Chapter 11
CHAPTER ELEVEN
B laine had rushed out of that hunting lodge like a man pursued. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been so ill at ease, so overstrung—and he had spent all his life as a sword for hire, putting himself in danger day after day.
It wasn’t the thought of danger that disturbed him. That was always at the back of his mind, a needling worry which lingered long after the signs of it had passed. It was the only way to stay alive and he had long since gotten used to it. What disturbed him, rather, was the thought that he was no longer the master of his own emotions.
Never before had he been confronted with feelings he could neither ignore nor suppress. There was a routine to his life, a strict, disciplined approach to everything and everyone around him. He was not the kind of man to be infatuated with a woman, no matter how beautiful or interesting. And though Kathleen was both, she should not have been the exception.
An’ yet…
The heat beat down relentlessly on the two of them as they continued down the road to Castle Stalker. It was a warm day; too warm for the time of the year, uncharacteristic for those parts of the country. The sky was unmarred by clouds, a sprawling blue that reached as far as the eye could see. The sun shone brightly, bathing everything around them in a warm light—the rustling leaves, the swaying grass, the lake in the distance, whose waters seemed to glitter.
It was a beautiful sight, one Blaine couldn’t appreciate one bit. If anything, seeing all this beauty around him only served to increase his irritation until it threatened to bubble over. It was as though nature itself was mocking him.
He was painfully hard. All this beauty around him, this gorgeous day, the idyllic picture painted by the golden light and the twittering birds, and all he could think about was how he had to keep his hips as far from Kathleen’s own as possible so that she would remain ignorant to his plight.
Every step his horse took was torture. Every squirm of Kathleen’s body brought him one step closer to the edges of insanity, forcing him to take deep breath after deep breath in an attempt to remain calm and collected. Sweat gathered on his brow and along the expanse of his back, making his shirt stick to his skin uncomfortably, and though Kathleen had made no comment on his pressing issue, he couldn’t say for certain that she hadn’t noticed. She was oddly quiet that morning, refraining from asking a torrent of questions, much to Blaine’s surprise.
Has she noticed? Is she so uncomfortable that she cannae even speak tae me?
That, at least would not be surprising. For a maiden like Kathleen, it would not only be awkward, but scandalous.
Blaine should have worked harder on securing them another horse. Surely, for the right price someone in that village would have been willing to part with theirs, but it was too late now. The village was far behind them and he didn’t know when they would find the next one. Once they did, though, he would spare no expense if it meant escaping this torment.
“We should rest,” Blaine blurted out, incapable of pretending everything was fine. He needed a moment to himself; he needed to collect his wits about him and then, once he had reined in his feelings, he’d be ready to continue on their journey. Thankfully, the heat provided a good enough excuse for him to pull the horse to the nearest water—a small stream which fed the distant lake, gurgling happily somewhere nearby .
He found the stream nestled among the trees, not too far from the main path. Once there, he was quick to jump off the saddle and walk off, wandering down the length of it and leaving Kathleen behind.
Naethin’ will happen tae her. I’m right here.
He didn’t have to watch her every move. And yet, when he heard her dismount the horse, he couldn’t help but turn around and observe her—partly because he was truly worried and partly because he couldn’t seem to keep his eyes off her.
Kathleen patted the horse’s flank before she made her way to the stream. There, she knelt on a small patch of grass that grew near the waters, making sure to keep her dress from getting soiled by the mud, and carefully dipped her hands in the water, bringing a handful to her face. Blaine craved to do the same, to feel the cool water on his heated skin, but he felt as though he was frozen by that large oak at his side, as still as the tree itself, mesmerized by the sight of those glimmering drops of water dripping down Kathleen’s cheeks.
And then she turned and looked at him, catching him watching. Tilting her head to the side, she frowned and pushed herself up to her feet, and Blaine prepared himself for the storm of questions that was sure to follow .
Only Kathleen never managed to speak a word. As she took a step towards him, she slipped on the mud that had gathered at the edges of the creek and landed on her rear right in the water.
For a moment, Blaine’s heart jumped to his throat and he had the ridiculous fear that she would drown as she sputtered and flapped her arms uselessly. But even as she sat on the bottom of the creek, the waters barely reached her chest and her head was well out of its depths, and so his fear dissipated as fast as it had appeared.
