Chapter 11
CHAPTER ELEVEN
JD
Watching Sasha curl up on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and the remote in her hand did something funny to my chest. She looked perfectly at home here, and I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel about that. Or maybe it was what I’d seen earlier that was tying me into knots.
Her little foray into that pretzel bending, mind yapping yoga bullshit in the middle of my living room had set me off for no good reason. I’d seen her do it before, and while it was supposedly good for the body—it certainly made hers look good—that wasn’t the point.
Even the sight of her tits swinging free seemed minor compared to everything else. But the angry red scars covering pretty much every inch of her back and right arm, twisted something dark inside me that made me want to kill.
It was that same feeling I woke up with every morning, but ten times worse. The evidence of my failure to protect her had slapped me in the face—hard.
And since then I could barely register anything other than the need to gather her in my arms and kiss all that hurt and harm away. And no amount of hours away from her in my office was going to cure that feeling.
I couldn’t imagine the level of pain she must have endured while her body tried to heal from that. It told me volumes about her resilience and will to live, not to mention her strength. Half my men would have cried like a little bitch in that hospital room and I would have happily traded places with her if I could.
My chest ached imagining her pain. It wrapped around me and squeezed the air from my lungs, leaving only the bitter taste of violence behind.
However, her endless scrolling streaming programs worked to distract me, because it was driving me insane. “Sasha, pick something. You’ve been through this section three times already.”
The flash of frustration in her eyes was almost enough to make me smile. “I can’t find anything worthwhile. After spending more than a month in the hospital, I’ve seen everything I care to. I need something new.”
“Maybe television isn’t the answer. Would a soak in the hot tub help you relax?” I regretted the suggestion the second it left my mouth. The hot tub would mean a bathing suit, and seeing her in a bathing suit would make me think of sex, and then I would be the one going crazy.
“It would be incredible,” she moaned, the sound humming along all of my exposed skin, and making me groan. “But I don’t have a swimsuit. Most of my things are in my apartment at the bunkhouse that you won’t let me go back to.”
I scowled over at her. “I didn’t say you couldn’t go there at all. I just said you couldn’t live there right now. I need to keep an eye on you until—” I caught myself before revealing too much. Some details I had no intention of sharing. At least not yet.
“Until what?”
“Never mind,” I said, brushing off her question and moving back to the topic at hand. “We’ll go over to the bunkhouse tomorrow. Does that work?”
She nodded, but her fingers tapping on the remote told me she wouldn’t be easily placated.
“About that hot tub though…” She looked up hopefully and I continued, “I can give you a t-shirt and shorts you can wear. They’ll be too big, but they’ll be comfortable and you don’t have to worry about getting them wet.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah, I am. Hang on.” I disappeared into my bedroom and went to my chest where I kept my workout clothes. After rifling through the drawers for a few minutes I found a pair of shorts and a t-shirt that might work. I also dug out an ancient swimsuit from the very back and quickly changed into it. I then walked back to the living room and handed over what I’d gathered for her. “These should work. The shorts have a drawstring so you can pull them as tight as you need for them to stay up.”
She didn’t immediately respond. Instead, she sat there staring at me, her lips slightly parted, and her gaze laser focused on my bare chest. I might have stood a little straighter and smiled on the inside about her obvious appreciation. I worked my ass off to maintain my health and stamina as naturally as possible and it paid off in a way that I looked better than I had twenty fucking years ago.
“Sasha.” She jerked her attention to my face.
“What?”
“Here,” I pushed the clothes into her hands. “You can get dressed while I go out back and get the tub ready.”
“Okay,” she mumbled before disappearing into the guest room.
With a slight rumble of laughter moving within my chest, I made my way out to the covered deck where my custom-made hot tub awaited. When we’d built out this cabin I had it designed with all the elements that were important to me, which included a lot of custom details. Including this private oasis that houses an outdoor dining and grill area, my hot tub, and a Sauna room that used to be a small storage room attached to the back of the house.
This place had come a long way from the shitty shack it used to be. I grabbed the remote from the shelf that housed towels for hot tub use and pressed the buttons to both remove the hot tub cover and adjust the lights and jets. I rolled my head to loosen some of the stress building at the base of my skull. It had been too long since I’d spent some time out here and it was long overdue. My muscles were going to be happy campers.
That was the beauty of the secluded spot I’d built back here. It was a private escape where I could catch my breath when I needed to without going far or being out of pocket for the club.
“Wow. This is gorgeous. I can’t believe I didn’t know this was back here.”
I turned to find Sasha slipping quietly through the sliding door I’d left open behind me. As to be expected, my clothes were far too big for her. The shirt alone was so big that it covered the shorts and looked more like a short dress. They did a fair job of hiding her curves so I’d call it a mission success. In fact, if I was going to keep my mind out of the gutter when it came to her, she might need to dress like this more often. I thought about making the suggestion, but knew that would not go well.
