31. Benjamin
Ifocus on my breathing rather than the nervousness running through me. The last thing I want is to be thrown into a panic attack and have to be sedated—again.
It's just Tennant. He loves you, as much as he can. He'll listen, he always does.
Despite how often I chant those words in my head, they don't seem to help. On the precipice of losing everything that matters, there's nothing that could calm the racing thoughts, or the anxious, jittery feeling I have.
The door to my room is pushed open without so much as a knock, and when Tennant steps in, I lose my breath.
Fuck, he's so beautiful. He's wearing black slacks and a black dress shirt. The dark color makes his ice blue eyes stand out like glaciers, and his neatly combed white blond hair seems to gleam under the lights.
Everything in me is drawn to him. Like a moth to a flame, Tennant pulls me in without even trying.
Is it any wonder I was helpless to stop the collision course we’re on?
From his dangerous aura to his too-pretty-to-be-real looks, Tennant exudes everything I should have wanted to stay away from.
Instead, he gives me what I need, and more.
Even at the expense of the fairytale life I’ve always dreamed of.
I take a deep breath, as he smirks and shuts the door behind him. He’s very aware of what he does to me, but I don’t begrudge his arrogance. No, I want it, I need it. At one point, I felt cherished because he pushed all that he is onto me. And I want that again.
“I love seeing you in makeup, Topolino. Such a beautiful Baby Mouse sitting there, so very tempting.”
I give him a small smile, the compliment soaking into my skin, healing my battered and bruised soul. “I need to try to get back to me, to remember to do all the things I thought I couldn’t when I was given my position.”
Tennant frowns, coldness seeping into his eyes, but it doesn’t scare me. It never has. “I think Roman is a good example of how you can be yourself and still have a position of power. Knowing you tried to temper yourself to fulfil your duties… It makes me want to take you over my knee.”
I can’t help my small gasp. I lick my bottom lip, tasting my sticky lip gloss as my blood heats and my head spins.
As Tennant takes a seat on the edge of the bed, I work on calming myself. Now isn’t the time to get lost in his words or his presence. That’s part of the reason we’re in this mess to begin with.
“What’s going on, Topolino?”
Looking into his eyes, so blue, so cold, yet filled with so much understanding and patience, my own begin to water. “I… We need to talk, Ten. Really talk.”
His eyes darken, and though his expression doesn’t change, I can feel him withdrawing from me, trying to save himself from the heartbreak.
That’s the last thing I want, so I reach for him, telegraphing each movement and making sure he can see me coming.
Hovering my hand over his, I look for the acceptance of touch in his eyes before finally setting my hand on him.
“Please, don’t pull away. I’m not leaving you.
I just…I spoke to Allesandro earlier, and he put some things into perspective.
I need to talk to you about them, though.
So we can move forward. Together. If that’s what you still want?
” I hate the uncertainty in my voice, but why would Ten want me when he has so many other, easier lovers at his beck and call?
“I told you a long time ago, Benjamin, you’re mine. Even if you decided to end us now, you’d always be mine.”
His claim has my heart soaring, but I don’t give in. I can’t yet.
“Right. So, I talked to Allesandro. Outside of Lio and Ignacio, he knows me best. He…he knew how to settle me as Il Padrone, and I needed that today. I needed his calmness, his quick mind, and his reassurance that even though I fucked up, I could have my life back…even if it’s not what I planned for it to be. ”
Tennant threads our fingers together, and his thumb rubs soothing circles into my skin. “I’m glad you had him, even though I despise knowing I can’t give you what you need.”
Licking my lips, my throat is suddenly dry as fear starts to grip me, and I whisper, “You can. I just didn’t see it before. Despite you, Hollis, and Lio all explaining it to me, I didn’t understand how I could fit into a poly relationship when I decidedly am not poly.
“I…I don’t blame you for going after what you want; you have so much love to give, I know that firsthand. I knew you weren’t monogamous, but at the time, I thought it was just sex. I thought I could have some fun and move on. I didn’t know you were the one who would own my soul.”
Tennant’s mouth quirks up a little. “I noticed you the first time we met, Topolino. But acting on such impulses isn't my nature. Then when the Bosses were kidnapped, you and I got close, and I saw everything you were trying to hide.”
