Chapter Thirteen #4
“If my mother walked through that door now, and you weren’t married to Caryn, but had to choose between them, who would choose to leave with?” he asked, wanting to see if his father really did love his mother like he said he did.
They all knew he adored Caryn and loved her a great deal.
At his question, he didn’t hesitate.
“Catherine.”
Ethan was curious.
“Why?” he asked. “Is it just because of guilt? Or is there something more?”
He was honest.
“It’s because I love her to this day. She was the one true love of my life. Don’t get me wrong, because I cherish and love Caryn, but when you meet that person, and your heart knows, it knows.”
That Ethan understood.
That was how it felt when he met Gene and then Elizabeth. He loved Chris very much, but the love was different. It wasn’t as all-encompassing, and he knew everyone in their unit felt the same. Gene loved him relentlessly, and he loved Elizabeth, but not the same way.
Callen loved Chris and him, but Elizabeth was his person. Your heart knew when it knew. It didn’t mean you couldn’t open it for others.
It just had that special connection to someone. His was with Elizabeth and Gene.
He thought about what his mother said, and had he been born a Running Wolf, he would have had Callen as his soulmate. Fate was tricky.
“Do you miss her?” he asked.
Wyler ate some stew, and nodded.
“I miss her more than anyone knows. I think about her every day, and I dream about her. The way I abused her heart makes me ashamed. I wanted to see her to say that I was so sorry for how I left her alone. Every day, I think about how she died alone. Now more since I’m going to leave this world sooner, rather than later. ”
A single tear slipped down Wyler’s cheek.
That broke Ethan’s heart.
“Is that why you came back? To die alone as punishment for what you did to her?”
He didn’t hesitate.
Instead, Wyler nodded.
“It’s what I deserved. It should be my penance for that horrible sin, Ethan. It wasn’t to hurt you guys. It was to hurt me. I didn’t think for one second your wife would move everyone here. I assumed I’d win that one. She’s tough to outthink.”
Well, that was sad, but it made sense.
“That wasn’t necessary.”
Oh, but it was.
Wyler was to the point.
“I left her alone when I should have been the one sitting beside her, holding her hand. I should have seen her final breath, and I should have closed her eyes for her. That should have been me. I will never forgive myself for missing that moment. You know as a Native, how valuable that moment is when the soul leaves to go to the Happy Hunting Grounds. She gave me a son, and I gave her pain. The scale is not balanced, and for me to have peace in death, I have to find a way to balance it.”
Ethan wanted his father to know one thing.
“I won’t take you dream walking, Dad.”
The spoon paused halfway to his mouth, but he didn’t argue with him. Wyler was too tired, and he needed his energy for other things.
Like surviving.
“I understand.”
His son stopped him.
“You don’t,” he said eating some bread. “I won’t take you until you forgive yourself.
I’m not going to make a bridge to her, if you’re going to continue to punish yourself.
My mother is light and love now, and she doesn’t want you to hurt.
When you can look me in the eyes, and tell me that you’ve forgiven yourself, and we can start to heal as father and son, I’ll do it, but only then.
In order to give you this wish, you have to be ready for it.
You can’t dream walk when you’re buried in the weight of guilt. She won’t come.”
Wyler stared at him.
“Why?”
He was honest.
“Because you’re looking for forgiveness from the dead, when you should be seeking forgiveness from the living. The dead don’t judge you, we do.”
He actually laughed.
“Now, you sound like a Shaman. That’s something the great Timothy James Blackhawk would have said.”
He was honest.
“He wasn’t as great as everyone thought,” Ethan admitted. “He carried his own sins. Now, it’s time for you to stop carrying yours. Let it go.”
Wyler listened, and Ethan continued.
“It’s taken fifty years to get here, but I’m here.
I need you to let it go. When you dream walk, you need pure intent.
Again, she won’t show up if you carry this burden.
She’s ready for you when you cross. Caryn will be here when you leave, and she will be there when you cross, but you have to leave the regret behind. ”
Raph put his hand on his bestie's back.
Someone had come a long way.
That was for damn sure.
Wyler nodded.
“You’re right.”
Ethan was well aware.
“For the last five years, I’ve low-key read Timothy’s journals, and everything he left behind for us so one of the family could carry on.”
Wyler could tell.
It was time.
“I want to read you something.”
That was all Ethan said.
When he got up, he went out the door, and he got the book from the tipi. It was Timothy’s journal, and he saw this a few weeks ago—before he’d been to Philadelphia, where his whole world was thrown upside down.
As he came back in, he sat.
Flipping to the page, he read to him.
‘My dearest son,
You are a good man.
You are a strong man.
You are not a disappointment.
I know that the anger holds you, and it grinds away at your soul, but before your time is gone, like your ancestors before me, I need you to remember one thing.
When two forces come head-to-head, the one led by love is the one that will win every single time. You don’t disappoint me with your anger, but yourself. Let go of the pain. For as I have left this realm, you have not, and there is duty yet to be done. You are a Blackhawk, and that matters.’
He looked up at his father.
