Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
Troy
The thing about the garage was that it was either feast or famine.
We were either drowning in work or bored out of our minds.
I sat behind the counter, scuffing my shoe against the chair leg.
Behind me, Janet was reading what looked like a trashy romance novel—judging by the heroine’s mostly exposed chest and her apparent inability to keep her tongue in her mouth.
She loved that stuff and left the books lying everywhere about as tasteful as a pin-up calendar.
I’d never understood the appeal; they were all so formulaic and predictable.
I’d told her that once, and she pointed out that cars and machines were predictable too. For the most part. I’d been forced to concede she had a point, and maybe that was why she liked them so much. With those books, there was always a guarantee that things would work out.
“Hey, Janet,” I said.
She glanced up from her book. “Yeah?”
“Can I…ask you for a bit of advice?”
There was a time when I would’ve messaged Godofdiscord about this kind of thing, but that wasn’t possible anymore.
I wondered, though, if part of the reason I’d been so willing to talk to Seth online was because there hadn’t been a face to the name.
But Godofdiscord wasn’t really the Seth I’d come to know.
And maybe I should’ve realized that. It was easy to hide all your flaws online.
“Sure,” Janet said. “What’s up?”
“So, I’m interested in someone. We were together for a while,” I said, “Things were good, you know?.”
I paused, considering my next words. I wasn’t ready to be out yet at work. Even though my sister had taken it well and agreed to keep my sexuality a secret from our parents, I knew not everyone would accept it so easily. And I wasn’t ready for my coworkers to know.
“And then,” I said carefully, “Things sort of fell apart.”
“That sucks,” Janet said bluntly.
“Yeah, it does.”
Janet lowered her book and wedged her finger between the pages, keeping her place. I knew, then, that I had her undivided attention.
“Anyway, what went wrong was that—well, this person did something dishonest. I don’t really want to get into too many details, but that’s what happened,” I said, “And I’m trying to decide if it’s worth continuing the relationship. Trying to rekindle it, you know?”
Janet whistled between her teeth. “Some mistakes can be forgiven and some can’t,” she said, sounding as profound as the heroines in those cheesy novels. “I guess it’s just a matter of you figuring out if this mistake was bad enough that you can’t forgive it. I can’t really do that for you.”
That made perfect sense, but it told me nothing. “But that’s where I’m having trouble,” I said. “I don’t know how to tell if it’s something I can forgive.”
Janet shrugged. “When you say dishonest, do you mean something illegal?”
“No, no,” I replied. “Nothing like that. It was just…lying, I guess. Keeping secrets.”
I wondered if I made the whole situation sound stupid, wording it like that, calling what Seth had done lying. Technically, it was, but it was much more than that.
“Okay, so I wouldn’t like that,” Janet said, “But I guess it’s really just a balance of risk and reward. Does she seem sorry, at least?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t really asked, but I haven’t gotten an apology, either.”
Janet nodded. She pursed her lips, seemingly giving the situation a significant amount of thought.
At least she was taking my situation seriously.
“It sounds like you ought to talk about it together, then,” Janet replied.
“Make your decision after that. If I’ve learned anything about romance, it’s that falling in love is easy, but staying in love and building a relationship is the real challenge.
No one is perfect, though. I think you need to figure out if this problem is something that you can live with. ”
Janet's wisdom ran about as deep as the cleavage on that novel's cover.
“Right.”
Unfortunately, I didn’t know. I just knew that being without Seth hurt, and I didn’t want it to.
I wanted to love him. And I couldn’t decide if I had overreacted or not.
This was all Seth’s fault, after all. That much was obvious.
That part was easy. What wasn’t so easy was deciding if I did or didn't want to try and work it out with Seth anyway.
I raked a rough hand through my hair. Had I overreacted?
“Think about it,” Janet said. “That’s the best advice I can offer. I’m sorry it isn’t more.”
Me too.
“No, that’s alright. Thank you, Janet. That helps a lot, actually.”
If nothing else, Janet’s advice proved I needed to figure this out myself.
Duh. No one was going to figure it out for me, and no one was going to have the magic answer as to what I ought to do.
After a second of hesitation, I went to the computer and pulled up the list of appointments.
This definitely wasn’t an approved use of the system, but…
“Checking your schedule?” Janet asked.
She’d already returned to her book. From her tone, I couldn’t say whether or not she suspected I had an ulterior motive.
“Yeah.”
I typed in Seth’s name and searched for any future appointments.
There was one tomorrow at three—and I happened to be off.
That might be enough time for me to figure this all out.
I’d think on it, and if I decided that Seth was worth pursuing, I could swing by tomorrow and see him.
My stomach churned, full of butterflies at the thought of purposefully seeking Seth out, persuading him to give us another try.
After all, what little I had, I gained through my own sweat, blood, and tears. Why would Seth be any different? Except for the fact that he was rich. Now, I just had to figure out if I wanted to forgive him, and if I could forgive him. And if I decided that I could, maybe this would all work out.
I pulled into the parking lot just in time to see Seth disappear inside the building.
I parked and watched through the windows as he checked in with Janet.
My chest tightened. It was pure coincidence that I’d arrived here exactly after he did, but that—combined with the fact that I’d literally looked at the schedule to see if he’d be here—I felt like a stalker.
