Chapter 11
Austin
King’s statement about being queer is all over the internet. His quote has been taken out of context and restated as if he doesn’t think the men on the Enforcers understand the concept of queerness.
I’m fighting the urge to text the reporter and chew her ass out. She posted his incomplete answer for the shock value.
Leaning on our kitchen island, I run a hand over my face and text King.
Me: Want me to come over?
King: Nah
King: Finn’s here
King: I’ll text if I need backup
Me: We have your back
Gray stumbles out of his room with his hair a tangled mess around his shoulders and crease marks on his face from the pillow. He’s adorable.
“Hey.” He pours himself a cup of coffee. “Did you tuck me in last night? I remember reading, but then I woke up with the lights out and my e-reader on the nightstand.”
“King’s getting crucified.” I change the subject. I had a moment of weakness and spilled my guts to him. No more drinking for me because it makes me forget why I can’t have Gray. It’s fitting I burned my tongue on the coffee this morning like karma telling me to keep my mouth shut.
Grayson pauses with the mug halfway to his mouth. “He played great.”
“The press is saying he’s accusing his teammates of being clueless about being gay or bi. Finn’s with him.” I don’t look at Gray because he might see the lust in my eyes. His stance has created an opening in his boxers, and I lick my lips at the thought of tasting him again.
“Finn will calm him down and develop a strategy to change the narrative.” He moves closer, and I stand to pace. “Are you going over there?”
“No, King said he’ll text if he needs me.” I flap my hand as if it’s easy for me to stay out of it.
“He won’t. Let’s take him to dinner later. Or we could invite the guys here and not make it a big deal.” Gray looks like he wants to say something else, but he doesn’t.
Our phones buzz simultaneously.
Trevor: Dinner at our place
Trevor: 7pm no excuses
Trevor: Bring significant others
Lucky: Daddy Drake loves being my plus one
Benz: No sex talk in the group chat
King: Is this my fault?
Me: Team bonding before we hit the road
Drake: Benzy said no sex talk
Me: *eye roll emoji*
“Looks like Trevor had the same idea.” Grayson drains his mug and sets it on the counter with a thunk. “We should talk about what Leo said.”
A pit opens in my stomach, threatening to swallow me whole. “Why?”
His mouth falls open. “Really? Are you going to pretend our situation has nothing to do with what he said?” The disappointment in his voice rings clear.
I can’t think of a proper response that doesn’t give away my feelings for him.
“Tinny.” He stands in front of me, with his big brown eyes imploring me to listen while his inviting aroma surrounds me. “Don’t you think it’s hypocritical to say you accept my sexuality but refuse to accept yours?”
I blink rapidly, digesting his words. “That’s not the issue.” The words are out before I realize the ramifications.
“No? You spend a night with me, acting like you can’t get enough, but then tell me it’s not what you want. It seems like you’re in denial.” Compassion softens the harshness of his words.
I’ve dug myself a hole, and it’s filling in around me. The truth isn’t an option. Keeping him away from me for his own good is the only way.
I clear my throat. “You’re right. You should be with someone who is proud of their preferences and isn’t a hypocrite like me.” My chin sticks out to give the illusion of confidence.
“Talk to me,” he begs, ignoring my statement.
“There isn’t anything to say. You’re right, and that’s another reason why we’re better off as friends.” I choke the words out in a rush, hoping I sell the lie.
“You don’t mean that,” he murmurs, coming closer. I back up and shake my head as he reaches for me. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s me.”
I refuse to make eye contact as if that will ward him off.
One warm hand lands on my hip and the other lifts my chin so I’m forced to see him.
“If you can look me in the eye and honestly tell me you don’t want me and only want to be friends, I’ll never bring it up again.” His eyes are searching mine. Digging for the truth that I can’t give.
“G, don’t make this harder than it already is.” I lower my eyes.
“Harder because you don’t feel the same as I do or because you want me as much as I want you?” he asks, still holding my chin.
I don’t want to lie anymore.
He deserves so much better than me.
Someone who won’t hurt him or drag him into the darkness. Someone who won’t cause him bodily harm.
“When we were in the elevator in Vegas on the way to your room, I had to restrain myself from humping you in public. I wanted to rub myself all over you so I’d smell like you and you’d smell like me. The way you kissed me felt like ownership and coming home.”
My cock loves his words and has plumped up, hoping for some attention.
“Kissing you was an electric shock and a soft caress. Look at me and tell me you’re fine never kissing me again.” His voice dares me.
“I can’t,” I wail, disappointed in myself and petrified I’ll let him down.
He slides his hand over to cup my balls, and my dick tents my sweatpants. There’s no hiding my arousal.
“This feels like a sign you’re dying to put your lips on mine. Or maybe you’d prefer my lips stretched around your cock.” It jumps and he chuckles. “You lie with your words, but your body tells a different story. If you tell me no, I’ll stop.”
I’m weak for him, but with my last shred of sanity, I rip myself out of his grip. “I can’t be with you. Ever. It doesn’t matter what we want. You’re not safe with me.” I’m panting, and my chest heaves as if I’ve been skating for hours.
