Chapter 18
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
K athleen’s heart leaped to her throat the moment those words were past her lips. She was taking a risk, asking for something like that, but that was precisely what Fenella had told her to do. It was now or never, and she wasn’t going to give up without a fight.
Blaine hesitated. He froze, his body going rigid as a plank of wood, reminding Kathleen of the way deer stood utterly still when confronted with the threat of an arrow. She saw his throat bob in the half-light of the fire as he swallowed. She saw the nervous twitch of his fingers on his knee, the way his gaze searched for a way out in the room, as though he could simply disappear through a hidden exit.
“I cannae dae that,” he said in the end, after a long pause .
Kathleen had expected this response, of course. For all Blaine had been more than happy to be intimate with her at first, he had seemed to immediately regret it, much to her disappointment. It wasn’t a matter of attraction—at least she didn’t think it was. With the way he looked at her, with that hunger in his gaze and desire in his every glance, she doubted that it was a lack of attraction which stopped Blaine from acting. Rather, he seemed to have some misplaced concern about her and the fact that he was a decade older.
“Why nae?” she asked, keeping her voice quiet and gentle. She didn’t want to argue with him; she only wanted to make him see reason and, failing that, receive a satisfying answer as to why she couldn’t have what she wanted.
“Ye ken why,” said Blaine gruffly, averting his gaze to stare into the orange glow of the flames.
The fire made him look severe, accentuating every sharp angle on his face. Never before had Kathleen seen him so displeased, so on edge—upset, almost, it seemed to her.
“Ye’re older than me, I ken that,” she said, refraining from reaching out to touch him even though it was the only thing she wanted. “But that isnae that uncommon! Fenella’s husband is older than her, too! An’ there are many other lasses who wed men who are ten, twenty, even thirty years older than them! ”
In response, Blaine only shook his head and made to stand, but this time, Kathleen reached for him, grabbing his forearm to stop him from leaving.
“Ye ken it tae be true,” she insisted. “An’ I ken that ye want me as much as I want ye. Why are ye fightin’ it?”
Blaine stopped dead in his tracks, giving Kathleen a look she couldn’t decipher. He seemed to be trying to tell her something with nothing but his gaze, but she couldn’t see anything other than his reluctance. She could not see the reason behind it.
“Ye should simply trust me when I tell ye that I cannae dae this,” Blaine insisted. “An’ I dinnae care if it is common. It isnae proper.”
A million thoughts raced through Kathleen’s mind. A part of her wondered if perhaps Blaine had lied to her when he had told her there was no woman in his life. Maybe he had a wife or maybe he was betrothed to someone. That was the only thing that could explain his reluctance, but he had had no reason to lie to her when they had first met.
“Ye should be with someone who deserves ye.”
It was almost like an afterthought, almost as if Blaine was talking to himself rather than her. His voice was quiet, hesitant. As he spoke, he didn’t meet her eyes.
Is this what is stopping him? He thinks he isnae worthy o’ me?
But why would he think such a thing? Why would he ever consider himself unworthy?
Kathleen suspected that if she questioned him about it, Blaine would only withdraw further from her, so instead she said, “This is what I want. I want ye. I’ve seen what me future could be an’ I… I’m dreadin’ it. Give me this. It’s all I ask.”
Blaine was silent for a long time—so long that Kathleen feared he would simply kick her out of the room without giving her either what she wanted or a satisfying answer. But then, just as she began to lose hope, he finally looked at her in the eye.
“Just a kiss,” he said.
Kathleen nodded. “Just a kiss.”
A moment passed between them in silence when neither of them moved. Then, ever so slowly, Blaine leaned closer and closer, bridging the gap between them until he could press his lips softly against hers with a sigh, that simple touch igniting a blazing fire within her.
Just a kiss, she had told him, but now she couldn’t stop herself from reaching for him, wrapping her arms around his neck to keep him close. How could she be satisfied with only a kiss? How could she endure the thought of never having anything more from him?
When Blaine made to pull back, Kathleen chased his lips, deepening the kiss. Even reluctant as he seemed to be, a moan tore itself from his throat and his hands came to settle on her waist as Kathleen shuffled closer, climbing onto his lap. Their last encounter had left her emboldened, more sure-footed in her search for pleasure. Knowing Blaine wanted her and knowing he would neither mock her for her lack of experience nor touch her in any way she did not desire gave her the confidence she needed to actively seek out his touch, his kisses, the rock of his body against her own.
Her hand trailed down the planes of his chest and stomach, her fingers dragging over the bulging muscles under his shirt. Though Blaine was always clean-shaven, taking great care every morning to methodically remove every trace of stubble, now, this late at night, the little stubble he had collected along his jaw and cheeks scraped over her skin as they kissed, which only served to fuel the flames of her desire.
She wanted him to pleasure her again. She wanted to feel that stubble over her thighs, over her mound, the rough feel of it a stark contrast to the softness of his lips and tongue.
