Chapter 22
Tessa
Zane has been silent since we got back to the boat, and it’s so hard for me to focus on anything but the look on his face when Brenda practically called him a murderer. I’m sorry, a brutal mercenary.
Brutal? Is she out of her mind? No, not out of her mind. I know what she was trying to do. I’m not stupid.
She was attempting to jam a wedge between us. And after how close we’ve been getting? I won’t let her.
Not now. Not ever.
“How are you doing?” Zane questions as he finally takes a seat across from me in the booth. He slides over a mug of fresh tea since our last two were cold by the time we got back.
“I mean, I’m a bit shaken. To know that the people who hired me likely murdered the people they were pretending to be. And I know it’s not logical, but I’m kicking myself for not seeing through it. Shouldn’t I have sensed something? Anything?”
“You couldn’t have known. All of the employees went along with it; no one sensed anything was off.”
“I know, but still.” The warmth of the mug against my hands is soothing an ache in my chest. “I feel bad for them. I know that I didn’t know them at all, but from everything everyone said about them at work, they were good people.”
Zane starts to reach over and take my hand but hesitates.
Why? Because of what Brenda said? Or because he thinks I might have had more to do with this than he’s letting on?
“The FBI agent knows you’re not involved in their murders. If that helps at all.”
“Really?”
He nods.
“Is that what he told you outside?”
“Among other things.”
“Such as?”
Zane looks down at his mug as he holds onto it like a lifeline. “You know I don’t ever want to hurt anyone, right? I take no joy in causing anyone pain, and I’ll do anything to save a life.”
“I know you’re not a killer.”
“I told you. I’ve killed before.”
I swallow hard at the images of blood pouring out of the wound in my attacker’s neck. A wound caused by the very hands holding onto a teacup right across from me. “I know that.”
“Even before what happened last week. I’ve killed dictators no one will ever remember, taken out high-profile targets who were holding innocents hostage, and even those who were about to launch an attack that would have taken the lives of millions.
Even with that, I tried to bring them to justice first. The only time I will pull a trigger is when it’s their life or someone else’s. ”
“Zane.” I reach over to touch his hand now, and he stills beneath the contact. “I know that.”
“It’s important to me that you do. That you don’t think of me as a...” He trails off, swallowing hard. “As a violent man.”
And then it hits me.
He’s upset because he’s worried that I’m looking at him like I did my father. A man capable of horrific violence because it brought him pleasure to inflict harm on someone else.
“Zane, I know that.”
“Tessa, I hate that I’ve done it. I’ve begged for forgiveness, I’ve fought to find my way to the light whenever it would have been so much easier to descend into darkness.
” He closes his eyes and shakes his head.
“The others are the same. None of them takes any pleasure in causing harm, and I do believe—as twisted as it sounds—that we’ve made the world a better place.
” Because I sense he needs to be heard, I don’t respond.
“I killed three men running a sex trafficking ring last year. They’d captured a group of young girls from an overseas boarding school.
One of them was the daughter of a politician here in the States.
We got there, but we were too late for one of the girls.
She was seventeen, and I still haven’t forgiven myself for that. ”
His pain fills the space around us, and I squeeze his hand, hoping the contact will help him remain rooted in the present.
“I’m the one who found her. And when I did—I snapped. Sawyer pulled me off the man who killed her. He saved the monster’s life —until that monster drew a knife I hadn’t seen. He charged at me, and I took him down without a second thought.”
“He would have killed you otherwise. He killed that young girl.”
“Even then. Even knowing what he did to her. To countless others we’ll never know about. I still felt guilty doing it.” A tear rolls down his cheek as he’s thrust back into that memory, and it’s all I can do not to go to him now. To wrap my arms around him and hold him close.
“I’ve done bad things. And I won’t go so far as to say I’m a good man.
But I’m trying. And if Brenda hadn’t sunk her claws into me, I might stand a chance at fully moving forward.
Every mission, every set of orders, they put me back in that position of having to choose between life and death.
Living life with your finger on the trigger is a terrible place to be. ”
Because I can’t take it anymore, I release his hand and slide out of the booth, then sink to my knees on the seat beside him so I can face him.
Cupping his face with both hands, I run my thumbs over the stubble coating his jaw.
“Zane. You are the absolute kindest man I’ve ever known.
It was you who showed me that hands were for more than violence.
That they could hold someone gently.” Lifting his, I place it on my cheek.
Partially because I need to feel it, and partially because I need him to remember.
“From the time I was thirteen on, it was your smile that got me through each and every day. Even after I left, I’d go to sleep dreaming about you.
You were the first person on my mind every morning, no matter how hard I tried to forget you. ”
Tears burn in the corners of my eyes as I stare into his.
“You are not a brutal mercenary. You are a good man. You showed me that I was loved beyond measure. That I was created by a loving God and not some accident or mistake like my dad wanted me to believe. And even though I strayed from that faith over the years, I’m trying to find my way back because you inspired me to do that.
Because you’ve taught me that we are not our pasts. ”
Zane swallows hard and brushes his thumb over my cheek.
“Don’t let someone like Brenda convince you that you’re nothing but a killer.
Don’t make the same mistake I did by letting someone else dictate who you are.
Because you, Zane Knox, are the man I fell in love with all those years ago, and the only man who has ever made me feel like I could be anyone I wanted. ”
Heart hammering against my ribs, I stare at him, trying to decide whether what I want to do is a terrible idea or the only thing that makes any actual sense.
“You’re driving me wild, Tessa,” Zane growls, his gaze dropping to my lips. “But I won’t take that step. It has to be you.”
I want to.
So badly.
But is it a mistake?
Will we love only to lose?
And even if that’s a risk, isn’t it one worth taking?
I lean in, my lips only a whisper from his. Zane’s hand slips around to the back of my neck, and he buries it in my hair. Desire shoots through my body, coursing through my veins like a hurricane.
And when I can’t take it anymore, I close the distance and press my lips to his.
Lightning shoots through me as Zane comes to life in my hands.
Before I can even fully comprehend what’s happening, we’re out of the booth and he’s setting me on the counter, stepping up between my legs and kissing me like our lives depend on it.
Who knows? Right now, maybe they do.
He’s oxygen, and I’ve been struggling to breathe since the day I left. He demolishes every wall I’d put up around my heart, devouring the distance I’d tried so hard to maintain because I was afraid of what it meant to truly let myself love Zane Knox.
I’d nearly died the last time I lost him.
This time? I know I won’t survive.
I grip his shoulders now, giving back every ounce of ferocity he pours into the kiss. The boat rocks as though the ocean itself is drawn to what’s between us.
With a growl, Zane releases me and steps back, his gaze wide and wild. “We have to stop,” he says, breathless. “We—”
“I know.” I can’t help but smile because, man, Zane Knox can kiss. And oh, how I’ve missed it.
“I won’t—” He trails off and runs a hand over the back of his neck. “I’m not suggesting anything, but you should know that I won’t go to bed with a woman outside of marriage. I’ve done it before, but I won’t do it again.”
“I feel the same,” I tell him.
“Good.” He nods, then grins. “I’ve missed you, Tessa.”
“I’ve missed you, too, Zane.”
His smile spreads, and my stomach flips. “I do think we might need a chaperone, though. Because now that I’ve tasted what’s between us, I desperately want more.” He moves in close again, cupping my face and resting his forehead against mine.
“What do you have in mind?” I ask.
“I have a few ideas.”