14. Nataliya
FOURTEEN
Inever felt more beautiful than I did under Adrian’s gaze, under his hands. We had been at the motel for over twenty-four hours, and we were both restless…but on some level, I was actually enjoying being stuck with him. If it wasn’t for the crippling fear that someone was going to break down our door at any moment, I would almost call it a vacation.
“This is the worst orange chicken I’ve ever had,” Adrian said, digging another sauce-covered piece of meat out of the white container.
He was right—it was pretty awful—but that was what made it good too. “The rangoons are pretty good though,” I pointed out.
Adrian smiled and conceded with a nod of his head. “I used to love those.”
“Used to?”
He chuckled. “We were in California for training, and the boys wanted takeout, so we found a cheap Chinese place nearby. We got six orders of the rangoons, and it gave us the worst food poisoning. I’ve been in firefights and never felt closer to death than I did that night. Ever since, they’ve lost their appeal.”
I glanced at the bag of wontons on the bed before giggling. “More for me then.”
Adrian nodded. “Keep them.”
“Elias and I usually fight over them,” I admitted. My heart panged at the thought of my son. I’d spoken with him the night before, after getting out of a very steamy shower, and he’d told me all about the things Sam had him doing to prepare for the start of his treatment. He was excited at the prospect of being “normal,” no matter how much she and I both cautioned him that it might not be what he expected. “He’s always been very vocal about what he likes, even as a baby.”
“I can see that,” Adrian said with a soft smile that made my stomach fizzle. The soft gaze was a killer: it made me think of all kinds of things that I shouldn’t. Like what might come next, after this mission.
Don’t think about that right now, I told myself. It doesn’t matter.
Instead of dwelling, I crunched on my wonton and said, “I remember the day that I knew he was going to be a handful—we were at my family’s home, I think Elias was all of three, and he told me that he was not going to sit with the other children because ‘They won’t admit that I have better ideas for games than them.’”
Adrian snorted. “Not afraid of anything, was he?”
I shook my head. “He’s always been strong.” Without warning, my eyes began to sting, like they did before a good cry. I blinked, trying to force the tears back. “I feel like I’ve made him more paranoid since all of this started because I didn’t want to lie to him about what was going on.”
Adrian’s hand touched my knee, and he squeezed softly. “That’s not a bad thing,” he said soothingly. “It would be scarier for him to not know what was happening around him, don’t you think?”
I shrugged. “Maybe.” Our eyes met and held. “Shouldn’t I be protecting him from this stuff?” I asked. “Isn’t that what a good mother would do?”
Adrian didn’t offer platitudes. Instead, he squeezed my knee again. “I think a good mother does what she can to prepare her child for the world, and I think that’s what you’ve done with Elias. You’ve been in a shitty situation since moving to the US, and he’s sick. If he didn’t know the realities he was faced with, I think he’d be lost. And there’s also a chance he could get really hurt because he didn’t understand how to be safe and careful.” He leaned forward and kissed me, soft and sweet. “You’re a terrific mother, Nataliya. I knew that the day I met you.”
Melt me into a puddle, I thought nonsensically. But it was accurate to how I felt, how I wanted to fall into him. “Are you full?” I asked, looking down at our impromptu picnic.
His lips curved into a smirk. “I could be,” he said. “Did you have something?—?”
The phone rang, and the mood changed abruptly. He reached for the cell on the bedside table and pressed Talk. “Pierce,” he said. Whoever was on the other line spoke for a moment, and then Adrian held out the phone to me. “It’s Sam.”
I practically snatched the phone from him. “Sam? What’s up?” It wasn’t time for my call with Elias, so something must be wrong.
“I have a little man who needs to talk to you.” Sam’s voice was soft and kind, but I could hear the tension beneath it. “We went to the hospital this morning for some tests, and it was a little rough for him.”
“Put him on the phone, please.”
There was a pause, and then I heard a watery “Mama.”
“Sakharok,” I soothed. “What’s wrong?”
The little boy burst into tears. “I hurt,” he whimpered, and I knew at once what was wrong. We had never been apart, so he had never been without me when he was hurting. I had always taken care of him, but at the moment, that comfort was gone. It didn’t matter that he knew where I was, or even that he’d told me to go. All that mattered was that I wasn’t there when he needed me.
“Badly, sakharok?”
He sniffled. “No,” he admitted, but he sounded so angry. “But I wish you were here.”
“I wish I was there too,” I said. “I miss you.”
“Then, why haven’t you done anything yet? Why are you waiting?”
It was a question from a child in pain who had no concept of what he was saying…but it struck me directly in the heart. Hadn’t I been thinking of this as some kind of vacation? What did I even need a vacation from? What kind of mother was I to abandon my child to shack up in some motel room with a man I barely knew?
