11. Ezrah
Ezrah
11
“Incredible!” I scoff, crossing my arms protectively. I want to shoot to my feet. To run off. But I feel frozen to the spot. “I think you’re missing the entire point of the fucking story. He wants control. He won’t stop!”
“But neither do you.” He’s actually fucking smiling. “Ezrah, do you have any idea how incredible you are?”
“I’m not! You still don’t get it.”
“No? What am I missing?”
I just grit my teeth.
“Actually, I don’t think you get it.” He tells me seriously, as the smile drops from his face.
“Excuse me?”
“Ezrah,” he moves to sit closer to me, covering my hand with his. “You must be one of the most resilient people I’ve ever met. You were in an impossible situation and still managed to build a life for yourself. It's incredible.”
I pull my hand away, narrowing my eyes. “Don’t try to flatter me.”
“I’m not. He’s just some low-life preying on people too young to know any better, but you, you found a way out all by yourself. You built a life, a whole career for yourself from nothing. I mean it when I say I think you’re amazing.”
“Liar. Don’t pretend you care. Don’t pretend you’re different from anyone else. People like you are the exact reason I haven’t tried to meet anyone else.”
His face falls. He even has the audacity to look hurt. “Pretending? When have I ever pretended?”
I jab a finger at him. “You said what we did was a mistake.”
“Because I’d taken advantage of you. You’ve been through so much, and are still going through so much. I’m your bodyguard. It's my job to keep you safe. I don’t want you to feel like you need to do anything to earn my protection.”
“Well, I didn’t!” I say too loudly. My lips are moving whether I want them to or not. Truths I’ve been trying to hide erupt from within me. “You are the first person I’ve met that made me want to try! And look where it got me! But do you know the worst part?”
Lucas stands frozen, barely even breathing.
“I can’t even be mad. You’re all I can think about. All I want is to be close to you, even if I know you don’t want what I want.”
My eyes burn. Fuck! I can’t believe I’m about to cry over him. This is my own fault. I’m weak. I shouldn’t have let that night happen. I shouldn’t have kept thinking about it. About him. He doesn’t care. He’s made that perfectly clear.
“But I do,” he blurts out, looking confused and upset.
“Fuck off!” I stand and turn to bolt to my room, but Lucas grabs my wrist.
It’s not an iron grip. It was gentle and firm, tender almost. I stop in my tracks and his grip loosens further. His thumb comes around to rub gently over my pulse point. I hope he can’t feel how it hammers against my skin like a salesman at the door.
“Please, you got to tell me how you feel, give me a chance to do the same thing?”
Swallowing, I fall back into my seat. I turn my gaze to the ceiling, hoping the tears filling my eyes evaporate before they can run down my face.
“Thank you,” he sighs with a smile, letting go of my wrist.
I try not to mourn the loss of contact. I cross my arms again, trying to hold my emotions in. “You wanted to talk, so talk.”
He lets out a nervous breath, rubbing his thighs. “Right, so I think there may have been a bit of a misunderstanding.”
I narrow my eyes but say nothing. This sounds an awful lot like another apology.
“So, I want to start by saying I can’t stop thinking about you either. That night, I’ve never felt anything like that before. I care about you so much, and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. That’s why I said it was a mistake.”
“Why on earth would you think that wouldn’t hurt me?”
“Because I didn’t think you felt that way. I thought I was just projecting my feelings onto you and that you didn’t know how to tell me that. I’m sorry. I should have just asked you how you felt.”
“So why didn’t you?” So far his explanation is confusing me more than clearing things up.
“I was worried you’d feel pressured to lie. Like you had to put out for me to do my job.” His mouth wrinkles with distaste. “I didn’t want that. Ezrah,” he takes my hands. “I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry. But, if you’ll let me, I’d like to propose something.”
“What-” the words feel clumsy from my dry mouth. “What do you have in mind?”
He licks his lips, and my eyes track the motion avidly. “I care about you so much, let me show you what a relationship can be like, even if it's just while we're here.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to be close to you, and I think you want it too.”
What the fuck? I didn’t think Lucas could be this mean-spirited. He couldn’t mean that. This had to be some kind of fucked up joke. He’s just teasing me, right? He really couldn’t mean it….
Could he?
Fuck it. I’m going to find out.