Chapter 23
Austin
As the streetlights streak by, I wonder if I’ve done something wrong. Gray’s been off all night, and I haven’t been able to get him alone.
We share a ride with Drake and Lucky, delaying my ability to get answers. The night was an enormous success since we raised over a million dollars for our charities: The Q Solutions, NYC Food Pantry, and youth hockey leagues.
I had big plans for tonight since practice isn’t until the afternoon and we don’t have any major injuries that require Gray to go in early. But now I wonder if he’s having second thoughts.
Dating a pro hockey player isn’t very glamorous, and he knows that. It’s more headache than fun.
I rub my eye sockets with my palms. Not having Gray in my life isn’t an option, but it’s so much more complicated than two people falling in—
I cut off my thought. I’m getting ahead of myself. Of course I love him, but I can’t have fallen all the way this fast. I’m so far gone I can’t think straight, or not-straight in this case. Being unable to read him is making me crazy. It’s too soon to be in love in love. Right?
I’ve hit a new low in a conversation with myself.
“Trevor gave you the toned-down version of matching roommates,” Drake says stoically, not a question but a statement out of the blue.
The car pulls up to our building.
“We didn’t even realize until someone pointed it out.”
The driver releases the automatic locks.
“All the gossip sites will ship you tomorrow so have fun tonight,” Drake deadpans, and Lucky cackles like a hyena.
“Sugar, you are not subtle.” Lucky falls into Drake’s lap, laughing.
Gray’s already out of the car, and I hurry after him. “Are you okay?” I ask.
The elevator doors shut, and he turns to me. “Do they know about us?” His voice sounds odd.
“I didn’t say anything.” All I want to do is reach out and hug him, but he’s closed off. The words to ask if it would be so bad die on my tongue.
“If Lucky said something, I’d assume he’s busting our balls, but Drake…” He trails off and won’t make eye contact.
“What’s wrong?” My heart is in my throat, waiting for his answer.
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?” The word rattles around my brain with sharp edges slicing through my confidence.
We enter the apartment in silence, and I hate this divide between us. He shrugs out of his jacket and tosses it over to the couch. Gray paces and each step increases my anxiety. I’m the pacer. He’s the calm one.
“I’m weighing you down. Tinny, I can’t be the person to hurt you or your career.” He spins around with glassy eyes.
“Don’t say that.” I gather him in my arms, holding him like I can prevent him from leaving me.
“I need you.” My voice comes out thick with emotion.
I spent years depriving myself of physical contact because it was a void I couldn’t fill.
Grayson fills that void, and I can’t go back to the way things were.
“You don’t need me,” he scoffs, and his breath washes over the crook of my neck.
Arguing would be useless, so I hug him until his body relaxes into mine.
“Did someone say something to you?” I untuck his shirt to touch the bare skin on his back. He seemed fine before we left, and nervous when we got there, but nothing extreme enough to change our relationship.
“No. The timing isn’t right for us.”
“That’s bullshit.” I step back and grip his shoulders so I can see his face. “Tell me the truth.”
He won’t get away with lying to my face. Gray’s been adamant I confront my issues, so he needs to tell me what’s really going on.
Gray sits on the couch with his head in his hands and explains all the ways he isn’t the right partner for me and compares himself to the team’s significant others.
“Could you picture me in a relationship with Trevor? Or Leo? Or any of the wives like Jayce’s Madyson?
” Amusement seeps into my voice. “I’d need my alone time, and Trevor would follow me around in fix-it mode.
I’d never be able to look Griff in the eye if I slept with his dad.
And Madyson makes everyone sing karaoke.
I wouldn’t survive any of them. I don’t want you to be like them, G.
You’re my Sunshine and know me better than I know myself. ”
He drops his hands into his lap, but his eyes are haunted. “What about your family?”
It’s a gut punch and further proof of how well he knows me. I sink down next to him, and he curls into me.
“I won’t let my family come between us. They aren’t a big part of my life.” My stomach twists as I say it.
Gray laces our fingers together.