Self-reproach bubbled in my stomach. “We’re waiting until it’s safe,” I said. “You made Adrian promise that we would both come home safe, right?”
More sniffles, but I could hear that Elias was calming down. “Right.”
“He’s trying to live up to that promise,” I explained. “We can’t do anything until his team gets here, and they got held up. As soon as it’s safe, we’ll do what we need to do, and then I’ll come right back.”
Elias didn’t say anything for a long time, just held the phone to his ear as he whimpered. I murmured soothing nonsense things to him, like I would have done if I had been there. “I’m tired, Mama,” he said, finally all cried out.
“Go lay down, sakharok. I’ll call you first thing in the morning.”
“Okay…I love you.”
My arms ached to hold him. “I love you too.” There was another pause, and then Sam came back to the phone. “How bad is he?”
“I think he’s exhausted,” Sam said. “We did initial testing today, so he had blood drawn and a physical exam done at the hospital. I tried my best to hold his hand through it, but he definitely missed you.” He must have been terrified, I thought.
“I appreciate you being there,” I said. “I’ll call in the morning and check on him again.”
“And I’ll call if anything changes here,” she promised.
We hung up, and for a split second I wanted to hurl the cell phone at the wall. The well of frustration in my gut was deep, and I didn’t know what to do with it all.
“Is the little guy okay?”
I looked up, almost startled to see Adrian still sitting across from me. “He’s hurting,” I said. “He went to the hospital today for initial testing. It was scary and a little painful, and I wasn’t there.” I didn’t want to cry, but the urge was right there, balancing on a knife’s edge. “You were just telling me I was a terrific mother,” I said, voice thick with emotion, “and you couldn’t have been more wrong.”
“Whoa, hey, no,” Adrian said. He reached for me, wiping away my tears. “What you’re doing is brave, and it’s so that you and Elias can have a better life. Without Hayes, you could settle down somewhere permanently and build a real home.”
“But—”
He shook his head. “I can see you spiraling,” he said. “I’m not going to let you slander yourself, all right? I wasn’t lying before; you’re the kind of mother all kids should have. Elias is lucky to have you to take care of him.”
I wasn’t at all sure I agreed with him, but I wanted to believe it, so I let myself be swayed. “You don’t think he’ll hate me?”
Adrian cracked a smile. “I think all kids hate their parents at some point in their lives,” he said. “But I don’t think you have anything to worry about right now.”
I swatted at him. “Don’t remind me of the teenage years,” I said. “I’m not ready.” Though I didn’t mean it, not really. All I had wanted since hearing Elias’s diagnosis was for him to beat the odds. I’d be thrilled if he got old enough to be sullen and acne-covered, hiding in his room and listening to terrible music. Making it to thirteen, to sixteen, to twenty-one would be milestone occasions—they would mean that he survived, and that was all I could ever hope for.
“I don’t think any parent is,” Adrian said, “but I think you’ll weather that particular storm just fine. You kept your head even when faced with a heavily armed private military group; I think you can handle something as natural as puberty.”
He was trying to make me smile, and damn him, it was working, even when I didn’t want it to. When I didn’t feel like I deserved it. “I think—” I sighed. “I think I’m going to shower. Turn in early, maybe.”
Adrian raised an eyebrow. “Do you want me to join you?”
I shook my head, thinking of the last time we’d climbed into the motel’s shower together. It had been all wandering hands and searing kisses, and I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of that right now. “I’m not in the mood. I’m sorry.”
“You never have to apologize for that,” he said, eyebrows wrinkled in a cross between concern and consternation. “I just meant I could wash your hair. Maybe rub your shoulders a little.”
It was tempting, but I still shook my head. “I’d rather be alone,” I said, lying through my teeth. I’d like nothing more than to lose myself to the comfort of his arms, but I held back. What would the point be? When all this was said and done, what would any of this mean? Nothing. Elias was what mattered. He was the part of my life that was real and lasting, and he deserved my sole focus. He deserved a mother who could put everything she had into supporting and raising him. I’d had my fun, but now it was time to be serious again.
I left Adrian on the bed, looking slightly forlorn, and dug out my pajamas from my bag. “I won’t take all of the hot water,” I promised before I locked myself in the tiny bathroom.
The fan whined overhead, and the water splashed everywhere, but I stepped under the stream and let the water, near boiling hot, beat down on my shoulders. Usually, this was one of my go-to methods to relax, but today I found myself reaching to turn the temperature down.
I must be truly sensitive after everything if I couldn’t even handle a little sting from the hot water. Pathetic, I told myself. Truly pathetic.