But she also wanted to give him the same pleasure and she allowed herself to explore, her hand dipping lower and lower until she could brush her palm against his hardening manhood. At that first touch, Blaine gasped against her lips, his length twitching under her fingers and his hips arching to chase the pressure of her palm. Simply knowing that she was having this effect on him was enough for Kathleen to grasp him confidently through his trews, giving him a squeeze.
No words were exchanged between them. Blaine was predictably silent, and Kathleen feared that if she spoke, she would break the spell that had fallen over them both, causing Blaine to retreat once more. Instead, she showed him what she wanted, tugging at his clothes until he took the hint and all but ripped them off his body, discarding the garments in a pile by the fire. Then, he knelt there on the rug, his body bathed in the warm light, his chest heaving with every breath he took, his manhood hard and straining against his stomach.
Slowly, Kathleen traced a finger over the slight curve of it, caressing the underside before finally tracing the tip. Blaine bit down hard on his bottom lip, his whole body trembling with the effort it took him to stay still and let her explore. When she wrapped her fingers around him, giving him a firm stroke, Blaine’s hips bucked into it as if he could hardly contain himself .
Taking Blaine’s hand, Kathleen urged him to wrap it around hers, to show her just how he liked to be touched. Fascinated, she watched as Blaine moved their hands together, gathering some of the moisture that beaded on the tip to slick their movements. He moved their hands slowly, indulgently, and Kathleen took in every detail of him—the feel of his silky skin under her fingers, the way his brows furrowed as if in concentration, the slight parting of his lips as he exhaled around a moan.
She never wanted this night to end. She never wanted to lose this, to wake up the following day only for Blaine to withdraw once more.
But then, Blaine kissed her and all her concerns dissipated from her mind—not because she didn’t think it possible anymore that he would retreat into himself once more, but rather because no other thoughts could exist when he was kissing her like this, like a man starved.
Before long, Kathleen found herself rid of her clothes, too, Blaine pulling them off with haste. Just like his own, he discarded hers in the pile, and then was upon her once more, kissing her breasts and grabbing her thighs to spread her legs apart.
Kathleen was assaulted by pleasure, the sensation of his stubble on her oversensitive skin just as enjoyable as she had imagined. She trembled under his touch, her back arching to chase the feeling of his lips as they wrapped around her nipple, sucking hard on the sensitive bud. Heat pooled deep in her core and soon, her face heated in embarrassment as she felt wetness gather between her legs.
She was certain Blaine could feel it, too, pressing as he did between her thighs, but his only response was to groan as he reached for her, dipping just the pads of his fingers in her slick entrance.
Kathleen twitched against him, her body craving more. When Blaine teased her, rubbing firmly over her folds and that sensitive spot that made her moan and tremble uncontrollably under his touch, she knew that she wanted to be his entirely, to be taken as a man takes a wife.
She didn’t care about being ruined. There would be no issue of her being ruined if they were officially together.
“Please,” Kathleen said, pitching her voice lower as she looked at Blaine through her lashes. “This isnae enough. Ye ken what I want.”
Blaine shook his head, ready to disagree, but Kathleen grabbed him by the back of his neck, pulling him close.
“I’ve… I’ve touched meself there,” she confessed, and though it wasn’t entirely true, it wasn’t a lie either. She had given in to her desires before, furtively touching herself but never reaching too far, fearful of what would happen if she did. She had no fear now, though. She only had a need and she was determined to fulfil it. “There’s naethin’ yer hand can dae that mine hasnae.”
Blaine groaned, letting his head fall on her shoulder as his hips bucked once, his manhood dragging against her thigh. The thought of it seemed to please him more than Kathleen would ever think possible.
“What a sight ye’d make,” he said, lifting his head to look at her. “Few things would please me more than watchin’ ye.”
Heat crawled over Kathleen’s skin, reaching all the way to her chest as she imagined pleasuring herself while Blaine watched—a mixture of eagerness and embarrassment, as potent as a strong wine. The confession gave her what she wanted, though, as Blaine slowly, torturously so, pushed a finger inside her all the way to the knuckle, cutting her breath short.
The intrusion was uncomfortable at first, an unfamiliar feeling that left Kathleen squirming underneath him. It only took a few thrusts of his hand, though, for it to turn into mind-bending pleasure, the kinds of which she had never experienced before. Her walls parted around him, her entrance clenching hard and drawing twin moans out of them both. Blaine felt feverish under her hands, his skin heated and slick with sweat, his muscles bulging as he hovered over her and teased out her pleasure .
One finger soon turned into two, and Blaine massaged a spot inside her that had her toes curling. Kathleen had to stifle a cry, slapping a hand over her mouth in fear that someone would hear her, but she couldn’t help the way her eyes rolled back as Blaine stroked that spot relentlessly until she could do nothing but lay there and take it.
Had she known such pleasures could be had, she would have done this a long time ago, consequences be damned.
Then again, perhaps the reason why it felt so good was because she was with Blaine.
“That’s it,” Blaine encouraged her, groaning as if he was the one receiving all the attention, as if Kathleen’s excitement was his own. “Let go. I’ve got ye.”
