Chapter 7
Austin
My name being called pulls me awake, but I’m confused and on our plush couch. Gray’s doe eyes stare at me with concern, and his hair is pulled back but not all in the band.
“Are you all right? Are you hurt?” He yanks the blanket off me as if he’ll see an injury.
“I’m fine,” I mutter and stand to hug him. It was a horrible night. “Are you okay?”
“I must look like total shit to get an impromptu hug,” he jokes, and I clutch him tighter and inhale his warmth.
As I hit a new low in self-pity, the universe reminds me that life isn’t all about me.
Before the game, Leo was on the ice to coach Benz and got hit in the face with a puck.
Grayson went with him to the hospital, and I tried to wait up but must’ve dozed off.
It’s time to let go of him, but my arms won’t cooperate.
They really fucking think Grayson belongs in them. Look at me, blaming my arms.
“How’s Leo?” I ask, holding on as if my life depends on him.
“He’ll be fine, had surgery on his broken jaw, and it will be wired shut for a few weeks.” He gives me a squeeze of reassurance.
“Tonight was a disaster. I envy how calm you can stay in an emergency because I lost my shit and yelled at Benz and Griff.” I sigh when he extracts himself from my hold to sit on the couch where I was sleeping.
“That’s the least of their concerns.”
“No. Of course. I didn’t mean to make it about me.
Just saying I’m not good in an emergency like you.
” I cringe at my words, not even saying what I mean.
If a puck can take Leo down in the blink of an eye, it could happen to Gray.
He doesn’t have protective gear. Maybe I should bring that up with the front office.
Everyone on the sidelines should wear protective pads.
Could be genius or an overreaction. But the thought of it happening to Gray guts me.
“You’re not making it about you. But I checked the team portal, and it didn’t list you as injured, so I got worried seeing you sleeping on the couch.”
“I was waiting for you,” I admit. Falling asleep on the couch is so rare for me that I can’t remember the last time it happened. I like my bed and sleep too much to spend an uncomfortable night in the living room.
“Go to bed. We can talk in the morning.” He yawns and his head flops back on the couch.
“If you’re too tired…” I won’t pressure him to talk if he’s not awake, but I’m also afraid I’ll lose my nerve. We live together, so it’s going to sound ridiculous to admit I miss him. He’s right here.
“I’m awake. Being with Benz is like a shot of caffeine. It’ll take me a few minutes to get off that high.” His head tips to the side to assess me and he frowns. “You’re not fine. Tell me what’s going on.”
All I have to do is open my mouth and tell the truth. But I don’t. “If Benz was there, then I should’ve been there.”
“Nope. Benz wasn’t there to represent the Enforcers, but that’s not my story to tell. Don’t change the subject. You’ve shut me out, and I hate it.” He re-situates himself so he’s facing me, and his knee bumps my thigh. “Sorry about that.”
“It’s not good when you apologize for accidentally touching me.
Can we go back to how we were before Vegas?
” It’s the only solution to ensure I don’t harm him.
He knows what I’m capable of, and I’m shocked he’s upset about me keeping my distance.
He experienced my violence, and it cost him a career in the NHL. I’ve already taken too much from him.
“I have too many questions for that. You purposely avoid talking about our night together as if it didn’t happen, and I feel terrible. I knew you were drunk and should never have taken advantage of you. Clearly you weren’t sober enough for consent, and I’m afraid you’ll never forgive me.”
The pain in Gray’s eyes stops me cold.
“Wait. What?” He shouldn’t apologize when I’m the one who left marks on his body. I broke the skin on his shoulder like a demon. Even if he had taken advantage of me, I deserved it for all I’d done to him. “I started it, so you didn’t read the situation wrong. And of course it happened.”
“Austin, you pointed at the bed and denied what happened. I understand dealing with what we did together might be difficult for you, but we have to be honest if we’re going to get past it.” He reaches for my arm but lets his hand drop to his lap.
I’m shaking my head as if I disagree, but he thinks I’m upset about what we did, not how I hurt him. “I’m so sorry, and I don’t remember saying that. You’re the last person in the world I would intentionally harm, but I physically hurt you. My life is a mess without you.”
Not only is he my best friend, but he takes care of me in a way no one else ever has. He came up with a system for me to drop my keys and wallet in the same place, instead of searching for the random places I leave them. And the man picks up my room. He’s a saint.
Grayson snorts a laugh and falls back onto the couch’s armrest. “You are Mr. Perfect. You’ve got a seriously sick job, the team loves and respects you, and you’ve got the world at your feet. I don’t do anything for you.”
I clear my throat to tell him he’s dead wrong without offending him.
“G.” He sits up at my use of the nickname and broken tone.
“I couldn’t do any of this without you.” I see he wants to argue, so I take his hand.
