Chapter 24 – Emma
CHAPTER 24
EMMA
I entered the kitchen to find Hayley, Jelana, and Stormie taking turns holding the babies. Shank and Stormie’s little guy, Matthew, toddled over to me in his cowboy outfit, and I snatched him up.
“Come here, you!” I smooched his rosy cheeks and he giggled, kicking his feet. “Look how big you are!”
His fiery red hair fell in loose curls around his face, and his eight front teeth came out at entirely unique angles from each other. He stuck his dirty little fingers in his mouth, pulled the corners out to the sides, and wiggled his tongue out at me, blowing out an extra drooly raspberry just inches from my face.
“You are such a handsome cowboy, Matthew!” Jelana laughed as cowboy spittle landed on my forearm.
“Got my hair and daddy’s sense of humor, that’s for sure.” Stormie shook her head. “How the heck have you been, Emma?”
“I’ve been good.” I sat down at the table to bounce Matthew on my lap, but he quickly wriggled out of my grasp and ran off to plop on the floor with Jax’s son, Sammy. “You know… trying to maintain a work/life balance.”
“I hear that's important.” Jelana hugged me around my shoulders. “Jax used to tell Nathan the same thing. As though getting shot at in foreign lands is just... work to be balanced .”
Smooth . I narrowed my eyes. “Ya, I just saw Nathan.”
“Oh, how’s he doing?” She stirred the frosting in the mixing bowl.
“The moment I walked in, it looked like his jaw damn near fell off.” I tapped my nails on the table.
“Well, can you blame him?” My sister-in-law winked at me as she sucked some frosting off her thumb and returned to working on the cake. “You look great.”
Stormie and Haley tensed, looking sideways at each other.
“You could have told me he’d be here .” I shot Jelana an accusatory look. “He definitely wasn’t expecting me.”
“I’m almost positive I mentioned it at some point.” She took a sip of her sparkling water. “ Maybe I forgot.”
“For crying out loud, Lana.” I crossed my arms. “Why would you spring something like that on someone?”
“No one is springing anything.” Jelana made a dismissive gesture. “Monkey would have been disappointed if either of you missed her special day. This is her day. You’re adults. If there’s a problem, work it out. Like, in a room somewhere with the door cracked so we can listen and live vicariously.”
“Jelana, I love you to the moon and back, but I’m with Emma on this one.” Hayley patted me on the arm from across the table. “Not all surprises are good.”
“Thank you.” I nodded to Haley.
“But…” Haley scrunched her shoulders up to her ears and smiled. “Now that you’re both here –”
“Hey, ladies.” Nathan knocked on the wall as he entered the kitchen and I felt all the blood rush to my head. “Can I help with anything?”
“Pretty sure you’re a fire hazard.” Stormie snorted, eyeing the fluffy purple boa around his neck. “What are you wearing?”
He smiled, pulling off the feathery monstrosity along with the tiara and setting them on the table. “When a little girl gives you a tiara––you wear it.”
“Good man.” Stormie patted him on the shoulder as she ran over to Matthew who was prying a toy tractor out of Sammy’s hands. “Matthew Dallas Rome. We share, Mr. Man.”
“Hi, Nate.” Hayley stood up and gave him a hug. “Thanks for sending that coffee. It’s been a life-saver. I never splurge for the good stuff!”
“How’s the latest article coming?” He patted her on the back, putting his hands in his pockets.
“Oh, you know how it goes.” She glanced back at me. “It’s hard to... put feelings into words sometimes ... but it'll be worth it.”
Subtle… My stomach clenched, and I resisted the urge to slink under the table like I had no bones. Hayley was one of my favorite people to hang out with when I came to visit, but the woman was too outspoken for her own good.
“Dammit!” Jelana rattled off an angry string of Russian curse words. “I left the birthday candles in your brother’s workshop.”
“I’ll go,” Nathan and I said at the same time.
Stormy pressed her lips together like she was fighting the urge to smile and she and Haley exchanged another look.
