4. ALLISON
Chapter four
ALLISON
T he door opens as Jacob walks in, lugging big boxes of stuff from my car with him. Maddie’s laughter in combination with her grabbing at his hair makes it clear that she wants her uncle’s attention as he passes us to drop the bags near the couch.
I hadn’t realized how empty Jacob’s house felt until I saw him filling it with Maddie’s stuff. I’d been here for days now, but hadn’t really ventured farther than the kitchen, bathroom, and the living room.
I shift, pulling her away, bouncing quickly to reduce the tantrum I know she is capable of throwing. The last few days have been an endless route of Maddie going from my arms to his, refusing to be happy with either. I know in my heart it’s her confusion. She’s missing her mother, but the lack of sleep I’m dealing with is at least a buffer between me and the all-consuming grief I am feeling.
Mentally going through the stuff we’ve already moved into Jacob’s place, I look at the new boxes.
Jacob takes Maddie from me who, at first, is delighted, but almost immediately realizes she didn’t want this either. Jake and I make eye contact, a moment of brief solidarity, before his expression shutters and we’re back to that same old standoff.
I sigh, pulling out a half-empty box of diapers.
“Are there more of the things we need at Emily’s place?” he asks, worry evident.
“Yeah, some of it—enough to last us through the weekend, at least.” A nod from Jacob shows he understands. “Are you planning on… staying here? Permanently?”
Jacob looks at me with a frown. “As opposed to…?”
“Emily’s apartment.”
He freezes. “I’m not sure.”
I nod. “It’s just… I live really close to Emily’s.”
Jacob’s eyes flicker to mine. He considers me for a second, then nods.
“I’ll stop by her place after,” he says, his voice firm. “To get more stuff, just for now while we—while I decide.”
I fight the burst of irritation that grows within me when he uses this tone of voice, when he cuts me out of a decision. I know it’s his right, but I hate it.
Tightly, I choose my words carefully. “I still think I can come with you to the funeral home. I'll hold on to Maddie while you take care of the paperwork. Then, when you're done, you can hold her for a bit while I go see Emily.”
His expression doesn’t change, but I know it’s useless anyway.
“I know technically it can work,” he snaps, “but I won’t have you guys on the road, not right now, and definitely not for the trip there and back.”
I bite hard on the inside of my cheek. “It’s not really up to you—”
“Maddie is, right? Would you rather I choose a different babysitter?”
I glower at him. He scowls right back.
Then he offers me Maddie. Unable to say no, I collect her in my arms. “Fine,” I give in.
“Allison,” His voice softens, dropping an octave as he holds my gaze with his. “I want to go to the funeral home and come back knowing that both of you are safe at home where I left you. Please stay here, Allison, and I’ll breathe easier the entire time.”
He walks closer as he speaks, and I nod. It’s ridiculous and faintly chauvinistic, but if I’m being really honest, the idea of putting Maddie in the car doesn’t sit right with me either.
And, as much as I need to say goodbye to Emily, I’m not so sure I could handle seeing her like that.
“Thank you, Allison.” He smiles, small and barely there. He presses his house key into my hand. “Lock up after me and stay inside please.”
Leaning down to plant a kiss on Maddie’s cheek while she’s secure in my arms, his body brushes against mine. The heat of him bleeds into me for a moment, and I close my eyes.
There’s nothing between us beyond a faint memory and a lot of bickering, but Jacob is the closest thing I have to solidarity right now. Even if it’s brief and not intended for me, I let myself feel comfort from his presence, from his arm against mine; his warmth, his support.
Then he pulls away, my eyes open, and the world is back to normal.
I pretend to not feel disappointed.
I watch him till he is all the way outside, even stepping out to the foyer so I can watch him get into his truck before pulling away. Maddie watches him, seemingly worried about his return, and I reassure her with what I know to be the truth.
“Shush. It’s okay, baby. I promise we are going to be okay.”
I cuddle Maddie in my arms and gently sway her back and forth so she can feel the rocking motion she loves. I am hoping it will stop her fussing, but she doesn’t take the bait. She lets me know I have earned her displeasure with loud wails.
Getting over her bout of drowsiness a couple of minutes after Jacob had passed her over to me on his way out, she is now refusing all attempts to lull her back to sleep.
“You are selling me out, Maddie. I hope you know that. After all we have been through together, you betray me. It hurts, you know. Well, you wouldn’t know baby, but it hurts regardless.”
Her yells reduce in frequency, and I grab the opportunity. “You stay happy and sleepy in Uncle Jacob’s hands, but now you’re with me you’re crying.” Maddie ends a long wail and is paying attention to me now, her cries temporarily halted. It feels like she is granting me an audience so she can decide if she’ll continue listening or she’ll go back to crying. I intend to sell her a good pitch.
“I’m your godmother, and back in the day among babies, that used to mean something. But these days everything has changed.” I pitifully complain, using a sweet baby talk voice. “I understand. I would want a big and strong uncle too.” Maddie scrunches up her nose before she lets out a peal of laughter.
Her laughter is just as excited as when Jacob first walked through the door, and that’s enough to make me think of him.
Poor Jake. I had thought sadly. Maybe I should have gone with you.
“Your uncle will move heaven and earth to keep you safe. Trust me baby, nothing can keep him from coming back to you Maddie. Not a single thing.” I repeat to her, my voice filled with concern.
Cooing to her, I manage to lull her to sleep, breathing a sigh of relief once she is fast asleep.
“Come back soon Jake. We are waiting for you.” I whisper to the still and empty air.