“He’s not talking to me, Dad. He’s talking to you. I have never really been his son. Oh, he raised me, but we all know his love for Callen was far greater.”
Wyler opened his mouth.
And Ethan stopped him.
“Dad, don’t. It’s okay. Callen needed it more.
Callen had no one fighting for him. I’m a survivor.
My mother gave me the skills, even as a child, to fight and keep fighting.
It’s why I’ve made it. Callen was closer to dying than me.
I’m okay with it. I’ve come to grips with it.
I may have called him dad out of anger for you, but he never was my father. That was always you.”
Wyler heard the words, and they made his heart ache.
“These were Timothy’s last words for you, and you didn’t want to pick up the mantle, and that’s fine. I’m here to do it. It calls to me, but I need you to heed the words of the shaman.
Wyler said nothing.
So, Ethan continued.
‘For you will be the one your grandsons look toward to see an example of love. I don’t doubt that when you see them, and raise them, you will love them more than you love yourself. You will have your redemption.
Raise them like you wanted to raise your own sons. Raise them to be strong, powerful, and filled with love and light. I know for a fact that Ethan will NOT be able to survive this without you finding peace. You’re the thread that brings him back to his life. With love, he will flourish.
His mother only taught him so much. You must finish that job. You must show him that a father is unselfish, and that your love will always be his.
Once before, I told you to go get your son.
Again, I’m telling you the same thing. He floats on an island built of hate, and you float on one of regret.
Only one will survive the other, and it is not his duty as a child to save you.
Like it wasn’t your duty to save me. I am sorry that I didn’t do the best job raising you.
I’m sorry that I didn’t give you what you needed after your mother died. Don’t repeat the process.
Show him love.
Show him peace.
Show him a father, and in return, when you pass, it will leave behind peace.
I can tell from the smoke when that will be, and the anger will end your life sooner rather than later.
Be one with peace, and make forgiveness of yourself the priority.
Without it, Ethan will NEVER get out from beneath it.
If you don’t forgive you, he will never feel worthy to forgive himself.
I wish I had the intelligence then to have this conversation with you, but when you get older, you get wiser. Once more, I ask if you will do the right thing, and once more, I wait to see it happen.
I love you, Wyler. You were my son, and you will always be my son.
I never doubted you’d turn your life around.
I’ll be waiting for you when you cross. I’ll be there when you meet our maker, and I will be proud of you.
Be a father in your last days. The boy you made, and the one you let carry your pain needs you to forgive yourself, so he can forgive himself.
See you at the grounds,
I love you, my son.
Dad.’
Wyler wiped his eyes.
“I miss him so much.”
Ethan closed the book.
That’s when he shared even more.
“The job of the Shaman is to help people when they come to him. You came to me, and I pushed you away because that anger lives and festers in me. I need you, Dad. I need your help before you’re gone.
I don’t want to be this man anymore. I don’t want to hurt and be angry.
I need you to be strong enough to show me how to get out of this.
I don’t know how anymore. Granddad was right.
If you go before we figure this out, I’ll be left to carry it alone, and I’m not strong enough to do that.
I’ve been fighting my whole life. Please give me the gift of love when you pass. I’m going to need it to survive.”
It was rare Ethan asked for anything. That wasn’t his nature. Now, he was asking for what was likely the most important thing in his life.
Peace.
So, Wyler would give it. As a father, it was his burden to carry, and his job to give his son that gift. He was absolutely right. Callen was Timothy’s, and Ethan was still his.
Wyler got up, and Ethan wasn’t sure what he would do. He was accustomed to him running.
With Wyler, it was hit or miss.
Instead, he moved closer to him, and he hugged him. He pulled him up, and he held his son, and in that moment, he wasn’t living to see his grandkids get older.
He was living to see his son heal.
He couldn’t go yet.
There was much to do.
“I forgive myself,” Wyler said, knowing that was the last piece. “I need you to forgive yourself now, too, Ethan. Please let it go, so we can be free. My pain is your pain, and we are tied together. Let’s release it together, too.”
Ethan rested his head on his father’s shoulder.
“I’m tired, Dad,” he whispered. “I’m so goddamn tired. I don’t know how much more I have left in me.”
He held him up.
“We’re going to make it, EJ. I promise that when I take my last breath, you will be okay, and you will be free of this. I promise that the only thing left between us is love from father to son.”
He hoped so.
“I love you, Son, and I will always love you. I don’t need Timothy to tell me how to live.
I know what I need. I’d love to go with you tomorrow when you go to the council.
I’d love to sit beside you as you take on the legacy of the Blackhawks.
Let me be by your side because you’ve been beside mine during doctor appointments and chemo. ”
Ethan would love that.
He knew how difficult this journey had been. What he wanted was to be with the people he loved.
The people who sustained him.
“Yes, please,” he said.
Raphael winked at Wyler, and got up from the table. He knew that the two men were going to be okay, and would fight the good fight for as long as they could.
Wyler against Cancer.
And Ethan against the darkness.
The Blackhawks would be fine.
They always were.