Chapter 18
Tessa
Being out here with Zane is soothing an ache I hadn’t realized was there. My entire existence over the last eighteen years has been simply surviving. Day after day, it’s all I could focus on because daring to think about anything but rock bottom was too dangerous.
I move along the rocky beach, scanning tide pools for signs of life. Out here, surrounded by clear water, it’s easy to forget all of the things waiting for us back in the real world.
“Look what I found.”
I turn as Zane crosses over, his sun-kissed olive skin so distracting it should be illegal. Seriously, it’s all I can do not to reach out and run the tips of my fingers over the ink swirling on his chest. In his hand, he holds a sand dollar, and he takes a seat on a chunk of rock.
Sitting beside him, I look at the sand dollar in his hand. “We used to find these all the time.”
He smiles. “Did you know that when the Keyhole Urchin who called this home dies, and the sand dollar dries, it leaves behind tiny doves?”
“What?” I arch a brow.
Zane grins, then snaps the sand dollar in half. He gently shakes it, and five tiny white dove-shaped things fall into the palm of his hand.
“Those were inside?” I reach out and pluck one from his palm, letting it rest in mine.
“Yeah. Sand dollar doves. I didn’t know about them either. Not until Anastasia showed me before I’d left for training. We were out on the beach with Mom, and she found one. These doves are said to symbolize peace and joy that spread throughout the world when Christ rose from the dead.”
Captivated by what he’s saying, I hang on every word.
He sets the rest of the doves into my hand, then gently arranges the broken pieces of the sand dollar in his hand. “These four outer holes here are said to symbolize the four wounds in Christ’s hands and feet when he was nailed to the cross, while this fifth one here is from the Roman’s spear.”
“I never would have thought of it like that.”
He chuckles. “Me neither. Like I said, Anastasia is the one who told me. I took one of the white doves with me and still have it. It’s gone with me on every mission, and somehow—it’s still not broken.”
“Have you been on a lot of them?” I ask, tipping my face to look up at him. “Missions?”
“More than I can count.” He swallows hard, his gaze fixated on the water. “I’ve done things I wish I could take back, and I know that a lot of people would be put off by the violence I’ve carried out—and rightfully so. But I do feel like I’ve made a difference.”
“You made a difference in my life.”
He shifts his attention to me now. “I hope so.”
“Whatever happiness I’ve had in my life, it’s because of you. Then and now.”
Zane smiles softly, then gently sets the sand dollar aside. Meanwhile, I cling to the tiny white doves in my hand.
“I’ve killed people,” he says. “More than last night. But I only ever took a life when there was no other choice.”
“I believe that.”
There’s a weight on him now, something that wasn’t there only a few moments ago, so I remain quiet as he gathers his thoughts. Zane has always been careful to think through things before he speaks.
It’s something I’ve always admired about him because it’s something I struggle with. Anger is as familiar to me as breathing.
“Six years ago, I made a mistake that led to the deaths of three civilians. It’s why I’m not in the Navy anymore.
” He takes a deep breath. “My team and I—we were supposed to get in, gather intel, and get out. I made a call to rescue half a dozen women who were being held against their will. On the way out, two of them and our translator were killed.”
The weight of that one call weighs on him like cement. I can see it all over his face. “It sounds to me like you saved four lives.”
“My orders weren’t to pull them out.”
“Then they were not good orders.”
He smiles softly at me. “That’s not my call.”
“What about now? You said you do government work. That you put a stop to violence.”
“I work for a branch of the government that doesn’t technically exist. They were going to court-martial my entire team, and to avoid prison sentences for all of us, I agreed to a no-end-in-sight contractual obligation to do as I’m told without asking questions.”
“Zane.”
“It’s a glorified prison sentence, but at least I get to be here.” He gestures toward the open ocean.
“And the others? Weston, Ryker, Garrison, and Sawyer?”
“They won’t let me serve it alone, though they’re not tied to it like I am. It was the one request I made before accepting.”
“They were the team on the ground with you?” He nods, and my respect for the four men grows substantially.
“I’m telling you this because I need you to understand that I’m not who I was before.
And I’m not looking for anything romantic between us because it’s an impossibility I can’t have.
” He turns toward me, pain in his green gaze.
“But I need you to see that you matter, Tessa. Because I don’t want to lose you again.