“I don’t generally share this space with anyone else.” I hadn’t meant for my words to be so rough, but it was difficult to keep an even tone when my focus kept digressing back to her smooth legs. My hands were too dirty for the likes of them, but that didn’t stop me from fantasizing about touching them anyway. Even the pale pink polish on her toes caught my attention. There was a quiet beauty in that color that seemed different from the Sasha before.
I knew she’d played her part at the poker club well, but beneath that act laid a bold woman. And pale pink had never been the color of choice for her toes.
Thank fuck I didn’t have to admit to anyone else the extent of information I had memorized about this woman. No one else needed to know I’d gone from boss/employee to obsessed stalker in about two point three seconds flat. Nor did I want to explain why I’d taken to using my hand to slake my needs instead of finding a willing woman.
“Well, I definitely appreciate you sharing it with me,” she said quietly as she approached the steps. “Is it already hot?”
I nodded. “Yes, I keep it at the ready at one hundred and five degrees at all times. But I can turn it down if you’d like.”
“I’m starting to have second thoughts. The doctors did say the new skin would be sensitive to temperature and I didn’t think to ask about soaking in water.”
“Fuck,” I said, fishing my hands through my hair. “I should have thought of that.”
“Why? I didn’t exactly share any of what my doctor said to me. You aren’t a mind reader.”
“It makes fucking sense. I should have had Jeanne over here today to assess your situation and give me a report. I don’t want to fuck this up.”
She moved closer and touched my arm. “You’ve done more than anyone else would have, and it’s more than enough. I’ve had some time to think and if you really are okay with me staying here for a little while, I’d like to find something to do. If I can get back to work in some capacity, I can start adding to my savings. It shouldn’t take me long to have enough and then I won’t be a burden anymore.”
“Enough for what?” I asked, not liking the turn of this conversation at all.
“What?” She blinked up at me, confusion and whatever thought process she had going on clouding her eyes.
“You said it shouldn’t take you long to have enough. Enough for what?”
“Oh.” She cleared her throat. “Enough to put myself back out there. Move on. Find a new job and a place to live.”
Just the idea that she wanted to leave as soon as she could pissed me the fuck off. It took herculean effort on my part not to explode in anger. I don’t know why she made me so angry, but I did know that if I didn’t tread carefully, not only was I being a colossal dick, but she’d run like a jackrabbit.
Not that I wouldn’t enjoy the chase.
“You don’t want to stay with the club anymore? I thought you liked it here.”
“I did. I mean—I do. But…it’s just-it’s different now. I—my body…”
“Is as beautiful as ever.” I knew she wouldn’t believe me. Not as long as I could hear that pain and doubt in her voice. While I’d known to expect this, it still hurt like hell to see one of the most upbeat people I’ve ever met look so downtrodden.
She looked up at me like I was stupid or something a moment before she shook her head. “Don’t do that. We can’t pretend that what happened doesn’t affect my ability to work for the club in the same capacity as before.”
“I’m not fucking pretending,” I bit out.
“Well, you’re not being realistic either,” she fired back.
“Bullshit. You think that scar on your face is going to somehow make you less of a hostess at the casino? Trust me it won’t.”
“The casino isn’t even open,” she countered. “And I’m not sure when it does reopen if I can go back.”
My shoulders slumped in defeat. How could I argue with that? If being here made things harder for her…
“Maybe Patty could help.” The minute I said those words, I wanted to take them back. It seemed no one in my club liked it being suggested they should talk to a therapist.
“Fuck you. I shouldn’t have said anything. Or even come out here. I’m going back to my room.”
I grabbed her arm as she whirled around to go and pulled her back. She lost her balance and stumbled, but I was there to pull her into my arms. To my amazement, she didn’t fight my hold and instead her cheek landed on my chest and my chin rested on the top of her head. We stood like that for a long time. Her shoulders shook once in a while, but she made no other noise or movements.
“I’m sorry I said that. It came out a lot harsher than it was meant.” I brushed my fingers along the ice-cold skin of her arm and pulled her in a little closer to warm her up. “I just need to help.”
“I know,” she sighed.
“How about we forget I said it. Can we do that?” She shrugged, and I decided to take that—for now. “And since you seem ice cold, but can’t use the hot tub just yet. What about the dry sauna. It’s plenty warm in there.”
She lifted her head and tilted it so she was looking up at me and I immediately wanted to get lost in the blue depths of her dark eyes. “You have one of those here too?”
“I do. The guys seem to prefer the steam room we had installed in the clubhouse gym, but I like the dry heat. It’s a nice change from our weather here. So what do you say? Want to give it a shot?”
