7. JACOB
Chapter seven
JACOB
P utting Maddie to bed with Allison was easy. So easy that I felt like it might not be true, but ten minutes later she is still there, looking as innocent and cherubic as a painted version of angels.
I think about Emily as I watch Maddie sleep. It has been less than a month since the accident, and yet I am already sleeping in her bed, her clothes are at this very moment pushed to the back of the closet to make room for mine. Very soon, most of her belongings will have new owners and users, until almost everyone forgets about her.
Everyone but me, Allison, and you, little Maddison.
There will eventually be a time when she will fade away from the minds of most of those who knew her, and she’ll become just a passing memory, but for Maddie and me, she will always be more than that. She will always be here, living on in her baby girl, and living on in me. For those who had shared a bond tighter than just that of casual friendship, she will be immortalized in their memory.
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.
Allison flashes through my mind, and the thought of her gives me a good feeling. One that I can’t describe. I may not be able to say exactly what feeling it is, but I can describe exactly what I think Allison is. Loyal.
Maybe it’s my time with my team of SEALs, maybe it’s the way Millie and I grew up, but I appreciate that loyalty almost more than anything else.
Only a loyal friend would do as much, and go as far as she has. I think, knowing that in these very few days, she has more than earned her title of godmother in my opinion.
Leaving the room, I turn to look back at Maddie on my way out, recollecting the first moment I saw her in Allison’s grip, looking for all the world like she fitted with her, and despite the sadness of the day, I can feel a small smile on my face. I shake my head in amusement, and then I make my way to where I’ll be sleeping.
Emily’s room looks nothing like I imagined a mom’s room would. An abominably old poster of Clint Eastwood in all his cowboy glory hangs on the wall. It is a stereotypical teenage girl room, and at the same time it is so different from the look of her room the last time I saw it, even though it smells the same way; like a mix of books and her perfume.
Odd knick-knacks and paraphernalia fill the bedside table, as well as magazines on child health and wellness. Those are the first indications that this room doesn’t belong to a teenage girl.
But at the end of the day, she was Emily first, before anything else, including being a mom.
Looking at the stuff in her room is painful, and I once again consider moving back to my place with Maddison, but I remind myself that I’m not here to make my own life better or easier. I’m here to take care of her.
Besides, Allison is closer here. Maddison deserves that.
I make my way to bed, baby monitor in hand as I slip under the covers. Placing it on the bedside table, I close my eyes and perform a breathing exercise to get my mind in order by focusing on every image or thought flashing through my mind, imagining folding it in an envelope, and then putting it in a box. I do this over and over for every single one of them until I finally drift away, the weight of sleep gently pulling me closer.
* * *
No sleep. None at all.
I haven’t gotten a wink of sleep all night, and now that it is daylight, I can’t afford to sleep. I hadn’t realized quite how much help Allison was giving me. Thankfully, Maddie is sleeping soundly now, having gone back to sleep in the wee hours of the morning, but not before she had spent a good portion of the morning screaming her lungs out for no discernible reason. Her long overdue sleep meant that I could do other things, but the daylight seeping through the blinds commands me to continue my task in another capacity.
I now have to arrange and put the house—particularly the kitchen—in order while still keeping an eye on her as she sleeps. I’d considered hiring cleaners, but decided ultimately I wanted to be the one to clean out Emily’s apartment, even if it meant starting with month-old groceries.
Cleaning up the dishes on no sleep is a struggle and would definitely be overwhelming for a lot of people. The only reason I am still on my feet and haven’t crashed out on a couch somewhere is because of my training, which has greatly increased my endurance without sleep.
The fact that I can go without sleep doesn't mean I enjoy it, but right now, I can't help it. Like everything else I do, I focus all my attention on getting the dishes done in as little time as possible.
Maddie wakes up after less than five hours’ of sleep, but this time she doesn’t announce it by crying. I only know that she is awake when I take a peek at the baby monitor and see her trying to fit her foot in her mouth.
I pop in quickly, my mood rising just by seeing her.
“Good morning, princess. How’d you sleep?” I ask, returning the smile she directs my way when she sees me.
“Maaah!” Her only response is an inarticulate sound which I can’t quite understand. For all I know she could be asking for her mom, but to me it’s all babble. I try not to pay too much attention to it because she is all smiles and giggles, but I can’t help feeling conflicted about it. I want her to retain memories of her mother, but I also want her not to be sad, and the former cannot happen without the possibility of the latter.
I made Emily a promise… I’ll make sure to keep her memory alive in a positive way. I know Maddie won’t remember her like I will, but I’ll be sure to tell her everything about her amazing mom. My sister's beautiful spirit will never be forgotten.
I lift her up from her crib, and the smell which follows makes it clear that she needs a diaper change right now.
“How’s it that you can raise a riot when you need to eat, and even after eating, but you don’t say anything about this?”
She looks at me with wide eyes.