“Thanks, you two.” Jelana winked. “They’re pink with glitter. I think Jax put them in a drawer, but I could be wrong.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
Everyone present knew full well it didn’t take two people to retrieve birthday candles. Still, feeling my face flush and seeing Nathan turn ghost-white every time we bumped into each other is no way to spend a weekend.
We headed for the back door that led down a winding path through the garden to Jax’s workshop.
“I’m sorry about this.” I bit my lip, trying to sound casual. “I thought they’d tell you I was coming.”
“Yeah.” He let out a soft, nervous laugh. “I mean, no. You don’t have anything to be sorry about. You’re family. Did… you know I’d be here?”
“I knew it was a possibility ?” I smirked, arching an eyebrow at him. “Although, I was kind of expecting a different reaction.”
“What were you expecting?” A soft smile played at the corner of his lips.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged.
Stone paths met at the center of the garden and led off in five directions. We took the one snaking down between the tall tufts of cat tails leading toward Jax’s workshop. Using the key Jelana gave me, I unlocked one of the two rollup doors, allowing us entry. The smell of paint thinner and sawdust rolled out. Sunlight spilled through the windows that faced every direction.
Besides the small pile of wood shavings that had been swept into the corner and left in the dustpan instead of put into the trash that was literally less than a foot away, the entire place was organized like something we were trapped in an OCD wet dream. Various sizes of screwdrivers hung on the wall in order from biggest to smallest along with a wide selection of tools I didn’t recognize.
The rusty frame of a vintage bus was hoisted up on jacks on one side of the garage and on the opposite side were little pink go-carts that looked mid-restoration.
“Wow.” I ran my fingers along the roll-cage. “I wonder if Jelana knows he’s giving Monkey a deathtrap for her fifth birthday.”
“Not if he knows what’s good for him.” Nathan chuckled, his blue eyes sparkling, even in the low mid-afternoon sun.
“You know…” My mouth started trying to talk without my brain’s permission, but I stopped myself. “Sorry, nevermind.” I shook my head, turning to rummage through one of the drawers.
I was still hung up on the question he’d asked earlier. How did I expect him to react? The truth was, I didn’t know what I was expecting.
I broke the man’s heart.
That door's shut.
We've both moved on.
Even walking up to the shed, I knew nothing would ever change these facts.
But now, alone with him, the only man who’s ever…
All I want is for him to flash that charming smile and start over like we were meeting for the first time.
He leaned his backside against the shop table in the middle of the room and stared down at the floor. “I’m sorry, Emma.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” I glanced over my shoulder at him, closing the drawer and moving over to the next one.
“I wasn’t expecting to see you today.” He rubbed the back of his neck, shifting his weight back to his feet. “I am happy that you’re here, though.”
“You are?” I turned around to face him.
“Of course.” His brows pinched together and he forced a weak smile. “I realized I crossed a line that last day when I was in the hospital. I look back on what I said, and I think it kinda came across as... begging or a guilt trip." He looked around the room, the ground, and brought his surprisingly sincere eyes back to me. "I don't need anything from you or want to tie you down. But, I enjoyed the hell out of my time with you. I don't want to ruin that by...” He gulped, and I swear, every emotion a man could ever feel was just under the surface of his face.
He held out his open hand.
“Well... You okay being friends?”
My heart sank.
Isn't this what I wanted?
It feels like everything in the room just died.
I sighed, reaching out to shake his hand. “Sure.”
The handshake slowed but neither of us let go.
Legs trembling, I took three hesitant steps forward, closing the gap between us. His adam's-apple bobbed as he swallowed and I inhaled the earthy scent of his cologne, dizzy from the rush of being close to him again.
“Emma…” His smoothly-shaven jaw brushed against my forehead. “I can’t.”
I took a step back. “Why not?”
The sadness clouding his brow broke my heart and tied my stomach in knots. He sighed and continued, “If we’re going to be friends–”
“No, that wasn’t–” I stammered.
