21. JACOB
Chapter twenty-one
JACOB
A ll I can think about is Allison. I miss her and I’m honest enough with myself to admit it. I knew this would happen, and I also knew it would happen quickly, but I didn’t expect to crave her with every fiber of my being in only a couple of days. I have spent most of the time without her, yearning for her presence.
Having Allison here with me transformed this apartment into a home, and now that she isn’t here anymore, it is just cold and empty.
“I miss her, Maddie; I miss Allie pretty badly.” Maddie looks up at me at the mention of both her name and Allison’s. “I know you miss her too, baby. Nothing is the same without her here.”
My words are completely true because ever since Allison left, I haven’t been able to function in the same way. I have managed to handle the basics, like taking care of Maddie and providing everything she needs with Sherry’s help, but that isn’t the reason I feel like my world has caved in without her.
“I don’t miss her because of the chores or any of the other household things she’s been doing. I mean, I don’t exactly like doing it myself, but I can manage just fine. The reason I’m missing her so much is because I don’t want to live this way. I don’t want to live without her to hold, laugh with, and talk to. I don’t want to live the rest of my life without her.” I complain to Maddie, and despite her attention being glued to me, I know she doesn’t have a clue as to what I mean.
“I don’t know what to do.” I finish tiredly. “I’ve messed it all up because I was too afraid to let her see all parts of me, the bad and the good, and now I don’t know how to fix it.”
I can feel a headache coming on, so I sit on the couch next to Maddie as I pinch the bridge of my nose with the other. “I know you probably think I’m crazy, and to be honest I don’t blame you.”
I feel her hand on my head. When I raise it, I see Maddie with her arm stretched out as she pets my head in her attempt at comforting me as she coos gibberish at me. Her intention is clear as day, and it is heartwarming.
“Thank you, baby. I appreciate that.” I tell her as I lift her to sit her down on my chest.
We settle into an easy silence. I rub gentle circles into her back when she burps, and she settles down back into a groggy wakefulness. The silence is split by the ringing of my phone, and I reach out to silence it before I check to see who the caller is.
“Hello, Naomi.”
“Hi Jacob. How are you doing?” She sounds calm and happy like the Naomi I have always known.
“I’m good. You okay?”
“I’m great. I’m on my way to the airport right now, and I’d like to see you before I leave. Can we do that?”
The last time we had spoken, Naomi had said she was glad that I had found love. At the time I had been befuddled because I didn’t know it for certain, but the moment Allison had listened to me and left, I knew that part of my heart had broken and I was letting the person I loved walk away; there wasn’t anything I could do then.
And there’s nothing I can do now either.
“I can come and pick you up on your way if you want that.”
“I’ll have Janice drop me at your house before we finally go to the airport. I want to get a look at princess Maddison before I leave if that’s okay?”
“That’s great. Stop by when you can.”
“Bye, Jake. See you soon.”
“Bye.” I put down the phone when the call ends and I settle back into the easy silence while I wait for Naomi to arrive.
A loud and obnoxious honking from outside announces her arrival. I make sure Maddie is settled and content before I go to the door, where I find Naomi sitting in Janice’s passenger seat.
“The honking was unnecessary, Janice, I have a baby inside for goodness’ sake.” I call out, my tone and expression showing just how unimpressed I am with her actions.
She covers her mouth with one hand when she realizes. “I’m so sorry, Jakey. I just assumed she was over at Sherry’s.”
“Hello, Naomi.” I greet her, pulling the door open so she can step out. “Drop the ‘Jakey’ from now on and I will consider forgiving you.” I tell Janice.
“And if I don’t?” she demands impishly.
“Then I ban you from my household.” I reply deadpan.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Jake.” She apologizes with both hands clasped together. “Is that better?” she asks.
“Very much so.” I answer, closing the door after Naomi is all the way out. I pause for a moment, then look at Janice. “Want to come in and take a peek at the princess, too?”
“Why yes, I’d love that,” she declares with a flourish.
I make my way into the apartment with Janice and Naomi on my heels. When they are in position to get a good look at Maddie, Janice rushes over to pick a very awake Maddie up.
