Chapter Fifteen
Troy
Although I’d been in Seth’s apartment recently, it still felt strange that nothing had changed.
I felt like my very presence, my beat-up boxes—stuffed with twisted metal, broken glass, and old duffel bag—marred the expensive white leather of the sofa and the intimidating marble floors.
But Seth clearly didn’t see it that way.
“Feel free to do whatever you like,” Seth said. “Mi casa es su casa and all that, and besides, you’re my guest.”
“Thank you,” I replied, “But really, I don’t want to inconvenience you. I won’t make a mess.”
Seth paused and sheepishly grabbed a Starbuck’s cup from the counter. “I should’ve cleaned up,” he said, tossing it into the trash. “Believe me, though, when I say that nothing you do could possibly inconvenience me. I’m very happy you’re here.”
As if I'd judge him over an empty coffee cup.
Seth brushed his hand over the counter, presumably wiping away crumbs, although I didn’t see any.
“Thank you,” I replied.
“You said that already. But yeah, while you’re here, don’t feel like you have to—you know—live any differently.”
As if it was impossible to live like I had become accustomed to in this beautiful, expensive penthouse apartment.
“And if you need to move the furniture to make way for your junk assemblage, you can. I don’t mind a bit. It’s not as heavy as it looks. Easy to push.”
Seth walked into the living room and pushed one of the chairs a few inches, as if to prove his point.
It was impossible not to smile at him. He was so accommodating and so enthusiastic to have a guest. If I hadn’t known Seth like I did, I might’ve assumed that no one ever came over, but with as many friends as he seemed to have, I very much doubted that was the case.
After Seth led me into the guest room, I threw all my stuff down in a corner. It was nice, in an impersonal kind of way. I wondered vaguely if Seth had paid someone to stage the apartment; the white walls, hardwood floors, and dark blue comforter felt far too understated to be of his doing.
Or maybe he has rules in his lease saying he’s not allowed to paint the walls or change certain things.
Did rich people even have rules like that in their leases? Heck, I didn’t even know if he rented here. Maybe he owned the place.
“It has a half-bath,” Seth said, opening the nearby door. “You’ll need to take showers in the other bathroom, of course. But this one is good for pretty much everything else.”
“Are you trying to sell me the place?”
Seth chuckled. “No, sorry. I don’t feel like selling it, actually.”
So, he did own the place. “How long have you had this?” I asked, gesturing around us.
Seth hummed and sat on the bed. “A few years. I always liked Bluehaven, and I wanted this place for… it sounds really silly but I dreamed of owning this place as a kid. When it finally came on the market, I bought it. The location is good. The view is nice.”
I didn’t quite know what to make of how I felt about that. It seemed like I knew so few people who actually had the same dreams as adults that they’d had as kids, and I knew even fewer people who’d actually achieved them.
“Congratulations,” I said. “I’m glad you got it, then.”
Seth shrugged. “I am, too. But it’s not like it was hard. Most people in Bluehaven don’t have a small fortune to their name.”
I sat on the bed beside him. “You seem to do a lot of good with yours, helping your friends out and things like that.”
“I try,” Seth replied, “But I’m really more selfish than you might think. I’m not perfect; you know.”
“I didn’t think that.”
Seth chuckled, but something changed in his expression. It became solemn and melancholy, nearly anxious. Whatever caused the hesitation, it was gone a moment later. Maybe his thought had gone somewhere else for a few minutes.
“Anyway,” he said, “Now that we’ve got all your things, do you want to do something? Have you got work tomorrow? Hey, I know! We can binge-watch Star Wars.”
“Oh, God. I haven’t followed Star Wars since the nineties.”
Seth gave an exaggerated sigh. “Ah, the nineties. I miss them already. I’ll go ahead and flip on the TV.”
He clambered from the bed with considerable enthusiasm, and after he left the room, I stared after him for a few seconds. Of course, I was just thinking, getting my act together in this new apartment with my new temporary roommate.
I might’ve stared at his ass a little longer than I should have, but Seth didn’t need to know that. I tucked my hands into my pockets. I’d really done this. Godofdiscord would probably have a heart attack when I told him that I’d asked to do this and actually gone through with it.
He’d think I was trying to make Seth my boyfriend.
I wasn’t though. That would be impossible, I wasn’t even out. Utterly impossible. And there was no indication either that Seth was even still interested. He’d have invited any of his friends to live with him.
And if I try to make this something bigger than it is, I might ruin everything.
We sat on the sofa, he on one end and me on the other.
It was at least midnight, and through the windows, we could see the tops of many of the downtown buildings in Bluehaven—laid out before us, lit brilliantly.
We’d binge-watched all of Star Wars—a use of our time that felt both great and ridiculous.
In all my life, I don't think I've ever seen such a beautiful view. Seth finished his glass of red wine. He’d offered me a glass, but I’d declined, worried that I might spill it on the pristine white leather sofa.
Seth picked up the remote and clicked the TV off.
I was surprised he still used a remote and didn’t have something more technologically advanced, like one of those TV set-ups where you just talked to the TV and it did what you wanted.
With the TV off, it was dark except for the city lights twinkling outside the window.