I let out a shuddering breath. “You did. You saw me in a way most didn’t, but it was just sex, wasn’t it? We let our passion burn bright until we were so tangled up that there was no you and me, just us. By then, it was too late to turn back…but we never discussed more.”
“Is that what you and Sandro discussed?”
I nod. “He helped me put things into perspective. He and Lio…they were building a life together, they were getting married, had discussed children, and were making a future for the two of them. I—Ignacio and I were the same. We were planning a future together. One built on hopes and dreams…my hopes and dreams.” I close my eyes as the pain of that revelation comes to fruition.
Ignacio would have given me everything I ever wanted, because that’s the type of person he is. Yes, he held me firmly against him, and we both lived by the rules and boundaries Il Padrone set, but Ignacio was catering to my storybook ending.
Tennant…doesn’t do that. At least, not in such a straightforward way.
That he’s here now, because I asked him to be, that he’s shown up every time I needed him, even the times I thought he shouldn’t, shows how much he cares.
He may not be free with his words and declarations of love, but all I need to do is get out of my own way to see how much he really does love me.
“I’ve never had to talk or plan out a future,” he says.
“Hollis and I just fell into place, and everything was so easy. We agreed we didn’t want to get married, and that’s as far as the future planning went.
We lived our life in that way until Roman.
But even he slotted in easily because I knew him.
I helped raise him, and I knew his hopes and dreams already.
He’s never been quiet about his opinions or wants.
” I flinch. Though it wasn’t a dig at me, I can’t help but feel it was because of how much I’ve kept to myself.
Tennant squeezes my hand, offering me reassurance before he continues. “Jude is much like me and Hol. He’s content to let things happen as they may, but if something is going in a way he dislikes, he fixes it.
“I’m sorry I didn’t ask more of you. I didn’t take the time to slow down and figure out where you stood in all this, or how us being together would change things for your future. I’ve never had to do that before, and though that’s no excuse, it’s an insight into how I’m put together.”
“I know who you are, Nocciola. I don’t blame you for it. It’s both our fault for letting our passion carry us this far. But if we want to last, we can’t do that anymore. We need to be true partners, and get to know each other.”
“I like the sound of that.”
I smile gratefully, some of my stress melting away at how well this is going.
Now comes the hard part. “I…need to explore who I am. You and Anderson gave me a lot to think about, and…I need to discover the parts of myself that have been neglected because I was too busy ruining my life and the lives of everyone around me.” Taking a deep breath, I say, “Allesandro suggested I find things other than just you to focus on. I want to get back to work. I know Jayden is pissed at me because of the way I treated Ignacio—I need to find a way to make it up to him and apologize—but I still want to help. I’m good at my job, and I know Roman is still in PT for his hand, and Ignacio is working on getting back to where he was before being injured as well.
And I want to help. It shouldn’t all be on Jayden and Dominic’s shoulders. ”
Tennant gives a wry grin. “Don’t forget, Leandro does PT as well to keep his strength maintained.”
I grimace, hoping Jayden isn’t that pissed at me that he pairs me and Leandro together.
“Outside of my job, though, I want to do other things.
Allesandro reminded me that I need a life, and I once had one.
I had Lio, and I had the other Boys, though they were closer to Ignacio than me.
But we were a family. I want that again.
“Not only with the Boys and Lio, but…I want to talk to Roman. I claimed him, and I’ve let him down so spectacularly. I need to fix that. I need to get to know Jude. He honestly scares the hell out of me, as he’s so hard to read, but I want to try because I know he’s important to you.
“I…may have fucked things up with Hollis, but I still want to try. I think this is what he was trying and failing to tell me the last time we spoke. We just…got lost with one another. I respect his dominance, and his presence in your life, but in trying to be more than I am, I lost sight of him too. So, we need to fix that, eventually. If he doesn’t kill me first.”
Tennant shakes his head. “Hol won’t kill you. Not when he sees you trying so hard.” He lets go of my hand to reach up and cup my cheek. “This is all I wanted, Benjamin. For you to be part of my life, for you to accept my family as yours. I’m sorry I didn’t have the words to explain it to you.”