2. Callum
“That was so embarrassing.” Oliver held his face in his hands, shaking his head as he leaned back onto the table. “I almost passed out from an ice bath.”
“Key word being almost.” I tapped my foot, wishing I grabbed a shirt or something before volunteering to be stuck here with my teammate, soaking wet and cold as shit. “You’re not doing cocaine or steroids, right? We have meat gazers who watch us pee to test us.”
“Dude, what the fuck?” Oliver snapped his gaze to mine. “I’m not fucking doing either of those. Why would you even?—”
I grinned. “There you are, you prick. You’re mad now. See? I’m helpful.”
“Why do we put up with you?” He laughed, closing his eyes and leaning against the pale, yellow wall.
The painting job in this office was disgusting. With all the money we brought into the program, why in the ever-loving-hell had we not redone the color? Pale yellow was like a bad piss.
Way to think of everything besides Ivy, dipshit. Talk about piss walls more. That’s normal.
Ugh. I once read a stat (no, I was not a nerd like Ivy) that said not everyone had an internal monologue. It baffled me. Like, what? There were people just walking around, living life without an annoying voice in their head providing commentary on everything you did? What I would pay to have that: silence. No judgement from my subconscious.
No constant reminders of what happened with Ivy three years ago.
“I need to apologize to Ivy. I probably scared her, and dude, what if I fell on her? I could crush her, hurt her somehow. Man. This is the second time this has happened.”
So. Many. Things. To. Unpack. Being mature and a damn good friend, I focused on the most important even though Ivy was at the top of my mind. “What do you mean second time?”
“It was this summer. I passed out in June for like ten minutes. It was no big deal, and I was alone, but?—”
“Tell Doc this. I had no idea. This shit is dangerous. What if this happened while swimming, dude? Or on the field? You could get yourself killed.”
“Nah, I usually can tell when it’ll happen. There is this tingling feeling before. Plenty of time to prepare.” He waved a hand in the air, frowning hard. “It’s nothing to worry about.”
“You know the signs? Oliver, stop talking. You’re pissing me off. Now, where the hell is Frixton?” I barked, standing just as the door opened. “Hi, ma’am. Doc.”
“Callum.” Doctor Frixton was our team doctor. She was honestly a dream woman of sorts, with her vast knowledge of athletics, quick wit, and no-nonsense attitude. I wanted her to boss me around, and I would totally listen. She was also gorgeous, with fire red hair and large green eyes, but she was sadly married and had children of her own.
“Hi, Doctor Frixton, it’s me. I’m the problem.” Oliver gave her a sheepish smile.
“I’m here to make sure he didn’t pass out again,but I’m gonna leave so you two can figure out what the heck is going on. Please tell her, Oliver, that this isn’t the first time, and you know the signs before you pass out.”
“Dude,” Oliver yelled, his eyes large.
“Is this true?”
“Byeeee!” I darted out of the room, the voice in my head narrating my emotions for me. Annoyed that his friend could be sick or have something dark going on, Callum wanted to work out the stress but had other things to take care of. The other irritating thing in his life—Ivy.
The image of her holding Oliver up flashed in my mind, my own thoughts showing me a different outcome. Oliver falling onto her, crushing her, causing her to hit her head on the table corner. Shuddering, I clenched my teeth to stop it. With the consistent monologue in my head, my subconscious loved to go through what-if scenarios instead of living in reality. It was honestly exhausting, but it was how I worked. No use fighting it.
My footsteps pounded on the cement, goose bumps breaking over my chest and arms. As soon as I checked on Ivy, I’d get dressed. Without knocking, I walked into the restoration room to find her hands on her hips, lips pressed together, and her gaze zeroed in on one of the tubs.
Ivy’s focused. She wore her thoughts on her face all the time. Where I had an internal voice, hers was external with her myriad of facial expressions. She had looks for emotions I couldn’t even name, but seeing her I gotta figure this out expression right now hit me like a truck.
