14. Benjamin
Slowly, I knock on Anderson’s door. It’s…
weird. I don’t have an issue with mental health services per se.
I just never imagined I’d need them. I’m honest enough with myself to admit that I do, that I should’ve sought it sooner, especially when Sandro offered it to me after Jax, and when Ignacio tried to break my shell.
But… Hell, I don’t know if I’d be knocking on Anderson’s door if it weren’t for Lio, Tennant, and a very grumpy Javi offering me everything from encouragement to a lecture, to what almost seemed like a threat from Javi.
Although it was hard to take him seriously with his unique outfit.
I didn’t even offer him makeup on top of what he was wearing.
“Come in!” Anderson’s bright voice calls, and with a deep breath, I open the door and walk in.
I close it quickly behind me, unsure why it feels like I just sealed myself into a tomb, but it fucking does, and I don’t like it.
I should have taken Lio up on his offer to be here with me.
But I’m still being so fucking stubborn, and I don’t even understand why.
I’m not sure what I expected from Anderson’s office. Maybe something tranquil and clinical? Instead, it’s very much the opposite in some ways. It’s vibrant, but it has a sense of tranquility… I’m just not sure how it achieves that when it doesn’t look like any office I’ve been in before.
“Thanks for agreeing to meet with me. I know that’s a major step. Please, sit wherever you feel comfortable,” he says with a smile.
I swallow around the lump in my throat, and study my options before I take a seat in one of the larger overstuffed chairs.
The one where I can best see the door, because I still struggle if I’m not able to see exits after Jax.
Fuck. And this is why I need to be here.
I thought with everything Ten taught me I was getting better, but really, I was just drowning faster…
“Thank you,” I choke out as I clench my fingers into fists, waiting for him to sit down.
I hate my body right now. Everything seems to scream fight or flight. I want to do anything but sit here and…talk.
“I know this is difficult,” Anderson says soothingly as he takes a seat across from me.
The long coffee table separates us, thankfully.
“But I want to commend you for taking this step forward. I’m sure Javi has already given you the speech about how this is a journey we take together.
Part of that means finding a rhythm, a trust between us. I don’t expect that to be immediate.
“So much of therapy can feel like you're taking one step forward and two steps back. It’s a process. And it’s hard to have faith in something you’re unfamiliar with.
Especially because this needs to be a place where we’re honest with each other.
Please know, I am by your side for it, and I know you have several people supporting you as well. ”
I flinch at his last words. He doesn’t know how very untrue that is, and part of me doesn’t want to break the facade… The one where I live competently and am not falling apart. However, that fucking word—honesty. It sits bitter on my tongue, tasting acidic, trying to burn me from the inside out.
I haven’t been honest in so long that I don’t even know where to begin. I suppose correcting him would be best, letting him know he’s working with a selfish villain who pushes everyone away and turns them against him… Yeah, I can see this going well.
But if he truly wants to see the real me, then I’ll bare the ugliness of my soul, and hope that maybe…just maybe, he won’t hate me too. Not that I’d blame him if he told me to get the fuck out, that I’m too fucked up for him to help.
Blowing out a breath, I can’t face him while I admit my truth, so I stare at the floor as I speak.
“Javi gave me his very enthusiastic lecture. Possibly a threat. I’m…
not quite sure. As for me having support, I think you’ll find the only person who may be slightly more hated than me is Cristian. And that’s probably unlikely as well.”
“Why do you say that?” Anderson’s soft voice feels like sandpaper against my skin. The softness…it’s not right. It’s not what I deserve.
I let my head drop back, switching from staring at the floor to the ceiling.
Fuck. How do I sum everything up? It’s…impossible.
Finally, I face Anderson and give him fucking honesty.
“Well, to sum it up, I’m selfish. I was engaged to an amazing man.
But I betrayed him. Then I fell in love with another man, who I knew was in a polyamorous relationship, but, for some reason, my mind doesn’t seem to understand that.
Every now and then, I think I make progress before suddenly my doubts overtake me, and I can’t handle sharing him.
How fucked up is that? Especially when one of the people he loves is my best friend…
“Speaking of my best friend, yeah, that’s another area where I massively failed.