“From the day we met, you never wanted anything from me. I can be myself with you and not worry about my mood or how I filter my words or needing alone time.” The irony that isn’t true at this moment isn’t lost on me, but protecting him is more important.
“Then don’t filter yourself now. Tell me why you’re so upset.” He laces our fingers and shifts closer so his bent leg rests against mine. The leg contact is incidental, but it goes straight to my groin.
“I told you, I hurt you.” I fail to keep the frustration out of my voice.
“This isn’t about my feelings—”
“Your feelings!” I throw my hands in the air. “G, I broke your skin and left welts all over your body!” And worse, I recall his flavor on my tongue every single day.
He tilts his head in confusion. “But that was my favorite part. I mean, after you put your mouth on me, and after sliding your dick between my cheeks and after stroking us together and coming all over each other, then it was my fave.” His lopsided grin appears and steals my breath.
My mind reels. “How could you like that? I totally disregarded your consent and treated you like…like…I disrespected you.” There. That’s mostly the truth.
Grayson stares at me for a long time. So long that I have the urge to run away.
“Do you judge men who bottom?” he asks, and I flinch at the abrupt change of subject.
“I think everyone gets to decide for themselves what they want to do. It’s not my place to tell anyone what they should or shouldn’t do during sex.” That seems obvious but whatever.
Grayson raises an eyebrow.
He doesn’t say anything.
We gaze at each other expectantly.
He bites the inside of his lip, waiting. Waiting for me to do or say something.
I bury my eyes in the crook of my elbow. “I judged you for what you like.”
“Are you or are you judging yourself?” he murmurs.
“I lost control and you know…” I wave my other arm in his direction.
“Austin Lapointe,” he full-names me in a stern voice. “Look at me when I say this.”
I breathe deeply, drop my arm, and meet his gaze.
“I enjoy rough sex. Do you know how hard it is to find a person capable of manhandling me? I’m a big dude, so it ain’t easy. I. Love. It.” He pokes me in the chest as he says the last three words.
I nod, at a loss, and he lets out an indignant hum.
“Listen, during team dance parties, you must have seen Lucky’s body.
You can’t miss the fact that Drake makes it his mission to cover him in bite marks.
Benzy blushes and grins like a fool when we call out his purple bruises.
They love how their partners show their possessiveness.
It’s only a problem if one person likes it and the other doesn’t.
I loved it.” He exposes his shoulder, and the skin that used to be red and raw only has a tint of yellow.
I touch it to make sure it’s real and not covered in makeup or something.
“Do you trust me?”
“With my life,” I say seriously.
“Then trust me to tell you if you’re crossing a boundary. We didn’t talk about safe words or anything, but I promise I’ll tell you if I don’t like something.” His shirt covers his shoulder again, and I’m torn.
Part of me hates what I did, and another part is disappointed my teeth marks are gone.
“Tinny, I’m a tough guy. A few marks don’t hurt. In fact, they were a huge turn-on. I took a picture to remember it.” He shows me his phone, and I recognize the ornate mirror from Vegas.
The tightness in me unravels, hearing him call me Tinny, but looking at his bruises is too much. “But I can’t trust myself with you.” The truth is dragged from my depths as I expose my shame.
“Don’t say that because of me. If you didn’t enjoy what we did, that’s different. But I would put my life in your hands, and I trust you. If I had asked you to stop, without a doubt, you would’ve.”
I wish I had his confidence. This isn’t solely about sex. The darkness in me overrides my rational brain. “I want to believe you.”
“Have I ever led you the wrong way?” he asks with a chuckle because, as my copilot, he’s gotten us lost several times.
“I don’t mind following you, even if it’s in the wrong direction.” It’s nearly dawn and my eyes are heavy, but this is too important to stop talking. “What do we do now?”
Gray opens his mouth but closes it and rolls his lips in. “I’ll answer that when I can think of something that isn’t about your dick.”
“You like my dick?” I ask the stupidest question ever. I blame my brain malfunction on exhaustion from the game, stress, and grogginess from waking up in the middle of the night.
He pumps his eyebrows but then gets serious. “Tinny, New Year’s Eve blew my mind, and although I’d hate to walk away from amazing sex, our friendship is more important to me. I will do whatever you want.”
“That doesn’t seem fair.” My eyelids are so heavy my blinks last too long, and I struggle to form a convincing argument.
“I get to decide what’s fair for me.” He stands. “You’re exhausted and not in the right frame of mind to make decisions. We’ll talk in the morning.” Gray scoops me up in his arms and carries me to my bed.
“It really is kinda hot to be manhandled.” I loop my arms around his neck, and he kisses my temple. Suddenly, I’m not so tired, but even more confused about what to do.
No, I have to stay strong and keep Gray safe from me.