“Right.” He nodded, biting his lip and frowning. “Sorry. I assumed–”
“No!” I groaned, putting my hands over my face and pacing in a circle. Here I am trying to tell the guy I’m in love with him and he thought I was offering casual sex?
“I’m really confused.” Nathan ran a hand through his shaggy blonde hair. “Did I do something wrong?”
Some therapist I turned out to be… My eyes clouded with tears. The one time in my life when I need to say what I want to say, and I can’t get the words out.
“No, you didn’t do anything.” I shook my head and turned around, tossing the keys onto the table. “Lock up on your way out, will you?”
“Emma, stop!” His voice halted me in my tracks. I turned around, folding my arms.
“What?” I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eye.
“I realize that we didn’t know each other for long.”
He walked up to me, his broad shoulders blocking out the sun.
“But those few days with you…"
The ray of sunlight's warmth was replaced with Nathan's touch. He delicately placed his hand just below my shoulder, the warmth of his palm on my arm connecting straight to my thumping heart. He strummed his thumb across me, sparking a dozen intimate memories of...
“…I’d die to do it all over again."
A wave of goosebumps swept over my skin.
I looked up at him through my glassy eyes.
I hoped my face could do the talking because my mind was completely out of words.
He wiped a tear from my eye and pulled a hanging strand of hair back behind my ear.
“I’m not good at this kind of thing,” he whispered.
"But I do know... somewhere between crashing and drowning... I fell deeply and madly in love with you, Emma. Even if you don't feel the same."
Being so close to him and hearing him say what I couldn't brought every defence tumbling down.
My hands moved on their own, wrapping around his waist, and pulled him closer. Every inch of me burned for him, and all I could do was stare up at him and try not to fall down.
“Please…” He glanced at my lips, then returned to my eyes. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
Forcing myself to take a couple breaths, I gathered my nerve and planted my feet.
“I…” The room spun around me and I clung to him like I’d get sucked out into space if I let go. “I'm thinking the same thing I have been ever since the hospital."
I couldn't stop staring at his lips, the ones I had missed more than I could ever put into words. The memory of their warmth, their gentleness, haunted me every day.
His brow furrowed with concern as he continued grazing his thumb across my arm, sending shivers soaring repeatedly down my spine.
His eyes searched mine, filled with a mixture of hope and fear.
I took a deep breath, trying to steady my racing heart.
"Nathan, ever since the hospital, I've been haunted by a single thought," my voice cracked, emotion choking my words. "Walking away..."
Tears welled up in my eyes, blurring his face. "I thought I was protecting myself, protecting you, but I was wrong. So wrong."
My voice trembled, but I was determined. "I can't keep pretending I'm okay without you, because I'm not."
His eyes softened, the tension in his shoulders easing. "Emma..."
I placed my hand over his chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart beneath my palm. "I don't want to run anymore. I want..."
The world around us faded, and in that moment, all that mattered was us. "Please, Nathan," I whispered, my heart laid bare. "Don't let me walk away again."
Throwing my arms around his neck, I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him deeply.
He bowed his head, pulling my hair softly and tilting his face to coax my lips apart.
His scent rushed over me with every breath.
With each moment of embrace, a month of regrets washed away.
With each taste, another worry about the future became meaningless.
With a satisfying nibble, a white-hot blaze returned to my soul.
Nathan scooped me up by my butt and I let out a yip. He plopped me onto a wooden craft table, my legs naturally wrapping around him as we continued to kiss.
“I’ll hold onto you…” he whispered between kisses, his breath warming my neck, “…until my last breath.”
His wet lips trailed along the crook of my neck, and as I ran my fingers through his hair, breathing in his intoxicating scent, everything in the world fell into place.
God, I love this man.
Controlled … defined as an adjective, meaning restrained, managed or kept within certain bounds.
And crash … means to fall or come down violently.
There is nothing controlled about falling in love with Nathan Blake.
I spun out of control, powerless to stop it or slow it down.
Only by giving in and facing what I feared most did I find peace in the chaos––The kind of peace that only comes from letting go.