Lio and I had an easy friendship. I was his first friend, and I love him like a brother, but one I’d actually choose.
Still, when his love went missing, I made everything about me.
When he struggled, I didn’t do anything to help.
I made life harder for him. His need to have a Daddy…
I didn’t get it. I still don’t. But I didn’t want to share my Nocciola.
“Of course, that glosses over when Lio’s love came back. The man was so fucked up that he crossed a line that is, frankly, unforgivable. And what did I do? Did I go to my best friend and offer support? No, I didn’t. Once again, I focused only on my own needs, my desires.”
I stop abruptly, bile rising in my throat. I can’t continue. There’s still so much more to get out. All the ways I’ve let people down. Let myself down. But fuck, it’s pointless. It’s all…pointless.
Anderson firmly interrupts my spiraling. “Benjamin. I understand that you’re looking at your past and you’re seeing all the things you did wrong. But that’s all of us. We all live with regrets. To my understanding, you’ve been through a lot of trauma. Haven’t you?”
I flinch, knowing he means Jax. And fuck, I almost lost my mom too.
I grunt in the affirmative, because I can’t give voice to those memories.
They’ll suck me in, and pull me under, like they normally do.
And I…I can’t. Not while I need to be stronger.
Fuck, I’ve messed up so much that I’ll be lucky if Hollis even lets me live.
A soft sigh escapes Anderson, and I flinch as if there’s a crack of thunder. Yet another person I’m letting down… Well, now he knows I’m worthless. Why put time into me?
“You know… Javi has very unique ideas, correct?”
I frown at the different direction, unsure what it could mean. “Uh, yeah. He’s a little different. I know he’s doing everything he can do to help us—at least, the ones who can be helped.”
“And you don’t consider yourself to be one of those?”
I bite my lip, hating Anderson’s penetrating gaze. It's as if he can see inside me. The only people who ever truly saw me were Ignacio, Lio, and Tennant, and fuck, look how that’s turned out.
“No,” I finally state. The finality rings throughout the room, even as my heart cracks further, pieces breaking off and disintegrating until all that remains is coldness.
The slight noise of his distress pains me. I’ve never known someone to care like that. I can’t imagine someone doing so after everything I just said. Not to mention, aren’t therapists supposed to be impartial?
Clearing his throat, Anderson yanks me from my wandering thoughts. “In the spirit of honesty, I have to tell you that, due to Javi’s unconventional approach to, well, everything, I was given some information on you.”
I clench my teeth, straightening as I wait for the words to hit me. The shield I usually form is gone, and I’m here, waiting for the bullets to penetrate my soul. I wave him on, waiting to see how much I’ll bleed, wondering if I can survive it or if I even should at this point.
His sweet smile does nothing to make me feel more comfortable. Still, when he starts to talk, I listen, because there’s no other choice in this fucking room. Even if I desperately wish there were…
“Ignacio mentioned you used to play video games daily. Including having sessions with your friends. However, from what I’ve gathered, ever since Allesandro and Cristian were kidnapped, you haven’t played at all.”
Unsure what he’s getting at, I shrug. “It was time for me to grow up.
I was supposed to be a Second. Chosen to provide support for Lio.
I was even given training by Tennant, who is the ultimate Second.
Yet, I failed at it. So there was no point in me playing video games.
It was just another example of my immaturity.
“Plus, it’s not like Tennant would ever want to hang out while I played video games like Ignacio did. He isn’t interested in my day-to-day stuff, and that’s understandable. He has a lot of lovers to be with. I don’t want to be a hassle.”
“You do realize that by denying yourself the video games, you are denying yourself a major stress relief? What’s worse, I think it has robbed you of your identity too. It sounds like, from everything I hear, you’ve had a lot of confusing, turbulent emotions over the last few months.”
I snort, because that’s true. Fuck knows I don’t know whether I’m coming or going anymore. But… “What do you mean by identity?”
It’s hard not to squirm under Anderson’s scrutiny, but I manage it—barely. He taps his lips a couple times before he asks, “Do you know what a Middle is?”
“A Middle?” I blink, not recognizing what the fuck he’s talking about.