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Broken Hearted Silver Linings
Q uinn sat alone on the bed in her room at the inn. For someone who’d always coveted time with herself, the loneliness that had taken up residence in her soul was a bitter pill to swallow. Snow fell outside, and she watched it absently. It had been just over twenty-four hours since the ranger had shown up at Alex’s and brought her back to the inn.
As soon as she had service again, her phone dinged with messages, but that first night, she didn’t have the heart to look at them. Eventually, she’d messaged back to Belle and Megan, wishing them a Merry Christmas, explaining that with the snow storm she hadn’t had service for a few days. Fortunately, neither one of them questioned it. Quinn wasn’t ready to talk about any of what happened with Alex and she didn’t know if she ever would be.
Christmas night felt like a blurry nightmare. It all happened so fast. She didn’t know what she expected really, but the abrupt ending to it all felt wrong. The ranger had come to check in on them and let them know the road had opened up. And just like that, whatever fairy tale she thought she’d been living in hit a definitive brick wall and shattered. The sudden need to get the heck out of there propelled her to ask the ranger if he could take her back to the inn. He was hesitant, but Quinn couldn’t stay in Alex’s cabin for another minute. She practically ran to get in the ranger’s truck when he’d reluctantly agreed to drive her. Alex didn’t say a word of protest, and the sting of his silence felt barbed.
Christmas day at the inn was jovial and lively, loud and boisterous—a jarring contrast with the peaceful time alone with Alex in his cabin. The restaurant was full of people celebrating and feasting. Quinn felt like she was in some kind of a vortex on the outside looking in. She went to her room and sobbed until she finally fell asleep. When she awoke, the reality of being alone in the bed hit first, and then the memory that whatever had happened between her and Alex was over. The fairy tale had come to an end. A dull ache sat heavy in her chest.
She couldn’t help but torture herself with memories of every touch, every look. The fun they’d had. The deep conversations and the light ones. It had felt like a dream, and now, it was done. Over. As if it never happened in the first place.
She tried to tell herself she was being dramatic, but her heart knew what her heart knew. The reality was that she’d fallen hard for Alex. There were boyfriends in the past, men she’d fancied herself in love with, but the connection she’d felt with Alex went far beyond what she’d ever known. She’d always believed having a boyfriend came with the automatic pass to being in love. Like a gift that came with a gift tag, a boyfriend came with love. With that belief entrenched, she assumed that she was in love with her past relationships. Lo and behold, it turned out she had no idea what falling in love was. Now, on reflection, it turned out she’d never once in her life been in love. Until now.
God, if this truly was love, it was awful. How in heaven’s name could she feel so connected to someone, so crazy about someone, and that person not reciprocate? There were moments when Quinn thought Alex felt it—that amazing unexplainable thing between them. That magic thing. When he was making love to her, she felt as if their very souls had become one. She laughed bitterly at her naivety. What a fool she was. He’d not felt the same things she did because if he did, she would not be here alone with her heart thrown out like used Christmas wrapping.
She wished she could stop ruminating, but it had become a shamefully addictive pastime. How was it in the sweet gentle moments they’d spent cuddling, talking, sharing, she’d felt so in tune with him? She’d shared so much about her life with him, and he seemed to get her in a way that only her best friends did. Alex seemed to understand her on a deeper level. Or so she thought. It was painfully confusing, and the more she thought, the less she understood how things had gone so awry.
In between crying, she wrote, and in between writing, she walked around the town trying to feel some sense of the appreciation she’d felt when she’d first arrived here. She wanted to feel normal, but she didn’t. If only she could go back in time and reverse all that had happened. Instead, she just felt a hollowness in her that she couldn’t seem to shake.
On her second walk of the day, she hoped to feel human again but was unable to escape the heaviness in her heart. As she passed by the old brick library, she heard a siren, and her pulse kicked into high gear. Heart thundering, she stood waiting for his truck to come around the corner, waiting for him to come to her. She tucked her hair behind her ear and licked her lips, wondering what he'd say, what she'd say. When an ambulance turned the corner and sped past, Quinn's shoulders slumped, and she chided herself for the momentary excitement she’d felt. What was she thinking? Alex would throw on a siren and come for her in some grand gesture. Stupid . It was a new low when she considered what minor law she could break so he’d come give her a hard time. Mean Hot Cop that she’d grown so effing crazy for. She rolled her eyes at her ridiculousness.
After all the time spent thinking and analyzing every detail of every moment they’d spent together, Quinn came to a surprising realization. There was no doubt in her mind that Alex had a wall around his heart, but what startled her was she’d been guarding her heart too. She didn’t let people in either.
Her best friends, yes, because they knew her heart from the beginning it seemed, but other than her best friends, Quinn hadn’t connected deeply with anyone as an adult. Maybe she was more like Alex than she realized. It was both heartening and disheartening that Alex had tenderly found his way into her soul. She’d trusted him—with everything. She’d given herself wholeheartedly. Something she’d never done before. Now she knew why. Betrayal. It hurt. Badly. He was probably right to keep up his guard.
Good for him , she thought numbly. He wasn’t going through the hell she was. He’d protected himself. Bravo, Alex , she thought bitterly.
Quinn had been through so much in her life. She was convinced she could handle anything that came her way. Yet here she was, pining for a man she’d known for a week. She would have bet her last dollar that he was her soul mate. A few days back, she’d have called it magic. Now she’d call it madness.
Ironically, the pain in her heart somehow translated into some serious creative spells with her book. A few times, she’d sat down and ideas flowed in bursts. Everything else around her felt like shit, but her writing was keeping her sane. Nothing felt like a silver lining at the moment, but if she had to choose something, her writing would be it.