23. Bella
Chapter twenty-three
Bella
It’s midnight.
I need to sleep.
Tomorrow is the last day of my preparations, though. Then I’ll have mere hours to make sure everything is ready.
I stand back, inspecting my last design from all angles. It’s a masculine-cut suit jacket with floral embroidery on the lapels.
The concept is supposed to be something fairly gender-neutral. Considering what I normally design, the look isn’t very feminine.
As I look at it, though, I can just imagine men looking at me with disgust. You dare try to dress me in flowers?
Oh, boy.
Plenty of men enjoy floral accents. This embroidery is so dark it almost matches the color of the jacket. It reminds me of the fantastic costumes the men wore in that fantasy movie Aaron and I saw.
It doesn’t matter if some people won’t like it. Some people will, right?
I realize that my vision has become unfocused because I’m staring too hard.
Time for a break.
I head out to the kitchen, rubbing my itchy, dry eyes. The start of a headache pushes at my temples, so I run a glass of water.
This is going to work. I won’t give up when everything is so close. Tomorrow I’ll take one last look at the design I’m working on. Then I’ll hand it over to the tailors to fit it to my model, and I’ll have gotten them all done.
From then on, I’ll have to work on the logistics. The non-design stuff.
And I want so badly to call Aaron. I want to unload on him all my fears but also hear about how his event is coming along.
I wish there was a way for me to be there for him. And for him to be there for me.
Maybe, depending on how well our individual events go, we’ll be able to meet up afterward.
Maybe, after this show is over and I finally get a full night’s sleep… well, I’ll think about the possibilities once that’s happened.
For the time being, I need to hydrate myself and go to bed.
“Careful, you might drown yourself chugging like that,” Ellen says.
I glance over and lower the glass of water. “I’m having a drinking contest. If I can drink this faster than I drink it, then I can have another one and go to sleep before I have to pee.”
Ellen snickers. “I’m not even going to try to make sense of that. I saw your light was still on. Are you going to bed soon?”
“Soon,” I promise. “Just as soon as I finish drowning.”
Ellen nods her approval. “Anything I can do to help?”
As she brushes her hair behind her ear, her ring catches the light.
“Maybe I should take my mind off work.” I finish my glass and refill it. “Have you been thinking about what sort of dress you want?”
“Oh, I’m thinking something with a huge, poofy skirt. Or maybe something sleek and sexy. So, you know.” She laughs. “Either a Cinderella princess dress or something like what Jessica Rabbit wears.”
I squint. “I can make it work so you have both.”
Ellen grins. “Oh, somehow I bet you can. But that’s not going to be awhile yet. Sometime next week we need our ice cream and strawberry wine and to flip through wedding dress catalogs.” Her expression falters. “That is, unless—”
“I want to do that, too,” I quickly interrupt.
“Unless it’s too hard for you,” she finishes anyway.
I look away. “I’m happy for you.”
“You can be happy for me while also admitting some things are still too soon,” Ellen says.
My shoulders slump. “Honestly? I won’t know if it’s too soon until after this stress is over. I understand now why you dragged me out to Castleton. I thought I needed to keep my hands and mind busy to get over Steven. But it seems like when I’m busy, I can’t figure anything out.”
She nods, her expression hovering between sympathetic and ‘I told you so.’
“I think, if you hadn’t made me go, I would have gone back to him,” I admit, ashamed.
Ellen pulls me into a tight hug. “I don’t think so. Not this time. But here’s the thing—we don’t have to worry about what might have happened because it didn’t.”
I hug her back, grateful for her support.
“Besides, you’ve given me a new project now.”
I lean back, frowning at her. “What do you mean?”
Her eyes sparkle. “I told you that Mike and I are going to set you up with Aaron.”
“Ellen!” I groan, stepping away from her. My stomach knots. “I don’t want you to joke about that.”
Ellen’s expression grows serious once more. “Okay. I won’t joke about it. But… well, it’s late, so I should let you sleep. Right?”
I glare at her, though I’m not upset. More resigned. I know this is something that’s been bothering her for some time now.
“Spit it out,” I say.
“You and Aaron. You’re pulling away from him deliberately, aren’t you? Because you’re worried about it being too soon after Steven. And because you’re confused about your feelings and his. You want to be with him, and that scares you.”
I wrap my arms around my waist. “When did you learn how to read my mind?”
“Oh, when we were three,” she quips back.
“That’s a long time.”
Ellen grins. “My point is, I know all the reasons why you’re holding yourself back. And to that, I have to say this: Aaron is not Steven. Aaron won’t take advantage of you, and he’s not the sort of man that will let you take advantage of him.”
“I know Aaron isn’t Steven. That’s the problem!” I throw my hands into the air, feeling dramatic but unable to stop myself. “Because he’s Aaron and I’m still me. I’m still the person who always makes mistakes when it comes to relationships.”
“Steven wasn’t the first guy I picked who turned out to be a total jerk. And Aaron isn’t the first good man I messed things up with,” I babble, trying to get all the words out before I shut down. “He’s a good man, Ellen. And I’m going to hurt him.”
Ellen once more pulls me into a tight hug. “You’ve grown more than you give yourself credit for.”
I bury my face into her shoulder, breathing in her familiar scent. Ellen has been my best friend forever.
“What if I’m just latching onto him because I’m losing you?” I whisper.
“Honey, you’re not losing me. You could never lose me. You’re my best friend and as much of my soulmate as Mike is.” Ellen squeezes me again and steps back. “Things are changing, sure, but I’ll always be here.”
Tears burn my eyes.
“You don’t have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with,” Ellen reassures me. “But I do think you’re pulling away too hard out of fear this time.”
“You might be right.”
“I’d say of course I’m right, but I’ll remain humble,” she says, sarcastically.
It’s enough to make me groan. “I can’t wait until I’m back to myself. I should be the one making sarcastic quips, not you.”
Ellen nods in agreement.
“Imogen and I are meeting tomorrow. We’ll be going through everything for the show. Maybe I’ll bring up getting an assistant for me so I have less on my plate,” I muse.
“I also think it would be a good idea to pop into the charity dance, regardless of your doubts about Aaron.”
My eyes widen. “I can’t. There’s too much.”
“If Imogen is as inspired as you say, she’ll be able to spare you for one hour. Fifteen minutes to get there, fifteen minutes back, which leaves you half an hour to see everything,” Ellen says firmly. “And I’ll have my butt in a seat for your show. I promise you that.
I chew my lip. The way everything is scheduled, the show doesn’t start for an hour after Aaron’s dance.
There might be a way for me to stop in, briefly.
Ellen takes both my hands in hers. “Bella, I want you to know that you have a support system. Me, Aaron, Mike, Imogen. There are more people in your life rooting for you to succeed than you realize. And we want to help you.”
Oh, here come those tears again. I clear my throat, nodding.
“Remember you can reach out for help. You’re allowed to ask for things for yourself,” Ellen continues. She hugs me tightly once more. “You’re not a burden.”
I hug her back. Right now, I feel so seen! It’s as though I didn’t even know I needed to hear her words until she said them.
We break apart and Ellen wipes her eyes.
“Now, go to bed and get some sleep,” she orders.
I laugh and salute her. “Yes, Ma’am.”
It was a strange talk, I think as I head to my room. But as the tiredness crashes over me, my whole body relaxes.
It was a strange talk, but a good one as well.