3. Chapter 3
Chapter 3
Sage
Thirty-six.
It might seem like a low number compared to others, but it’s one I won’t forget. It’s how many people died because of me. Despite not being solely responsible, I blamed myself. Even if my society had betrayed me.
I had been scorned by Venom . . . by my own fucking father.
He sent his people to a slaughter without a care. When the fight at the Save location first happened, I thought they were attempting to take as many vampires as they could to VRC, but after gaining some runaway Venom members, I quickly realized that wasn’t true.
After killing Sorin, I went into a fit of rage before falling into an almost catatonic state. Drag insisted I hide out at his hidden camp deep in the woods. Vivi escorted me here while the rest of my friends stayed behind to help the mortuary guy deal with the dead bodies.
During their clean up, my friend Jimmy came out of hiding. He approached Peach and asked her to get in contact with me. Since I’d lost both my phones, I was unreachable—and completely okay with it. The last thing I wanted to do was to communicate with anyone. Not until Luka was safe and in my arms.
Peach called Vivi, informing us of Venom members needing a place to hide, and asked what we should do with them. Of course, Vivi said we should kill them, per the norm. As Vivi stood there waiting for an answer from me, I shrugged and walked away. It may be cruel, but in my current state, I didn’t give a fuck.
Marcus, Peach, Ravage, and Drag took it upon themselves to decide for the good of everyone. Now we have three former Venom members staying with us, not counting me and my friends. Initially, they mostly stayed in their cabins at night. After a while, they began socializing, gradually forming friendships with the supernaturals.
My friend Jimmy had been one of the former Venom members, and even if he was a little weird to converse with, he was a good guy. And since he was a computer nerd like Winnie, they seemed to become friends pretty quickly. He would wave anytime he saw me, but let me be, unlike some others around here.
The other two were women, each with different personalities.
Nellie was usually blunt with her words, not caring who they affected. She got on my nerves.
Randi was a sweet girl, but extremely shy and quiet.
Both of them avoided me like the plague, not even making eye contact when they saw me. And I was perfectly okay with it. I had no desire to talk to my friends, let alone them.
Even though I hadn’t participated in conversations, especially the ones about what happened the night of the war, I regularly listened. More than once I heard the ex-Venom members say their objective had been to capture as many vampires as they could to break up Save, which is a group of vampires and wolven sworn to protect their species from hunters like me. Or, like I used to be before I knew what we were doing was immoral.
After my father realized I was a traitor, his goals changed. The mission shifted from capturing us to killing anyone they could, except for Luka. He was to be unharmed. When someone figured out Marcus and his brother Zeke helped Erik, Lyric, and myself escape, my father added us to the list. The field crew were told we were all traitors and needed to be brought in for interrogation.
My dad even went above and beyond, sending them pictures of us—including one of Luka, which I’m assuming he stole from my phone.
One might think my father’s sins were what brought me here, but honestly, my sins did. I knowingly betrayed him just like he did me.
I played the game as best as I could, I just didn’t win.
“Can we even trust this woman?” Lynx asked, bringing my attention away from the pine trees.
What woman?
My painful thoughts had kept me from hearing the beginning of the conversation.
Everyone living here usually gathered around the fire every night to talk about random things. But at least once a night, someone would bring up the rescue mission to save Luka and Strike. A mission which I’d eventually given up on. This didn’t sound like that.
Maybe I didn’t hear everything.
“I don’t know,” Ravage responded. “What do you think, Drag?”
The fire crackled, the sound of a log being dropped into it ringing through the night.
“She may have valuable information, and we don’t have any other leads. You know her, Marcus. What’s your opinion?”
“I think it’s worth a shot. Sage may not come out of the state she’s in if we don’t.”
I whipped toward the crowd of people. “I can hear you, you know?”
“We don’t care if you hear us,” Winnie spat, hopping up from his seat and pointing at me. “We know you miss Luka, most of us do too, but you need to get your shit together so we can get him the fuck back.”
The expression he wore told me he was still angry about his bike, and I needed to tread lightly.
I averted my gaze and glanced around the campfire. Most of the people looked at me with sympathy, like April and Peach, and others blatantly avoided my eyes, like most of the ex-Venom members. But not Winnie and Marcus. They stared me down, ready for the battle.
They had both been on my ass the past few days, and after what I did tonight, it was probably going to get worse. One way or another, they were going to make sure I didn’t shut down any more than I already had.
Not wanting to fight or converse anymore, I just shook my head. “Shut up, Winston.”
He snickered. “Winston? Still hate me, I see, and even after I healed you.” An arrogant grin spread across his face, and it made me miss Luka.
I fought back tears, determined not to let them fall in front of people. I’d been getting good at that. “Whatever,” I mumbled, before turning back around.
Every night, something inside of me pulled me toward the forest. I stared into the darkness, hoping Luka would magically walk out of it because he somehow managed to escape and make his way back to me.
