little asshole who pushed me in the lake when I was ten, I think he’s your person. And you’re his.”
“ You’re my person, Lil.”
“Maybe you can have more than one person, Ari.” Lil takes a deep breath. “Even with his whole ‘eat better, drink less caffeine, stop drinking yourself stupid’ stuff, at the end of the day, Luca accepts you for who you are. And you accept him for who he is, even though he drinks black coffee and grumbles more than he actually talks.”
“Hey, I like his grumbles.”
“Well, you’re weird. You know, it’s a good thing Parker went home earlier. Luca would have to kill him if he came in here right now and saw your booty hanging out of those panties.”
“And just how do you know Parker went home tonight?” Ariana teases.
“Oh, shut up. I just happened to see him leave.”
“Right. Sure. Also, you suck. Why did you have to go and say pumpkin spice latte in June?” Ariana groans as I silently sneak away with my heart in my throat.