“Tell me why.” He tries to get closer but stops when a broken sound leaves my throat.
I tug at my hair, but the strands are too short to really pull. “Take my word for it,” I say in exasperation.
“No.” He stares at me unblinkingly.
I flinch, taken aback. “No? You can’t say that.”
His mouth turns up. “I just did. Here’s the thing, I would be a terrible friend if I let this go.”
“A terrible friend?” I repeat with my one working brain cell. I should retreat to my room and hope he forgets about this. But he won’t, so I stay where I am.
“Yes, we’re friends first, and my friend”—his crooked smile makes my heart stutter—“is concerned about causing me harm. A friend wouldn’t let you suffer, so I’m offering my help.”
“That won’t work.” I stride away and flop on the couch, wishing I could make him understand.
“How do you know if you don’t try? The Austin Lapointe I know would never give up without maximum effort first.” He sits close enough for our legs to touch, and his are bare.
“You can’t dare me into having sex.” I shift away and then back because this is innocent and I’m allowing myself this tiny piece of him. This minimal contact from my forbidden friend.
Gray’s laughter spreads over me like honey. “I’m not daring you; I’m stating facts.” His smile falls away. “Tinny, you don’t trust yourself. It’s not like you, and I’ll do whatever I can to help you figure this out.”
“I trust you,” I say. It sounds like a simple statement, but it’s not. Trusting someone the way I trust Gray is a once-in-a-lifetime bond. We have years of good and bad times we’ve been through, depending on each other.
Gray picks up my wrist, and at first, I’m confused, but he holds up his hand and muscle memory takes over as we go through the friendship handshake we thought was so cool when we were eleven.
“Without words, you knew what to do. I trust you the same way you trust me.” He cuts me off before I can object. “You’ve earned that trust. If you’re concerned, I’m concerned. We can work through it.”
If I tell him about what’s inside me, he’ll think I’m crazy. We could end up on a reality exorcist show. The taglines for two hockey players trying to find love but who need a quick exorcism are endless: Darkness puts love on thin ice or Ice and hellfire combust, injuring an Enforcer’s player.
“Why are you smiling?” His hand rubs my knee. Lucky knee.
“You’ll have me committed to the psych ward if I tell you.” My body betrays me, and I lean into him.
“There’s nothing you can tell me that will change how I feel about you.”
Once, I tried to tell my mom, but she said speaking like that was inviting the devil in. Grayson won’t think that.
“I’m guessing whatever is going on isn’t going away. You don’t need to deal with it alone. If hockey has taught you anything, I hope it’s that you’re stronger as a team. Let me be on your team.” His earnest eyes innocently ask the impossible.
“Compromise,” I say slowly, thinking it through. He can’t get too close, but if he understands, it might help me deal with it.
“Of course.” He scoots closer so the shin of his bent leg rests along my thigh.
I close my eyes and take a long breath in. Trust is one of the hardest things to give.
“I’ve told you that in the past I’ve been angry and sort of black out and don’t know what I’ve done.
” His silence allows me to gather my courage and keep speaking.
“It’s more than anger. I have this darkness inside me that I keep locked away.
Sometimes it comes to the surface, and whenever it does, bad things happen to people I care about. ”
Gray’s facial expression doesn’t change, and he doesn’t move away.
“And you’re afraid of it,” he states as a fact, but I am compelled to answer.
“Yes, wouldn’t you be?” I snap and regret it.
“I’d never choose something that I thought would hurt people. Tell me more…like the first time and what you remember about the times it’s happened.”
He’s even closer, with our shoulders touching, and it strengthens my resolve to tell him what he wants to know.
“The first time was when my sister broke her arm. She’d been following me around all day, and I was sick of her.
I climbed a tree, knowing she wouldn’t be able to reach the branches to get to me.
She tried anyway, and I laughed at her attempt to keep climbing.
I knew she’d get hurt, but this thing in me, this darkness I can’t control, wanted to see her hurt.
Knew that if she got hurt bad enough, she wouldn’t bug me all the time. ” I hang my head in shame.
“What kind of monster wants to see his little sister get hurt? I was supposed to protect her.” My throat tightens, and it’s hard to swallow.
Gray tugs me to his chest, and I realize I’m crying.
“That must’ve been hard to deal with as a kid.
You had a role in the family but also wanted some alone time.
” His hand coasts up and down my spine. “I know from personal experience you need your downtime to recharge. You probably didn’t understand that as a kid and didn’t have the language to ask for what you needed. ”
“Don’t excuse what I did. I made my sister fall and break her arm.”
My chest flutters with his insight. I’d never explored the reasons I needed to get away from her.
“I’m not. It’s called perspective.”
I don’t argue that it wasn’t an accident because I knew what would happen. He nudges me to keep talking.
“I can feel it coming out. It winds around my heart, squeezing in and getting pumped throughout the rest of my body. It’s black and sinister and wants to consume me and feeds on hurting people.” Not seeing his face makes it easier to say.
He tries to let go of me, but I cling to him.