Obviously, I was delusional. We had no clue of his whereabouts or whether he was dead.
I hadn’t told anyone, and I hated myself for this, but I’d given up on believing Luka was still alive.
“You can be pissed at me all you want, Sage, but unlike most of these cowardly people around here, I won’t give up on you,” Winnie ranted. “And after that shit you pulled earlier, I’m not going to tiptoe around, worried you’ll break. I don’t give a fuck. I’ll continue to give you hell until the fiery girl I know comes back.”
Was I that bad? Were people afraid to talk to me? Afraid I would break? Possibly, but without Luka, life meant nothing to me anymore.
“Leave her alone,” Lyric interrupted. “She misses Luka.”
She was constantly defending me, and I knew kindness and love motivated the act, but it further proved my already unstable image.
I whipped my body back around. “I don’t need you to defend me, Lyric.”
With unhuman quickness, Winnie had me by the waist before I even realized he moved, and within seconds, my body plummeted into icy water. The cold stung my skin as I sank to the bottom. After a second of contemplating if I wanted to drown and end my suffering, I pushed my feet against the muddy lake floor and hastily made my way to the surface. The air rushed into my lungs, my body forcing me to suck in a hard breath.
“What the fuck!” I screamed, wading to the edge of the lake. “Are you trying to piss me off?”
Winnie flung his arms out. “Please get mad. Please fight me! Do something other than stand there staring into the woods, eat soup, and wither the fuck away!”
When I stood up in shallow water, a shiver ran through me, and I was unsure if it was from the chilly night air or from his words.
I averted my eyes and they landed on a lily pad clinging to my shoulder before I plucked it off. “This was unnecessary.”
“You think? It seems fitting to me since water lilies are a symbol for resurrection and rebirth in many cultures.”
Winnie’s face was stone-cold when my gaze met his again. Colder than the lake I stood in.
“I’m still alive, Asshole. I don’t need to be resurrected!”
The way he narrowed his gaze on me, I knew his words were about to hurt. “Are you sure about that, Sage? Because it seems like you died when they took Luka.”
Even though I expected his meanness, because apparently being kind to me hadn’t worked, his words still hit me like a boulder. An aching pain settled in my chest and tears filled my eyes.
Winnie said nothing, instead shaking his head, his own eyes brimming with emotion before he turned away.
Peach came to the edge of the water, extending her hand with a kind and compassionate face. “Come on, Kid.”
Kid.
Knowing that’s the nickname she used for Luka made my chest hurt even more as I trudged my way toward her. She pulled me from the lake, and I did everything in my power to push back my emotions.
“Thanks.”
Embarrassed and pissed, I stomped off toward my cabin, and when I entered, I slammed the door shut, slouching against it.
Every emotion that ever existed bubbled in the pit of my stomach, slowly crawling up my chest, looking for an exit. I took a deep breath, blowing it out through pursed lips.
Water dripped from my clothes, each drop landing on the floor like a sympathy of misery. Cold air washed over my body, sending shivers through me and puckering my skin.
I was about to go get cleaned up when Chewy rubbed on my legs with his purr on high before he pulled away, seeming confused by my wetness. I bent down and patted his head for a second, my teeth chattering.
“I’ll cuddle you when I get out of the shower,” I promised him before I stumbled to the bathroom, flipped on the light, and shut the door behind me.
Pulling Luka’s T-shirt over my head, I dropped it on the floor, and more sadness filled me. I’d almost died getting it earlier and it was the last one that still smelled like him. Now it stunk of lake water. I removed his sweatpants next before glimpsing my reflection.
The dark wooden mirror over the sink became my enemy as it revealed my true self. The woman staring back, now a stranger. A lifeless meat sack with no will to live.
My once-full face appeared somber, hollow. Dark circles hugged my eyes like the night sky hugged the moon. It looked as if I hadn’t slept in weeks, which was true. Between thoughts of Luka and nightmares, sleep had been almost non-existent for the last five months.
My lip quivered when my eyes trailed down my naked body, which didn’t look like mine. Born a thicker girl, I’d never been ashamed of my figure, but this body mortified me . . . scared the shit out of me. I appeared unhealthy, with pale skin devoid of any pink undertones.
Lifeless. I looked lifeless and in only a short amount of time.
The speed at which something can change a person is truly remarkable. The value of my body, of myself, was now measured by a single word—time. Even though the length of time can vary, its nature remains indefinite. Time is never-ending. Even after death, it continues to exist, not caring if you don’t anymore.
My whole life I chased time, ready for the day when I turned sixteen and began my training to become a vampire hunter.
Amaranthine is what the Vampire Research Center named the infectious microbe that causes humans to have immortality and regeneration. With Venom and VRC working together, the goal was to find a cure for vampirism to rid the world of vampires. And of course to save humans, because we couldn’t have detrimental propaganda fed to us without a solid reason for its importance.