“Their disapproval will eat away at you.” His quiet voice cuts to the heart of the issue.
They think I should’ve pursued a more noble career and haven’t seen me play in years.
“If it’s a choice between you and them, I choose you,” I say, and he lifts his head in surprise. “You support me with no strings or conditions. I can’t keep chasing their approval. There’s a huge chance I’ll never get it and lose you. That isn’t acceptable.”
His brown eyes take me in. “So where does that leave us?”
“Exactly here. Right now. If you’re okay with figuring it out as we go. I only know I need you in my life.” The truth of my words rings in the air.
“I said I wouldn’t pressure you, and I hope you don’t think I am. Being on the carpet tonight made me think ahead. And face it, you could do better.”
“You are the best person for me. This is my fault.” I get up and start pacing. His words are so far from the truth. “All I wanted to do was kiss you, so I stayed away. I wasn’t ignoring you.”
“It’s a good thing you did. What will you do if there are rumors about us tomorrow?”
“I don’t care if a few fame mongers think we’re together. We’ll ignore them, like we always do. They didn’t know the truth then, and they don’t know it now.”
Gray steps into my path. “Promise to tell me if I’m holding you back.
If being with me hurts you personally or professionally.
I can’t”—he cups my face—“bear to hurt you or for you to stay with me out of obligation.” He shushes me with a peck on the lips when I try to argue.
“You are the most loyal man who takes his responsibilities seriously. Don’t make me an obligation instead of a partner. ”
“Never.” I smash our mouths together, pouring all of my love and desire for him into our kiss. Conveying with my lips and tongue that I can’t function without him. He’s the one person in the world who makes my life easier.
His tense muscles loosen under my touch, and he kisses me back with enthusiasm.
“Did you check your pockets tonight?” I ask, hoping he hasn’t.
Gray reaches into his suit pockets, digs out a large, lined sticky note, and reads it. “It was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, meant we were supposed to be together.” He holds the note to his heart.
“Will you let me decide who I want in my life, as my boyfriend and partner?” I ask, and he slumps against me.
“Not only do you accept me for who I am, you bring out the best in me. You challenge me to be better.” I kiss the tip of his nose.
“Come to bed and tell me all the things you like about me.” I wrap my arm around him.
“Smartass,” Gray mutters.
But he lets me lead him past his door and into my room to sit on my bed. Kneeling between his legs, I slowly unbutton his shirt, giving him time to stop me if he would rather sleep.
“Was that your way of making us official? Telling me you want me to be your boyfriend, enticing me with a sappy movie quote, and luring me to bed with sex?” His knees squeeze my sides. “Thank you.” His bottomless eyes convey his sincerity.
“Depends on if it worked.” I sit back on my heels. “Boyfriend sounds so juvenile for the way I feel about you, but it works for me. Does it work for you?” My voice gets high and reveals my trepidation. I won’t survive if he doesn’t agree.
“It really, really works for me.” Gray plants a kiss on my forehead, and his mouth turns up on one side. “Are you trying to torture me? If this weren’t an expensive shirt, I’d rip all the buttons off.” He rests his palms on my chest.
“Yes, until you whisper mushy things in my ear,” I tease. Miraculously, I get his shirt off in seconds and start in on his belt.
The gleam in his eyes is my only hint before he ruffles my hair and leapfrogs over me.
I’m too stunned to stop him but follow him back into the kitchen.
Gray picks up the package from the kitchen island and tosses it in the air.
“Is this what I think it is?” His smile lights up the dim kitchen.
“You tell me. It’s unmistakably still sealed.” I gesture to the intact box. I won’t stop him if he’s changing the subject by suggesting we play. We can talk later.
“Let’s crack this bad boy open.” Gray grabs a knife and slices the tape. He digs through the packing material and pulls out a black plastic bag. His eyes meet mine before he tears it open, and the flogger falls out.
Floggers are different than I imagined them to be. Some fit my mental picture of a whip as long as a riding crop, but we opted for something smaller. My hand has a mind of its own as it reaches for the supple leather strands, tracing up toward the silver-studded neck and butt.