“Huh?” I follow up, but it is clear I’m not getting a response any time soon. Maddie is preoccupied with trying to bite my hair, and the determined expression on her face coupled with her squinted eyes and pursed lips is comical. I don’t even know when I start laughing.
“Alright. Time for a bath, young lady.”
Swinging her around to amuse her, I make my way to the bathroom where I find out that giving a bath to an eleven-month-old is as difficult as disarming a land-mine. There’s a small baby bath that Allison taught me how to use, but even with that, it’s hard to keep the water and soap out of her eyes.
It is less of a bath and more of a wrestling contest by the time I’m halfway through it. The only difference is that this wrestler is as slippery as an eel, and twice as stubborn as a bull. Maddie makes it a point to get me as wet as she is by the time we are done.
Deciding on not changing my clothes and just waiting until I have my own bath, I turn my time and attention to the next task. Putting on a new diaper.
Despite having done it alone at least a half dozen times now—most of those, admittedly, being last night—I cannot for the life of me figure out how tight to get it this time. Maybe it’s because I’m picking her up right after instead of leaving her laying in her crib, but the diaper keeps sliding off her no matter how tightly I pull the tabs.
“Sweet baby Jesus. How do I put this on now?”
A sound alarms me, and I drop the diaper. Maddie giggles beneath the clean material.
The doorbell rings, but I decide to let whoever is there rot, at least until I can get this diaper on her.
Another ring follows, and a third before I decide I might as well just answer the door if they are going to keep at it.
“Maddie.”
She turns to stare at me with her hazel eyes, a serious expression on her face.
“You stay put, okay?” It’s not like she can go anywhere, but it feels good to tell her.
Maddie’s response is to clap her hands together and gurgle nonsensically in my direction.
“Good.”
Talking to a baby like that probably ranks high on the list of concerning behaviors, but I have not gotten a wink of sleep for days now. Allowances can surely be made for me.
Securing Maddie in her cot so she can’t find her way to the ground, I march to the door with a few choice words on my mind for the visitor.
I walk to the front door and open it to see a familiar face. Allison.
“Good morning, Allison. I completely forgot you were coming today.” That’s a lie. Since about 3:00a.m., I have been waiting for her to come back. I was just distracted by Maddie. But I’m not about to admit that to her.
“Hey Jacob. You don’t look like you got any sleep. You okay?”
“You don’t even know the half of it.” I could talk about my long night, but I decide that discretion could be the better part of valor. “But yeah, I’m okay.”
I start making my way back into the nursery so I can finish up putting Maddie in her diaper.
“How’s my baby girl?” Allison takes a look at Maddie, pinching her cheek while leaning into the crib. She turns back to look at me. “Having troubles with the diapers?”
“More than you could possibly know, Allie. Please show me how to put these on properly.”
All of my pride is gone. I just want to know how to do this so I can pull it off by myself next time.
“Sure thing. Did you powder her first?”
That was the first thing I did after toweling her off, and then I followed that by trying to put on the darn thing which just wouldn’t stay in place.
“First thing I did.”
“Good. Now this time, actually watch what I do so you can do it easily by yourself.”
I’m a bit annoyed, but since she has shown me how to do this before, I bite my tongue and just nod.
Allison is quite the teacher. I watch attentively as she shows me how to put the diaper on Maddie and secure it properly. By the time she has finished, I am sure I can do it in my sleep.
“Thank you. You are honestly amazing. It seems so easy when you do it.”
“You’re welcome. It’s all practice.” Allison is almost blushing at my thanks; her face lighting up with a gentle smile. “I, uh. Babysat a lot. Maddie and, you know… growing up, others.”
With her watching Maddie now, it is easier to attend to other things I have put off. Like finally taking a bath and getting something to eat.
Once I am done with my bath, I quickly put on some clothes and then I root out my laptop from my backpack, digging through my clothes to reach it so I can make the call I have been putting off for some time now.
This first. Then food. I think as the video call rings. When it connects, Micky’s face is the first I see before Pete joins in, too.
“Hello, chief. I thought you had forgotten about us. To be honest…”
On his half of the screen, Micky has a completely mischievous smile on his face, and I know his next words will be outrageous. I’m grateful when Pete cuts him off before he can get started.
“Cool your jets Micky, you narcissist.” Pete is smiling at first, but he visibly sobers up when he wants to talk to me. “I’m sorry about your sister, Chief. I know none of this can possibly be easy.”
“That’s what I was going to say next, but you think I can’t be serious. It’s a damn shame.” Micky shakes his head in mock sadness. I know it’s all an act to get my spirits up, and I really appreciate the thought from my officers. “I am sorry ‘bout it, Chief. When my old man snuffed it, I felt like my world went a little bit darker. I can’t imagine what this feels like for you.”
My throat nearly closes up. When I told my commanding officer that I needed time away, I knew he would share the reason with my team. I’d even welcomed it, thinking it meant I could avoid that horrible conversation altogether. But it turns out, this conversation is just as terrible.