Since my family had managed Venom for generations, I was proud to become the president once my father retired. But even if I wasn’t going to inherit Venom, being born into the secret organization made the feeling of being proud inevitable. It wasn’t ?an emotional mask I wore only when my father was around. My mind, my body, my entire soul came pre-installed with it.
At eighteen, I proudly got a tattoo of a snake and flowers to symbolize my heritage, but unlike time, pride isn’t indefinite. When you die, you take it to the grave with you. If someone doesn’t strip it away first . . .
My sharp ribs were visible beneath my inked skin, leaving me feeling the opposite of prideful.
Knowing my friend Deren died because of me made shame cling to me the way my wet T-shirt had.
Since I’d killed Venom members who were unaware of the lies they were being told, remorse unpacked its bags, now living in my brain.
And because Luka’s abduction was also my fault, guilt shrouded my heart, sucking on my soul like a leech needing blood.
My pride was gone.
Time had taken it.
The same way Venom took Luka from me.
He was my friend.
My lover.
My soulmate.
My everything.
Somehow, he had become the person I had lived for without me even realizing it, and without him, I had no reason to be breathing.
The tightening in my chest finally became too much to contain and small sobs worked their way out of me. I wrapped my arms around myself, finally letting go of my emotions. Tears fell hard and fast, now allowed to drop freely without fear of judgment or sympathy.
Back in October, freedom to make my own choices had been my only unspoken goal.
But what good is freedom when you’re chained to emotions, lost in your own self pity?
The depression was like mud, seeping into me, stealing my air . . . slithering into my soul. The darkness had taken every bit of me I had left.
The cage of despair I’d built for myself was lonely, but being around people somehow seemed worse.
Eventually, I turned the shower on and stepped into the stream. My tears continued to flow while I shampooed, cleansed, and conditioned. At some point, I curled into a ball inside the porcelain tub, allowing the hot water to beat against my skin until it ran cold—cold as the lake.
This was the one good cry of the day I allowed myself to have. After this, I refused to let any more emotions control me until the next day.
With barely any will to live, I peeled myself off the bottom of the tub and dried off. After throwing on whatever sweat pants and T-shirt I found, neither of which smelled like Luka, I noticed the time. I had approximately three minutes before my self-proclaimed therapist knocked on my door, like she did every single night.
I headed into the living room and paused next to the old rickety end table until I heard footfalls against the wooden porch. Knowing it was Steph, here to ask me if I wanted therapy again, I yanked it open.
“I don’t need . . . oh.” I got quiet, surprised by the person visiting me.
“Can I come in?” April asked, her beautiful blue eyes brimmed with tears.
“I’m not in the mood for—”
The blonde-haired beauty pushed the door farther open and stomped past me without a care.
“I don’t need an intervention, April.”
“I’m not here for that.” She stopped next to the couch with arms crossed. Her sympathetic face filled with pain and it didn’t seem like it was for me. “Before the battle, your mom was my best friend. Now I have nobody other than you and Zeke. He’s comforting, but I needed a woman to talk to.”
Worried she’d rope me into a conversation I didn’t have the energy for, I swallowed my words, then nodded.
“I wanted to tell you I started my period because I knew you would understand.”
My chest became heavy again because I understood exactly what she meant.
April and her husband Zeke had been trying to have a baby for many years. Every month she would show up at my mom’s house with a bottle of wine and tear-stained eyes. They would cry, talk, and laugh together. They were each other’s rock the way Lyric and Erik were mine. And even though I felt heartache for her, my emotions threatened to consume me, leaving no room for anything else.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered softly, hoping the two paltry words would comfort her.
She blinked, tears rolling down her pale, blotchy face. “It’s okay. I feel it’s for the best, especially since Zeke and I are fugitives now.”
“You aren’t fugitives.” I stumbled into the kitchen, trying to avoid feeling anything, but unfortunately, she trailed behind me.
“Since we left Venom, we—”
“Don’t say that name in my house.” Grabbing a bowl from the cabinet, I opened a pack of ramen and poured the contents into it.
With no emotional energy left, I refused to meet her eyes, instead placing my hands on the gray laminate countertop and staring at the dry noodles. “Anything else you need?”
April let out a snicker, which had a slight hiss to it. “Well, I guess not.”
Her footsteps were louder leaving than they were when she came in. I closed my eyes tight, bracing myself for what was next.
The small cabin rattled when she slammed the door shut.
My chest tightened again, emotions trying to claw their way to the surface. Taking a deep breath, I slowly blew it out through pursed lips, smacking them back down.
Nope. No more crying until tomorrow.
After eating my dinner alone, I went to bed—and by which I mean, I laid in the dark for five hours thinking of Luka.
Winnie was right, I had died when they took Luka . . . or at least my soul had withered away.
Or possibly Sorin shot me in the head, I died for real, and now I’m stuck in emotional purgatory.