29. Hollis #2
He tilts his head. “You’re placing control in my hands right now, and Doc and Javi’s. Trusting us to help give you the tools to survive this. Admitting yourself to our care is one of the ultimate displays of trust, much like your lovers give you.
“I won’t pretend to know any of you well, but from what I’ve observed?
Tennant doesn’t seem the type to follow anyone who hasn’t earned his dedication and respect.
There’s a reason he puts not only his life, but the life of his Boy in your hands.
For a Daddy, there is no higher honor we can bestow on anyone else. ”
Taking off my glasses, I wipe at my eyes, drying my tears on the stupidly thin bedsheet. “A blanket,” I tell him. “You want to make my stay here more comfortable? Bring me an actual fucking blanket.”
“Okay.” Connor inclines his head. “A blanket it is.” He shifts and leans forward a little. “What do you do? When you wake from a nightmare?”
I shrug. “Usually go to work. Sometimes, I’ll hit the treadmill if I need space before being enclosed in my office, but I am usually up for the day. No point trying to sleep after the horrors in my head.”
“Have you ever talked to anyone about them?”
“If I’m with Ten, he’ll try. I never tell him any details, but talking to him helps sometimes, just knowing he’s there. But I don’t want to burden him.”
“You don’t have to continuously prove you’re strong, Hollis. Everyone already knows that. It’s not a weakness to admit you’re struggling.”
I wrap my arms around myself again. “How can they trust me to…be their support, to be the head of our unit, if they see me at my most vulnerable?”
“Being vulnerable is the bravest form of showing strength there is,” he replies softly. “It’s you admitting you’re not perfect, and even the toughest amongst us struggle sometimes.”
I swallow and hug myself tighter as I begin to tremble. “I want to be more than this. I want to be what I preach, to show my loves a different way. I…don’t want to be Il Padrone and Cristian.”
“The fact you can admit that shows you aren’t.
You know the trappings they fell into, and I can support you in ways they didn’t receive.
Lean on me, and those you care about. It’s not giving up control, it's the exact opposite. Being in charge, the Dom at the top, isn’t about how tightly you hold the leash, but about knowing how to give as much as you get.
“It’s trust, it’s vulnerability, and it’s something you’ve already subconsciously been doing for a while. You’ve just been lost in your head and haven’t realized it.”
“Wh—what do you mean?”
“You haven’t mentioned Jude and his Boys. Do they not play into your fears?”
I shake my head. “I…Jude is the perfect Dom. I know he’d do what’s best for him, Antonio, and the twins. But…Antonio is already mine. I claimed him when he and Marcus got chased off the road. I just… Fuck! I never explained things to him, but for me, what Jude had has always been mine.”
Connor nods. “Maybe you should explain that to them? I’m sure the four of them could help reassure you they’re not going anywhere, and it might bring you all closer if they knew they had not only your protection, but also your blessing.”
Guilt swirls inside me, and it almost comes out, as nausea rises, the back of my throat tasting like bile.
“Fuck, I’m such a failure. Antonio and the twins, Ignacio, Allesandro…
Hell, even fucking Lio…they’ve all touched something of mine, captured parts of my lovers’ hearts, and I failed to make them feel welcome. ”
“You’re a man who’s been pulled in many different directions the past handful of months, and someone who’s been deeply traumatized.
I don’t see that as failure, but a need to survive and only handle the things that were easy.
It’s why I have been much more patient than Javi when it comes to your therapy.
I knew it was only a matter of time, that you needed to hit your rock bottom before you could truly embrace letting me in. ”
I grimace. Fucking know-it-all therapist. But…he’s not wrong. And it makes me trust Connor a little more, knowing he’s not afraid to be blunt with me.
“Partners, right?” I ask him. “You and I are in this together?”
He nods. “Yes, I’m your partner in this.
I won’t sugarcoat anything. It’s going to be very difficult, especially as we try different techniques and methods to find the best form of care and type of therapy for you, but you’re not alone.