“Hello, Maddie. I’m really glad to see you again,” Naomi says, giving her a soft handshake and gently gripping her little hand. After casting a mischievous look at Janice, Naomi’s tone turns conspiratorial. “I’m also sorry about Janice. She’s much too loud, I know.” This meeting is very different from the last. Maddie smiles at Naomi, then starts babbling incoherently.
“She’s got a pretty smile, just like her dad,” she declares as she lets go of Maddie’s hand.
I still feel that same painful pull in my heart when someone calls Maddie my daughter, but it’s less upsetting now—more like a five than a ten. I just say thank you, and she smiles like she knows what that cost me.
Janice and Maddie start playing, and pretty soon, Maddie is oblivious to the rest of us; her attention completely monopolized by our red-haired visitor.
“Reckon we can get a chance to talk, now?” Naomi asks.
I glance back at Maddie, and like I expected, she is almost entranced by the faces Janice is making at her and chuckling at the more strange ones. “I think we are in the clear, plus I’m pretty sure Maddie is not getting bored anytime soon.”
We take a short walk to the balcony where we sit next to each other. We sit in companionable silence until I break it when I ask a question. “What’s the plan Naomi? Where are you going now?”
She raises a dainty hand to wrestle a wayward lock of hair back under control and I am flushed with memories of when I used to be the one doing that for her.
Different times. Different times indeed.
The bout of nostalgia that follows is pretty easy to break through when I think about the person I want to be doing this for, the person who is probably planning on going away soon because I pushed her to. There is a sharp sting in my chest and I recognize it as my heart aching for her.
Who would have thought it?
A couple of months ago I would have been completely assured that anyone complaining of actual physical pain as a result of being romantically heartbroken was being dramatic, but that was then. Now I know it is a completely normal occurrence when your heart is aching for someone and I can’t help wondering if she is feeling the same way.
Wondering or hoping?
I ask myself because even though causing her pain is the last thing on my mind, I can’t help but hope that she feels the same way about me as I feel about her. Enough to be hurting just like I am.
“California. I have a job offer there and it’s a pretty interesting one, too. There are a lot of benefits and bonuses involved and with no reason to stay here… I choose that.” A slight shrug of her shoulder punctuates her sentence. “Besides, I love the beach. So what is there not to love about it?”
“I’m glad you have something great for you, Naomi. Really.”
“Thank you, Jake.”
I just nod in response to her thanks as I contemplate if I should talk to her about Allison or not. The hesitancy must be clearly showing on my face because she addresses it. “You know you can ask me anything. No matter what it is.” She bumps her shoulders against mine as she queries me.
“It’s about Allison...” I start, unsure if that’s a topic I can actually discuss with her.
“Spill.”
Her tone brooks no contention and so I give in, hoping that talking about it will help with this heavy lump in my chest.
“Allison got a job in New York, NYU to be exact. She didn’t want to take it, but I… Well I said some convincing stuff as to why she should.”
“Meaning you acted like a moron?” Naomi interjects, rolling her eyes.
I swallow. “That easy to read?”
“You used to do it all the time. I hoped you’d grown out of it and realized women are able to make decisions on their own.”
I look down, ashamed. “Of course I do. I just… Well, I just wanted her to pick herself.”
“She didn’t really get a fair pick, though, did she?” Naomi says softly.
I swallow hard. “We fought about it a bit, and somewhere in there, I ended up saying some really mean things to her.”
“Did you mean it?” She asks me, brows furrowed as she stares straight into my eyes. “All the mean stuff you told her. Did you mean it?”
“No! Of course not! I didn’t mean any of that, I didn’t even think about any of it for a single moment before I said it. I just wanted to give her a reason to leave.”
Naomi heaves a heavy sigh and she places a hand on my shoulder. “Jacob, I don’t know why I have to tell you this because it should be something you know already, but I’ll still say it. Stop sabotaging your happiness.”
“I’m not sabotaging my happiness. Do you think I don’t want to be happy or I prefer being in this apartment alone? I don’t. I would be a fool if I didn’t want myself to be happy.” I protest vigorously, but Naomi’s only reaction is to shake her head sadly. Her actions only make my emotions flare higher.