“Thank you, Pete. Micky.” I almost consider saying more but end up just nodding. The men nod back at me.
“You holding up?” Pete asks.
I nod again. “Just getting used to the new normal.”
“That’s the chief I know.” Micky crows. I think he is done but, in his usual way, Micky keeps on speaking. “Heard you’ve got a kid now.”
Pete palms his face in exasperation. “I told you not to say anything about that!” He looks at me now. “You see why we don’t tell him anything?”
The words sting, but I know Micky is just trying to be supportive in that clumsy way of his. I take a moment while Pete is scolding him, swallowing hard.
“My niece,” I correct quietly. “I’m taking care of her now, yeah.”
“That’s why you’re not coming back at all, right? Instead of just taking leave?”
I feel my throat tighten. I nod. “I guessed the captain would have told you guys.”
I had originally only asked for leave to take care of Emily’s funeral. After Allison showed up with Maddie in her arms, I’d had to call my captain back and tell him I didn’t think I was ever coming back.
I shouldn’t be surprised that my team found out. It was only a matter of time before they realized I wasn’t coming back.
“Sorry,” Pete says. Then, with a shrug. “Can we meet her?”
I nod. “One sec.”
The truth is, I do want to show Maddie off, at least a little.
I hadn’t thought I would be in charge of a child anytime soon, but I couldn’t be prouder to show Maddie off to my men. I leave my room for a bit before I return with Maddie in my arms. She is awake and content to just stare around her with that special gaze of wonderment only babies have.
“Here she is. Princess Maddison in all her glory.” A series of oohs and aahs from both of my men follow her arrival. “Say hi, baby.” I tell her.
Predictably, Maddie doesn’t listen to me and continues staring until a wave from Micky on the screen catches her attention. She reaches out, trying to touch both the men’s faces. All that is there is glass.
“She’s a pretty one. And she looks more than a little bit like you, Chief.” Pete murmurs, staring at Maddie in wonder. It would be comical if I didn’t understand why, because as biased as I might be, it was absolutely true to say that she is the most beautiful child walking the earth.
“More like my sister,” I say softly. Their expressions soften, and I clear my throat. From outside of the room, I hear a shuffling sound stop—Allison, listening in. I want to be annoyed, but the apartment is small, and I don’t have the energy to care much.
“That she is. The little tyke looks just like her uncle.” Micky agrees. “So that’s the end of the road for you, Chief? No more missions.”
“It is. I wasn’t there for my sister when she needed me. Hell, I couldn’t even protect all of you when it came down to it. So I’m going to focus, and do everything I can to make sure she never misses a parent for all of her life. As much as I can, at least.”
If Jeff doesn’t come and take her away, I think worriedly.
“I understand. We all understand, Chief. And please don’t say you didn’t do enough for us.
You did more than anyone could expect of you. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be alive today. So thank you. For every single second of your service. It was an honor serving with you.” Pete salutes me, and Micky follows suit.
Their actions are enough to bring tears to my eyes, but I manage to hold it back. They’d just laugh like hyenas the next time one of them brought it up.
“It was an honor serving with you, Chief,” Micky declares, holding his salute, back ramrod straight.
“It was an honor serving with all of you.” I return the salute, most likely the last one I would ever make as a SEAL. “At ease.” I command, and they relax. The moment passes, but I know it won’t be one we will forget anytime soon.
I feel different already, like something has irreversibly changed in me. I would share it with them, but I don’t know how to put it into words, so I remain silent.
Right then, Allison pokes her head through my open door looking for Maddie. “Is Maddie there with you?”
“Yeah. I’ve got her.”
“Oh good, I was worried she had run off somewhere.”
“Hardly.” I mutter dryly. “Maddie’s more likely to order someone to take her anywhere before she lifts a finger herself.”
Allison notices the call and waves a greeting to them. “Hi,” she calls out.
Pete and Micky’s response is a mischievous chorus, and I know they are about to start something. I need to cut them off so I turn back to Allison planning to ask her something—anything to take her attention off them—but she beats me to the chase.
“I’m making breakfast. You want some?”
“Sure. Thank you very much.” I haven’t eaten more than coffee and toast, and the stress of not sleeping has stolen my appetite. Allison’s reminder kickstarts it. “I could literally eat a horse right now.”
“Okay. Come this way when you’re done.” With a parting wave, she heads back to the kitchen.
I turn back to the screen to see my men holding back laughter, and like I’ve learnt through years of battle, it is always better to go on the offensive than wait for another attack.
“I can’t believe either of you is old enough for service. God! You sound like five-year olds talking about getting cooties from girls.”
The stubborn men are not the least bit ashamed of themselves, and I can’t help but join them in the laughter. It feels good to let loose with them.
“I’m not going to let you give me a hard time. Besides, I’m hungry. We’ll talk later, gents.” I hurry out before I end the call along with their incessant cackling. I chuckle as I do, because I couldn’t be angry at them even if I tried.