Just like you’re not alone when you make amends with your polycule.
“I can be right by your side, if you need me to be. And if you’d rather I stay out of that part, I can help you figure out how to apologize, how to bring them into your fold completely without feeling as if you’re giving up pieces of yourself.”
I let out a shaky breath. “That’s what happened with Benjamin. I so desperately wanted to give Tennant what he asked for, and I leaned too hard, first one way and then the other. I’m not sure Benjamin will ever trust me again.”
“You’re both in therapy now, both discovering how to manage yourselves and being given the necessary space to learn where you fit. I could write you a recommendation to see Marshall, if you would like someone there, but the ball is in your court, Hollis.”
Every time he says my name, little pieces of myself start sewing themselves back together.
The name H picked didn’t feel like my own, not at first, and over time, I tried to be that person.
I learned to love who I was becoming. Until it all came crashing down around me because a hurt Boy who I so fucking don’t deserve stood up to me and made me realize what’s important.
Hollis.
Hol.
Tesoro.
Tesorino.
Amante.
Sir.
Everything I’ve been called since I shed the boy I was…but even Dayton is there too. The loss of him is something I’m realizing I never got over.
When I look at Connor, his controlled expression gives nothing away, though the calm, commanding aura he has draws me in all the same. He’s promising to walk beside me as I bleed myself dry, and for once, the thought doesn’t immediately make me panic.
“It’s going to hurt.”
He nods. “Yes. You’ll take two steps forward only to find yourself moving one back, but that doesn’t make you a failure. It simply means you’re doing the best you can.
“There are days you’re going to hate me, hate Javi, hate everything about this process. You’re going to want to quit, but I promise you, Hollis, if you stick with it, through the good and the bad, I will never leave your side. You’ll be doing the heavy lifting, but you won’t ever be alone.”
Taking a stuttering breath, I manage to nod.
“Okay. Then…let’s do this. I want to be the person Ten, Roman, Jude, Emilio, Benjamin, and even Allesandro once believed I was.
For them, and for myself. I…” I close my eyes and place my hand over my wrist, covering my scars.
“I want to discover what it’s like to live without this,” I lift my arm up, squeezing my hand around myself until it hurts, “dictating everything.”
“I’m in this if you are.”
I smile a little. “Just don’t try to fucking Daddy me.”
He laughs. “I make no promises, but don’t worry, I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to… There might just be some tough love every now and then.”
I glance at him, rolling my eyes at the knowing look on his face. Fucking Daddies… “Whatever, you have full permission to kick my ass whenever I need it. Just…don’t be surprised if I fight back.”
“I expect it.”
Letting out a breath, I sag, leaning against the raised bed and scrubbing a hand over my eyes. “Is it always going to be this exhausting?”
“Maybe. It depends on what we work on that day, but opening yourself up and trusting someone else is never easy. We’ll stop here for today.
You've made good progress, Hollis, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
You gave us a starting point, and we can work on your fears of being abandoned, alongside your anxiety. I’m proud of you.”
I grimace. “No Daddying.”
He laughs, the fucker. Connor gathers his things, putting the two file folders he showed me away as he stands. “I’ll get you a new blanket by the end of the day. If you need anything else, don’t hesitate to ask for me.”
“Thank you.”
He nods and leaves quickly, careful not to shut the door all the way behind him.
I know it’s protocol for suicide watch, but he could have left the door open all the way to fulfil that.
No, he’s giving me the privacy I desperately need after the session, while also not shutting me in, and that’s a detail that earns him a little more of my trust, knowing he listened.
Taking my glasses off, I set them aside and pull the thin bedsheet and shitty blanket up, curling around myself as I lay in bed.
Not having one of my lovers with me made sleep impossible last night, but the heavy emotions have now made me drowsy, and I allow my eyes to close with the promise of Connor’s safety in my mind.
Maybe, just maybe everything’s going to be okay…