Chapter Nine #3
When the last wisp of anyone else’s presence went out the door, Clay snagged the collar of Scout’s shirt and pulled him in for a kiss.
Clay touched Scout’s face lovingly. Suddenly, Scout was as close to crying as he had been in a long time.
Scout still couldn’t believe he hadn’t felt the reverence each time Clay touched him.
Even when Clay was rough, he acted like the world was about to end and Clay had to get one more chance to be connected with Scout.
Clay pulled away and kissed Scout’s forehead. He sat back, setting Scout free. “Tell me everything. Are you okay? Is it over?”
Before Scout could respond, Crisp strolled into the room. He barely glanced between them. “Don’t mind me, guys. I heard there was cake.”
Scout made it half a second into watching Crisp shovel cake onto two plates.
He stood and held his hand out to Clay. Clay didn’t hesitate to take it.
Together, they made their way through the house and into Scout’s bedroom.
They climbed onto the bed and sat cross-legged, facing each other.
It was as if they shared the same brain for a minute—like they made silent plans.
Scout didn’t know where to start, so he just opened his mouth and words spilled out.
“You know I’m all about communication. But sometimes I forget you can’t read my thoughts.
Well, most of the time, really. In hindsight—” Scout ran his hands up Clay’s thighs.
He kept his gaze on Clay’s lap. Scout felt at sea.
The perfect words wouldn’t come to him. “We decided—as a group—to leave the commander with Rain. He’s owed every drop of blood that vile piece of shit has. ”
“I saw the way he looked at Rain. Even three sheets to the wind, the way his eyes devoured Rain sent chills down my spine. The way Rain held himself—like a man holding his pride as armor—was heartbreaking. I’m guessing Rain is the real reason you guys have stuck together?”
A sad smile tugged at Scout’s lips. “Some of it, yeah. Also, none of us know how to be normal.” Scout lifted his chin and met Clay’s stare.
“We don’t know how to do anything else but kill.
Not really. Rain and Shadow have ballet, and Tracker could be anything.
He’s a genius. But for the most part, we’re all just broken.
Together, we don’t see all the cracks. It wasn’t until I silently fell in love with you that I realized how dysfunctional I really am. ”
Clay’s lips parted in surprise, but he didn’t interrupt.
Scout appreciated the hell out of that. If he stopped now, he didn’t know what would happen.
Maybe he would lose his nerve. “That day you caught me looking into your past, you were so fucking amazing at talking about things. You were beautifully open with me. I guess I thought if you wanted me beyond the bedroom, you’d say it.
You didn’t, and I kept reinforcing how we were friends.
” He knew he had to look as defeated as he felt.
Even he didn’t know where he was going with this. “I don’t know.”
“You’re right.” Clay’s response surprised the frustration from Scout.
“I should’ve said what I wanted that first night, but I was scared to lose what little I had of us.
Until last night, I thought I was afraid because I was gun-shy.
For a while, a couple of years back, I thought maybe the love I felt for Fabrice was romantic.
” A wry smile crossed his features. “It never was. I won’t go into all the many reasons I probably need therapy.
But that was just one of the few times I thought I meant more to someone than I did.
You kept calling me your friend, and it had my head all fucked.
I kind of went into self-destruct mode. But then I saw that knife against your throat, and I knew I had to tell you how I feel while I still have a chance with you.
” He took a deep breath. The way he held Scout’s stare had Scout holding his breath.
“We spent all those months training, and I don’t know.
Obviously, from the first time I saw you, I thought you were gorgeous.
Then I got to know you, and I was hooked.
But you weren’t showing any signs you felt the same, and then—”
“That’s on my programming.” He hated to interrupt Clay, but he couldn’t let Clay think he was cold.
“I can’t seem to change some things programmed into me.
Everything I feel stays locked behind my teeth, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t force words to go past my lips.
I know I’m not explaining myself well. But when I saw the way you looked at Zeus at that wedding reception, I knew I had to do something.
So I acted, and you stopped talking to me, and everything inside me withdrew, but I couldn’t stop trying to be near you. I know I’m rambling.”
Clay moved to his knees and toppled Scout.
Scout froze, transfixed by the emotions that stared down at him as Clay crawled on top of him.
“I love you. That’s what I should’ve said that very first night in bed.
I’m in love with you. With you, I didn’t even need you to kiss me or for us to make love.
I fell in love with the guy who showed up every night; even when I went to that kink club, you waited at home for me.
When I came here, there you were again. Right by my side.
We were always meant to be.” He lowered his weight on Scout.
“Now I just want to hold you and try to let go of the fear of you almost dying. While I do, you can tell me as much of your feelings as you want about this commander thing.”
Scout wrapped his arms around Clay as Clay settled in for cuddles.
A smile snapped to his lips. “I literally never dreamed I’d have this.
We were trained from day one not to need anyone, want anyone, or feel anything at all, really.
I was supposed to grow up and hit the streets running as a cold, emotionless machine.
Only duty to my country existed.” Scout heard his Russian accent deepen.
He was tired. Scout was always less guarded on the edge of sleep.
“Now, all I can think about is how much I love this. I’m thinking about snuggling, for fuck’s sake.
You’re real, and you can’t know.” Scout didn’t know to finish that sentence.
Clay simply couldn’t know. He was supposed to be this heartless thing, and Clay didn’t let that happen.
Clay shifted onto his hip, keeping his leg thrown over Scout. He grabbed a handful of covers and pulled the blankets over them. “You need sleep.” His lips swiped Scout’s mouth. “I’ll hold you and keep you safe.”
Scout couldn’t stop smiling even as his eyelids grew heavier and heavier. They would be okay. Clay loved him. Everything else would fall into place.