I swallowed past the lump that rose in my throat.
This was it—what I wanted, right? The opportunity to speak with him and see if we could make this thing work.
Deep breaths. I curled and uncurled my fists, slowly getting off my battered bike. “Well,” I said, “Here goes nothing.”
There was no one around to hear me, but saying the words made me feel just a little better. The worst that would happen was the conversation would go badly, and really, I’d be no worse off than I was now. So maybe this wasn’t the end of the world.
I crossed the parking lot and pulled open the door, my presence heralded by the ring of bells. Janet looked up, blue eyes wide. “I didn’t think you were working today, or did I screw something up?”
Seth, standing at the counter, looked over his shoulder at me. His own expression was somewhere between worried and confused.
“Yeah, I’m not on the schedule,” I said.
Which didn’t make me sound any less like an idiot.
I forced a smile and sat in a chair, clasping my hands in my lap.
Janet frowned, looking like she thought I was out of my mind, but she turned away.
I heard the click of the keyboard. Slowly, Seth turned his head towards her, quietly repeating his information.
My heart thundered in my chest. But I was here.
They’d both seen me. I had far too much pride to back down now, let alone how stupid I’d look walking out within 60 seconds of… nothing.
Seth passed over his keys and, pausing for only a second, strode away from the counter and lowered himself into the chair beside me. “I can sit elsewhere if you like,” he said.
“That would defeat the purpose,” I admitted. “I came here for you, but don’t let it go to your head.”
Seth let out an anxious laugh. “I won’t. I promise.”
I nodded. “So,” I said. “You’re here, and I’m here.”
I needed to swallow my pride and apologize for overreacting. Even if Seth had lied to me, I think I understood why he did it, and that wasn’t worth sacrificing a promising relationship. Knowing that I felt all that, was different from admitting it, though.
Janet got up and went into Arthur’s office. I heard their soft voices rising in the air, but I couldn’t quite make out their words. I inhaled and dug my nails into the palms of my hands.
“Seth, I came here because I wanted to talk to you, um, about us.”
God, was I screwing this up or what? Open mouth, insert foot.
“I’m sorry!” Seth blurted out. “I’m so, so sorry. I know I really messed everything up, and I should’ve told you exactly who I was from the second I found out. I know that.”
I startled at the sudden impact of his words. Seth winced. He seemed suddenly fascinated by the floor.
“Yeah,” I said weakly. “You messed it up. I didn’t expect you to say that.”
Seth sighed. “Well, I’ve been thinking it over.
I’ve needed to say it for a while, but I just couldn’t figure out how to do it.
I… I didn’t realize exactly how much I rely on money to fix my problems, and for what it’s worth, I…
I know I messed up. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make it right.
I like you a lot, and I know that you at least used to like me. ”
“I still do. I was going to apologize for overreacting,” I admitted, wishing I had let him open his mouth first. “I understand why you did what you did.”
Seth shook his head. “You didn’t do anything. I would’ve reacted the same way. I promise you that. There’s nothing to forgive.”
“Well,” I said, “At any rate, I’d like to give us another try, if you’d be willing to go for that. Of course, that means you have to be honest. We have to be honest from now on, and we have to talk through any issues.”
Janet returned to the desk. Seth’s eyes flitted briefly to her.
I wondered if he was thinking about what to say, how much he could say without arousing suspicion.
Warmth spread through my chest. He could be really thoughtful when he wanted to be.
For someone who was so utterly confident in who and what he was, Seth was very compassionate when it came to things like not quite being out to everyone yet.
“I’d like that,” Seth said. “I’m willing to do that if you are.”
“Thanks. It’s a deal.”
Seth grinned crookedly. “So, do you want to… be roommates again? Or have you found another place?”
“If by another place you mean my sister’s apartment, yeah, that’s it.”
“It sounds luxurious,” Seth said, although his inflection held a tinge of sarcasm.
“You really want to be there?”
I laughed. “I think she’d be glad to see me move my crap out of her place.”
Seth smiled and nodded. His knee brushed mine, and electricity rushed up my leg. He was so near, so present. And there was a sense of correctness in how close he was to me. “How long's your bike going to take?” I asked.
“A few hours.”
“So why don’t we get out of here? We can discuss rent.”
Seth nodded and climbed to his feet. His face was alight and warm with enthusiasm. I grinned back as I stood and followed him out. The door shut behind us. “So,” Seth said, “you’ll let me make it up to you?”
“I think so,” I replied.
Grinning, Seth leaned against my bike. The midday sun cast light over his face, making his eyes golden. “I’ll work hard to make sure you don’t regret that decision,” he replied.
“You’ll have to grovel to my sister some, too. I really talked you down to her.”
Seeing no one around, I stepped closer until only a hairsbreadth separated us. Tentatively, I raised a hand and traced a finger along the inside of Seth’s wrist.
“I’m prepared to do that,” Seth replied. “I can be very charming when I want to be, you know.”
“Oh, do I know.”
He grinned wolfishly. “And I like a challenge.”
“Good,” I said. “I’ll remember that when I decide you’re ready to meet my parents.”
Because when he did meet my parents, I'd be revealing I was gay. Standing there in the parking lot, just Seth and me, I realized there was no one else I'd rather have beside me when I finally did.