Chapter 39
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
Koen
Where the fuck am I?
I slowly wake and register that the bed is shaking, but I’m too disorientated to figure out what’s happening. I always sleep alone.
My eyes snap open, and in the dim light from the streetlamp, I register Glitter lying next to me. Then I remember the night before. Sitting up, I frown at how her face seems twisted in agony even as she sleeps. Her chest is rising and falling rapidly, and there are tear tracks down her face. Alarmed, I realize I can hear muffled, indistinct sounds coming from her parted lips, which is enough to tell me that she must be screaming.
I reach out and touch her arm. “Little Thief,” I murmur, my voice a low rumble in my ears. She doesn’t react, but her mouth makes different shapes now, but I can’t make out the words. I keep trying to read them, to find out what hell she’s reliving, but the pain on her face makes it difficult to focus. I catch a “please,” but it’s not enough.
“Wait,” I say, though I’m sure she can’t hear me. I fumble for my hearing aids on the nightstand, grabbing them when my fingers brush against the cool plastic. I push them into my ears as fast as possible, the sounds around me sharpening as they come to life.
Moving closer to her, I brush my hand against her cheek, and finally, her eyes flutter open. Her gaze is unfocused as she gasps. “ Koen .”
She reaches for me, grabbing at my shirt as she tries to pull herself closer to me. The way she says my name, there’s a level of pleading in it that goes beyond fear. It’s as if she’s drowning, and I’m the only life raft she has.
I try to steady her, thinking I might be able to ease her back into sleep, but then she rises onto her knees and throws her leg over my lap, straddling me in a whirlwind of movement. She wraps her arms around my neck and pleads against my shoulder, “Please, make it stop. I can’t. Koen, please, make it stop.”
My heart clenches painfully at her broken desperation, and for the first time, I think I see all of her. The fear, the vulnerability that runs bone deep. The pain that she hides when it clearly takes incredible strength just to be here, to even try . The magnitude of it hits me, and I wrap my arms around her in turn, holding her to me.
Her sobs double the moment I do, and then she starts rocking her pelvis against me, her movements frantic as if I’m the only thing keeping her from falling apart. “Please, I need—” She cuts herself off, her breath hitching on a sob when she pulls back and seems to realize what she’s been doing.
We can’t have that. Not when she was already so brave.
“You’re safe,” I command, my voice lowering to that soft, reassuring tone I’ve used countless times—a trick I know well. “I’ve got you, and I’m not going anywhere.” Each word is designed to wrap around her, to pull her back from wherever her mind has taken her. Desperation radiates off her as she buries her head in my shoulder again and presses against me, seeking something, anything , to take away her pain. My hands tighten on her waist, my heart breaking at the sight of her like this. “Stop. Talk to me.”
Only, she doesn’t stop. Her hands move from behind my neck to my face, and she lifts her head again to look at me, her fingers trembling as she traces my jaw, her eyes filled with so much pain that it takes my breath away. “Koen, please,” she whispers. “I need you. I need… please. ”
“I’m here, precious,” I say, my hands moving to cup her face. “I’m right here. Breathe for me, okay? Just breathe.”
She shakes her head, moving her soft skin against my palms just as another wracking sob overtakes her body. “I can’t,” she chokes out, squeezing her eyes shut. “I can’t. It hurts. Please, make it stop.”
I pull her closer, wrapping my arms around her and holding her tightly against my chest. “I know,” I whisper, my lips pressing against her hair. “I know it hurts. I’m so, so sorry.”
I knew she lived her life always on guard, but even so, I could have never imagined the hell she’s been through, the hell she’s still carrying with her every day.
Glitter clings to me, her face pressed against my neck. Her tears are hot and wet against my skin, her breaths still only coming in shuddering gasps. “Please,” she pleads again. “ Please, Koen.”
"I’m here,” I repeat. “I’m not going anywhere.”
I try to keep her still with my hand on her back, offering her some semblance of comfort, but she’s relentless. She’s grinding against me, her body feverish, her hips rolling as though she’s on a mission. She’s only in her panties, and I’m down to my boxers, allowing her pussy to hug my shaft as she moves. It’s torture, sweet, unbearable torture, and as much as I hate seeing her this broken, I can’t deny how fucking hard it makes me with her moving on top of me like this.
“It’s not enough,” she whimpers as she grinds harder. “I need you.”
She confessed that she uses alcohol and men to cope—sex to cope—and even if I gave her permission to drink right now, it wouldn’t be enough. Not for this kind of pain. But I’m not going to fuck her. Not like this. I need her to see that she’s worth more than a quick fuck.
I want her, fuck , I want her more than anything, but I won’t let our first time be like this. At the same time, every instinct I have screams to pull her close, to soothe away the pain carved across her face. My heart pounds, loud and insistent, as if it’s trying to warn me, to remind me of those boundaries I’ve drawn in my mind. There’s a line I swore I wouldn’t cross holding me in place, keeping my hands from wandering.