And Kathleen did, surrendering herself to the feeling of rapture. Her climax struck her suddenly, her orgasm drawn out of her by Blaine’s expert touch. He worked her through it, his fingers thrusting slowly inside her as she clenched and released around them, wave after wave of contentment coursing through her body.
She was still coming down from her peak when Blaine draped himself over her and buried his face in her neck, mouthing at the sensitive skin there. She could feel him against her, the tip of his manhood brushing over her folds as he took himself in his hand and stroked himself fast, chasing his release, and she wanted nothing more than to feel that release inside her.
“Take me,” she said, putting as much of a demand behind her tone as she could muster. “I want ye, Blaine. Make me yers.”
A broken moan tumbled past Blaine’s lips, and when his hips twitched, Kathleen thought she would finally get what she wanted. But her celebration was premature, as Blaine restrained himself.
“Dae ye ken what ye dae tae me?” Blaine asked. “I… I cannae.”
Before Blaine could refuse even further, Kathleen took his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. “I willnae regret this,” she whispered. If he refused again, she would let it go, but she tried to show him just how much she wanted it, just how much her body craved it.
Something crumbled in Blaine when their gazes met. Kathleen saw it, the flicker of hesitation fading from his eyes at her request, the moment he made his decision to give her what she wanted. With one hand sliding under her head to cradle it in his palm, he gently guided himself to her entrance, stopping just short of finally entering her .
“Ye’re certain?” he asked.
Kathleen nodded fervently in response. “Aye.”
That was all it took for him to finally enter her, the tip of his manhood sliding past the ring of muscle. It was nothing like taking his fingers; he was large, the girth of him filling her up entirely and dragging against her sensitive walls. Kathleen was overwhelmed by the sensations—the languid brush of skin on skin, the heat of his lips on her neck once more, the slick sound of their coupling that seemed to echo in the silence of the room. When Blaine buried himself to the hilt inside her, he paused for a moment, and Kathleen tried to catch her breath, her body adjusting around him.
“Are ye alright?” Blaine asked her.
Kathleen could only moan in assent, rolling her hips to urge Blaine to move. That little movement had him gripping her hips, his fingers digging into her flesh as he gave her one thrust, then another, so slow and measured that Kathleen wondered at his control.
“Ye feel like heaven,” he said. “I willnae last inside ye.”
Despite herself, Kathleen was close too. Her last orgasm had left her sensitive and the feel of him inside her, the brush of his pelvis against her sensitive spot as their bodies met, threatened to coax another from her soon. She clung to him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and her legs around his waist, her pleasure growing with every thrust of his hips, every kiss he pressed to her lips. When Blaine lifted her hips just so, reaching even deeper inside her, it only took a few more pushes of him deep inside her for Kathleen to fall apart around him. Her pulsing core drew Blaine’s own release from him and he drew back just in time to spill over her thighs and mound as he cried out her name.
As they both tried to catch their breaths, Blaine rolled over onto his back on the rug, pulling Kathleen along with him so that she could curl up by his side. Kathleen moved with ease, nestling into his arms, unbothered by the fact that they weren’t on the bed. The fire was warm, and so was Blaine, and it was easy to let sleep claim her when she was cradled in his arms.
When she opened her eyes next, the soft light of dawn was filtering in through the windows. Kathleen blinked her eyes open, taking in her surroundings, and soon realized she was still in Blaine’s chambers, but now they were in bed. He seemed to have moved them at some point during the night, their limbs were still entwined, the two of them holding onto each other. Her head was laid on his chest and she could feel the gentle, steady rise and fall of it as he breathed, the slow drumming of his heart under his ribs.
She closed her eyes for another moment, basking in the fleeting joy. In that room, where there was no one but the two of them, she could pretend that this was her normal, everyday life. She could pretend that she would never lose that, that every day would start in just the same manner.
What delight it would bring her to wake up next to Blaine for the rest of her life! No other happiness could compare.
Soon, though, reality settled back in as Blaine stirred underneath her, his breaths turning shallow as he slowly woke. Kathleen glanced up at him, wondering what she would find when their gazes met—regret, perhaps, or shame. She was prepared for it. She was prepared to be told this could never happen again.
Blaine said nothing. He only leaned down to press a kiss to the top of her head, taking a moment to hold her before he slipped out of the covers and began to dress.
Once Kathleen realized Blaine would say nothing, she stood and dressed, too, the two of them moving in silence. The festivities had only just begun, after all, and soon, they would both be required to attend the formal breakfast.
As Kathleen headed to the door to get to her chambers and prepare for the day ahead, she hesitated, turning to look at Blaine over her shoulder. What was he thinking, she wondered? What was he feeling?
Would she ever get to know ?
Though once again, Blaine remained silent, he approached Kathleen and pressed another tender kiss to her forehead before she left. And Kathleen, despite her fears, despite all the unknowns, could believe that everything would be alright in the end, as long as they had each other.