“Heard anything about your competition?” Seth asked.
I shook my head. “I’ll know in a week or so.”
I tried to say it nonchalantly, so Seth couldn’t tell how desperately I’d been counting down the days until results were supposed to be announced.
But even if I won, that didn’t mean I’d get the money quickly.
It was ridiculous just how much a difference of a couple thousand dollars would make for me, though.
“Well, I’m sure you'll win anyway,” Seth replied.
I shook my head. “We’ll see.”
Still, it was hard not to be thrilled with his praise, like a reinforcement for my shaky confidence.
I felt heat rise to my face, and my heart quickened.
Seth just had a way of speaking that was so enthusiastic and genuine that even the most common, seemingly token responses seemed to be the sincerest admissions.
And maybe that was really what I liked most about him. He wasn’t fake or deceptive.
That, and his energy. He had an unrivaled enthusiasm that was impossibly infectious.
“I’m really glad you let me stay here. It really takes a load of stress off my shoulders. I was beginning to worry I’d have to move in with Skye.”
“Your sister?” he asked.
I nodded.
“I’m glad to know that I’m slightly better company than your sister,” Seth replied, his voice teasing. “I’ve spared you that horrible fate.”
“That isn’t what I meant. It’s different moving in with a friend than a family member, especially when you take into account years of sibling rivalries.”
“Can’t relate!”
“Count yourself lucky.”
He hummed and shifted on the sofa, turning so he faced me directly. In the dim light, his warm hazel eyes looked darker, more amber or brown. Seth leaned his head against the back of the sofa, raking a hand through his hair. “Despite any sibling rivalry, she seems to care a lot about you.”
“She does. Skye worries about me all the time,” I replied, “Because of… what happened.”
Seth’s face softened. I could see the questioning in his eyes.
He wanted to know what I’d been going to say before I caught myself, but he wouldn’t ask.
For all his seemingly flippant egocentrism, Seth really did understand other people well.
He was kind. And the longer I hung out with him, the more I began to see that; the better I began to think of him.
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to steady myself. I hadn’t shared this story in a long time. I tried not to think about it either. “My brother Lance died when I was a teenager, and I’ve not really been myself since that happened.”
“I’m so sorry.”
I leaned forward, putting my elbows on my knees.
My gaze was fixed on the darkened TV, wreathed by the city lights behind it.
This would be harder to get out if I looked directly at him; I knew that instinctively.
“I asked him to take me to a party. There was this guy I really liked, and he was hosting the party. My brother Lance was the only person whom I’d told I was gay, and he agreed to take me.
He was always really supportive. So, I went to the party, and my brother drove home.
He was going to pick me up later, but he died in a car accident on the way. ”
I took a steadying breath and dug my nails into my palms, as if the sharp sting could dull the memory. For a long time, I said nothing. Seth waited in silence. I felt his eyes on me without even looking up.
“So,” I continued, “I spent a lot of time blaming myself. Jackson’s death was devastating for everyone, and I really felt like it was my fault. If I hadn’t wanted to go to that party, he wouldn’t have been out. He wouldn’t have died.”
“But you couldn’t have known that would happen,” Seth said gently. “You must realize that it really wasn’t your fault. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and there’s nothing you can do. Your brother’s death was one of them.”
“I know that,” I said, forcing down the lump that rose in my throat, “But it’s still so hard. And I didn’t realize just how much my brother held us all together until he was gone.”
“I can’t even imagine how that must’ve felt.”
I forced a smile, although I wasn’t sure why. Maybe I wanted to reassure Seth that he was doing the right thing or giving me good counsel. “Yeah, that’s what most people say. Those I’ve spoken to about it.”
Admittedly, that wasn’t many people at all.
I tried not to bring up Lance with my family, so, aside from my high school guidance counselor, I’d never really mentioned my brother to anyone.
Not even to any people online. And there was something liberating in letting it all out now and in knowing Seth wouldn’t judge me for any of it.
I let out a breath of air with a loud rush. “So that’s what’s up with me.”
“That’s a lot,” Seth said. “It must be hard on you, shouldering all that.”
“Sometimes,” I replied. “It’s strange. I’ll go for weeks without thinking of him, and then, sometimes, he’s all I can think about. There’s just so much tied up with him.”
“I can imagine,” Seth said, “And for what it’s worth, if you ever need to talk about it, talk to me. I know there’s nothing I can do to make it better, but I listen with the best of them.”
“Thank you,” I muttered.
Seth nodded. “Anyway, it’s late,” he said. “I think I’m going to head on to bed, but if you need anything, let me know. I changed the sheets before you came, and I put a spare toothbrush in the bathroom. Feel free to raid the fridge.”
“Thanks,” I said.
Seth opened his mouth like he meant to say something further, but then closed it without a word. He smiled and stood. “Good night.”
“Good night.”
My heart thundered against my ribs, as he walked past. Being here with him felt like being thrust into another world, like we were tiptoeing into a romantic relationship, toeing the line without actually committing.
And now more than ever, I felt as though we ought to commit, as though I ought to finally come out and tell Seth exactly how much I’d been thinking about him.
Argh! I just couldn’t bring myself to do it—not yet.