21. Bella
Chapter twenty-one
Bella
I can’t seem to get my feelings under control.
I knew this was coming. The way Ellen talks about Mike makes it too obvious that she’s head over heels for him.
But I still thought I had more time.
They’re so happy, and I’m terrified that my expression will give away my feelings.
It’s not them that makes my heart clench.
I should be happy for them. Even as fast as it’s happening, they’re wonderful together, and I already know they’ll be deliriously happy.
But right now, at this moment, I can’t think of Ellen and Mike.
All I’m thinking of is how Steven proposed to me.
The ring I just gave back seems to weigh on my finger, as heavy as it was when I first put it on.
If I hadn’t just given it back today, would their news be hitting me this hard?
Perhaps, but I can’t make this moment about me. Right now, I should be jumping up and down, squealing with excitement.
I pull myself together, forcing a smile on my face. I rush over and hug Ellen from behind, hiding my face on her shoulder.
“You two are crazy,” I say, hoping the emotion in my voice comes across as happiness. “You’re just flying by the seat of your pants, aren’t you?”
Ellen laughs and pats my hands. “I know! We’ve been talking about it for a while. I meant to tell you before we got the ring, but then we saw it and it was just so perfect.”
I pull my face into the appropriate smile as I release her.
“It’s wonderful,” I say and I mean it. “You are going to be the most beautiful bride in the world.”
“Oh, I’m not sure about that,” Ellen hedges.
Mike laughs. “I’m going to have to agree with Bella on this one. You’re already the most beautiful woman in the world. Of course, you’ll be the most beautiful bride.”
Ellen hugs me again, then looks at me worriedly. “You’re not upset that I didn’t tell you sooner, are you?”
I shake my head. “I’m happy for you. Both of you. Though I hope we’re going to have time to design you the dress of your dreams before the wedding?”
“Don’t worry about that!” Ellen laughed. “I want the biggest, most expensive wedding we can dream up.”
“Anything for my darling,” Mike says.
I wonder, briefly, if his salary is more or less than Aaron’s.
Then I dismiss the thought. Ellen is wealthy in her own right, so nobody will break the bank for their elaborate wedding.
“There’s linguini in the fridge and the garlic bread is ready to toast,” I tell Ellen. “I really hate to duck out just after you shared this exciting news. But I’ve had a wicked headache all day.”
“You haven’t been drinking enough water,” Ellen accuses.
She knows me well. Usually, when I get headaches, it’s from dehydration. “I’m just going to go lie down for a bit. You and I are going to have to have one massive ice cream and spill session.”
“Next week, after your show,” Ellen says firmly. “Until then, we’re going to pretend like this is just any other piece of jewelry.
“Oh, sure,” I tease. “And Mike’s just some guy, right?”
Ellen gasps and throws her arms around him. “Never!”
Aaron laughs. “Go on and lie down, Bella. I know you’ve been dealing with that headache for a while.”
I smile, grateful that he’s helping me with this lie.
I head to my room as Ellen launches into telling Aaron all about how she knew the ring was the one as soon as she laid eyes on it.
Once alone, I close my eyes. Even though I know it’s a process to heal from my relationship with Steven, I never expected to have this sort of reaction.
I don’t want to have this sick feeling in my stomach.
Why is it there?
Not because I think Ellen and Mike are making a mistake.
No.
This is the same sick feeling I had when Steven proposed.
Despite everything, despite thinking I’ve finally cut out the last of the things that connect me to him, I’m wrong.
Because we share memories, and I can’t just get rid of them.
The dress form with my latest design draws my eye. I haven’t done any of the work I need to do today. Right now, I don’t feel like I have the strength to use my needle and thread.
But I pull a stool over anyway and put on some light background music.
As I’m working, my thoughts are consumed. Steven fades to the background as Aaron comes to the forefront.
Things between Ellen and Mike have gone very quickly. It’s the same with Aaron and me.
It hasn’t been so long since I broke up with Steven. Even though Aaron and I have decided that we aren’t in a relationship, is he still a rebound?
Aaron deserves better than this.
Have I made a mistake in moving this as far as I have? Or is it too early for me to have daydreams about kissing?
Or talking about future plans?
I snag the needle on the fabric and carefully free it, then inspect the damage. When I smooth it out again, there’s the tiniest remnants of the snag. Barely noticeable, but still there
Enough that I’m going to have to remove that section of fabric and replace it, or do something to cover it up.
Is that me? Are there pieces of me that I need to replace?
A knock comes on the door, jolting me from my thoughts. I quickly put the needle aside and answer it.
Aaron stands on the other side. He holds up a water bottle.
“Ellen sent me to make sure you’re going to hydrate,” he says, his voice low. “They’re heating up their food. Are you okay?”
I take the bottle and hold the door open a little more. “Come in?”
He steps into the room and glances around. His gaze lands on the bed, then quickly moves over to the dress form I was working on.
“Is this all the space you have for this?”
I put the bottle on my nightstand. “I’m alright.”
He turns back to me, his expression soft. “I know you weren’t expecting that.”
“Not so soon. I got the feeling that Ellen’s been dancing around telling me she’s unofficially engaged for a few days now.” I shrug. “Honestly, I think the main thing is that I’m just tired. It’s been a very emotional day.”
Aaron nods slowly. “If you need to talk, you can call any time.”
I smile, but that’s not true. I can call at reasonable times.
Anything else would be putting relationship pressure on him.
“I mean it,” he adds, as though he can see the thoughts in my head.
“I know you mean it,” I assure him.
After he’s gone, I change into my pajamas and collapse onto my bed.
It’s not a matter of whether or not Aaron means it. It’s not a matter of whether or not he wants to be there for me.
I know he does.
I know that he’ll come to my rescue in a heartbeat. That’s the sort of man he is, and I couldn’t be more grateful for that.
The thing is, I don’t know what it means for me. If he’s there to fix my problems or listen to me bewail my situation, how long until he’s tired of listening to me?
There’s value in being able to reach out to other people, but I still need to figure out how to deal with these situations on my own.
Part of me wonders if the reason I want Aaron around is because I want to give up and just let him take care of me.
Another part wonders if I’m jealous that Ellen has found an instant connection.
All in all, I’m overwhelmed. Everything is up all at once, and this friendship with Aaron, which isn’t fully a friendship and isn’t fully a romance, is just making me all the more confused.
I need to take a step back. Find my balance again. Figure out exactly how much time my career is going to take, and then decide if I have time for a man.
Right now, all I know is that it would be far too easy for me to rely on Aaron for everything, from emotional comfort to problem-solving.
So I need to take a step back. Put a little distance between us. Now is the right time for it. I’m constantly drawn to him, but with how busy we both are, it’s only natural for us to have that extra space.
I don’t want to have this continual confusion about what I want with my relationship—whatever that may be—with Aaron.
Focus on getting the show done.
Focus on moving on from Steven.
Focus on being happy for Ellen.
We agreed neither of us were ready for a relationship. So it’s high time I stop acting like Aaron is my boyfriend and treat him as I would any other friend instead.