Even if we can only be friends, I want you in my life. ”
My breath catches, and my gaze momentarily drops to his lips. Soft, gentle lips that kissed away my pain for so many years that the feel of them is branded in my soul. “You can’t have anything romantic, or you don’t want it?”
“I don’t have anything firm to offer someone,” he says. “My life is fluctuating constantly. There is no future where I see myself free of these chains. Not until I’m in a wooden box and buried six feet down.”
The crude truth of his statement makes my chest ache at the mere thought of losing him.
“What if you found someone who wanted what you could offer? Who understood?” I’m approaching dangerous waters, but I can’t help myself.
Today has rooted just how important Zane Knox is to me.
And the one thing standing in our way is gone—right?
My dad’s not coming back, and he’s no longer an obstacle.
What if Zane could forgive me?
What if I could forgive myself?
“I honestly don’t know,” he says softly. Our gazes hold a moment, and the moment grows heavy with things unsaid. Until Zane claps his hands on both thighs, then stands. “We have to get back to the boat because I have cake.”
“What kind of cake?”
“Double chocolate with peanut butter frosting. What else?”
I grin, delight rising inside my chest, creating a warmth that hasn’t been there in quite some time. “Can I take these?” I ask, holding out the doves.
“Here.” He holds out his hand, so I dump them inside. He slips them into the pocket of his shorts and zips it up. “I’ll keep them safe for you.”
“Thanks.” Our gazes hold, and Zane leans down to take my hand. Connection shoots through me, desire coursing through my veins like lightning in a bottle.
The first time he kissed me was on this island.
Nearly in this same spot.
My breath catches when Zane takes a step closer, then brushes a few strands of my hair behind my ear with his free hand. “Ready?”
Clearing my throat, I force a smile that I hope doesn’t scream kiss me. I don’t care if you don’t feel like you have anything to offer me. Your love is all I need. “Yeah. Let’s go have some cake.”
Feeling lighter than I have—in I don’t even know how long—I stand beside Zane as he guides his boat back into its spot in the marina.
The tension between us has lessened, though the same love I carried for him all those years ago has returned full force.
Something I plan to keep to myself in hopes it’ll simply fade away to friendship.
There’s just too much hurt there. Too much history…right? The idea that he could forgive me—and try again—is a fantasy that I can’t afford to get lost in.
I remain in the pilothouse even after Zane leaves, my attention captivated by a gorgeous sunset. Rays of orange and gold paint a masterpiece in the sky.
And as I sit here staring at it, I reach into my pocket and withdraw the five tiny doves he’d given me.
Who would have thought so much beauty could come out of something broken? Tears burn in my throat, and I take a deep breath. I hadn’t missed what he was trying to tell me; I’m just not sure I can believe it anymore.
Not after everything I’ve done and all that’s happened to me in the course of my thirty-six years on this earth.
“Tessa?” Zane calls out.
Quickly, I shove the doves into my pocket and wipe the tears from my eyes. With a smile on my face, I step down out of the pilothouse. Zane is standing on the boat deck, hands in his pockets, looking nearly as nervous as he was the day he first asked me to dinner.
“What is it?”
“My mom texted. She was wondering if we’d come over there for a late dinner.”
Nerves twist my gut into a million knots. “A birthday dinner?”
“Probably,” he replies, running a hand through his hair. “Look, if you want to say no, you can. Don’t feel obligated.”
I should say no. Should fight to keep these boundaries in place, especially with how desperately I want to see them slip, but the hope on his face is everything. “That sounds great.”
“Really?”
“Really,” I repeat. “Today has already been perfect, which means it can only get better.” I move past him and step off the boat, every step weighing me down with fear.
I’ve been careful to remain hidden. Not just from whoever is trying to kill me but from the people I left behind when I fled this town. The questions they will have for me are too many to answer.
Zane locks up the cabin of his boat, then follows me onto the dock. “How’s the leg?”
“Great,” I reply honestly. “I’m actually surprised it’s not aching after swimming.”
He grins at me, and my heart hammers in response. So gorgeous. “Feel up for another adventure?” Zane pauses near a motorcycle parked on the dock close to his boat.
I arch a brow. “That’s yours?”
“It is.”
“The Safety Monitor, Zane Knox, has a motorcycle?”
His grin spreads. “Like I told you, I’m not the same man I was.”
“Clearly. Tattoos, a motorcycle. You have any piercings I should know about?”