She smiled. “I do.”
I took a deep breath and let it out nice and slow. That smile was worth all the shit in the world, and I made the decision right then and there that I was going to do anything and everything I could to see it more often. If that meant I found her another job within the club, I’d fucking create something if I had to.
“C’mon. Let’s get you in the sauna and warm you up.” She started to turn out of my hold and I swooped down and swept her up into my arms so I could carry her.
She squealed in response. “JD. What are you doing?”
“Carrying you.” I laughed. “What’s wrong with that?”
Her smile got so wide she practically beamed and that puffed up feeling in my chest returned. She made me feel like a goddamned king with that look of almost worship on her face. It was a dangerous look, but for once I didn’t care. Her happiness was more important than my mental health.
“Nothing I guess. You just caught me by surprise.”
I shook my head, and reached out to open the sauna door. The humid heat hit us as soon as we entered as the cedar-scented air filled our lungs. I walked over to the wall where the controls were and flipped everything but the overhead lights on. I chose the soft amber glow of the low lights instead. This was my sanctuary and I wanted her to see just how relaxing it could be.
“Where would you like to sit?” I asked. “The bench? The built-in recliner?”
“Where do you usually sit?”
“Depends on my goals. Sometimes when my body is particularly sore, I just sit my ass on the floor until they get warm. Then I work through a series of stretches to make everything feel better. This old body has a lot of kinks and shit to work out.”
“Pffft.” She blew out a hard breath. “Old schmold. Old is nothing but a state of mind.”
“Okaaaay. Tell me that again when you start pushing fifty.”
“I like that you’re a lot older than most of the men around here. Maturity is not overrated.”
I nearly choked on my own laughter as I settled us together on the recliner. If I was going to hold her like this, we might as well get as comfortable as possible.
“You have a fetish for older men, Sasha?” I’d meant it as a joke, but the way her body went still and her laughter died, I guessed I’d hit the nail on the fucking head.
“You ask a lot of questions,” she observed.
“I like knowledge and the only way to have it is to ask questions. You have a problem with that, sweetheart?”
She shook her head. “Not typically. Although if you ask me something I don’t want to answer, I won’t. You should know that.”
“Everyone is like that. But it’s the questions you won’t answer that are the most telling. You should know that too. Anyone worth their salt will read between the lines and draw their own conclusions whether you like it or not.”
Her hand stirred on my chest, causing me to hold my breath. This whole thing might have been a huge mistake. But damn if she didn’t feel really good in my arms. And the way her fingers caressed the hair on my chest…
“I don’t have daddy issues if that’s what you’re thinking. I think you have to have a daddy to have issues about him.”
I winced. This was definitely not the direction or conversation I’d planned on at all. It was time to shut down this train before it got completely derailed.
“But you like older men?” I blurted out before I could stop myself, and nearly groaned. What the fuck was wrong with me?
“I like men who don’t act like overgrown children. It just so happens that in order to find that then yes, they do tend to be more worldly.”
I laughed. That was quite a funny way to state old. “I guess that makes sense. I remember how I was when I was young and single. I was pretty stupid until I found the thing that finally settled me. I didn’t know shit about shit back then. I let my dick take the lead and do all the talking.”
“Exactly. And that is not my speed at all.”
“You put too much faith in men if you think just because they are older they aren’t thinking with their dick though. That kind of shit never really stops. We just get better at hiding it from others.”
“Duly noted,” she laughed, although I wasn’t sure if she believed me.
“I’m serious, babe. I don’t think about sex any less than I did back then. I’m not sure I even have more control than I had back then.”
“So you still go around sticking your dick wherever you feel like it whenever you feel like it?”
“Yes,” I said without hesitation. Although the feel like it part was up for interpretation.
“Oh.”
I knew what kind of conclusion she’d just drawn, and as painful as it might be for both of us, it was for the best if I let her believe whatever she was thinking. The only way to keep her out of my bed would be for us both to exercise some restraint. Normally, I had all the willpower in the world. Except it seemed, when it came to her. I’d held her at arm’s length for as long as I could, but I didn’t think I could hold out for much longer. Not unless we both set some boundaries.
“How’s the heat level?” I asked, hoping to change the subject.
“It’s really good. For the first time in a while I actually feel warm. Doesn’t that sound crazy? You’d think after a burn I would want nothing to do with heat, but I can’t seem to get enough of it.”
With that, the memory of her that night flooded through my mind and the anger that had come with it tore through me. I had to find that fucking traitor soon. Little did he know that I’d found some evidence in the casino before we’d torn it down.
A black ski mask.
It had been half burned but we had sent it out for DNA testing at a lab in a different state. Once the results came back, we might finally have somewhere to start looking.
God help that mother fucker.