I shouldn’t do this. I promised myself I’d be careful. I let myself go too far, let myself care too much, only to be burned.
I look at the woman in my arms again, and it’s like all the air is stolen from the room. Her pain is raw, naked, impossible to ignore, and my resolve wavers.
Just this once.
Closing my eyes, I exhale as I let my hands move to her hips.
Just this once because she needs me.
My hands tighten on her as I deliberately pull her over my cock, and she gasps, her breath hitching as she feels the pressure. My balls are already drawn up tight, and I’m praying I don’t embarrass myself. It’s been so fucking long since I’ve been with anyone, and she isn’t just anyone.
“I’ve got you, okay? I promise I’ve got you,” I rasp, ragged, as I guide her movements. My hands slide to her ass, spreading her open as she grinds down on me. The tip of my cock rubs against her clit through the thin fabric, and she moans, her eyes scrunched closed.
“More,” she gasps. “Please, Koen, I need more.”
I’m about to lose my fucking mind.
Every instinct in me is screaming to rip off her panties, to pull my cock free, and bury myself inside her until we both forget every goddamn thing that’s ever happened to us. But I need to keep my shit together— for her . This isn’t about me. This is purely to help her ride out the storm raging inside her pretty head.
I groan as her hands slide under my shirt, her nails scraping down my abs, making my muscles clench. She’s not fucking helping. “Get it off,” she commands in a near-frantic whisper, bunching my shirt up to my pecs. “I need to feel your skin.”
She yanks her shirt over her head, and my eyes are drawn to her shoulder first, to the scar on her perfect skin. It must be from the crash she’s now spiraling from.
Before the thought can fully form, my gaze drops, and I short-circuit.
Her perfect fucking tits.
My pulse thunders in my ears as all rational thought evaporates, my restraint dangling by the thinnest thread. I tear off my shirt, my body trembling with the effort to keep myself from losing complete control. All I know is want and restraint, guilt and desire.
None of it matters when she’s looking at me like that , like I’m the only thing she needs in the world right now.
And then she’s leaning down, her tits pressing into me, her hips rolling over my cock again, dragging a low groan from deep in my chest. She tries to kiss me, but I turn my head, my lips finding her neck instead. I’m not giving her our first kiss like this. Not mindless .
“Still not enough,” she whimpers, her following breaths shaky. “I. Need. You.”
“I’m not going to fuck you like this.” I voice my resolve against her throat, a mix of grit and regret. “But I want you to use me, precious. Use me as you need to.”
Her eyes are wide and dark with need when I pull back to see her response, and she moves, lifting herself to adjust. She pulls her panties to the side and presses her wet heat directly against my cock, only the thin fabric of my boxers keeping us apart. I almost fucking break right then at the desperation, beautiful and raw.
“Eyes on me,” I tell her roughly, my hands on her hips guiding her as she starts to move again. I need to see her, to watch her pain turn to something else I can help her with. Her thighs clench around me as her pussy glides up and down my length. Her pupils dilate when our gazes clash, then her expression softens, if only a little, as she loses herself in the motion of our bodies.
Her hands find my chest then, and she picks up the pace. “Goddamn,” I growl out as her tits bounce with each grind. I reach up, cupping her breasts, rolling her nipples between my fingers, and she cries out, the pain in her eyes fading, replaced by something hazier, something that feels close to relief.
She’s not drowning anymore. She’s somewhere else, somewhere where the pain doesn’t reach, and it’s all I want for her.
Her fingers slip under the waistband of my boxers, and my cock twitches at the touch, a groan slipping from me. Before I can stop her, she lifts herself off my lap and pulls my boxers down just enough for my cock to spring free.
“Precious,” I grit out, a warning. “I said I won’t fuck you.”
She lowers herself again so my cock is trapped between us, her wetness making for a smooth glide, and I’m losing it. My hands clamp down on her hips, my teeth gritting together as I try not to thrust up into her. She’s warm, wet, and everything I’ve ever wanted.
“I want you, Koen,” she breathes out, mirroring my thoughts. “I want you so bad.”
And fuck, I want her too. But she’s lucid enough to wait, to trust me and not push until I’m ready to give. And that’s enough to keep my last thread of control from snapping.
I am in control.
The thought brings me back to myself. She caught me off guard, pulled me along with her panic, but I am in fucking control.
“You need to come, precious?” I ask, my voice thick with need that I don’t hide from her. She nods, her eyes glassy, a whimper escaping her throat.
“I need you inside me, please, Koen,” she begs. “Make me come, take me.”
And fuck. Just like that, I’m teetering, my resolve so close to shattering. Instead, I shift her beneath me, her back pressing into the mattress as I lean over her. Her eyes widen, anticipation and desperation swirling in them.