I used to know all her expressions. I used to know her rotation of bows she wore in her hair because I’d totally memorized them, but now, an aching sadness crept from my heart to my toes since my oldest childhood friend was no longer in my life.
And it’s your fault, dumbass!
I scoffed at my own thought, causing a sound loud enough for her to whip her gaze toward mine. Her large green eyes crinkled on the sides before they lit up with anger. Her left hand, the one she wore three rings on, fisted. “What are you doing?”
“Doc has Oliver. I wanted to make sure you were good.”
“Oh, really?” She laughed, but it was a horrible, crude sound. “So kind of you. Making sure I’m okay when you tell me I can’t do something. Appreciate the support.”
Heat spread down my body as I snapped back at her. “Are you so na?ve that you think you can actually carry a two-hundred-pound dude? I’m looking at you, and it’s not possible.” I eyed her up and down, not caring that her face flashed with hurt, not giving a fuck that I was taking it too far.
Ivy did that to me. Pushed my buttons just to mess with them again. I wasn’t cold anymore. I was hot. Angry. And the immature asshole I was, I wanted her mad too.
Her eyes flashed, her lips parting, and I tensed, almost excited for her wicked comeback. Ivy was smart as fuck, and I’d loved watching her verbally outwit the mean girls in high school. They couldn’t keep up with her in an argument, and I was ready for it. I wanted to see that Ivy again.
But she didn’t give that to me. She took a calming breath, somehow blinked away her anger, and pointed to the door. “I have more guys coming in. You should go get dressed and finish practice.”
What the hell? How can she just ignore me?
“Don’t wanna tell me off? Show me I’m wrong?” I goaded, desperate to see the old Ivy, the one I spent all my childhood with. The one I’d missed the last three years.
Come on, Ivy. Do it. I deserve your wrath.
She chewed her lip, like she always used to, and shook her head. Then in a monotone, emotionless voice, she said, “Honestly? You’re just not worth it.”
My ears rang with her jab, my stomach bottoming out with the worst sharp stabbing pain. I’m just not worth it. She gave me her back as she stood at the counter, her signal she was done with this conversation, and I wasn’t a total fool. I left.
The cold seeped into me again on the walk to the locker room, causing me to shiver despite the August heat still blasting central Illinois. I was in a daze really, showering and getting dressed, going through the motions. It was easy to banter with the team, to be a general pain in the ass to them.
I knew my role here. Hell, I knew it most places. I was the class clown, the tension diffuser, the one without feelings because I had everything going for me. Being the youngest child and only son, I’d had been the anti-dramatics at home, the goofball to make my mom and dad laugh. Well, that was before his affair. I didn’t want him laughing now. Here though? The season was tough, and guys had a lot to lose, so being an idiot to cheer them up came easily.
Flirting with women? That was an escape. Who didn’t enjoy feeling wanted? Desired? Being a little wild got me the validation I needed, but after living a positive-vibes only life for three years, Ivy’s reappearance knocked me on my ass. Especially her indifference.
“Everyone is buzzing about the back-to-school bash at the house tonight.” Xavier Jennings grinned at me before hitting my shoulder with his towel. “We have girls coming from out of town to try to score with us. Honestly, this is the best shit ever. Is it always like this?”
I laughed. “My dude, enjoy it. It can be if you want.”
Xavier was a sophomore who played his ass off. He’d moved into the football house this summer and was more fun than the older guys. Where they were jaded or getting cuffed, Xavier was entering his party and make questionable decisions era, and I was here for it. I remembered the absolute joy and freedom to go wild every night, to hook up with beautiful women, maybe more than one, and to live without regrets.
People assumed I was a dumbass party boy who slept around. I wasn’t any of those things in truth. Yes, I partied but was always aware of who was there or who was filming. I slept around, but I brought my own condoms, got tested regularly, and had a pulse on who wanted to stab me in the back.