Gray offers it to me, but I don’t trust myself yet. “It’s soft.”
My breath hitches when his fist pushes through the strap and closes around its neck. We did our research and watched several videos. The strands are called falls, tresses, or tails that connect at the neck and are held by the shaft. Totally appropriate naming; someone knew what they were doing.
“You still want me to use it on you?” he asks.
His molten gaze melts me.
Instead of answering, I strip off my jacket and curse the tiny buttons and cufflinks on my shirt. “It’s like Trevor is cock-blocking us from home.”
Gray’s chuckle fills the kitchen and warms my insides. He unfastens my cuffs with one hand and peels my shirt off, leaving me in an undershirt and tented dress pants.
“Hands on the counter.” He lets the flogger dangle from his wrist as he removes my T-shirt and turns me to press on my back so I’m leaning forward.
Instinctively, I widen my legs, but I have to adjust my stance for him to get my pants off. A shiver racks my body, and a high-pitched giggle escapes me. I don’t giggle.
He kisses my neck and huffs a laugh against my skin. “We can try to be all badass and sexy, but we’ll always be just us.”
My head drops with his understanding, and I push my ass back. “I guess we’re not the romance book hero types, huh?”
“You are in my book.” He taps my leg so he can take my sock off. “If anyone saw you like this, they would give a nut or breast to be with you. You’re better than a fictional romance hero, you’re a hockey god.”
My skin flushes red and breaks out in goosebumps at the same time—an impossible feat.
“It’s really not fair how good-looking you are.” He kisses the knobs down my spine and kneels behind me. “But this”—he rids me of my underwear—“this is a masterpiece. Your ass would shame all those famous sculptures in Europe.” He plants a wet kiss on each cheek, and I push back farther.
“Someone is eager.” His fingers tickle the hair between my legs, and my cock leaks. I’m hyperaware of his presence, and with each shift, I’m more impatient for the first strike.
“Gray,” I whine, tipping my head backward until my spine arches.
“Shhh. I’ll give you what you need.” He nips my ear and drags the flogger over my arm, across my shoulders, down the other arm, and then over my chest. The falls drape against my cock with no pressure, but the mere thought of it creates a string of precum inches long.
It’s hard to decide, as if I have a choice, where will be the most pleasurable to receive hits.
If, a month ago, someone had told me I’d want Gray to flog my cock, I’d have assumed they had a break from reality.
But there’s no denying the ache in my balls and the anticipation building so high I might crack before he hits me.
“You’re tense.” His warm chest blankets my back. “It’s more likely to hurt if you’re tight.”
“I know.” Blowing out a breath, I concentrate on loosening my muscles.
“Lucky for you, I have a solution.” His tongue trails over my back, and my dick screams for attention. Gray’s knees plunk on the wood floor, and he gently pries my ass cheeks open. “Breathe,” he instructs, and I let out another slow breath.
His wet finger traces my rim, and although my cock is pissed off, I lean into his touch, begging for more.
He inhales deeply. “If I could wear your scent as cologne, I would.” There’s no warning before the tip of his tongue breaches me, and my shout turns into a moan.
He alternates between lapping at my rim and tongue-fucking me.
There are nerves I didn’t know existed back there, and he’s kissing them to life.
His tongue is warm and wet and a deadly weapon of pleasure, making my knees go weak.
I’m nervous I’ll embarrass myself and come before the main event.
Although Gray would probably be proud of himself.
When I can’t take any more and I’m on the verge of coming, the flogger whooshes and stings the side of my butt cheek. It’s enough to pull me back from the brink.
“Color?” he rasps.
“Green.” My body’s confused between pain and rapture.
Gray removes his face from my ass, and I whimper at the loss. For the next few minutes, the only sounds in our apartment are our heavy breathing, the zing of the flogger through the air, and the snap of it hitting my skin.
Each strike is in a different place, with a different intensity, and has staggered timing to keep me off-balance and prevent me from tensing up. Soon I’m sinking into a jagged rhythm, trusting him to care for me.
I’m jelly, unable to stand without him.