In its place, laughter bubbled out of him. He couldn’t help it. After all those hours of unbearable tension, when he had done his best to keep all his thoughts and all his feelings to himself, all this weight had finally sloughed off his shoulders. Seeing Kathleen sitting there, drenched and miserable in the freezing waters, was enough to make him forget, even momentarily, about all the things that had already gone wrong in this mission.
“Dinnae laugh!” Kathleen shouted, her voice ringing loud and clear over the rushing stream. She slammed her hands onto the water, splashing it all around her as she glared at Blaine, and despite his best efforts all he could do was laugh even harder.
For a moment, he watched her struggle to stand, her soaked clothes limiting her movements. It was only a matter of seconds before he took pity on her and rushed to her aid, planting his feet firmly on the slippery mud by the bank and offering his hand to her.
Kathleen took it, her fingers firmly grasping his palm. But just as Blaine was about to pull her out, her other hand joined the effort and before Blaine knew it, he was falling into the waters.
There was an instant in which Blaine had the delusional hope he could stay upright. Even as his feet slid on the mud, his boots getting dragged right through it, he thought himself too strong compared to Kathleen. Surely, a girl her size couldn’t muster the strength to pull him in the creek! All he had to do was use all those muscles he had spent his entire life honing.
And yet Kathleen was not like the noble girls who spent their days in the drawing room of their castle, painting and embroidering for fun. He should have known better; she was not only a skilled rider, but she had also told him she did anything her cousins did—and that had made her deceptively strong.
Blaine cursed the muddy ground as he found himself flying through the air. His other arm flailed wildly as he tried to keep his balance only for him to finally give up and accept his fate. The first splash of water on his skin was almost refreshing, but soon the pins and needles from the chill settled into him and he quickly stood on his knees in the creek in a vain attempt to warm himself. Even if his torso and arms were out of the water, though, his clothes were still soaked in it and clung to his body, chilling him to the bone.
Silence stretched between them as they stared at each other in shock. Then, Kathleen burst out into laughter as well, the sound sweet and melodic in Blaine’s ears.
There, in the cold, shallow creek, he realized—not for the first time ever since he had first met Kathleen—that he was in too deep. He had known her for a short time, but even that short time had been enough to make him desire her with a force that scared him.
It would be so easy to kiss her. All he had to do was lean a little closer, touch her waist and pull her to him. He found himself moving before he even knew it, treading water to reach her, and at the same time, she approached him, her eyes falling shut as if she was preparing for a kiss.
High above, a bird cawed, its call breaking the silence of the woods—a vulture seeking prey. Blaine pulled back suddenly, clarity returning to him with the force of a rushing wave, his heart leaping to his throat at the thought of what he had almost done.
How could I ever allow this? It’s already gone too far.
Judging by the deep red of Kathleen’s cheeks and the way she looked at him, with wide, almost terrified eyes, she was thinking the same thing. Blaine could hardly blame her for it; she was young and, more likely than not, naive. Girls like her didn’t know the ways between men and women. The most she could have done in her short life was share a kiss with a boy, tucked somewhere in a dark corner, away from prying eyes. Even if, for a single moment, she had thought sharing a kiss with him was a good idea, it wasn’t long before she had come to her senses.
It was better this way. It was better knowing that Kathleen wanted nothing of the sort with him. A rejection would do him plenty of good, even if it would sting.
Pushing himself up to his full height, Blaine waded through the water until he reached the bank and pulled himself out of the creek. Then he offered Kathleen his hand once more and this time, she let him help her out of the water.
Neither of them spoke. It was nothing strange for Blaine, but he was used to hearing Kathleen’s voice—if not talking about anything that came to her mind or asking questions, then humming softly to herself just to fill the silence. Now, more than ever, he wished that he could hear that voice just to reassure himself that his actions hadn’t spooked her too much.
In the end, it was he who broke the silence .
“We should let our clothes dry,” he said.
Kathleen nodded and the two of them walked over to the horse, dripping water on their way. Blaine rummaged through the bags and found himself a change of clothes and Kathleen did the same. He then stepped back to removed his soaked garments.
But when he caught Kathleen’s gaze just as he was about to remove his shirt, he thought better of it.
He was so used to traveling alone and when he didn’t, he was around other men. But this was neither a man nor a commoner, and it occurred to him that he should probably not change in front of her.