“How are you feeling right now?”
“Mad.” I am honest, and even if I wasn’t, my emotions are visible on my face so it would be no use to lie.
“Do you know why you’re angry right now? No wait…don’t answer that. The reason you’re angry is because you unconsciously realize that I’m telling the truth, and it’s a truth you are uncomfortable with. Do you miss her?”
This question is a no brainer because it is evident. “Yes. Of course I do.”
“And do you think she might feel the same way?”
“I hope so.” I think she may feel the same way but I am not certain of it.
“Then the only thing I’ll tell you is to stop sabotaging your happiness and stop taking away her reason to stay. The reason I’m leaving is because I don’t have a home here and I want to look for that, but if my guess is correct, the reason Allison is leaving is because you’ve managed to convince her that she doesn’t have a home here and there is no reason to stay.”
When she says it, it seems straightforward, black and white; but in reality it is never that easy. “I want her here, make no mistake about that, but I can’t help wondering if I’m being selfish and by having her stay here, I could be denying her a much better future.”
“Jacob, you don’t get to make that decision for her. Nobody gets to do that for you, so you don’t get to do it for anyone either. Let her choose her own happiness.”
Her words are enough to give me hope that I can fix things with Allison, but I don’t know how I am supposed to get started on it. “I’ve already made a mess of it. I’ve chased her away and I don’t know how to fix that.” I confess.
A broad smile grows to cover half of her face. “Well, it’s high time I teach you a few things about women and how best to apologize to us. First thing you should know is that we love flowers, and there’s no better way to start an apology than with a bunch of flowers. Besides, that woman is very much in love with you and the feeling is clearly mutual, so I have a feeling your apology will be accepted…eventually.”
Despite the end of her sentence, I can’t help the excitement that pumps through my veins at the thought that there might be a solution to this; a series of actions that will end with Allison in my arms.
After I’ve hugged them both, and Janice and Naomi leave, I wait around twenty minutes before I realize I’m being an idiot and wasting my time.
Jogging up Sherry’s driveway with Maddie securely in my arms, I ring the doorbell a couple of times to get her attention. Luckily, she is at the door in mere moments.
“Hello Jakey, Maddie.”
“Afternoon, Sherry.” A dry cough from her has me worried about her health. “How are you doing Sherry? Are you okay?”
“I’m good, don’t worry about me, Jakey.” she assures me. “What can I do for you, young man?”
In combination with the hoarseness of her voice, Sherry sounds like something right out of an old Wild West movie. I try to not indulge the mental image my mind conjures of an outlaw version of Sherry in cowboy boots, fiddling with a revolver while she suspiciously eyes a stranger new to town.
“I’m glad to hear you’re good.” I tell her, crushing the amusement before it comes up again. “Can you hold onto Maddie for a bit? I know this is sudden.” She doesn’t even think about it before answering.
“Sure thing. Just bring the little darling’s things over on your way out, okay?”
“Right. I’ll be back soon.”
“Jakey, is everything alright? I can see that you are in a bit of a hurry, and I just want to make sure everything is okay.”
“I have to get to Allison before she leaves for good. I don’t know how exactly I’ll be able to convince her to stay, but I am going to do my very best. That’s why I need you to watch over Maddie for me now.”
“Well, hand her right over,” she demands with both hands outstretched. I thank her before hurrying back inside to get everything she might need.
I’m not planning on being away for more than a couple of hours, but it doesn’t hurt to have more than you absolutely need. After all, it’s better to have too much than to need something and not have it. I quickly gather everything I need into a carry bag and hurry back.
“Here’s everything you need, Sherry. Thanks again, especially for doing this with no notice.”
“I already told you I don’t mind. Just take care of what you need to take care of, and I’ll see you when you get back,” she assures me. “And Jakey…go get your girl.” She cheers me on, and I pump a fist in the air in response while I make the dash across the lawn and driveway to my truck.
“Go get your girl, Jakey!” She yells after me as I drive by her.
You heard the woman, Jakey…go get your girl!