I let my fingers trail up her thigh, her skin soft under my touch, and when my fingertips find her pussy, stroking her, she moans, her hips arching toward me. I slip one finger inside her, pausing for a moment to feel her warmth surround me, and then I start to move, curling my finger as my thumb rubs her clit. Her whimpers turn into soft cries, her body responding beautifully to every stroke, every touch.
“Fuck, you’re so tight,” I murmur as I add another finger, my movements deliberate as I work her open, her wetness now coating both my cock and my fingers. “You’re perfect, you know that? This tight little pussy is so damn warm, so fucking perfect for me. You’d take my cock so well, I know it. I’d stretch you out so good, fill you up just right.”
She tips her head back against the mattress and moans. Her back arches, making her tits bounce with every grind down on my hand. “Yes,” she gasps out in a desperate plea.
She clenches around my fingers, her hips rocking, forcing her to press harder against my hand, and I fuck her deeper, my thumb still circling her clit.
“Tell me, precious,” I growl out, brushing my lips against her ear. “Tell me how good my fingers feel fucking you. How good it feels to be taken care of.”
“So good,” she moans out breathily, her eyes fluttering open to meet mine. “It feels so fucking good, Koen. Please, don’t stop.”
“Damn right, I won’t,” I rasp, curling my fingers to find that spot inside her that will make her cry out and her entire body shudder. My gaze locks on her face, drinking in every shift in her expression, how her turmoil melts into pure, unfiltered pleasure.
I kiss down her neck and then even lower until I find her nipple. I suck gently, and she whimpers as her fingers thread through my hair, holding me there. My cock presses against her leg, painfully hard, throbbing with every gasp and cry she lets out. It’s still slick with her wetness, and I grind against her instinctively, the friction not enough to relieve the ache building low in my balls. Fuck, if she doesn’t come soon, I’m going to be coming all over her.
Her breaths shorten as her moans turn into desperate gasps, and her entire body coils tightly. My thumb moves steadily, my fingers still curled, and then she’s coming, her pussy clamping down on me as her entire body arches off the bed.
“Fuck,” I groan through clenched teeth, feeling her pulse around my fingers, her walls squeezing so tight it’s almost impossible to move them. I bite back a curse, forcing myself to keep my hips still as my cock twitches, desperate for release.
She’s beautiful like this, completely lost in the right way. Her cheeks are flushed, her eyes squeezed shut, and her skin is glistening with sweat while she shudders, her tits bouncing with the movement.
Fuck, I’ve never seen anything more beautiful. Her green eyes are hazed, her lips swollen from biting down. She’s perfect, every inch of her, and all I want, no, all I need is to keep her like this, to keep her safe, to make her feel this good forever.
Preferably with my cock next time.
Slowly, I ease my fingers out of her and resist the urge to suck them clean, every nerve in my body screaming for more of her. Instead, I lean down and press a kiss to her forehead. “You’re okay,” I whisper, resting my forehead against hers. “I’ve got you, precious. I’ve always got you.”
She nods after a brief hesitation, her body still trembling as I lay beside her. My boxers drag painfully over my cock as I pull them back up, wiping my fingers on the fabric in a futile attempt to focus on something other than the unbearable ache between my legs.
Her breaths are still ragged when I wrap my arms around her, pulling her close against my chest. She melts into me, her warm cheek pressing against my pec, and I reach down to tug the covers over us. Every brush of her skin against mine feels like torture for my still-hard cock, which throbs as if mocking my restraint.
In slow, gentle movements, I stroke her back, trying to calm her, even as every muscle in my body remains tense, coiled tight with sexual frustration. I kiss the top of her head, inhaling the sweet scent of her hair, and whisper, “We’ll talk about this.” My voice is hoarse, laced with tension I can’t quite hide. “We’ll talk about everything tomorrow. Right now, try to sleep again, okay?”
She immediately nods against my chest this time, and that trust makes me believe that whatever happens next, she’ll let me be right here, where she needs me.
Even with that knowledge, my mind is far from quiet. As she falls into a deep sleep, my thoughts race about the things we need to discuss. About what this means, about where this is going. Fuck, about birth control and safety. We’ve already gone way too far before discussing this.
And Sylus.
He already declared he’s hers. He’s never been shy about that—protective to the point of recklessness, staking his claim with his words and actions, even if she hasn’t said she’s his in return.
He’s a goner for her.
Now, with her in my arms, her trust laid bare, I can’t deny it anymore.
It’s not just Sylus. It’s me too.
And fuck, if it doesn’t feel more and more like I’m hers as well.
What does that make us?
I’ll have to talk to Sylus before I can talk with her.
Tomorrow, I’ll figure it out. Tonight, I’ll hold her close, feel her heartbeat slowly sync with mine, and hope like hell we’re not all headed for something we won’t be able to come back from.