I needed to have fun. Some would say I didn’t get enough attention as a child with three older sisters who were all rockstars and badasses in their own way, so partying was a way to get that. I called bullshit. (My older sister was a therapist now and wanted to unpack that, and that was a large, fat no thanks). For me, life was too short to be grumpy all the time. It was that simple. I wanted to live it up, make others feel good, have no regrets, and leave the sport better than when I came. It was senior year, my final year here on the field, and I refused to worry about after.
I was living in the now, enjoying it.
Even if you don’t know what you wanna do with your life?
Or the fact you have no plans after college?
Or the fact your dad wants to meet to “talk?” (Yes, my mind even uses finger quotations)
So why are you concerned about Ivy? She’s been out of your life for three years.
Solid question. They all were solid questions. I ignored them all like the good compartmentalizer I was.
I danced a little, wiggling the negative feelings out, while someone played music on their speaker. Focusing on the guys, I knew exactly what we needed. Our first game against Ohio was this weekend, and everyone was tense. Luca Monroe, our tight end, had to play the year of his life to get drafted high in the NFL.
Our quarterback, Dean Romano, wanted the same thing.
Xavier had to keep his scholarship, and Brady had deals coming in, preparing to be the new face of the team after us seniors left. Everyone was playing with something to lose, and that meant more stress, more serious tones, more anger when shit didn’t go their way.
Luca was pissed because he was off today. I also knew his grandma had a bad fall a few days ago, so he needed to let go of steam. I knew Jamison twisted his ankle today and was pissed about losing his starting spot to Patrick. I also knew Cooper wasn’t sure if he even wanted to stay on the team with the stress of school.
What do they need? What will help them?
“Okay, Wolves, I am hereby declaring football x-games at the football house. This afternoon, three o’clock. Walk, do not drive there, as there will be beverages. Team only, so don’t try to sneak in chicks.”
“Dude, that sounds lame,” someone said.
I pointed toward the direction of the voice. “I’m sorry, are you a senior? Do you know how to handle pre-game jitters for fifty dudes? No. You don’t. Shut your mouth and show up.”
“We can’t get injured with games, Callum,” Luca Monroe said, his face set in his permanent scowl. The poor dude needed to order from Frownies, wrinkle prevention kit, because the hard lines were so ingrained into his face. Lo, his girl, would get him to do it, but that was for another day. He glared at me now.
“Understood, boss. These will not be physically-taxing games, I swear.” I held up my hands, grinning at my housemates. They looked skeptical, but Dean nodded. “My dudes, we need to get supplies.”
“Supplies for what?” Xavier said, his joy radiating off his face. He was ready to party hard. “A keg? Beer?”
“Sure, but I was thinking more for a scavenger hunt.” My brain spun, thinking of challenges to complete. Maybe I was inspired by my girl Mack’s summer playbook she’d done all summer.
“That’s fucking lame.” Luca crossed his arms.
“Is it though? When you and your squad come in first place, will that feel lame? Or are you only imagining you losing to Brady or something?”
His eyes flashed, his competitive nature turning on. I knew these guys. I was a damn empath and good at this team unity shit. Luca was in, whether he realized it or not.
“Jesus.” He pinched his nose, and right on cue, he nodded. “Fine.”
Bingo. “Okay, here is what I’m envisioning…”
I went onto a quick description of the challenges, dividing everyone into teams of five to try to compete for the grand prize of all the items in the lost and found at the stadium. My guys were all in, so now I had to make sure Oliver was okay, buy the stuff, and forget about Ivy’s face when she said I wasn’t worth it.
Easy peasy. I was Callum O’Toole, the laidback, flirty, fun guy who played football and partied. I didn’t let my feelings get hurt because I didn’t have them. Ivy might be around this season for her internship, but that wasn’t gonna change my plans. She might’ve been in my past, but she wasn’t in my future. That was for damn sure.