Clearing his throat, Blaine turned around and walked a little farther away. Even with the distance, even with his back turned to Kathleen, he could have sworn that he felt her gaze on him and the tension that hung heavy in the air between them. It was as though her look was a physical sensation on his skin, like a touch, a caress.
Shaking his head to clear it of such foolish thoughts, he began to undress quickly, shedding his soaked clothes and replacing them with the dry ones without bothering to dry off his body. That would simply take too long, and he was unwilling to spend more time than he had to even half-nude in front of Kathleen .
He pulled on a pair of trews, then his tunic, and then turned around as he thought himself sufficiently dressed. What he failed to account for, though, was the fact that Kathleen’s clothes were much more complicated than his own, and she hadn’t had the time to dress.
In fact, she hadn’t even completely undressed. Right as Blaine turned around, she was removing her shift, letting it pool on the ground around her feet. And Blaine, despite his best intentions, was frozen in place as the expanse of her body was revealed—her pale skin, the dip of her waist, the curve of her buttocks as she leaned down to pick up her dry shift.
Blaine whipped his head around so fast that he almost gave himself whiplash. His heart raced in his chest, beating like a drum of war and threatening to leap right out of his mouth. He had seen plenty of women nude before, so it wasn’t so much the sight itself which had excited him—though there was no denying Kathleen was beautiful and under different circumstances, he would have enjoyed few things more than staring at her all day. Rather, it was the allure of the forbidden fruit; the knowledge that no matter how much he desired her, he could never have her.
It was also the fear that if she turned around and caught him staring, she would rightfully be disgusted by his behavior. It was the last thing he wanted, bringing her discomfort. And so instead, he stared at the tree right in front of him, counting the knots on its trunk until Kathleen called his name.
Look away. Look away.
Again and again, Kathleen tried to force herself to avert her gaze and yet she seemed to have lost the basic and important function of controlling her own body. Her gaze kept straying back to Blaine, trying to catch a glimpse of his body—the rippling muscles as he moved, the taper of his waist above his trews, those strong thighs she so desperately wanted to feel underneath her as she’d sit in his lap. It was maddening, having him so close and knowing that she could never have him the way she craved.
It took all her willpower for Kathleen to turn around and shed her own clothes as quickly as she could, busying herself with the task so that she wouldn’t end up doing anything terribly foolish. She focused on each part, straightening her shift and tying all the laces carefully, making sure to fasten them securely around her body. It was harder without a maid helping her, but the repetitive motions gave her something with which she could occupy both her mind and her hands, and by the time she was done dressing, she had regained some of her composure.
When she glanced at Blaine over her shoulder, he had his back turned to her and was staring straight ahead. He held himself stiffly, straight-backed and with his hands clasped behind him, reminding Kathleen of a soldier awaiting orders .
“Blaine,” she called. “I’m…. decent.”
Only then did Blaine turn around. Had he not caught a single peek at her, she wondered? Had he not tried to look at her at all?
The thought brought as much relief as offence. On the one hand, if he truly had no interest in her, then Kathleen wouldn’t even have any reason to try and test the waters. On the other, a part of her was desperate for him to look, to crave her as much as she craved him, even if it was far from wise.
All her life, she had done foolish thing after foolish thing—she wasn’t going to stop now.
“Lay yer clothes out in the sun,” Blaine told her as he draped his own soaked garments over a low-hanging branch that was directly in the path of the sun. “We’ll wait until they’re dry enough an’ then we’ll leave.”
“Willnae they take too long tae dry?” Kathleen asked. They didn’t have many hours of sunlight left; if their clothes were still wet by then, then there was no point in continuing. “Shouldnae we build a camp?”
Blaine raised an eyebrow that seemed as curious as it was amused. “Ye wish tae sleep in a camp? ”
Kathleen shrugged a shoulder. “I dinnae see what other option we have.”
Sleeping out in the wilderness was not something Kathleen was used to or fond of. She had been forced to endure it a couple of times in the past while traveling, but then she had had guards with her—several of them, and also her father and cousins. Now, all she had was Blaine and if anything happened to him, she would be all alone.
“Alright,” Blaine said. “I’ll gather some wood.”
“I’ll help,” Kathleen offered, but he only waved her back.
“Sit. Ye’re nae used tae all this travellin’ an’ I dinnae want ye tae fall ill. Put on me cloak, too.”
“But—”
“Put on me cloak, Kathleen,” Blaine insisted in a tone that left no room for argument. With a sigh, Kathleen did as she was told, grabbing Blaine’s cloak from where he had hooked it over the saddle and draping it over her shoulders before she sat in the shade of a large tree .
Belatedly, she realized it smelled like him. It made sense, of course; Blaine had worn it all this time while they were riding. But once again, she felt as though she were surrounded by him, as though she was being cradled in his arms, warm and secure.
She dipped her chin into the neck opening, breathing in his scent as she watched him gather twigs and small logs to light the fire. He did quick work of it, piling them up and lighting the flames, though it was hardly necessary at that time of the day.
Simply waiting there seemed like unendurable torture to Kathleen. Like always, Blaine was quiet, lost in the depths of his own mind and looking so distant that Kathleen didn’t even know how to start a conversation with him. But the more time they spent in silence, the more her mind roamed to places it shouldn’t, and Kathleen was desperate for something to distract her.
“Will ye teach me how tae fight?”
Blaine looked up from where he was dusting off his hands by the fire, glancing at her through the flames. “Nay.”
“What?” Kathleen asked, as surprised as she was exasperated. His refusal was more than enough to distract her from her thoughts, after all. “Why nae? ”
“Because ye dinnae need tae learn,” he said. “An’ because ye may injure yerself if ye dae.”
Kathleen couldn’t resist the urge to roll her eyes. “I willnae injure meself. I ken how tae hold a sword an’ a knife. Me cousins have shown me.”
“Then why dae ye need me tae teach ye?”
It was a good question, and one to which Kathleen had no answer. She knew the basics, of course—as much as Kieran and Devon had shown her before the fear of her father finding out had gripped them.
“Because it wasnae enough!” said Kathleen. “An’ I’m sure ye’d rather ken I can defend meself if somethin’ happens tae ye.”
That seemed to be the right thing to say. Blaine hesitated for only a moment before he gestured to her to stand, and Kathleen did so eagerly, meeting him close to the fire.
“Be careful,” he warned as he reached for the knife strapped around his calf and handed it to her by the blade. “Show me how ye hold it.”
Kathleen wrapped her fingers around the carved wooden hilt like her cousins had shown her—not too tightly, not too loosely. She felt the weight of it in her hand and assumed a fighting stance, but Blaine didn’t seem too impressed by her efforts.
Silently, he came to stand behind her. One of his hands found her waist, lying gently over the curve of it, as the other wrapped around her right, where she was holding the knife. He adjusted her grip, straightening her hand, but none of it registered in Kathleen’s mind.
With every breath she took, she felt Blaine’s chest brushing against her back. His breath was warm on the back of her neck, his hand confident around hers. Though he was barely putting any pressure on the hold on her waist, Kathleen was still driven mad by the sensation, wishing he would fully commit to it and hold her properly. Heat pooled in her core and her breath turned shallow, the air barely reaching her lungs.
She imagined him leaning closer and pressing his lips to her neck, sliding his hand up to cup the swell of her breast. She imagined him moving in, embracing her, kissing her, grasping the fabric of her skirts to pull it up her thighs?—
Suddenly, Blaine stepped back and a rush of chill took his place, sending a shiver down Kathleen’s spine. When she turned to look at him, he was already several paces away from her, his brows knitted into a frown. Kathleen’s heart threatened to burst with how fast it was beating, and an apology was already trying to worm its way past her lips—though for what, she could not tell.
“Attack me,” Blaine said suddenly, and the spell that had fallen over her was broken. She gave him a frown of her own, confused by the request.
“What?”
“Attack me,” he repeated. “Let us see what ye can dae.”
A surprised laugh escaped Kathleen, but when she saw just how serious Blaine was, she schooled her expression into a neutral one and prepared to attack him. Tightening her grip on the knife and holding it the way he had shown her, she charged at him with the knowledge that she would never win, but giving it her best effort regardless.
She slashed at him fearlessly and just as she had expected, Blaine dodged the blade once, then twice before finally grabbing her forearm and disarming her with ease. The movement brought them close together once more, only this time they were face to face, staring into each other’s eyes and sharing the same air as they breathed. All it would take for their lips to press together into a kiss would be the slightest of movements and the courage either of them could muster .
Blaine released her, reaching for the knife only to hold it out to her once more.
“Again,” he said, and a grin broke over Kathleen’s lips.